North Star Writers Group

Ah, the first date. Romance. Maybe some dinner by candlelight. Definitely an evening to order dessert. After all, it's about allowing yourself just enough indulgence to show the other person that you're fun, and maybe even a little spontaneous.

Or, you could do one of the following things, all that have happened to me on first dates. Now, today I'm happily married - to a man who followed the rules listed in the first paragraph, that is - and can look back and laugh at the other guys. Still, what made them think these were good ideas? By the way, names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Brad decided it was a good idea to go to his parents' house (Hey! At least he didn't live there, right?), so that they could show me a well-known, and much feared, multi-level marketing plan for building my own business and getting rich. As his dad sat there drawing little circles on a napkin, I remember thinking it was too bad. I sorta liked this guy, but diagrams aren't really fodder for first-date conversation.

Bill thought that some country line dancing was in order. Now, in all honesty, I've done a few Boot Scoot Boogies in my day, but I thought it a little strange that he didn't ask me if I thought it would be fun to go to a spot where I couldn't hear a word he was saying, and where all the other girls had tattoos on their lower backs saying "Giddy Up!"

Turns out, I was glad I couldn't hear what he said all night. I can read lips and every other phrase he uttered was definitely "Shania Twain." He was obviously pining for her, and I, for someone who lived in the real world.

Another favorite was Brian. His idea of a great first date was a prayer meeting at a campground. I got scared as – ironic to say this right before a prayer meeting, but – scared as hell when he pulled onto a dirt road leading into a forest. If the show "Without a Trace" had been on in the early 90s, I would've felt sure to be the basis of its next episode. When I saw the cabin, I also envisioned the punch bowl full of grape Kool-Aid.

Thankfully, neither of those visions came to be. But I could tell by the looks on the faces of the others that this wasn't the first time Brian tried to recruit a new girlfriend and Christian on the same night.

Then there was Rick, who I'd met at a hockey game. He confessed on our first date that his friend who works at the Department of Motor Vehicles looked up my address for him, and he'd already driven by my place "a few times." He was a lovely cross between a stalker and what hockey players call the "goon" – the guy who spends more time in the penalty box than on ice. I secretly named him the "gooker" and crossed him off my list of potential suitors.

I also had a first date over lunch with Troy. He showed up in full Army fatigues. We'd been set up by friends, and I thought to myself, that can't be him. He's the only guy sitting alone in this restaurant, but that can't be him. Don't get me wrong. I think soldiers are, well, sexy. But he looked ready to go into battle. With the laced-up, shiny boots and everything. All of a sudden, I had this overwhelming feeling like I had to stand at attention, and end my replies with "sir, yes sir!"

An eccentric choice of first date clothing for what turned out to be quite an eccentric -- too much so for me -- type of guy.

Last, but not least, there was Chris, who thought a family reunion/picnic to be a great first date. The funny thing is, most girls I know have had a guy do this to them. He says, "We'll go on a picnic." And when you arrive at the park, he pulls up to the big covered building with the 50 picnic tables and everybody in matching navy blue shirts that say "the Carpenter Clan."

He then announces, "We're here, and boy, I can't wait for you to meet my Uncle Lou. His pet parakeet is 30 years old and can recite the Declaration of Independence."

I quickly made my own declaration of independence, letting Chris know that my apartment was within walking distance of the park and I couldn't stay long, and there was no need for him to escort me home.

So, too all you Brads, Bills and Ricks out there, just keep the following brief pointers in mind, and you'll do better than half your competition.

1. Quiet

2. Casually-dressed

3. Dinner

4. Family-free

5. Indoors

Remember, there's a lot to be said for early normalcy. If it works out, she'll have plenty of time to get to know and love the religious, parrot- and Shania-loving, G.I. Joe entrepreneur that is you.

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