Best Local Contribution to the Sex Industry:
Lifekey Healthcare Inc. in Blue Ash sells Enzyte, a penis-enhancing product, through full-page ads in national magazines like Rolling Stone as well as radio commercials. The product claims to increase sexual virility, energy and stamina — and is distributed via a nondedscript office building just off Ronald Reagan Highway. There they go again! Lifekey Healthcare, 10877 Millington Court, Blue Ash, 877-436-9983.

Best Sex Organ:
According to Elyse Metcalf, it’s the brain — specifically, the imagination. In a CityBeat article on the popularity of penis enhancement pills, the owner of Elyse’s Passion says men need to learn that sexual satisfaction is about more than just size. “I think most of them have this idea that they just want their penis bigger and bigger and bigger,” she said. “You realize his problem isn’t his penis size. His problem is he doesn’t have a clue on how to satisfy a woman.” Elyse’s Passion, 4181 Hamilton Ave., Northside, 513-541-0800.

Best Sexy Dance:
Last fall’s Dance on the Rocks at the Aronoff Center downtown, where the dance troupe balletech ohio created dances inspired by cocktail names such as “The Bloody Mary” and “Sex on the Beach.” The evening featured choreography by dancer Anna Reznik and music from the Celtic band Silver Arm, with a post-performance party at the nearby Havana Martini Club. A fun time had by all — shaken, not stirred.

Photo: Wendy Uhlman Vernon Manor Best Romantic Locales: Moonlite Gardens and Vernon Manor Hotel Roger Karshner might be Cincinnati’s best-known incurable romantic. As the author of the newly published Cincinnati romance novel, Getting Sentimental Over You, he weaves a weepy tale of true love lost and found. “During the writing, the city’s sights and sounds came pouring in like a Technicolor dream,” Karshner says of the romantic fiction. “Some events are factual. I attempted to be true to the locale, landmarks, etc. The people are based upon characters I’ve been involved with over the years.” His choices for the best romantic places in Cincinnati include Coney Island’s Moonlite Gardens and the Vernon Manor Hotel. The story in Getting Sentimental Over You revolves around two high school lovers who meet again at the 50th class reunion of Hughes High School at the hotel. Coney Island’s Moonlite Gardens, Sutton and Kellogg avenues, Anderson Twp., 513-232-8230; Vernon Manor Hotel, 400 Oak St., Avondale, 513-281-3300. (FW)

Best Sexy Plot:
Shadowbox Cabaret’s current show Sex at the Box, a mix of one-act plays on relationships and sexual topics. That’s opposed to “Sex in a Box,” which is an entirely different show somewhere else. Shadowbox Cabaret, Newport on the Levee, Newport, 859-581-7625.

Best Advice for Men:
Aryeh Pamensky, an ordained rabbi who conducts marriage seminars, spoke at a Jewish Singles Together Around the River (JSTAR) event in February at Go Bananas Comedy Club. But instead of doing stand-up comedy, he offered practical relationship advice. His main message for men? “I have come to give you your job and free you from the shackles of relationships. Your job is to make your woman happy. When? All the time.” JSTAR, www.beam.to/jstar

Best Animal Instincts:
The Valentine’s Day “Wild Side of Love” program at the Cincinnati Zoo. Attendees learned that the female praying mantis bites off the male’s head during mating, the chipping sparrow mates up to four times in one minute and lions can mate 42 times in just 48 hours. The program included champagne, chocolate and other special treats. Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Garden, 3400 Vine St., Avondale, 513-559-7767.

Best Cheap Meal With a View:
A boxed lunch (or dinner) from Malia’s Kitchen, a takeout place located not far from the entrance of Woodland Mound Park. The $4.99 meals are perfect for a quick picnic at the park overview; try the Mediterranean Wrap with salami, provolone, tomatoes and basil olive spread, or order a standard sandwich. All boxed picnics come with deli side salad. There’s also a selection of French petits fours — ah, a river view, a French pastry and thou. Malia’s Kitchen, 7863 Beechmont Ave., Anderson Twp., 513-474-0386.

Best Romantic B&B Getwaway:
The Alvanna Inn, a bed-and-breakfast located in the historic river town of Madison, Ind. As you enter the foyer of this 1895 Italianate home, you’ll encounter the century-old framed marriage certificate of Alva and Anna Rader hanging on the wall. The historic hospitality of the family continues with the current generation of Raders, proprietors David and Judith. The B&B features one suite and three guest rooms, all with private baths. Breakfast includes slices of ham drizzled with apple raisin sauce, fruit salads and homemade cream cheese raspberry coffee cake. The entire downtown is on the National Register of Historic Places, so there’s lots to see within walking distance. No children, pets or smoking allowed. Alvanna Inn, 509 Jefferson St., Madison, Ind., 812-273-6557.