North Star Writers Group

It’s that time of year. The card aisles are filled with Congratulation envelopes into which crisp bills slide perfectly. For those getting out of high school, cheesy college dorm décor is flying off the shelves. Soon, lava lamps will be out of stock at Target stores across the land.

For the college grad, however, the perfect gift – aside from money – has yet to be invented. The leather portfolio case? I got one of those in 1994. Boring! A car? Well, you could go that route if you’ve got an extra 30 grand lying around.

It’s about time that something really helpful come along. I couldn’t find it, so I decided to invent it.

My invention is inspired by my 10-month-old son’s See n’ Say. You remember those! You pull the string (no longer a string, of course, due to potential choking hazards), the arrow spins and lands on a cute animal, and the creepy voice says, “The cow says moooo,” or, “This is the frog: Ribbbit!”

My son loves this thing. Dare I say he is obsessed with it? We live in the city, and he’s only seen a few of those animals in real life. The dog. The cat. The bird. So his imagination must be filled with images of neighing horses, cockadoodling roosters and more. And he must believe that on the day when he finally meets these new animals, he’ll be able to communicate with them – in their language!

So, for those grads who never landed internships, whether they couldn’t resist working at the movie theatre just one last summer, or they were in denial about the “myth” of resume building, the corporate See n’ Say would be the best gift – especially for the business grad.

First, there’s the corporate “yes” gal. Pull the string, and when the arrow lands on her, the creepy voice says, “I agree with the boss. I try to think for myself, but sadly, that’s impossible.”

Then, there’s the guy who was given his job because he’s a relative. Yet, somehow, he doesn’t see his job as a gift, nor does he regard it with the love and respect with which a treasured gift deserves. Rather, he sees it as a birthright, and sees you as his underling (whether you really are or not).

When the arrow points to him, you’ll hear “I’m on my way out – see you tomorrow!” At 3:00. In meetings, he doesn’t volunteer to take any assignments, so he doesn’t say much there. At company events, he doesn’t talk. Well, at least not to you.

Then, there’s the guy that the company is simply trying to leave behind, yet he’s still there. He’s hanging on by the very tips of his fingers to the back bumper of the bus. You thought he’d end up a bug on the car behind’s windshield a year ago. For sure, six months ago.

Yet there he is. In your meetings. In your cubicle. Sending you e-mails. Pull the string and you’ll hear him. “I can’t believe my ID badge unlocked the door this morning. I better create more pointless work for myself – and others. Must look busy. Must fake effectiveness. Must enlist the help of others, so they also sense my busyness and productivity.”

Then, there is my personal favorite. The woman whose jobs are always hot. In fact, her e-mail subject lines actually start with the word, “HOT,” in all capital letters just like that. In her See n’ Say picture, she is actually on fire. She also harbors illusions that she is your company’s personal paramedic, and that every project that’s hers is a life-or-death situation that must be handled immediately.

Pull the string. “I have 10 hot projects for you today. I forgot how to prioritize years ago. Why are you looking at me like I’m crazy? Can’t you see this is important? Hey – don’t delete my e-mail!”

The See n’ Say would, of course, have to include the complainer, the eternal optimist cheerleader, data dude and the division manager. “If you don’t understand the new strategy, it couldn’t possibly be because it’s too complicated to make any sense. Or because I stink at communicating it. It must be you – not me!”

Just like my son can now talk to the sheep, our college grads will be able to talk to their coworkers. So, to all the college graduates out there, happy graduation! You’ve worked hard to get where you are today, and I’m proud of you.

Now stop deleting my important e-mails!

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