Yesterday, we posted our handy-dandy “Britney Spears Vagina Jokes Hilarity Index“, charting the rise-and-inevitable-fall of humor that is Britney’s swollen chassis. We assumed that the lowest point of hilarity would be the inevitable thong joke dropped by Jay Leno chin-minus-3 years from now. But we forgot to take into consideration an almost unfathomable lower point — something unfunnier than Jay Leno’s monologue: Britney Spears… making fun of herself. A reader tips us off to a message on Britney’s website:

In a way, we’re relieved. It’s kind of like how Seinfeld went off the air in their prime, before “jumping the shark.” By making fun of her own self, Britney has essentially removed the fire from her own vagina. And we thought she’d need a special cream… Bless.

The good news? She’s just getting started, everyone! Keep your eyes peeled for a Paris/Britney Goatse pic at Hyde any day now.

• Lindsay Lohan’s latest rambling letter to no one in particular falls somewhere between “homeless guy yelling about the apocalypse on a street corner” and “Michael Richards screaming the N-Word” on the Crazy Talk scale.
• Meanwhile, Britney Spears’ lastest missive of truth encouragingly suggests that the starlet has finally come to the realization that we’re all tired of seeing her vajooj every time she exits an automobile.
• Across town, Kevin Federline’s latest plea for continued relevance informs us that the wannabe rapper is doing great despite, you know, not selling any albums, getting divorced, having no money and being regarded as America’s Biggest Douchebag.
• Then we’ve got Joel Madden and Nicole Richie forming an unholy union of who gives a sh*t.
• And can someone please tell us why Britney is borrowing bad ironic T-shirts from her bodyguard?

In the realm of pop culture, the lifespan of every trend, phenomenon and fad can be scientifically tracked and charted - even genital jokes. After her spree of grisly vagina shots last week, comedy writers (ourselves included) took more shots at Britney Spears than paparazzi in a panty store. Below, we examine this joke’s rise in popularity, the inevitable tipping point, and its subsequent decline into hacky awfulness. CLICK IMAGE FOR FULL SIZE.

• Even though she has the full support of pornographers, Britney Spears’ competence as a mother has once again fallen under scrutiny by LA Child Services, who want to make sure the pop singer’s two children are being properly taken care of. In a related story, Brit’s new pal Paris Hilton says she would like children of her own - very soon. Uh-oh.
• On the bright side, after a year’s worth of meltdowns and poor decisions and vaginal exposures, Britney is back on top of the charts…of Yahoo’s most searched terms.
• Donald Trump is still gracelessly defending himself against twenty year-old satirical claims that he has nubby fingers, insisting, “My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.” The guy has a point - just look at his hair. Stunning.
• With this week’s release of The Break-Up on DVD, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn’s publicists would like to remind you that the couple is still broken up, as they have been for months now.
• Scarlett Johansson says she’s ready to do a nude scene. Coincidentally, I am ready to watch Scarlett Johansson in a nude scene.

• Eddie Murphy has officially ended his relationship we don’t care about with Scary Spice to enter into a new relationship we don’t care about with Babyface’s ex-wife, Tracey Edmonds. You are now free to resume your regularly scheduled not thinking about Eddie Murphy.
• If we are to believe this 20/20 Vision Item from Page Six, Britney Spears has been spending her evenings in Hollywood bathrooms, hoovering strawberry-flavored cocaine with Paris Hilton until they’re both wasted enough to go home and have hot - yet not very smart - lesbian sex with each other. What do you think - are Brit and Parisite disease factories?
• Life & Style EXCLUSIVELY!!! reports what we tipped you off about weeks ago, that The OC’s Rachel Bilson and Adam Brody have…zzz…decided to zzz…zzz.
• Despite what her previous comments might suggest, Gwyneth Paltrow is proud to be an American, because at least she knows shes free to act like a pretentious Hollywood assclown with a fake British accent.
• Yesterday George Clooney mourned the loss of his longtime pig companion, Danny DeVito.

