David J.

Pollay

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February 4, 2008

Rigid Criteria for a Beautiful Day?

“It’s a glorious day!” My mom’s father would say this at the start of every day. And when my father gets up in the morning and looks outside, he says, “It’s another beautiful day in South Florida.” My grandfather’s and my father’s criteria for happiness at the beginning of each day are simple: Just wake up and look outside – things are great. 

Now, consider you’re up for a raise and you believe you deserve it. You’re sitting with your boss as she is sharing her evaluation of your performance over the past year. After reviewing your many accomplishments, she stops, looks at you and says, “I am not giving you a raise. I am not happy with your performance.” 

And you say, “What? Why not? I accomplished a lot this year!” 

Your boss says, “I know.”

You say, “Then why aren’t you giving me a raise?”

She says, “I’m not sure. I’m just not happy with your performance.”
 

Now, how would that work for you? I know the answer: You would be furious! It’s obvious what your issue would be with your boss. Your boss is using some criteria that she cannot even explain. How can you ever succeed if you don’t know what her secret criteria are?

Let’s change up the example a little. Pretend this time that you have a boss who has precise expectations of you. He uses a 100-item evaluation for your performance. And as he shares his evaluation of your work with you, he acknowledges your outstanding attitude, behaviors and accomplishments. At the end of the review, your boss says, “Nope. You scored 96 out of 100. No promotion.” You say, “What? After all I’ve done, how can you hold back my promotion because I missed four things out of 100? That’s ridiculous!”

Let me jump from this example to your own happiness. Are you happy? Now, if your answer is “yes,” are you really happy, or sort of happy? And if I asked you these questions again in one year, what would your answers be? Happy? Unhappy?  Sort of happy? How will you know? Your answer depends on the criteria that you use to judge your happiness. The question is, “Do you know what your criteria are?”

And if you have criteria to determine your happiness, how rigid are they? Do you begin your day feeling good like my father or grandfather, or do you have a huge checklist that has to be completed before you declare that you are happy?

Take this question further into your life. Think of someone you love. Do they make you happy? And what do they have to do to make you happy? How clear in your mind are your criteria? Are they fair? Are they too strict? You may be unknowingly acting as your hypothetical boss and giving bad evaluations based upon unclear criteria or criteria that are too narrow. 

See, if you hold up your loved ones to an Olympic level standard, you may never be happy. I’m not suggesting you should discount what you value most in your relationship. I am saying that there may be a handful of truly unimportant things that you are letting limit your happiness and your satisfaction within an important relationship.

Valuing happiness is a good thing. Most of us do. Understanding and establishing purposeful and reasonable criteria by which you judge your happiness are equally important.

One final note: How rigidly do you want other people to judge you? Do you want them to score you on a 100-point checklist and expect a near perfect score? I know the answer. No. You want your loved ones to cut you some slack and support you. So, do the same for others in your life. You’ll be happier and so will they.

Have a glorious and beautiful day!

© 2008 David J. Pollay. Distributed by North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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