North Star Writers Group

After staying home with my newborn son for the past 12 weeks, I believe it’s time for a change. Time for America to take a closer look at some of its taboo behaviors and make them socially acceptable again. Here is my list so far:

1. The Bib – Not Just for Lobster Anymore

Who’s with me? Who else out there has started to get dressed for work in the morning, only to say to themselves, “I can’t wear this shirt. I have a lunch meeting today.” Who else keeps their old black blazer hanging in the office “just in case” of total food-stain embarrassment?

Let’s stop the madness. Let’s embrace our God- (or Darwin-, depending on your leanings) given animalistic eating habits and let the ketchup fly. If we were able to wear bibs at every meal, do you realize how much money we would save on dry cleaning bills, stain lifters and new clothes? Not to mention the Earth-saving benefits of fewer weekly washloads.

2. The Famously Underrated “What the @&*?” Look

My son responds to my baby babble with what I consider the classic, “What’choo talkin’ ‘bout Willis?” look made famous by Gary Coleman in his Diff’rent Strokes days. I find it hilariously refreshing. Now, consider how much more would get done in business today if you could simply give the person in charge that look with absolutely no negative consequence?

Just picture yourself in a meeting with your boss. She gives you an assignment that absolutely could not be done in the format or timeframe given, with the results desired, even if you were Superman. Rather than taking the time to think through your response – of course, attempting to phrase your questions to her in a politically correct way – or, leaving the meeting knowing that you’ve been set up to fail, you could just give her “the look.”

It would be required by all employers that when management is given “the look,” they must reconsider their comments or requests and come back to you with a more reasonable, doable and important assignment. Productivity would truly be on the rise, and senseless busy work would be history.

3. The Daily Vocabulary Lesson

Yes, he is only three months old, and yes, I am trying to teach him real words, one at a time, each day. Now while all of the early childhood development experts are debating the merits of this, the rest of us normal folks can consider the ramifications of such a lesson for adults.

If this were a daily-recurring, socially acceptable thing for adults to do, we would no longer hear the word “supposively.” The phrase “for all intensive purposes” would instead be said, spelled and used correctly. Heck, after a few years, we might even teach people to stop saying that things are “very unique.”

A smarter America is all I’m after here.

4. Celebrating the Toot

We share a cottage with another couple, who also have small children in the family. It’s become our inside joke that whenever someone releases a gastrointestinal bubble, we say, “Hey, is there a duck in here?” to which everyone responds with a few seconds of laughter before proceeding with their activities.

Again, let’s look at this from the time-saving perspective in the business world. Rather than shrinking in your seat with embarrassment if you are the guilty party, you could relax. If it wasn’t you, you could laugh aloud and share a fine stress-relieving moment with your coworkers before getting back to the task at hand.

On a particularly gassy day, the office secretary could order cake and the department manager could give a motivational pep talk around the conference room table. In general, I think we’d all feel a whole lot better about ourselves and those around us.

5. The Afternoon Nap

Um, need I say more?

Please send additional ideas for what else should be made socially acceptable to me at cynthiadroog@yahoo.com. I’m going to have my people send the list to Martha Stewart’s people, so she can give them the “What the @&*? Look” when they suggest it for a show segment.

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This is Column # CD14. Request permission to publish here.