The following is a transcript of the first official SHAFT Summit Meeting between Nick Fury and the Ultimates, which was videotaped for posterity...

Nick Fury:  If everyone would be so kind as to shut the hell up, I’d like to call this meeting to order.  For starters, I apologize for holding this prestigious gathering in Osama bin Laden’s cave.  I know it’s not the swankest of facilities. 

Spider-Man:  Why aren’t we meeting at the Wakandan Embassy in New York?

Nick Fury:  Are you kidding?  Last night’s Grand Opening had FBI, CIA, NSA, and SHIELD agents swarming all over it.  Not only did they get plastered and trash the joint, but it’ll take us a week to sweep the building for bugs and spy cams. 

Scarlet Witch:  But still, why here?  Even that dump Captain America calls an apartment is better than this. 

Nick Fury:  I needed a secure area that I knew wouldn’t be under surveillance by any American intelligence agencies, and I figured this fit the bill.

Scarlet Witch:  So where’s bin Laden?

Nick Fury:  SHIELD’s had him in custody for months.  They wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to such a valuable asset.  He’s the key bogey man in the War on Terror, so they keep him locked up and just release a new video every few months, which they make using a Life Model Decoy.

Spider-Man:  That explains a lot.

Captain America:  Nick Fury and I have assembled you here today for an emergency briefing. A dire menace to life and liberty has surfaced, and the fate of humanity, of the entire planet, hangs in the balance.

Hawkeye:  Shouldn’t Giant Man and Wasp be here for this?

Nick Fury:  Yes, but Giant Man is in the emergency room, and the Wasp is in Giant Man.  I trust you understand the cause-and-effect relationship between those two facts?

Hawkeye:  Ummm…

Nick Fury:  It’s better if you try not to imagine it.  You have to work with these people.

Spider-Man:  Why is Dr. Banner in Hulk-mode?  I thought he was cured.

Hawkeye:  Iron Man and Thor took him barhopping.  Turns out he’s a mean, green drunk.

The Hulk:  HULK SMASHED!

Nick Fury:  Jesus H. Christ, Banner, this is a briefing, not a 12-step meeting!  And where the hell are your pants?

The Hulk:  HULK LONELY!

Spider-Man:  Sharing Violation! Too Much Information!

Nick Fury:  TMI sustained. Now, if we can get on to the matter at hand... Captain?

Captain America:  As superheroes, we've all had to face megalomaniacal villains and their evil plots to take over the world. In the past, we have always managed to thwart their schemes at the last possible moment.  But we now face an enemy so powerful and insidious that it will take our combined might to defeat them.

Spider-Man:  Pinky and the Brain?

Captain America:  The Legion of Terror! Their plan for world domination is in its final stages. While we concentrated our efforts on petty costumed thugs and amateur overlords, they were establishing a global power base. Now most of the human race has been enslaved by their evil empire.

Spider-Man:  Bummer.

Captain America:  They have no concern for human rights, freedom, or dignity. They pursue their objectives using brute force, coercion, and subterfuge… overthrowing democracy, destroying the environment, and committing genocide whenever and wherever it suits their needs.

Hawkeye:  You mean the United States government?

Nick Fury:  Not just the US. The governments of all the most powerful nations on Earth. Under the pretext of forming an “anti-terror coalition,” they have banded together, combining their forces like never before in human history, crushing any resistance or opposition.

Captain America:  Their only priorities are money and power. The Legion of Terror allows the majority of the world’s population to suffer from poverty and starvation while it secures oil interests and stockpiles nuclear missiles and other weapons of mass destruction.

Thor:  Indeed, you mortals seem to be a suicidal bunch, always falling victim to your own contradictions. You say you want peace and order, yet you allow your lives to be run by authoritarian regimes that generate violence and mayhem. You prefer living in fear to taking responsibility for your own destinies, and that has made you a race of slaves. Someday you will realize that the illusion of security comes with the price tag of tyranny.

Spider-Man:  Hardcore! Fight the power!

Nick Fury:  That's the plan, Spider-Man.  Earth’s greatest heroes have spent too much time fighting the symptoms of modern society. It’s time to confront the root causes.

Spider-Man:  No offense, but when all this was going down, weren't you the Director of SHIELD, which is basically just a high-tech tool of globalization?

Nick Fury:  Look at the big brain on Spidey!

Spider-Man:  Uh, well, I work at a newspaper...

