North Star Writers Group

At the beginning of each month, we receive a department calendar, as I’m sure many corporations and departments do around the world. It’s a handy little reminder that next Monday is Sarah’s birthday. And that we’re getting an extra Jeans Day before the holiday.

It also tells us about “International Organ Donors Day” and “Step-Parent Day” and all the other special days that make us stop and think, “What could I do to celebrate that would help me justify leaving the office or playing on the internet for 20 minutes? I need to run to the card store! I need to check my organ donor status on some government web site that’s un-navigable.”

Instead, I thought it would be more helpful to invent our own holidays, just for corporate employees. They could be fun. They could count toward everyone’s training requirements, too.

For instance, let’s celebrate “International Career-Ending Email Day” (ICE Day). On this occasion, our management would share with us various e-mails that resulted in employee terminations, or at best, their complete loss of respect.

I received one of these once. It was from a young woman who’d neglected to review her e-mail signature before sending a mass email. And that signature was – how should I say – somewhat provocative in nature.

It changed my whole opinion of her. I didn’t want to hire her. And I’m not sure anyone did, considering I saw her selling shoes in the mall last weekend.

That aside, ICE Day could benefit all of us. But perhaps not as much as “Corporate Casual Fashion Day.” Now that most offices have adopted this dress policy, it would be nice to help along some of our colleagues who haven’t quite figured out that flip-flops are for the cottage, not the cubicle. Or that rock band t-shirts are great for concerts, but not so much for conference rooms.

I’m as big a fan of the Rolling Stones lips-and-tongue logo as the next gal. But I’d plot this holiday such that the “don’ts” portion of the fashion show started with someone wearing it on their shirt. Corporate Fashion Day is not about being subtle. It’s about sending a message that together, we can cure the wearing of Birkenstocks and college sweatshirts Mondays through Fridays.

It would also be important, just once a year, to celebrate a day of “Open Discussion About

Your Flaws,” in which we would have a little fun while openly addressing individual barriers to overall departmental success.

It would start by each employee putting what they fear is their greatest workplace weakness on an index card, to be placed in a hat. Mine, for example, would say, “I am an impatient witch in meetings.” (We’re not allowed to swear here.) Then, we’d each add one other person’s top weakness to the mix.

Each person in the department would have a “mix-n-match” game that involved matching an employee’s name with two of the index cards that were read aloud. In the end, instead of passing out a department calendar that month, we’d all get a compilation of where we need to improve.

This is better than any performance review. It would help us change how we interact with the people about whom we care most – not management, but our co-workers. I, for one, would be prepared for the surprises that could come my way. “Moody. Talks too loud. Can’t tell the difference between her desk and the recycling bins at the city dump.”

Oh wait. I guess those wouldn’t be surprises at all.

What would be surprising would be the “mystery corporate holiday” that would occur every few months. Employees could submit their own holiday ideas, and management could choose one to observe.

Just like any shoebox with a hole cut in it, called “Your Feedback,” or the so-called “blind” e-mail box called, “Just Tell the CEO,” you’d get some fairly dumb ideas in here. But you could get a few gems, too. When our company’s holiday suggestion box opens, I’m going to present “Annual Survivor Day,” a day in which we all get to vote someone off of our island.

Instead of the carved-out coconut they use as their shoebox on the real “Survivor”, we’ll have an empty file drawer. Just like on “Survivor”, we’ll be videotaped sharing our selection, and management will only show human resources the tapes with the most drama, as they’ll actually need some substantiation to avoid being sued.

In the end, they’ll probably let us wear jeans that day. And that, of course, will remain the most important calendar item of all.

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