Memorable Quotes from
Team America: World Police (2004)
Gary Johnston:
We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes. Assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck a asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate. And it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves. Because pussies are a inch and half away from assholes. I don't know much about this crazy crazy world, but I do know this. If you don't let us fuck this asshole we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit.
Spottswoode:
Remember, there is no "I" in "Team America".
Intelligence:
[pause] Yes there is.
Joe:
Cairo... that's in Egypt.
Kim Jong Il:
[after Hans Blix has been fed to sharks] Inspect that, you butt-fucking mother-fucker! Fuck you, Hans Bwix, you cock fuck!
Gary Johnston:
A flying limo? Now I've seen everything.
Spottswoode:
Have you ever seen a man eat his own head?
Gary Johnston:
What? No!
Spottswoode:
So you *haven't* seen everything.
Chris:
I was raped by Mister Mephisophiles.
Kim Jong Il:
I'm so Ronery / So ronery / So ronery and sadry arone / There's no one / Just me onry / Sitting on my rittle throne / I work very hard to be number one guy / but, stiwr there's no one to right up my rife / Seems rike no one takes me serirousry / And so, I'm ronery / A rittle ronery / Poor rittle me / There's no one I can rerate to / Feewr rike a biwd in a cage / It's kinda siwry / but, not reawry / because, it's fiwring my body with rage / I'm the smartest, most crever, most physicawry fit / but, none of the women seem to give a shit / Maybe someday, they'wr awr notice me / And untiwr then, I'wr be ronery / Yeah, a rittle ronery / Poor rittle me...
Samuel L. Jackson:
Motha Fucka!
Chris:
I'll drill two holes in your dick so that when you take a piss, it goes in all different directions!
Guy in Bar:
See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!
Spottswoode:
Gary is the kind of man that understands, when you put another man's cock in your mouth, you make a pact.
Tim Robbins:
Let me tell you how all this works: you see, Team America is funded by the corporations, so they fight for the corporations... while they sit in their corporation buildings... and they're all corporation-y... and they make lots of money!
Kim Jong Il:
Now you see, the new world is inebitable.
Sarah:
It's what?
Kim Jong Il:
Inebita- Inebitable.
Sarah:
One more time?
Kim Jong Il:
Inebitable! Things are inebitably going to change! God dammit, open your fuckin' ears...
Kim Jong Il:
It will be 911 times 2356.
Chris:
My god, that's... I don't even know what that is!
Kim Jong Il:
Nobody does!
[repeated line]
Lisa:
Sometimes belief is all we have
[repeated line]
Lisa:
Sometimes... Believing is all we have.
song:
["End of an Act"] I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark, When he made Pearl Harbor. / I miss you more then that movie missed the point, And that's an awful lot girl. / And now, now you've gone away, And all I'm trying to say, Is Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you. / I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school, He was terrible in that film. / I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part, He's way better then Ben Affleck. / And now all I can think about is your smile, and that shitty movie too, Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you. / Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies? / I guess Pearl Harbor sucked, Just a little bit more then I miss you.
Kim Jong Il:
And now da destwuction of de worurd is inedidable
Lisa:
It's what?
Kim Jong Il:
Ine - ine - inedidable.
Lisa:
One more time...
Kim Jong Il:
I said, da destwuction of da worud is inedible. God damn, open your fucking eaws, girw!
Gary Johnston:
Your talents are fading with age, Mrs. Sarandon.
Susan Sarandon:
You will die a peasant's death!
Gary Johnston:
[Gary sees the limo] Oh I get it. I'm supposed to get in your car and let you put your finger inside me. Then if I go down on you I get a movie part.
Spottswoode:
Uh no... I just want to show you something.
Gary Johnston:
Yeah I bet you do.
Spottswoode:
Look Gary, I'm not from Hollywood, I'm not here to fuck your mouth, and my time is extremely valuable!
[Gary gets in the limo]
Spottswoode:
If the terrorists get ahold of those WMD's, it will be 9-11 times 100.
Chris:
That's...
Spottswoode:
...yes, 91,100.
Kim Jong Il:
When I rule the world, it won't be nine-ereven times a hundred, it will be nine ereven times 3,765!
Chris:
That's... I don't even know what that is!
Kim Jong Il:
Nobody does.
Gary Johnston:
I had to come back. C'mon team, let's go!
Joe:
Wait a second, can we really trust you?
Chris:
Yeah, why the fuck should we trust you, you douchebag?
Kim Jong Il:
Hans Bwix? Oh no!... Oh hewwo Hans, gweat to see you again!
Hans Blix:
Mr. Il, I was supposed to be allowed to inspect your palace, but your guards won't let me into certain areas.
Kim Jong Il:
Hans Hans Hans, we've been thwew this a dozen times. I don't have any weapons mass destwuction, okay Hans?
Hans Blix:
Then let me look around, so I can ease the UN's collective mind. I'm sorry, but the UN must be firm with you. Let me in, or else.