Captain America:  You can't demonize all the people who try to make a difference by working within the system, Spider-Man. Fury's done a lot of good in his career. Look at me. If I hadn't fought alongside the Allies in World War II, the Nazis would have destroyed the White House with an atomic bomb. Wait, maybe that's a bad example...

Thor:  But change is what you mortals fear most. You cling to the status quo, even if it means your destruction.

Captain America:  Gandhi once said that we have to be the change we want to see in the world.  People look up to us as heroes. For the average person, the Ultimates are the symbols of everything good and noble and just about mankind. As long as we appear to support the authorities, we give legitimacy to the Legion of Terror. Blind obedience to fascists is not the American Way that I’m sworn to protect. This country is supposed to be about individual freedom.

Nick Fury:  If there’s anything I’ve learned over the years, it’s that people are sheep. They sleepwalk through their lives, going through the motions in a mechanical fashion, just cogs in the machine that’s grinding up the world, never stopping to contemplate whether there might be a better way of handling things. The Ultimates can provide their wake-up call. Where their heroes, role models, and celebrities lead, the people will follow.

Scarlet Witch:  I'm curious as to why Iron Man hasn't spoken this entire time. Could it be that he's feeling guilty about being a billionaire playboy while so many people on the planet are starving to death?

Hawkeye:  Actually, I believe he's gotten drunk and passed out in his armor again. He's got it programmed to keep him upright so that no one suspects. IRON MAN! WAKE UP!

Iron Man: Huh? Wha-? Hawkeye? Thor? Cap? Spidey? Scarlet Witch? Hulk? Aw shit, this isn't another intervention, is it?

Nick Fury:  No, Iron Man. We can discuss your drinking habits another time. Right now we're talking about SHAFT!

Scarlet Witch:  The Super Human African-American Federal Task Force?

Captain America:  That's just a cover we're using long enough to get organized and "acquisition" as much equipment from the US government as possible before they figure out what's going on.

Nick Fury:  Correctamundo! Once everything is in place, we will introduce ourselves to the world as "Super Heroes for Anarchy and Free Thought." When that happens, I'm hoping to have all the Ultimates on board.

Iron Man:  Look, guys, as CEO of Stark International, I know all about image and public relations. The Bush Administration assembled the Ultimates as a PR stunt, to give Americans a false sense of security. You represent billions of taxpayer dollars that's been thrown at a problem to make people think the government is doing something useful. Nick Fury, on the other hand, is offering us a chance to make a real difference in the world.

Nick Fury:  Having me take the Undercover Brother Serum was all about PR as well. They thought having a black General Fury leading the Ultimates would improve their image. What they didn't count on was me going rogue and taking the Ultimates with me.

Nick Fury:  What they've got is my foot up their ass. Spidey, Captain America, and Iron Man are already members of SHAFT, along with Giant Man, Wasp, Black Panther, Black Punisher, Luke Cage, the X-Men, and a bunch of former SHIELD agents that were loyal to me only. How about the rest of you? Are you ready to join the Resistance?

Scarlet Witch:  You can count on my support, and that of my husband The Vision as well.

Nick Fury:  Thank you, Wanda. SHAFT is open to everyone, even your life-size cyber-sex doll.

Thor:  Yea, verily, the god of thunder doth pledge his hammer in the service of SHAFT!

The Hulk:  HULK SMASH THE STATE!

Hawkeye:  I'm in, but I gotta ask, how are we going to pay for this?

Iron Man:  Stark International will be underwriting many of our expenses and providing Research & Development.  Banner Labs will be doing the same, if we can ever talk Dr. Banner into signing the papers.

Nick Fury:  That reminds me, I've got the documents right here.  Hulk, come over here and draw an X on this piece of paper.

The Hulk:  Okey-dokey. 

Scarlet Witch:  OK, so we've got funding... do we have a plan?

Captain America:  We're making this up as we go along.  All we can do is throw stuff at the wall and see what sticks.

Spider-Man:  Ex-squeeze me?

Nick Fury:  All right, people. We have just been witness to the birth of the Resistance. This calls for a toast!

Spider-Man:   The only thing left in the fridge is camel's milk. Iron Man said he needed all of the beer for armor coolant to keep him from overheating in the desert.

Nick Fury:  Camel's milk may taste like Nestlé Quik, but I'll never know, 'cause even if it did I wouldn't drink the filthy shit.

Spider-Man:   Hold on, everybody. Let me web my camera to the wall of the cave, and we can pose for a portrait...

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