In the realm of pop culture, the lifespan of every trend, phenomenon and fad can be scientifically tracked and charted - even genital jokes. After her spree of grisly vagina shots last week, comedy writers (ourselves included) took more shots at Britney Spears than paparazzi in a panty store. Below, we examine this joke’s rise in popularity, the inevitable tipping point, and its subsequent decline into hacky awfulness. CLICK IMAGE FOR FULL SIZE.

Morning Theft is an NYC band via Boston that sounds a little bit like Nirvana, a little bit like The Replacements, and a whole lot like Awesome (does that even make sense?) They’ll be playing a Halloween show in Cambridge, MA where they cover Weezer’s blue album from beginning to end, so if you’re in the Boston area you can’t miss it (you can find out more about it and listen to a few tracks on their MySpace page, natch.) Lead singer Rob Holmes sat down in the BWE iPod Shuffle chair today and threw caution to the wind. Let’s see how he did:

1.) Jeff Buckley “Corpus Christi Carol” - I named my band after a Jeff Buckley song. But not this one.
2.) Hole “Miss World” - One of the best songs Kurt Cobain ever wrote
3.) The Pixies “Down To The Well” - God, i love this band. Boston represent.
4.) The Replacements “Alex Chilton” - Something bugs me about the lyric “children by the million wait for alex chilton.” Stupid Mark Foley, ruining everything.
5.) Dane Cook “Where’s the Handle” - I love listening to comedy CDs, and i used to really really like Dane Cook… but seriously, Dane, what the hell? What is wrong with you? You’re like the new Ben Affleck….a Boston boy gone wrong.

Alright, now it’s your turn. Shuffle your iPod and leave your songs in the comments. And don’t lie!

Take a look at this photo. On the right, a new and improved Ashlee Simpson, or as we chose to call her, “Heidi Klum 3000.” Now, look a little to the left… that ashen-faced dead-eyed deer you see is actually Jessica Simpson. Jessica was seen supporting sister Ashlee’s debut in the London production of Chicago. Our initial reaction was to get the paddles out, scream “clear”, and jolt some electricity back into her sad, deadened heart. But could this all be part of some ingenious campaign to illicit sympathy for the girl who seemed to have it all? Because (pause for boiling hot shower and thorough de-licing) we think it’s working. You can peep more of the opening night pics here. What has happened to America’s darlings?

We were all saddened to hear the news that Lindsay Lohan fell down and broke her wrist last weekend, resulting in a mandatory arm cast for her latest fashion accessory. But if there’s one thing Hollywood stars are known for, it’s taking care of their own and rallying behind each other in times of trouble. So the least Lindsay’s pals could do is sign her cast with words of encouragement. Some of their sentiments will help her get well soon (UPGRADE), while others will only make her feel sick (DOWNGRADE).

Check out her autograph collection and tell us which ones are best. Vote now!

NOTE: If you have trouble registering (or simply don’t want to), but would like to see the cast signatures anyway, click here.

• A plastic bag has been spotted floating near a shuttle in outer space, thus completely blowing the minds of stoned college kids who think American Beauty* and 2001 are, like, so deep man.
• While visiting boyfried Pete Doherty in rehab last week, Kate Moss reportedly “got it on” with him in the public garden, proving once again that these two are the Romeo and Juliet of drug-addled enablers. Oh bag of blow, bag of blow - wherefore art thou bag of blow?
• Jessica Simpson says shooting her movie Employee of the Month “got her through a tough time”. Yes, nothing brightens the days of bitter divorce quite like Dane Cook doing cartwheels while holding his crotch and making fart noises.
• You know what else healed the wounds of Jessica’s broken matrimony? F*cking some Jackass whose entire life’s work consists of binge drinking, lighting himself on fire and letting crabs dangle from his tongue.
• To mark the 15th anniversary of Nirvana’s landmark album Nevermind, Courtney Love busts out one of her old classics, “Still Shamelessly Exploiting My Dead Genius Husband For Personal Attention After All These Years”.

*Seriously, it’s a f*cking bag.

The studio behind Employee of the Month took a pretty interesting approach to selling their movie to “the kids on the MySpace”, with the following ad currently appearing on the front page. I suspected this movie would be full of plastic sex objects who can’t act, but I didn’t realize it was actually hardcore porno…

UPDATE: My obvious (and rather poor) photoshopping of the first panel of the ad somehow made it appear that they were salaciously using sex to sell their movie, which they clearly would never think of doing. For clarity, the ad actually reads, “Dane Cook is HARD at work”, not “Dane Cook is HARD”. There’s a difference. Also, the Jessica Simpson part reads exactly as displayed.

