Ducks in a Row: An A-Z of Offlish: The Definitive Guide to the Language of Office English [Paperback]

From the beginning to the end; the whole story.

Usage**** – Unironic managers underlining their intention
to examine every aspect of a problem: ‘We need to look at everything from beginning to end, the whole shooting match, and get our ducks in a row. This is an A–Z scenario, guys.’

See also Ducks in a row; Guys; Unironic manager; Z

Absolutely!
= interj: completely; unconditionally

A word that demands an exclamation mark!

Usage***** – Everyone, everywhere, constantly. This is the correct Offlish term§ to express enthusiastic agreement
(or at least to pretend to express enthusiastic agreement). Unironic managers will often add the superfluous rider:
‘I hear what you are saying!’

See also Enthusiasm; Unironic manager

§ ‘Definitely!’, ‘Exactly!’ and ‘Precisely!’ are common variations.

Accelerator, take one’s foot off the
= phrase: to reduce speed

A foolish error that results in progress that is slower than anticipated.
Usage*** – The phrase sounds forceful, but its vagueness makes it a useful means of declaring general responsibility without accepting personal culpability. It is, therefore, ideal for delivering all kinds of ‘bad news’: the Chairman briefing the City or
shareholders on a set of poor results; senior managers
reporting to the board; junior managers grovelling to their boss. (A popular variation is ‘taking one’s eye off the ball’.)

See also News, bad

Act
= n: a performance

Often hard to follow.

Usage*** – Unironic managers; downtrodden but watchfully respectful managers.

See also Monster; Unironic manager

Act together, get our
= phrase: display organisation and purposefulness

A common threat or plea.

Usage** – Sales managers as one of their principal means
of encouragement to their subordinates; also desperate
managers lacking in confidence begging for assistance from their teams.

See also Sales manager; Team

Action
= v: to act; implement; make happen

In the office the saying ‘Actions speak louder than words’ is widely respected.

Usage***** – The transmogrification of ‘action’ from a noun into a verb is now so widespread in Offlish usage as to be
unchallengeable, the standard English equivalents – ‘do’ or
‘complete’ – being regarded as too weedy for the muscular needs of the office. The enthusiastic wielding of this unlovely term will, however, mark out colleagues who might best be avoided, even if this can only be on social occasions. It is
used in meetings by managers and executives everywhere to underline their vigorous determination. It is also a favourite of jargon-spewing management consultants as well as Ambitious managers (faking interest as usual) and Unironic managers, who are all Offlish devotees: ‘Who is going to action this?’/
‘Can we look at the actioning of this PDQ?’ There is also an ugly adjective: ‘What’s actionable from the agenda?’ ‘Drive’, ‘land’, ‘nail’ and ‘own’, which are all equally unattractive, are often used as substitutes.

See also Agenda; Ambitious manager; Drive; Land;
Management consultant; Meeting; Nail; Own; Unironic
manager

Action-oriented
= adj: predisposed to action

A mongrel term: the offspring of fashion and baloney.

Usage***** – Unblushing executives who don’t care if they are talking nonsense; pretentious, jargon-ridden job adverts written by empty-headed HR managers; eager-to-please candidates who hope that Offlish will make them appear in-the-club, businesslike, pliant and, therefore, suitable for corporate employment; on-the-make managers who use Offlish gobbledegook to show their seeming commitment to the cause; lazy managers who take refuge in Offlish rather than thinking for themselves; also Unironic managers who don’t know any better. (A similar term is ‘target-oriented’.)

See also Commitment; Human Resources manager;
Unironic manager
Acumen
= n: insight

A fallible idol.

Usage** – In job adverts for a large number of roles and
positions, where it is a synonym for ‘intelligence’ or ‘competence’. It is also favoured by journalists to describe successful executives; however, once the executive is perceived to be
failing, the same quality becomes recklessness or ignorance.

See also Hero-to-zero

Age, come of
= phrase: to reach maturity

A rite-of-passage that should be celebrated with great ceremony.

Usage* – Managers, especially No-nonsense managers, who are unable to resist football terminology, metaphors and analogies
(a body of language otherwise known as Premiership English): ‘He did the business, all right. He came of age with that project, he did.’

See also No-nonsense manager; Premiership English

Agenda
= n: listing of business for a meeting to discuss

A charade played to elaborate, difficult-to-follow rules that, in addition, vary from one locality to another.

Usage* – Managers everywhere.

See also Agenda, hidden


Agenda, hidden
= n: a secret plan

Quantum physics, for those with sufficient knowledge and
intelligence to understand its principles, has posited the existence of parallel universes; so it is in the office also.

Usage**** – Outraged managers who have been outwitted by
a Machiavellian colleague; exhausted managers who have given up the fight.

See also Machiavellian manager

Ah!
= interj: an expression of surprise

The sound of revelation.

Usage*** – Guilty managers who have been rumbled:
– ‘Isn’t this the same information you presented last week? And wasn’t it wrong then, too?’
– ‘Ah!’

See also Oh!

Airhead
= n: an unintelligent person; a scatterbrain

In the office there is a place for everyone.

Usage** – Managers mocking a colleague (or ‘space cadet’) whose powers of disorganisation are a constant source of amusement and encouragement: ‘What an airhead! He’s on another planet, that one.’

See also Colleague; Muppet; Space cadet --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.