• MUGSHOT: We’ve always looked up to actor Rip Torn as the craggly old drunk of a Grandpa we never really had… and this mugshot only cements our wishes. Look at what a hilarious time this ol’ alcoholic bastard is having! (TMZ.com)
• FUTURE BASKETBALL TEAM: Project Runway fans will be happy to learn that Laura Bennett gave birth to her FIFTH boy, Finn, Friday morning, joining brothers Peik, Truman, Pierson, Larson, and Oh, God, Are-These-Seriously, Their, Names? Yeesh. (People Magazine)
• BOTTICELLI GRAVE DESECRATION: Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton star in La Primavera, which is Italian for “ladies with-ah the blinding ah-vaginas.” (Gallery of the Absurd)
• HEADLINE FROM THE PAST: 5 years ago, I would’ve entitled the following article “Laaadies!!! Lance Bass Available for Naked Piggy Back Rides Again!” Today, I’m all: “Laaaadies!!! Lance Bass Has Time Now To Listen To Your Problems & Shop!” (Yahoo News)
• BIGGEST LET DOWN: Gutenberg the Musical is sooooo much less hilarious than you think. (EW Pop Watch)

• Paris Hilton has backed out of hosting the Billboard Music Awards on account of her unwillingness to makes jokes about her peers they might consider “hurtful or embarassing”. Besides, Paris’ peers prefer thier hurtfulness and embarassment to be self-inflicted.
• Britney Spears turned 25 on Saturday. She celebrated by hanging out with Paris Hilton and having a paparazzi pop out of her vagina, then take their picture.
• Kevin Federline is trying to put together a reality show about his life after Britney, tentatively entitled, “Please Continue To Pay Attention To Me - I Promise I’ll Do Lots More Dumb Sh*t For You To Laugh At”.
• Speaking of “moving on”, Kid Rock has replaced one bimbo with two.
• Oprah’s pal Gayle King suggested that they occasionally use the “N-word” in the privacy of each other’s company. Specifically, when they’re on Oprah’s plantation, and Gayle hasn’t done her daily chores, Oprah has been known to drop a few N-bombs.

Having already tackled Tom Cruise K-Fed, and Mel Gibson, this week the blog-reading writers of Law & Order turned their lack of imagination towards the Lonelygirl15 phenomenon by having Michelle Trachtenberg portray a young girl who appears in a series of mysterious - possibly dangerous! - viral videos. Who needs creativity when you can just xerox the latest pop culture news, change the names and faces, and call it “topical TV”? In an experiment to see how difficult this really must be, we’re going to take this week’s big stories from our blog, and try to spin them into compelling Law & Order episodes. Let us know what you think:

BWE.tv POST: Britney’s Vagina Awareness Campaign
L&O EPISODE: “Flash Photography”
PLOT SUMMARY: When a paparazzi is trampled to death while trying to get a close-up shot of a superstar’s genitals for the 8th consecutive night, the Detectives must determine weather a starlet’s vagina can be formally charged with involuntary manslaughter.

BWE.tv POST: Kid Rock & Pam Anderson Divorce
L&O EPISODE: “Rich White Trash”
PLOT SUMMARY: When the body of a has-been rap-rocker is found dead on a boat, surrounded by empty Budweiser cans and White Castle boxes, the Detectives must track down the person responsible - and all roads seem to lead back to two very suffocating breasts.

Read the rest of this entry »

• Eddie Murphy has signed on to reprise the role of Axel Foley for a fourth Beverly Hills Cop movie. Axel’s mission will be his most difficult one yet: revive Eddie’s career.
• Jay Leno is suing a book publisher for stealing his jokes. Apparently it was too hard for them to make their own untimely Monica Lewinsky jokes.
• According to In Touch magazine, 68% of readers approve of the Britney Spears - Paris Hilton friendship. The other 32% work in social services.
• Pete Doherty has been named the UK’s biggest anti-icon for consistently making headlines for all the wrong reasons. How bad is he? This is the best news he’s gotten all year.
• The ladies of The View are standing up for Danny DeVito, insisting that he’s a fun drunk, not an alcoholic. They made the distinction based on the fact he was able to go a full 20 minutes without being anti-Semetic or calling anybody “sugartits.”

