North Star Writers Group

There are a lot of words being thrown around these days – words like politics, rhetoric, pandering, posturing, Sudoku, border security, immigration, illegal immigration, and cultural preservation – just to name a few. I want to talk about one of these words in particular, the one I think is the most consequential. I’m talking about Sudoku.

The game is popping up in newspapers everywhere, not to mention scads of websites that feature piles and piles of different puzzles. Imagine the nerd who goes to a new website seeking Sudoku satisfaction and realizes he has “already done that one.” I bet it’s happened.

I saw a coworker working on a Sudoku puzzle when she thought no one was looking. “What are you doing?” I demanded.

“It’s Sudoku,” she said, without any hint of shame.

“Suda-wha?”

“It’s a game. Rip out a page, if you want.”

Suddenly, my incriminating curiosity melted into, “I wonder if I’d be good at this.” Ron Burgundy would tell you that Sudoku is the name of an old, old, wooden ship, or perhaps the private parts of a giant mammal. Quite frankly, I have no idea what it means nor have any intention of finding out (so let’s just go with the wooden ship idea). All I know is I am currently a member of the Closet-Sudoku Enthusiasts and that, since my patronage of ABC’s “The Practice,” I have never felt like such a sucker.

Pretty much all you have to do is fill in a bunch of squares with the right numbers. I’m pretty good at it, I think. Actually, let me rephrase. I am better than my mom. (She’s a smart cookie, so don’t scoff.)

I’m not saying it’s a stupid game and that time would be just as well spent trying to melt public statues with urine or watching NBC’s “Deal or No Deal.”

But if we learn nothing else from Sudoku, we can at least marvel at the randomness of every new American fad. Here are some of the more recent ones: blogs, movies based on comic books, sequels to movies based on comic books, any type of sequel, messy hair on guys, guys with shaved chests, reality television, unwatchable reality television, redundancy, animé, Vin Diesel, Texas Hold’em, shows about homosexuals, movies about homosexuals, Contemporary Christian Music and SUVs. I am sure you can think of a lot more.

We are, as they say, a fickle people. Or you could just as easily say we are fickle people (sans article). I would say we are on a gradual, inescapable path toward mental deterioration, and I would also say that this path was probably stealthily laid before us by the Japanese.

We have known for a while now that the Japanese are smarter than we are. Consider Sony, Nintendo, Honda, Toyota, Yamaha, JVC, Canon and about a hundred other companies that are better than most of ours. But Sudoku? This may just be the left hook we never saw coming. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were an undetectable extrasensory message emanating from each completed Sudoku puzzle offering directions to the nearest Honda dealer. The Japanese are that smart.

We are not without our resources. Bill Gates is American. So is Howard Schultz. Let’s not leave out the Walton family (think Wal-Mart, not intolerable NBA commentators). Not only do we have these trail-blazing entrepreneurs, but our country is also proficient with cheeseburgers, doughnuts and other irresistible edibles. This is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not like we’re the only consumers. I am incredibly grateful to those Americans who paved the way to tapping into the world’s undiscriminating taste buds. But no American would come up with a fad as simple and brilliant as Sudoku, and that’s what worries me.

All it took to reduce the entire American population to a confused, enraptured, number-crunching standstill was a 9x9 box of squares. That’s power (or perhaps piteous).

I am not suggesting you cut these puzzles out of your hourly routine. I am only suggesting two things. First, reassess your daily routine and determine whether your life is based on one weightless fad after another. And second, the next time you feel compelled to buy a Honda, ask yourself the following question: did I finish a Sudoku puzzle today?

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