North Star Writers Group

I have yet to watch an episode of the show where aspiring inventors showcase their wares and compete for the resources to turn their ideas into reality. But I swear I’m going to start watching it this week. I’m going to write down all of the inventors’ names, look them up later, and pitch my inventions to them.

You see, I have the ideas, but I’m a writer, not an engineer. The only prototype I’ve ever been capable of making was a diorama in the 10th grade depicting a scene from “A Streetcar Named Desire”. Even that project only got me a B-.

Now, there have been a lot of great inventions in my lifetime and I’m quite sure I couldn’t top them. For example, there’s the auto-focus on my digital camera. Without it, my baby son’s photos would have that now-defunct red-eye problem. I can just hear my aunts who live in states far away and haven’t seen him in person now. “Is she sure that her husband is the father? I mean, those glowing, creepy, blood-colored eyes? Must be some sort of demon!”

Instead, his true blue, angelic and beautiful eyes are there in every single picture. They’re the same eyes my husband has. And thanks to that inventor, I am forever saved from being scared to open my own scrapbooks.

My ideas may not be as impactful, but I think they’re worth considering. All they require is a little synergy between companies.

First, I’ve got one for the fabric makers, soap companies and laundry machine manufacturers. All I ask is that you invent a way for me to do all colors of laundry in the same load. Put your heads together. Think of all the working moms out there who’d rather spend time having fun with their kids than sorting laundry, and waiting until the white load is as big as the dark one to accomplish her chore. Trust me. Do this and you stand to make a fortune.

Second, I envision that the people who own the technology that allows vacuum cleaners and lawn mowers to self-propel get together with the cosmetics companies. One day, I want to be able to sit in my bathroom, hands-free and George Jetson-style, with my head sitting on a chinrest while my make-up is automatically done for me. My employer will forever thank you. Not only will I look better each day, but I’ll be able to get a start on my to-do list. I’ll be thinking about work rather than worrying about the mascara stick that’s headed straight for my eyeball, courtesy of my own clumsiness.

While I’m at it, I could really use what I’ll call the “Polite Response Wheel.” Have you ever had a complete stranger tell you something you never wanted to know? I must look very trustworthy, because this happens to me all of the time. Just yesterday in the grocery store, I stole a sideglance at the woman in line behind me because of the inordinate amount of facial tissue she was buying. I had to look twice. She didn’t appear to stuff her bra – so why all the soft stuff?

Of course, I didn’t look away quickly enough, and she took the opportunity to explain the intricacies of her husband’s nasal health. Or lack thereof.

At that point, I could have used the PRW. Why not? I have one for wine. It’s one of the handiest inventions I use. You spin the little wheel to whatever dish you’re making for dinner, and it tells you exactly which complementary wine to purchase. I figure that if I can do that when it comes to Pinot Gris versus Pinot Noir, I can also learn the proper response to unsolicited “I’ve got a serious case of gingivitis,” or “all nine of my cats ran away from home.”

All the PRW needs to happen is for Emily Post’s people to get with the Wine Wheel people. Mission accomplished. Many awkward moments avoided.

My final invention is the men’s underwear drawer sensor? If the people who invented those little lights on your car dashboard that tell you your gas or oil is low could get with the furniture makers, they’d be able to generate big business. Their engineers could invent some sort of alarm or flashing light to tell men when they’ve got only three pairs of boxers left in the drawer. Wives and bachelors alike will buy them. That way, the words, “Oh crap! Laundry must be done tonight and there is absolutely no chance it can wait” shall never leave another man’s lips.

Place a big ad on iVillage.com, and bam! These new dressers will be sold out across the country. Backorders will fill plant manufacturing schedules and warehouses for years to come. This invention could potentially fix the unemployment problem in two states!

These inventions might not be ready for prime time television. But in some board room, somewhere, we can only hope that they’ve read this, and that they’re listening.

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This is Column # CD048. Request permission to publish here.