Jason Alexander (not Costanza, but the trashball who was married to a pop star for a few hours) was sapping off of Britney Spears back when K-Fed was still doing the Roger Rabbit onstage as a 98 Degrees backup dancer. And now, during Britney’s time of post-marital vagina-exposing crisis, apropos of nothing, Mr. Alexander is bursting back onto the scene to offer his underinformed opinions on matters that have next to nothing to do with him, enlightening us with approximately zero things we didn’t already know:

On K-Fed’s custody battle:
“The custody thing is to up the amount he gets from her. There is no way that he will get it. It’s all about the money.”

On Britney’s potential bi curiosity:
“She found other girls attractive, yes, but we never did anything about it. Our relationship was about us. We just weren’t together long enough for that to come up really. That’s not to say that I don’t know anything about threesomes.”

On her plastic surgery:
“She had a tummy tuck after the birth of her second child”

K-Fed’s a money-grubbing douche, Brit might kinda maybe sorta be into chicks if she was drunk (though he’s not positive - but he DOES go out of his way to let us know that he’s had a threesome before, probably in Louisiana, probably with a couple skanks who were in some way impressed by his 15 milliseconds of fame), and famous people occasionally have mild plastic surgery. With startling revelations like these, Jason should really write a book. Oh, wait:

“It’s a about a small town guy and all the crazy events that happened. It focuses on all the stuff that no one knows…It does feature our sex life. It does feature having sex with her and what that was like.”

Of course.

“Britney! Britney, look! Camera! Quick, say something about Lindsay’s vagina, it’ll be hilarious!!!”

Your turn. Leave your captions in the comments now!

Surprise! K-Fed cheated on Britney!

According to an unnamed source, Kevin Federline was having an affair with ex-porn star Kendra Jade a month before Britney filed for divorce. Kendra, star of such hit films as Ass Clowns, Droppin’ Loads 2, and our personal favorite, I’m A Dirty Filthy C**ks**king C**t! is a 29-year-old woman from East Hampton, Massachusetts. She currently lives with “THE MOST AMAZING MAN ON THE PLANET” and has never been happier. Much like Mr. Federline, she doesn’t care if you don’t like her and she doesn’t want “to waste anymore precious time on haters.” But who does?

Kendra loves camping, paintball, tipping hot strippers, boxing, and enjoying a good fight after a bottle of jagermeister. She likes creative people, artistic people and prefers to surround herself with people who are “motivated and ambitious…and more importantly, people with values, morals and integrity.” She also finds boys with tattoos and piercings “hot as f**k.”

Want to know more? Just visit Kendra’s MySpace page. We like her. It’s good to see that Kevin’s moving up in the world. It’s about time he found himself a girl he could take home to mom.

Salutations, my dearest denizens of the World Wide Web. My name is Phyllis T. Weatherford and I happen to be the vagina that belongs to Miss Britney Spears. I am aware that many of you have likely noticed me here and there (and there and there and there) this past week, and thus thought it might be nice to formally introduce myself, and share with you my intentions for the future. We’re going to be seeing a lot of each other, you and I, so let me start off by saying that it is my utmost pleasure to make your acquaintance.

I am now emerging from what can only be described as a trying time in the relatively short life of this particular vagina, finally able to enjoy a few breaths of fresh air after two oppressive years of joyless sex, repeated impregnation, and painful child-bearing. You see, when Mr. Federline was “all up in” the life of my dear sweet Britney, my entire existence consisted of serving as a sperm receptacle for the occasional instances in which that hopeless imbecile was either a) attempting his latest financial-future-securing impregnation, or b) had gotten himself “so blazed on the icky sticky and Hen” that he demanded his wife “break him off a piece of dat ass”. As you might guess, neither of these scenarios were particularly pleasant for me.

So what now?

Read the rest of this entry »

Let’s take a quick look at who is faring better in these post-divorce days!

