North Star Writers Group

Richard Branson should hire me to revamp his airline – again. After all, he’s not afraid to take risks. Maybe I’ll get lucky. He’ll read this column – full of ideas to help the average flyer – get a recruiter on the phone and next thing I know, I’ll have six-figure salary offer.

As I try to impress him, I’ll also try to amuse you.

This past weekend, I flew 3,000 miles. The longest leg of this trip was a four-hour jaunt, or, to be more descriptive, a four-hour torture session similar to having Jack Bauer kill you by chewing into your jugular artery.

On my right side was a snorer. Not just any snore, but that loud, gargling, coughing kind that jars you into attention. I stared at him nearly the entire flight because I was afraid he was dying. I kept going over CPR in my head – tilt, breathe, pause, pump, pump. Repeat. Just in case.

On my left side was the classic hung-over groomsman. Still wearing his tuxedo from last night. No shower – and apparently – no breath mints.

It all got me thinking. What if airplanes were divided into more sections than simply first class and “the rest of you schmucks.” Wouldn’t the ride be much more enjoyable if there were sections for:

1. The super important (yet, somehow not enough so to be in first class) executives. You know them. The ones who are talking on their cell phones until the very last possible second. I was near one of those, too. I quote him exactly: “Sheila, I don’t care what you have to do to win the business, but I don’t want to win it by $6 or even $6,000. Do what you have to do.” Not only is this guy annoying, but he’s obviously of no help to his corporate underlings. “Do what you have to do” is a copout. Just tell the truth! “Sheila, I obviously have no idea what I would do if I were in your shoes. So I’ll give you this lame line. Do what you have to do.”

Put these folks into their own section. They can sit around, compare gadgets, and share their evil plans to think outside of boxes, create synergies and become solutions providers.

2. The snorers. There are some nights when I sleep in the spare bedroom because my husband snores loudly and incessantly. I don’t pay $600 to fly across America to deal with this again the next morning. Other nights, I hold my husband’s nose shut until he wakes up. I would have tried that on my flight, but I’m not one for touching strangers’ noses.

So, set aside some seats for the sleepy. Curtain off this section with some sort of soundproof material. Then, do what I do for my six-month-old – turn on a humidifier, load it up with Vicks and help them not die from lack of oxygen.

3. The friend makers. It’s not that these chatty persons are bad people. Many of them are quite nice. On the shorter leg of my trip, I sat next to a birdwatcher. He was cool in his own nerdy way. (I say that out of love, for I too, am a nerd – just not of the birdwatching variety.) It’s just that I like to fly in silence. For me – and I assume many others – it’s the only time I get to myself. This time is reflective in nature, and I cherish it.

So, take the friend makers, and create a section for them. It would have circular tables, so they can face each other. Set out “The Book of Questions” or “Question and Answer” cards to serve as icebreakers. A flight attendant could serve as moderator – as long as he or she is perky enough to say something like, “OK, flyers. We’re going to go around the circle. Say your name and what vegetable you are that has the same first letter. Like this: I’m Wendi and I’m a watercress.”

You get the idea! Let’s corner off these Type As, and let the rest of us – well, rest.

This is only the beginning of this list of amazing ideas to transform air travel and make it more pleasant for all of us. If the industry is going to make me pay $5 for a bag of candy instead of actually offering me a meal, this is the least they can do.

Richard, I look forward to hearing from you.

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This is Column # CD27. Request permission to publish here.