This
is the time of year when columnists write pieces like “a
retrospective on the year gone by” or “predictions for
the new year” – because it is easier than actually
thinking of something original to write.
At
least that’s why I’m doing it.
So
let’s take a look forward and see what the business
world has in store for 2006:
January:
Alan Greenspan’s successor, Ben Bernanke, is confirmed
by the Senate and promptly announces that he plans to
raise interest rates another quarter point as an
anti-inflationary move. Financial wire services report
“Chairmangreenspan Bernanke raises rates again.”
February:
Congressman Tom Tancredo, R-Colo., celebrates the
passage of the National Gated Community Act, which will
cause a 30-foot-high, barbed wire fence to be erected
around the perimeter of the entire country, even as the
government activates its long-secret immigrant zapper
buttons and immediately beams all illegal aliens back to
their countries of origin. The price of strawberries
immediately jumps to $475 a pound, and hotel guests are
seen walking through lobbies drying themselves on the
curtains.
March:
In a
re-branding move, McDonald’s Restaurants changes its
name to McDonald’s Extra-Residential Meal Solutions
Incorporated. By the end of the year, Burger King,
Wendy’s and Carl’s Jr. have all followed suit. KFS –
Kentucky Fried Solutions – remains the rebel.
April:
Every member of the Fortune 500 admits outsourcing its
customer service call centers to India after too many
customers get suspicious about men with very heavy
accents answering their calls by saying, “Hello, my name
is Bob.” CNN’s Lou Dobbs adds them to his black list and
urges viewers to boycott all 500 companies. When no
boycott ensues, a check of the Neilsen ratings
determines that no one was watching.
May:
Kirk Kerkorian announces a hostile takeover attempt at
General Motors, but loses interest when no one objects.
June:
The federal government sues Microsoft for its latest
“bundling” violation, as federal investigators show up
at company headquarters to find bundles of people
wearing light blue open collar shirts and just find it
creepy.
July:
A federal judge dismisses the latest slander suit by
Proctor & Gamble against Amway, which P&G accuses of
accusing P&G of being Satanists. Crucial testimony in
the case comes when top Amway executives assure the
judge, “We don’t think they’re Satanists in any way,
shape or form.” Following the decision, a P&G executive
comments, “Now we can move past this unfortunate episode
and get back to the business of selling soap and
harvesting souls.”
August:
Neil Cavuto of Fox News airs his
latest interview with the Victoria's Secret models,
insisting that this time it really is a business segment
because he used the expression, “Now that’s what I call
shareholder value!”
September:
As school resumes, Verizon launches its new cell phone
aimed at teens. It offers unlimited minutes as long as
the only things said are “yuh”, “bahaha” and “I
just woke up.” Within a week, usage shatters all
records.
October:
A tool and die shop in Topeka,
Kansas loses all GM contracts after admitting it had
made a profit of four dollars and 11 cents in the
previous quarter. A groveling company president promises
the company will renounce all future pursuit of profits
and will take steps to become as inefficient as
possible. The contracts are restored.
November:
After
Republican gains in the House and Senate in the mid-term
elections, the market goes nuts and tops 14,000.
High-fives and massive celebrations ensue on the floor
of the exchange. Someone asks, “14,000 what?” No one
knows. The celebration ends abruptly.
December:
Target and Wal-Mart prohibit all
employees from saying “Merry Christmas”, “Happy
Holidays” or “Seasons Greetings” – only allowing them to
use the phrase, “Shop like a fiend!” Sales double. An
extension of the policy through 2012 is announced.
God
announces 2007 is cancelled.
Lazy
columnists go the retrospective route.
