Current Stories Collected by the SHAFT Communications Office
COUNTDOWN TO MID-LIFE CRISIS

The story behind Batman's recent erratic behavior

GOTHAM CITY, August 10 -- Batman, once believed to be an urban legend concocted by the cowardly and superstitious criminals of Gotham, has been getting plenty of publicity lately, causing some to speculate that the Dark Knight Detective has something to prove. Usually only glimpsed among the ranks of the Justice League whenever the world needs saving, Batman has been making an increasing number of televised solo appearances around the country in order to compete in a variety of sports venues.

Obsessively pitting himself against the world's champions, Batman has engaged in everything from fighting in pay-per-view boxing matches to racing the Batmobile in NASCAR tournaments.
Batman has challenged Mike Tyson to a rematch, attributing his recent defeat to a lack of prep time.
Gotham Globe reporter and Victoria's Secret model Vicki Vale was determined to uncover the root cause of Batman's odd behavior, but neither Batman nor his associates in the newly-regrouped Justice League were willing to discuss the matter. Everyone Vale spoke to seemed determined to look the other way and pretend the situation was completely normal.
The Batman of Earth-2 delivers a dire warning about the fate of the multiverse.
Vale's big break finally came when she was approached by a visitor from a parallel universe, the Batman of Earth-2, who had traveled to our dimension to warn us of an imminent crisis. He granted Vale an interview, during which he made startling accusations against the Justice League.

"Batman has always been a source of embarrassment for the League," explained Earth-2 Batman. "His obsessive nature always leads to certain... excesses, which must be reined in. Therefore, in an effort to make him more presentable to the public, the Justice League periodically mindwipes Batman and gives him an image makeover."

Pressed for details, Earth-2 Batman revealed the ability of League member Zatanna to magically erase parts of a person's memory.

"Over the years, the League has erased Batman's memories of his Aunt Harriet, Batmite, Ace the Bathound, his relationship with Batwoman, his gun-toting days, and the Batusi disco dance, along with numerous other Bat-items they considered 'too silly.' This summer they were at it again, and wiped out his memories of the Bat credit card, the neon Batmobile, the Bat-codpiece, nipples on the Batsuit, and everything else they considered 'too gay.' The results are always the same: the mindwipe works for a short period of time, then causes him to freak out even more as the continuous meddling with his brain makes him increasingly schizophrenic. This will not end well."

Vicki Vale finally had to bring the interview to a close when the Batman of Earth-2 began to describe in excruciating detail the multidimensional apocalypse that would result from Batman discovering he had been repeatedly mindwiped by the Justice League, including the unleashing of Lex Luthor's supervillain army and Maxwell Lord's OMAC drones, a galactic war between the citizens of Rann and Thanagar, and the destruction of all magic by the Spectre, for starters.

"Then things will get really bad," he insisted. "We are facing a crisis of infinite proportions!" At that point, Vale had the harbinger of doom escorted from the building by security. 

Batman, upon hearing of his Earth-2 counterpart's wild claims, dismissed the idea that he has suffered any brain damage as a result of the League's alleged tampering. 

Furthermore, he believes the criticism and speculation resulting from his sports-related activities are evidence of the double standard that exists among League members.

"No one ever gave Superman any crap about fighting Muhammad Ali, or his obsession with beating the Flash in a race. And if we're going to talk about mindwiping, let's start with whatever happened to his Legion of Super-Pets."

CLARK KENT SPOTTED IN METROPOLIS

Can Superman be far behind?

METROPOLIS, August 13 -- Rumors that Clark Kent had recently been seen on the streets of Metropolis were confirmed this week when Daily Planet photographer Jimmy Olsen managed to snap a picture of him before he "disappeared into thin air." 

Clark Kent, the award-winning journalist, had been missing for months. In a press conference just last month, Margaret Sawyer of the Metropolis Police Department's Special Crimes Unit announced that the search had been officially terminated due to a complete lack of evidence or new information.

"All we know is that the day after Superman left Earth, Mr. Kent failed to show up for work in the morning. By all accounts, he literally disappeared without a trace."

This is not the first time Clark Kent and Superman have been missing at the same time. The most notable incident was the aftermath of Doomsday's rampage through Metropolis, which concluded with the deaths of both Superman and Doomsday. Clark Kent was trapped in the rubble, and was not located by rescue teams until after Superman's miraculous return to life.

Citizens of Metropolis are hoping that the pattern will hold true, and that the reappearance of Clark Kent signals the imminent return of Superman, who has not been heard from since he headed into outer space at the beginning of his self-imposed exile from Earth. 

The Last Son of Krypton poses outside the Hall of Socialism.
Superman was a founding member of the original Justice League, and was part of the team when Batman disbanded it in 2002 to form the DK2 Resistance Cell. Unable to embrace the philosophy of anarchy, the Man of Steel distanced himself from his former teammates and, disillusioned by the decline of American democracy, shocked the world by declaring himself a member of the Communist Party (SHAFT NewsWire, October 2003). Sources claim that his decision to leave our planet was fueled by the self-doubt that plagued him after his inability to recruit any meta-humans into his Supercomrades team (see The SHAFT Files for more information).

Since Superman's departure from Earth in 2004, Batman, angered by the U.S. government's appropriation of the name "Justice League" and the fact that no one ever understood the name "DK2," has re-formed the original Justice League. In the process, he and his allies skillfully defeated the "new" Justice Leaguers -- Nucular Man and the Ultimen -- and reclaimed their fabled headquarters from the U.S. Dept. of Justice.

Asked whether or not Superman would be invited to rejoin the Justice League upon his return, Batman replied, "We let Jon Stewart in, didn't we?" (for that story, see the SHAFT NewsWire, December 2004).
Lois Lane, a longtime colleague of Clark Kent, contacted the Justice League to find out if they had any more information about the possibility of Superman's return.

In response, Batman sent her copies of recent Watchtower surveillance photographs showing a Kryptonian spacecraft crashed near the Kent Farm, Clark Kent's ancestral home in Smallville, Kansas. 

A note scribbled on the back of one of the photos read, "I think there's a pretty good chance."

Although the White House has yet to issue a statement on the issue, the BBC has noted that Vice President Dick Cheney recently underwent surgery to have his artificial heart replaced with Metallo's Kryptonite one. 

THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
Gorilla Grodd and Lex Luthor establish the Legion of Doom in Smallville, Kansas.
Above: Willie Nelson and Diana Prince were briefly captured by the IRS this week. They later attributed their escape to the timely arrival of Wonder Woman.

CRAZED CELEBRITY KIDNAPS GOTHAM CITY ASSISTANT DISTRICT ATTORNEY

Tom Cruise has been listed among the escapees from Arkham Asylum who overran the Narrows of Gotham City during Ra's Al Ghul's attack last month. Cruise was being held for psychiatric evaluation following numerous bizarre outbursts on a variety of syndicated talk shows. After his escape, Cruise kidnapped Gotham City's Assistant D.A. Rachel Dawes, and has been dragging her around the world as his hostage ever since. Batman has been spotted tracking the couple, and is presumably planning to rescue Dawes as soon as he can get her away from Cruise without running the risk of injuring her.

For previous news stories, check out the SHAFT NewsWire Archive.

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