North Star Writers Group

It dawned on me the other day that we have clearly missed the boat on one huge danger lurking in plain sight, in every community in America. Sidewalks!

In today’s culture, society works overtime to protect us from any and all possible dangers, whether we want the protection or not. That includes:

Helmets for bicyclists, lest they fall over
Knee and elbow pads for people, lest they fall down
Laws against smoking, because some people want to smoke
Seat belt laws, because some people want to sit
Child-proof safety caps, lest an arthritic grandparent try to open a medicine container
Elimination of bad fat, lest fat people eat it
Laws against bad thoughts and doodles of guns, because they are bad
Elimination of holidays and traditions that might offend someone, lest the sensitive be upset

So how could they overlook the beige, concrete ribbon meandering throughout every neighborhood in America, causing untold numbers of people to trip and fall or to stumble and lose composure and dignity on its uneven seams and cracks? How can we ignore the menace that is our sidewalks?

Why, I myself narrowly missed being seriously injured or maybe even killed recently when the toe of my boot caught the high edge of a sidewalk joint. I’m sure that I’m not the only person walking around this community with his nose in the air. I was humiliated, embarrassed beyond compare as I picked myself up and looked sheepishly around to see if anyone was snickering.

I did nothing to provoke the attack. I was walking along, talking on my Bluetooth hands-free headset, sipping my cup of coffee and walking my two dogs, Smudge and Smear, minding, well, minding nothing to be truthful. Within the blink of an eye I’m lying sprawled out in the grass, cursing like Rosie O’Donnell after finding out she’d been booted from “The View”.

The sidewalk had jumped up an inch or so and knocked me on my pride. At first I thought, ‘that’s what I get for not paying attention’, but then this liberal/progressive gibberish began swirling inside my head. ‘Blame others, Roger, not yourself. Others are responsible for this. There’s nothing you could have done.’

Using deductive liberal/progressive reasoning honed to a fine point after many years of residing in Montgomery County, Maryland (Berkley East, I call it), I deduced that my spill was a direct result of some community ordinance violation and not my own inattentive behavior.

Everyone knows that sidewalks are a menace. What if a senior fell and broke what seniors always break when they fall? This is Montgomery County, Maryland, for God’s sake! There should be a law. (I find it somewhat amusing that God has 10 laws, yet man has thousands).

Where are Nancy Pelosi and Ted Kennedy when you need them? Why aren’t they introducing a new bill requesting funding to save our children (and coffee-drinking, talking-on-the-phone, day-dreaming dog walkers) from this beige menace?

I imagined the rotund, white-headed Teddy, bellowing in his accented Boston baritone:

“This uh, legislation will go a long way in protecting America’s most vulnerable among us, our uh, children. It will help to make them feel secure in knowing that they will uh, grow up without suffering the shame of having had to attend classes with skinned knees or uh, bruised shins, that so many of their countrymen in past uh, generations had to suffer and endure throughout most their lives.

“Not only are our children stumbling and falling onto broken sidewalks in America, ladies and gentleman, it’s only sheer luck that thousands of people a day aren’t crippled or killed by inattentive motorists driving onto the walkways of this great nation.

“We’ve witnessed the uncaring, self-absorbed, prosperous among us yakking away on their cell phones. Cell phones, may I remind you, that the poor uh, can’t afford. They’re lost and self-absorbed in their GPS device, devices that only the privileged can afford. They wouldn’t stop or even know that they had jumped the curb and sent another underprivileged child to an early grave with their carbon-monoxide-spewing SUV that the poor, uh, can’t afford.

“America can do better. We will do better. America deserves a better path for our children than a thin, cold strip of concrete, mere inches away from speeding gas-guzzlers, and if not a better path than surely more uh, protection.

“This legislation that Madame speaker and I are introducing today not only requires parents to swaddle their children in full Kevlar body armor and helmets when going outside to play, but it also requires America’s kids to uh, wear earplugs and blinders so that most of their senses are protected from those who would try and do them harm spiritually, intellectually and uh, physically.

Get on board America. Do it for the children. Thank you.”

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This is Column # RM014. Request permission to publish here.