• ALBUM RELEASE: Forget about Paris, I want the remix album complete with topless artwork and 40 minutes of lines like “Why am I famous?” over generic beats. Some say better than the original.(Stereogum)
• T&FC: Whether she was getting groped her boyfriend or flashing the infamous Firecrotch, Lindsay Lohan was all over the internets today. (IDLYITW & PerezHilton)
• FAR FROM RAVE REVIEW: If you enjoyed Dane Cook’s HBO special last night you’re directly responsible for the death of comedy. I’m just sayin’. (LATimes)
• WHO KNEW?: Apparently some chick is taking over the CBS evening news tonight and that’s, like, a big deal or something. I guess. (Jossip)
• HOSTAGE SITUATION: When Kid Rock & Jeremy Piven storm the stage and take over a concert, you’re not going anywhere. Whether you like it or not. (Defamer)

US Magazine reports in tomorrow’s issue that Jessica Simpson, i.e. “The Voice of a Collageneration”, and John Mayer, i.e. “Douchey Scissorhands McWatson”, are an item. “But how can this be?”, you ask yourself. “Jessica Simpson has fallen ‘ass over tits’ for Dane Cook” your brain keeps repeating while you secretly cut yourself. We thought the same thing…

But get this. Jessica Simpson has lost her voice. While her album is set to debut tomorrow, she’s on doctor’s order to rest her vocals, as she has a “bruised vocal cord.” (We only hope it is NOT related to Dane Cook in any way.) And supposed new squeeze John Mayer? ALSO HAS LARYNGITIS. (Again, hopefully not Dane Cook related.) Could these two lovebirds be speaking one another sign language in a hidden location somewhere? We’re calling major conspiracy town — and we’re not gonna lie, we kinda like them together!

Leave it to Hollywood to turn our lazy summer days into one crazy-filled week. Here’s what happened:

• When Paramount decided to terminate its 14-year partnership with Tom Cruise, both parties started pointing fingers in the press, resulting in one very frightening memo to Tom from Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone.
• We discovered a site called 10,000 Reasons Civilization Is Doomed and had a good chuckle about it. But after also discovering Paris’ album, Dane Cook’s idea of comedy, a Lohan Family Circus comic, a Snakes on a Plane tattoo, and celebrity scales, we’re starting to worry that the site wasn’t a joke.
• After failing to impress even the most musical-taste-challenged teenyboppers at the Teen Choice Awards, K-Fed stops bragging about his MC skills and starts bragging about his GED skills.
• Team Firecrotch decided their battles would be better fought by moving Moron Headquarters from Hyde Nightclub directly to Paris Hilton’s house, where Brandon Davis also now resides.
• Seeing as neither could avoid the necessity of promoting themselves to their target demographic at the Teen Choice Awards, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson’s inevitable crossing of paths turned out to be one really awkward encounter.
• Troubled pop princess Britney Spears has been making pretty premature plans for her own burial, saying she wants to be buried with her dog Lucky. As the average human lives upwards of 70 years and dogs only for about 10, this means she’s either planning to keep Lucky’s corpse on ice for six decades, or she’s really trying tell us something.

The Teen Choice Awards have turned out to be an endless source of amusement. So now, for your viewing pleasure, we present the award for The Dumbest Response To Winning An Award For Being Hot. And the winner is… Orlando Bloom!!!

Well, at least he still comes off better than Dane Cook. And don’t even get us started on K-Fed. Don’t even.

Comedian Dane Cook took a break from being unfunny on HBO’s Tourgasm to be unfunny and, well, downright creepy during last night’s Teen Choice Awards. There’s something about a 34-year-old comic making explicit sex jokes in a room full of Hilary Duff fans that would even make John Mark Karr squirm. I’m just sayin.’

So check out the clip now to see Dane act like your creepy uncle that your parents won’t leave you alone with. Awkward Micha Barton anorexia joke sold separately.

-

Some unknown indie-rocker who goes by the name Bob Dylan is the latest musician to use MySpace as a DIY way to get the word out about their music. He doesn’t have nearly as many friends as legitimate talents like Tila Tequila and Dane Cook and his picture is pretty emo, but this Dylan guy’s little songs “Mr. Tambourine Man”, “Like A Rolling Stone”, “Lay Lady Lay” and “Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door” are available for listening on his profile page so you can decide whether or not he’s worth an add. Here’s what one commenter is already saying about him:

I’m mad at MTV. Back in the good old days (the 90’s) I’d get excited for holiday weekends because you knew it meant MTV would roll out one of their patented Top 200 Videos Of All Time specials that would air non-stop and inevitably finish with “Smells Like Teen Spirit” or “Thriller” in the number 1 spot. Those were the best! Nowadays, they don’t do that anymore. In fact, the only marathon I could find on TV this weekend is the Grounded For Life marathon on Fox and honestly, that just doesn’t do it for me.

But what else is on this weekend? Well, tonight Fox is continuing to bust out this past season of 24 in two-hour increments, so that’s definitely worth watching. The Henry Rollins Show welcomes Billy Bob Thornton tomorrow night which should be interesting. And on Sunday we have the full HBO lineup complete with Deadwood, Entourage, Lucky Louis, and the Dane Cook show nobody likes. So what are YOU watching this weekend? Vote now!

TMZ has an interesting story about frat-hero comedian Dane Cook, who solicited his rabidly loyal fanbase (the people arguably responsibly for his meteoric rise to success) to show up and be a part of the finale of his HBO road documentary Tourgasm. The eager fans, thinking they were going to be treated to one of Dane’s classic jumping-around-on-stage-grabbing-his-crotch stand up performances, showed up en masse hours in advance, only to be disappointingly herded around like sheep for background use in a brief segment in which Cook and posse triumphantly arrive by helicopter to do a lame “fake awards acceptance” bit. Dane’s superfans were given a poster of their hero as a token of gratitude, then sent home without more than a glimpse of the man they showed up to see. Dane, who never fails to go out of his way to gratefully gush about his adoring, album-and-ticket-buying fans, blamed the whole thing on HBO before throwing one of his patented “Su-Fi” hand signals, which sent his saddened followers into a convulsions of laughter so strong they completely forgot about the way he used them just to get his Tourgasm.