North Star Writers Group

But what kind of love do we really need? Is it the take-a-number partnering splashed all over the tabloids? Is it the explicit lust portrayed on late-night cable? Is it the romantic daydream depicted in best-selling bodice-rippers?

“No, not just for some, but for everyone.”

For everyone? Hold the phone here. What kind of love embraces those who use airplanes to kill thousands of people who have done them no wrong?

What kind of loves includes those who send a deadly substance like anthrax through the mail?

What kind of love accepts those who put profits before the environment? Who hunt animals purely for sport and a wall trophy?

What kind of love embraces those who, fearing for their own safety, invade a country that had nothing to do with harming their countrymen? Or who hold captives for years without charges, violating international and even their own country’s legal standards?

What kind of love acknowledges gays and lesbians, or those who have had abortions or have performed them?

The unconditional kind of love, that’s what.

Unconditional love (what some call agape) is a great enduring mystery for most of us because the love we have experienced is so conditional. This only too familiar love has strings attached along with expectations.

Conditional love (with all those strings) is limited love. This love sets boundaries (conditions/limitations) on those who are worthy to receive it. Conditions like being a certain race, religion, gender or sexual orientation, or being affiliated with a certain political party. Conditional love demands that we believe certain things, do certain acts, speak in certain ways – or we do not deserve to be loved.

Conditional love is not only limited, it is painful and divisive. Conditional love divides us from ourselves, from our families, from our neighbors, from the world. Conditional love sets some apart as “chosen” or “saved” or otherwise “special,” and demonizes anyone who doesn’t belong to the elect group.

Conditional love inspires jihadists and crusaders alike to a murderous and oppressive mockery of spirituality that gives God a bad name in many people’s eyes.

Unconditional love, however, is the genuine, ultimately profound spiritual quest. Those who doubt this might consult the Bible (Matthew 22, 34-40). When asked which is the greatest commandment, Jesus first admonished his listeners to love God. He then added a second and equally important directive: “…love thy neighbor as thyself.”

Note the construction of the latter part of that sentence. “As thyself.” Jesus was trying to highlight an equivalence that is as fundamental as that of matter and energy. We have the ability to love each other only to the extent that we first love ourselves.

This makes a great deal of sense. We cannot give to another that which we have not already claimed for ourselves precisely because we do not own it. If we do not own unconditional self-love, we cannot give unconditional love to our Creator or anyone else.

Conditional love is painful to receive. It’s equally as painful to give, too, since it flows straight from our own limited self-love.

We are certainly free to continue loving self and others under the same old painful conditions and expectations. We have free will that is unconditionally free, ironically granting us the right to be as limited as our fears tell us we should be.

Conditional love doesn’t seem to be working too well for most of us, however. In fact, it seems almost un-American, if we truly are the land of the brave and the home of the free.

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