NOW YOU TOO CAN BE A

Just take regular doses of Triple-S and you'll never question authority again. 

You'll be able to endure Presidential Addresses and appreciate the wit and wisdom of George W. Bush.  You'll realize that the loss of civil liberties is a small price to pay for homeland security as America degenerates into a police state.

Ask questions like, “Why do the terrorists hate us?” with a straight face.

Enlist in the military to fight the never-ending War on Terror. 

Impress chicks with the noble lament, “I regret that I have but one life to give for a gallon of super-unleaded.” 

Watch your muscle mass increase as your brain cell count plummets.

• If hair loss or skin rash occurs, discontinue use. (See Fig. 1)

Figure 1

• Not recommended for use in swamps, marshes, or other wetland areas, as unwanted side effects may result, including unsightly fungus growth. (See Fig.2)

Figure 2

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In January, the US Justice Department spent $8,000 on curtains to hide a pair of 12’ tall aluminum statues that stand behind the podium in the Great Hall, where press conferences are often held.

US Attorney General John Ashcroft, a conservative Christian fundamentalist, ordered the statues covered because he was tired of being photographed in front of the female "Spirit of Justice" statue, which had one breast exposed. 

When the curtains are removed later this year, the “Spirit of Justice” will have been replaced with a new statue, the “Defender of the Homeland.” It will depict a 15’ Skinhead Super Soldier wrapped in the American flag and holding Captain America’s shield.

Ashcroft, who seeks to prevent future terrorist attacks in America by profiling foreigners and securing US borders against immigrants, is pleased with the new design. He denounced critics of the “Defender of the Homeland” statue as unpatriotic and accused them of giving aid and comfort to terrorists.

“We need to get rid of the ‘Majesty of Law’ statue too,” he said, referring to the male counterpart of the “Spirit of Justice”. “Americans don’t care about Law or Justice after 9-11. They want revenge. How else would we be getting away with military tribunals?”

Captain America was too disgusted to comment.

NEW YORK - The founder of Banner Labs has received sharp criticism this week for a new product his company has made available in American pharmacies.  Detractors claim that the so-called Super Soldier Serum is really nothing of the sort, and only exploits the jingoism and ignorance common to American citizens.

“First of all,” replied Dr. Banner in a press statement issued this morning, “The Super Soldier Serum is FDA-approved.  Secondly, may I point out that SHIELD cut my funding after I resigned to join SHAFT and start my own company, so I had to do something to generate an influx of cash.”

WAKANDA - Barbara Morse has spent most of her scientific career trying to recreate the Super Soldier Serum, first while working for the US government, and now in the private sector.  

“We want to successfully duplicate the World War II experiment and create another Captain America,” says Morse. “But so far we’ve only been able to synthesize a cheap knock-off serum that we’re selling to gullible rednecks back in the States.” 

Dr. Morse enjoys working at Banner Labs, but admits that it hasn’t been the same since the mysterious disappearance of her colleague and lab partner, Theodore Sallis. She had worked alongside the brilliant chemist for years on the Super Soldier Serum, and the two scientists developed a strange rapport. “Ted used to call me ‘Mockingbird.’ I think that was his polite way of saying that I was verbally abusive. But I couldn’t help riding him. Some of his formulas were pretty freaky.” 

Unlike some of her fellow researchers, she wasn’t phased when Dr. Banner asked her to relocate to a secret facility in deepest, darkest Africa. She credits her SHIELD training. “My first field assignment was in the Savage Land,” Morse deadpans. “Wakanda is pretty tame by comparison. And the dinosaurs are smaller.” 

The biologist, who is also a skilled gymnast and weapons specialist, says she was originally recruited to SHIELD by Nick Fury himself.

When Ted Sallis vanished without any explanation, Bobbi fell back on the skills she learned as Agent 19 and tried to track him down, but was unsuccessful. She has decided to honor his memory by taking Mockingbird as her SHAFT codename.