PHYSICALLY: The above comparison should say it all. K-Fed has tossed his cornrows to the wind, slapped on some cufflinks, and affixed the lucky diamond earring Brit no doubt bought him for Valentine’s Day. His Esquire duds work for him. Britney Spears, sadly, isn’t one of those girls who looks trashily hot when coked out of her brains. It’s more of a beaten hooker vibe. (Paris’ manhands really leave a mark.) At least she’s shaving! WINNER: K-Fed.

ROMANTICALLY: Britney’s latest squeeze is the ostrichian Paris Hilton. We won’t even get into details because you probably already know too much about their budding relationship. K-Fed isn’t crying though, as he’s scored his own eff-buddy in former porn star Kendra Jade. This one really comes down to which squeeze has less venereal diseases… aaand we’re guessing porn star. WINNER: K-Fed.

FINANCIALLY: Britney came out of the divorce with a water-tight pre-nup and top crotch lawyers. K-Fed can always stretch his last remaining diamond baubles to last at least a few more months. Still, this one’s easy. WINNER: Screwge McF**k, i.e. Britney.

Keep reading for more highly astute in-depth analysis.

Read the rest of this entry »

You’ve got to hand it to the talent coordinators at the Billboard Music Awards — they might be secret geniuses. Because next week’s normally unwatchable Billboard Awards will switch gears into Can’t Miss Television, when the newly-cemented “Gyno-Flash Posse” Paris Hilton and Britney Spears will don their crotchiest dresses and co-host the show together in Las Vegas, People Magazine revealed yesterday. Watching these two try to make their way through over 200 scrolling teleprompter words over the course of 3 hours sounded like re-re bliss to us. The clouds parted, God stepped out of a car with a short dress on, and sunbeams shot down to earth from his nethers.

But, of course, when something seems too good to be true… you know the rest. Because today, US Magazine reports that Britney Spears will not, in fact, co-host with Paris. Cut to God yanking his skirt over his knees and wonky-eyed frogs raining down from the skies. Paris Hilton hosting alone is about as fun as a 20-Please, Britney, deliver us a Christmas miracle and get your drunk ass on stage stat!

Post-Federline, we the American public have been forced to accept several different versions of Miss Britney Spears. In the few weeks since her split the woman has re-invented herself more times than Madonna. From the cleaned-up mother of two to the cootch-flashing party girl to the intellectual bookworm, Britney is keeping us on our toes. In fact, we have no idea what to expect next. Tomorrow the paparazzi could snap a pic of Britney dressed like a nun, fighting ninjas or even wearing blackface and we wouldn’t blink. Well… maybe we’d blink a little.

The point is, we’re tired of being f’d around with. Britney… please… pick one. Be classy, be a whore or be… well, whatever it is you are when you wear glasses and a stupid hat. Just be yourself, okay? We’ll love you no matter what (but especially if you choose “whore.”)

• Britney Spears and Paris Hilton were inseparable over the Thanksgiving weekend, hitting the clubs together every night and shopping with Britney’s kids during the day. It’s all part of Britney’s plan to win custody of her kids… for Kevin.
• Kid Rock was so enraged about his soon to be ex-wife Pamela Anderson’s involvement in the Borat movie he yelled, “You’re nothing but a whore! You’re a slut! How could you do that in a movie?” He didn’t know how to deal with his woman wearing clothes and not blowing any drummers on film.
• The Reverend Jesse Jackson is calling for everybody to boycott the Seinfeld season 7 DVD as a way to punish Michael Richards. And as a way to protect people who have forgetten how bad the seventh season was.
• Jennifer Love Hewitt has sparked rumors that she’s pregnant after posing for photographers in what appeared to be a maternity dress. It’s a logical assumption when you consider Love hasn’t been photographed in anything other than bikini’s and tube tops for the past 12 years.
• Producer Jordan Kerner has bought the rights to put together a Smurfs movie trilogy. Fans of the show are already worried that it’s going to smurf big time.

