May 28, 2007

Wal-Mart, Whole Foods Face a Grave Situation

I knew this would happen. It had to. It was just a matter of time. And when you think about it, it’s no surprise that it happened first in Hawaii.

Wal-Mart and Whole Foods are busy in the 50^th state trying to do what they do, which is to build gigantic retail stores. I’ve heard that at least one of them eats children and kicks puppies, but I don’t think my source is reliable, so all I know for sure is the gigantic stores part.

But there’s a problem. Both gigantic retailers are trying to build on a site where it seems excavators have uncovered some graves. Some very old graves. How old? I hear one guy’s Social Security number was three.

Pretty old.

But it doesn’t matter, does it? When they stick you in there and tell you to rest in peace, they mean to do so in perpetuity. Here’s your bones. Here’s your grave. Get in. Get a good night’s sleep. No one will bother you, we promise, unless we need to do any further DNA tests or anything like that – but this is extremely unlikely, so don’t even worry about it probably at all.

Everyone who dies gets a grave. It’s yours forever. No one can dig you up, move you, evict you or build a Wal-Mart over you.

Now. How many people have ever lived in Hawaii? I mean in forever. Do you have any idea? I don’t know when people first showed up there, but it has to have been awhile, because they have roads and everything. Presumably millions upon millions of people have lived in Hawaii since time immemorial. Death rate? One hundred percent.

You see where I’m going with this, right? Where do they put them all? At some point, you have to run out of room to bury people. Hawaii is not that big. There’s only so much room. Granted, a dead person doesn’t take up that much space, but when millions of people keep dying in an unending cycle forever and ever, you have to run out of room eventually.

And then Wal-Mart can’t build any more stores.

Now I realize there are some committed anti-Wal-Mart activists for whom this is the furthest thing from a tragedy, although I would presume they would not begin perpetrating mass murders just to start taking up potential development real estate. Still, the discovery of these ancient graves, and the problem it presents for Wal-Mart and Whole Foods, merely portends the day when the last square foot of space is literally taken up by graves. And there is none left.

Don’t laugh. Five hundred years ago Grandpa Kalhuii died, you buried him, and the problem was way too far off for you to be concerned about it. Today? Don Ho. But you’re still in denial. But deep down, you know it’s coming.

Al Gore thinks global warming is irreversible. How the heck does he know what the weather will be like in 30 years? The geek on Channel 13 can’t even predict tomorrow’s, and unlike Al, he’s a weatherman. But I can guarantee you that the GTE (Grave-to-Earth) ratio is irreversibly rising. Why the UN is not all over this beats me. But something has to be done.

So as with most problems, I have the solution.

Bunk graves.

This is perfect. A grave is six feet deep. A dead body lies flat, so it won’t take up much vertical space – not even Rosie O’Donnell’s. Even when the casket is in the ground, you’ve still got room. Just add a little platform over the bottom bunk/grave, and you my friend are sleepin’ on the top bunk for all eternity!

Sometimes the combinations will be obvious. You might sleep in bunk graves with your brother, and you could fight over who gets top, but frankly you two have seen better days. For couples, you could just fling the new dearly departed in with the old one. That’s the way they always used to sleep, after all. Then you could put another couple in the top bunk later on.

It’s a swinging good time in the graveyard tonight.

For people who didn’t have many friends or family, you could always do random matchups, and you could also do funny ones. Some day Don Imus and Al Sharpton could be a riot. Or Ann Coulter and Al Sharpton. Or anyone and Al Sharpton.

At any rate, these suggestions will forestall the day when we’re surrounded by graves as far as the eye can see because people just refuse to live forever, and the Earth is only so big. And since I don’t see you working to solve this problem, I owe it to humanity and to Wal-Mart to think of something.

I get top bunk! I sure don’t intend to spend eternity looking up at your bony butt.