Kim Jong Il:
O else what?
Hans Blix:
Or else we will be very angry with you, and we will write you a letter, *telling* you how angry we are.
Kim Jong Il:
...Okay Hans, I'wl show you. Stand to youw weft.
Hans Blix:
...
Kim Jong Il:
A wittle mowa...
Hans Blix:
...
Kim Jong Il:
Good...
Kim Jong Il:
You're break'n my bawls Hans! You're break'n my bawls!
Spottswoode:
That was bad I.N.T.E.L.L.E.G.N.C.E, very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E
Gary Johnston:
HOLY SHIT! What happened to the base?
Intelligence:
It was destroyed by a socialist weasel.
Kim Jong Il:
You're breaking my balls here Hans, you're breaking my balls!
Joe:
It looks like one of the terrorists is saying something.
Gary Johnston:
[Waving the distress signal towards Joe and Chris] It's me! It's me!
Chris:
What's he saying?
Joe:
I think he's saying, 'Kiss me! Kiss me!'
Chris:
SMART-ASS MOTHERFUCKER!
Kim Jong Il:
[gibberish]
Translator:
My lord said that if you did not understand what he said, then his translator translated it wrong, and that he should... fire his translator?
[Kim Jong Il shoots the Translator in the head]
Chris:
Surprise Cockfags!
Kim Jong Il:
[to terrorists on a giant monitor] Who's wesponsable fo bwoing up Panama?
Terrorist:
We were upset about Cairo.
Kim Jong Il:
[Angry and flailing arms] You were supposed to wait fo da fucking signal! You can't just set off de W.M.D.'s as you pwease! You'wr awl fucking up my bwiwiant pwans!
[Shuts off monitor, and cools down]
Kim Jong Il:
Why does evewybody have to be such fucking mowons!
Gary Johnston:
I was just a boy when the infidels came in their black hawk helicopters. The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes of Allah. Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched. I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed by the firey black liquid death. In the midst of the chaos I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help. As quickly as they had come the infidels were gone. It was on that day I put a jihad on them. And if you don't believe it you better kill me now cause I'll put a jihad on you.
Gary Johnston:
Derka derka derka, Muhammad Jihad.
Terrorist:
Ohhh! Derka derka derka!
[Allows Gary into Terrorist hideout]
Joe:
Shit! I've got five terrorists going southeast on Bakalakadaka Street!
Lisa:
Hey, terrorist! Terrorize this!
Chris:
If there's a world when this is all over, I'd love to buy you a beer sometime.
Sarah:
INTELLIGENCE is down! Repeat, we have lost our INTELLIGENCE!
Chris:
What does Spottswoode see in him?
Lisa:
I don't know. But I think I see it too.
Sean Penn:
Last year I went to Iraq. Before Team America showed up it was a happy place. They had flowering meadows and rainbow skies and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.
Chris:
If you betray us, I'll rip your fucken balls off and stuff them up your ass. So the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls.
Spottswoode:
Now hold on team, Gary has already proven to me that he is 100% committed to the team. He proved it last night by sucking my cock.
Joe:
Uh... Alright then. Let's move.
Spottswoode:
Have you ever seen a man eat his own head?
Lisa:
Gary, you can't blame yourself for what gorillas did.
Gary Johnston:
But, I thought you weren't gay?
Spottswoode:
This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust!
Joe:
You remember the signal?
Gary Johnston:
[waves arms like crazy]
Terrorist:
You have balls. I like balls.
Gary Johnston:
Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to let you put your finger in me then I suck your cock and get a movie role!
Lisa:
I'm so confused!
Lisa:
It's too early for me to be having feelings for you.
Gary Johnston:
Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them.
Lisa:
Promise me you'll never die.
Gary Johnston:
You know I can't promise that.
Lisa:
Promise me you'll never die and I'll make love to you right now.
Gary Johnston:
I promise I'll never die.
Gary Johnston:
Jesus, this is a nice limo.
Spottswoode:
Yes, it is. Now suck my cock! Just kidding.
[repeated line]
Matt Damon:
MATT DAMON!
Voice over:
America, fuck yeah!
song:
[Song] America, fuck yeah! Comin' again to save the motherfucking day, yeah! / America, fuck yeah! Freedom is the only way, yeah! / Terrorists, your game is through, 'cause now you have to answer to / America, fuck yeah! So lick my butt and suck on my balls! / America, fuck yeah! What you gonna do when we come for you now!
Lisa:
[to Gary] You had me at "dicks fuck assholes".
Chris:
I hate to break this little reunion, but there are still a lot of bad guys out there.
Gary Johnston:
Then let's show them that the police are back in force.
Lisa:
Fuck yeah.
Gary Johnston:
Fuck yeah.
[kisses Lisa]
Kim Jong Il:
Why is evawyrone so fuhcking stoopeed?
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