North Star Writers Group

I have a real job in the real business world. A few weeks ago, I attended a seminar that really got me thinking. This is a rare thing. No, not me thinking! That’s actually pretty common. The rarity was that a guest speaker sparked it. Jeffrey Gitomer is a well-known sales consultant, and while some of his ideas are great and others just OK, this one was certainly a gem that’s had me thinking ever since.

Why, oh why does everyone have such a boring and/or terrible voicemail message?

“I’m either on the phone or away from desk.” No way! Really?

“I’m sorry that I can’t take your call right now.” Liar. You’re glad. Heck, I’m probably glad, too.

“Today is Thursday, and I’m...” Gee, thanks for telling me what day it is! Because I’m stupid. Oh wait, you’re stupid. Today is Friday, and you forgot to change your voicemail!

“If this is an emergency, please contact Barbara, who will assist you.” Who is Barbara? I don’t know her. I don’t know anybody at the company but you, and I want to talk to someone I know. I’ll just call a different company altogether!

Gitomer offers advice on making your voicemail clever, creative and somehow memorable. I reject that theory. Look how many people do that in their homes or on their cell phones. It never really comes off as clever or creative, and is only memorable in an annoying sort of way.

Like your friend Mary who has three kids and a dog, all of whom have to be represented on the voicemail. “You’ve reached the home of Mary, Mark (then ten-year-old chimes in) Johnny, (five-year-old giggles for twenty seconds then adds) Susie, (one year old adds) Goo Goo and (Bark! Bark!) Rover.”

By this point, I would rather have a pen driven through my heart.

Yet, what’s worse? That, or the arrogant message that says, “This is Fred. You know what to do.” Thanks, Fred. I think I do. Hang up and never call your cocky self again.

So, what is the answer to the voicemail dilemma? I’m in favor of making it simple, short and sweet. I’m busy. My 10 hours (or more) per day in the office are precious, because I need to end them so I can get home. Your evening hours calling me at home are just as precious, as I’m sure you have better things to do than listen to a drone-like message.

So, I say we start a voicemail revolution.

Here are some options. There’s no reason to lengthen them – their beauty is in their succinctness.

Start with the simple sentence:
“Leave a message, because I’m…”. Then, choose from the following:

Emotionally unavailable. (Isn’t that true of all of us when we’re at work? At least, it should be!)
Napping. (If not literally, then figuratively, as you probably are in a boring meeting.)
Avoiding people. (Why not be truthful?)
Engrossed in urgencies. (This is true 100 percent of the time. Everything is considered a crisis by someone.)
Playing with kids. (If you’re not, try it sometime! It’s therapy.)
Enriching my life. (Only use if you’re actually doing that, but consider the definition to be wide, such as reading a newspaper, volunteering, etc.)
On deadline. (Honestly, this is my personal favorite. Who can argue with it? How do they know?)
At someone’s bedside. (This is general enough to be flexible. The good thing is that people will assume the worst and realize they shouldn’t bother you with their issues!)
Mattress dancing. (OK, maybe not. I guess your boss and parents probably do call you! But if you want to gross them out, this’ll do!)

As you can see, your options are many. Play with this idea today. Not only will you break out of boredom, but between yourself and those who call you, you could add hours to your day!

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