David J.

Pollay

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January 28, 2008

Your Children Are Sponges: What Beliefs Are They Absorbing?

Here are the highlights from last night’s dinner with my family. When I arrived home from the office, Dawn and the girls were in the kitchen. The first thing I did was hug and kiss Dawn. Then I found Eliana and Ariela – they had gone into hiding when they heard the front door – and I hugged and kissed them too (after a little joyful tickling). I then grabbed my daughters and bounced them in my arms as I sang our special song. (It’s a simple song: I’m so happy to see you! I’m so happy to see you! I’mmmm soooo happy!). Next, we sat down together for dinner. We held hands and said our prayers, and we ended our blessings with a loud, and in unison, “Aaaamen!” We ate the food on our plates – vegetables included – and then we enjoyed a little dessert. And along the way, we talked about the fun and important things that happened that day for each of us. (Real or imaginary, four and five year-olds are fun to talk to!). 

Why do we do these things? Why do we perform these rituals every night? Daniel Gilbert, Harvard psychologist and author of “Stumbling on Happiness”, wrote, “Just as we pass along our genes in an effort to create people whose faces look like ours, so too do we pass along our beliefs in an effort to create people whose minds think like ours.” We want our children to share our values and beliefs and to demonstrate them in their behaviors.

“Almost anytime we tell anyone anything,” Gilbert says, “we are attempting to change the way their brains operate – attempting to change the way they see the world so that their view of it closely resembles our own.” I would add that any time we do anything in front of someone, we are transmitting a belief. 

I kiss and hug Dawn in front of the girls because I want them to believe their mother is loved, respected and appreciated. I hug, kiss and sing to my girls because I want them to believe that they are loved and that they bring joy to my life. I make sure we hold hands and have fun saying “Amen” when we pray, so that the girls enjoy saying thanks for everything that is good in their lives. 

But what did checking my e-mail 20 minutes after dinner say? What belief was I communicating? My diving right into e-mail said that my work was more important than family time. It also said that when my girls get older, it will be OK for them to run off after dinner and plunge into e-mail, Facebook or MySpace. And when I thought about this before I went to bed, I said to myself, “I don’t want my girls to hold these beliefs. E-mail can wait. Family time is more important. From now on, no more e-mail during family time.” I want my girls to see that I value my time with them and Dawn. And I want them to believe that family time is meaningful, interesting and fun.

How about you? What beliefs do you want your children to have? What beliefs do you believe will help make them happier, kinder and more successful? What are you saying and doing to transmit these good and powerful beliefs? Whatever good things that you are doing, keep doing them. Your children need to hear and see them. And what are you doing that undercuts the beliefs that you want your children to have? Make sure that you start removing your contradictory language and behavior from your daily routine. 

Our children are sponges. Let’s give them something positive to absorb.

© 2008 David J. Pollay. Distributed by North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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