Alright people, it’s time to come to grips with something: we’re going to have to start getting used to Britney Spears partying and hanging out with people like Paris Hilton. We have no choice. Britney is clearly on a rampage, but believe it or not it’s all part of a masterplan. It’s Britney’s 5-step-guide to recovering from her Fedivorce. See:

1. Clean up, look good, win back America’s sympathy.
2. Have lawyers announce pre-nup is “ironclad.” Humiliate Kevin.
3. Remove Kevin from Top 8 on MySpace.
4. Crotch shot. America loves crotch shots.
5. Start hanging out with whorebag Paris Hilton. Wear revealing clothes. Lose America’s sympathy, position self to rebound with a guy so sleazy he makes Kevin look clean by comparison.

Clearly, we’re at 5 now. I wonder who the rebound guy is gonna be. Nick Carter? Fred Durst? Aaron Carter? The possibilities are endless.

• ALREADY OUTDATED LIST: Film Threat named the 50 Coldest People in Hollywood. Make it 51. (A Socialite’s Life)
• LONG OVERDUE NEWS: Pete Doherty, arrested for possession. God, it feels so good typing that again. It’s been too long. (Celebitchy)
• IT HAD TO BE ADDRESSED: Who has the bigger mouth, Steven Tyler or Mick Jagger? It’s about time somebody tackles the big issues. (Cityrag)
• LETS GO METS: So Julian Casablancas of The Strokes roots for the Mets and thinks Yankees fans are “dicks”? Nobody’s perfect. (Deadspin)
• SPANK YOU VERY MUCH: Britney Spears wants to give away her sex tape so K-Fed doesn’t make any money off it. Um… thank you? (Spank Cheeks)

Britney Britney Britney. What are you doing? What the hell do you think you’re doing?

Two weeks ago we were eating out of the palm of your hand (note: it kind of tasted like Cheetos.) When you dropped by Letterman we thought “damn, she’s looking good!” When you kicked that waste of space K-Fed to the curb we said “damn, she’s doing good!” And when you stuck it to him with an ironclad pre-nup we yelled “Damn! You go girl!” in the sassiest voice we ‘re capable of using. You had us Britney, you had us. And now you’ve lost us.

What the hell are you doing with Paris Hilton? Seriously Britney, what the hell? You realize she’s just a female Federline, don’t you? She’s talentless. She’s annoying. She’s a bad influence. If you stick around her, not only are we going to think less of you, but she’s also destined to ruin your life in one way or another. She’ll either give you an eating disorder, make you hang out with Brandon Davis or possibly even co-star in a homemade sex tape with you.

Actually… wait a second. We it all back. You two kids have fun.

For more pics of Paris & The Simple Wife ™, click here.

The Onion is one of the more credible news sources that’s covered the Britney Spears/ K-Fed split since it was announced last week. They’re so thorough, they even made a list of all the reasons the couple decided to part ways. Here are a few of them:

• Passionate fire flickered out during burping contest
• Stud contract required Federline be returned to breeder after second successful siring
• Decision made by write-in vote for Kids’ Choice Awards

Read the rest of the list here. Then, when you’re done, check out the hilarious ‘C-List Celebrity Killer’ Leaves Police Enthusiastically Guessing Who’s Next. I smell a new Celebreality show!

• BAD DAY: Perez Hilton gets served, denied, then is forced to listen to that Daniel Powter song on repeat for a few hours. (Gawker)
• LESS DIRTY DOZEN: Britney removed the message urging fans to buy Kevin’s new album from her MySpace page. And she took him off her Top 12. There’s no coming back from that. (Faded Youth)
• ADAM SANDLER HOMAGE: Michael Scott & Dwight Schrute make “The Hanukkah Song” their very own on The Office. (Gorillamask)
• STAR SWAPS: If you needed another reason to dislike James Blunt, just take a look at this– he bears a striking resemblance to a certain Scientologist. Oh, and he’s absolutely terrible.(Cityrag)
• RUSSIAN ROULETTE: Even if you make it out of a relationship with Lindsay Lohan STD-free, you still shouldn’t press your luck by hooking up with Paris. (IDLYITW)