North Star Writers Group

First, there are all the steps involved in getting a new position approved. That involves budgeting, a few to 10 vice presidents, and of course, some meetings. Then you have to look at resumes, do preliminary interviews, secondary interviews, panel interviews, personality tests, drug tests and then – lo and behold – the person starts the job. A year later, after the company feels he/she is trained, he/she can start working at full capacity.

Thousands of dollars and hours later, you might have a productive worker. Or, you might have someone who’s bored and/or bitter, starts looking at inappropriate web sites and has to be escorted out by security.

It would be much easier to ask people to participate in an auction. Human resource folks show up, bid on who they want, write them the check and take them home. It’s all done in one night.

If I were the host of such an auction, here are the amazing folks you could bid on. I don’t know their names, but I do know I’m impressed.

First, we have Cirque Gal. She is the one who recently put this display of horridly dressed mass chaos on the map. Seriously – do people really enjoy this, or are they just pretending to because it’s trendy? Who cares? Cirque Gal is a genius. All she needs to turn a profit are a bunch of rejected Olympians in striped tights and face paint.

The next worker up for bid is the Cleveland Indians Branding Dude. How is it that this sports entity is the only one in all of America who hasn’t given in on changing its name? Now, here’s somebody whose philosophy is “We ain’t fixing what ain’t broke. Period.” In today’s age where the latest idea is always the greatest, I think this guy rocks!

Now, please welcome to the stage our first team up for bid: Tiny Sweater Girl and Parachute Pants Boy. She accidentally put a new sweater in the dryer for too long. Instead of considering this sweater a lost cause, she sent it to a skinny celeb, and now we have a trend that looks horrible on almost everyone. But she sure can turn a bad situation into a profitable one!

Parachute Pants boy is an expert at finding new markets. When MC Hammer – and thus his pants – lost favor, he began hitting fitness clubs across the country to sell his wares. And his creativity is outstanding. Zebra stripes on pants? Oh yeah, baby!

We’ll close tonight’s auction with the guy behind MTV’s show Parental Control. Every dad dreams of telling his teenage daughter that she can do a lot better than the loser she’s currently dating. (Although in most cases, she really can’t!) I’m quite sure my own dad wanted to do this on several occasions. This show lets them to do it. PC Man is a genius. Simply let people live out a simple fantasy, which costs you absolutely nothing, and the profits shall roll in.

PC Man also understands that it helps to throw in a few swear words, a lot of people with earrings in places where jewelry doesn’t belong, and occasionally, some melted chocolate and a swimming pool.

Thank you for attending tonight’s auction. See you next year!

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