North Star Writers Group

I just received great news! Thanks to the ingenuity – and certainly the desperation – of some agent in Hollywood, ordinary people like you and me can now have celebrities make personal phone calls to us!

The guy who played Timmy in the Lassie movies will call you and wish you happy birthday. You can hire the Professor from “Gilligan’s Island” to call your wife and tell her she’s special. You can even have Mr. Belding, the pushover principal on “Saved by the Bell”, call your child and tell him that he’s in big trouble.

Personally, none of these celebrities interests me. In fact, if they called me and used their real names, I’m sure my response would be, “who?” So, I decided to give some advice to the folks at hollywoodiscalling.com about the real celebrities they could hire, and the popular messages they could sell.

Using a typical day in my life as an example, here are the phone calls I want and need to receive:

Every morning, I want Roseanne Barr to call me and say, “Hey, remember to eat right today, or you might end up looking like me.” Can you think of any better motivation than that to keep your daily diet on the straight and narrow?

At about 11 o’clock in the morning, just when I’m realizing that I’ll never get all of my work done before it’s time to pick up my son from daycare, I’d like Keifer Sutherland to ring me at work. He’ll say, “Cindy, gimme a break! Look at how much I can accomplish in 24 hours. I break down and rebuild relationships with my offspring; motivate people at the office; take a couple of bullets; and save the world. What the heck is wrong with you?”

After my 2 p.m. snack, which is usually chocolate of some sort, I’d like to negate my call from Roseanne with a more positive, reassuring one from Jennifer Lopez. “Big butts are in, girlfriend!” Nobody’s got a better body than Jen – heck, I feel better already. After all, I’m just trying to be like her (minus the second and third husbands, that is).

Before dinner, while I’m playing with my son, I’d like to hear from any mom in Hollywood who doesn’t have a nanny. I’m not sure who that would be, or if any of them exist. But the folks at hollywoodiscalling.com should start building their database of these moms, because I’ve got a whole group of prospective clients for them. Most of my mom friends would love that call saying, “Hang in there, honey; I also have strained peaches all over my white blouse.”

I guess the problem is that said celebrity can easily afford to buy a new blouse. I, on the other hand, will need a followup phone call from the housekeeper on “Two and Half Men” – whose name I don’t know, but whom I find hilarious. She’ll need to time her call right when my blouse is soaking in Dreft to remind me to keep smiling – after all, laundry is the most fun of all the chores!

At bedtime, I’ll need Rebecca Romijn – my husband’s celebrity crush – to buzz me just to say that she is hot for my husband, that she’s going to be town next weekend and I better make sure he’s happy, or she’ll be swooping in on him. I’m pretty sure that on most nights, that will inspire me not to simply offer a lame liplock before rolling over to sleep – if you know what I mean. But which would work better? That, or having my celebrity crush – Timothy Hutton – call and say “pretend it’s me?”

So, desperate people at hollywoodiscalling.com, here I am: a potential loyal customer who, at the $300 per phone call price that you charge, can make you a small fortune in a very short time. I’ll anticipate my phone ringing tomorrow at 6 a.m., but just in case, I won’t hold my breath. And, as you wait to bank your first million with celebrities like Mr. Belding on the queue, neither should you.

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This is Column # CD19. Request permission to publish here.