Customer Reviews

Noah [DVD]

Darren Aronofsky directed Pi, Requiem for a Dream and Black Swan. These are really good, unique, imaginative, unsettling films and I don’t recall the audience sniggering during them. They feature extraordinary performances, notably from women of a certain type: small, bird-like creatures with dark eyes who are strung with piano wire: Natalie Portman and Jennifer Connelly being fine examples.

Aronofsky has made a new film: Noah. It is a Biblical epic. He has struck the tone a long way towards the Peter Jackson end of a spectrum which didn’t exist before Peter Jackson invented it. He has taken large liberties with some aspects of the Genesis story, inventing rock-encrusted fallen angels and a Kingdom of brutish descendants of Cain, but he has kept faithful to others a modern fellow might have jettisoned: how much more fascinating an examination of the human and divine it might have been were some of those who perished noble and good. The general view is that this is some kind of environmentalist parable. It’s a poor parable that chooses for its standard-bearer a glum misanthropic monomaniac.

Connelly (for whom many men my age have a soft spot, having fallen in love at first sight of her in Labyrinth when we were twelve) has signed up, so too have the redoubtable Anthony Hopkins, Hermione Grainger (another moody, compact and tensely-strung brunette of Aronofsky’s type) and, well, Ray Winstone. They’ve all agreed to stand behind Russell Crowe, a man who has demonstrated great charisma and masculinity throughout a long Hollywood career, but never much of an inclination to act. Then again, given the films he’s chosen to appear in, he’s rarely needed one. And nor does he here.

Things proceed disappointingly. The first spot of rain takes an hour and a quarter to fall. The birds and beasts arrive with a great digital flourish, but are swiftly sedated and play no further part in the film. Connelly (who has form for playing Russell Crowe’s wife) is obliged to over-emote at every turn. She looks haggard and careworn, possibly from the effort. Hermione also emotes wilfully. Crowe mumbles portentously into his beard and stumps grumpily around the ark believing, upon scant grounds, that doing God’s will involves ensuring the annihilation of his own family. I don’t remember that from Sunday School. Villainous Ray Winstone is, oddly the one left to advance the point that Noah’s is not an especially constructive outlook. The only one listening is Ham.

We are left with a kitchen sink melodrama wherein Noah contemplates the almighty, Hermione wants to keep her baby, Shem and Japeth keep up the numbers (for all the effect that have they may as well have been sedated with the giraffes) and Ham simpers about wishing there was a chick left on God’s wet earth he wasn’t related to. Ray Winstone lasts longer than the Bible mentions, perhaps so someone is around to present a humanist perspective but we all know what must happen in the end. It’s not especially edifying: on the Biblical view, there must have been quite a few unspeakable acts for any of his descendants to have made it as far as the theatre to hear the lessons of this primordial eco-warrior.

Olly Buxton

Noah, a man living in ancient times starts getting visions about the end of the world and builds an ark to protect him and his family and all the animals but an evil warlord wants the ark for himself to save himself and is determined to take it no matter the cost. This isn't your nice, safe cozy children's story taken from the bible. Director Darren Aronofsky has made a visually stunning fantasy epic so if you are expecting a nice the animals came in 2 by 2 film then this will dissapoint. Excellent performances from Russell Crowe as Noah with Jennifer Connolly as his wife, Emma Watson as his adopted daughter, Anthony Hopkins as his grandfather and Ray Winstone as the warlord. Devout christians may be offended by this film but enjoy for what it is and it is a terrific blockbuster with terrific effects.

THIS IS A MOVIE REVIEW ONLY.

Noah.
Running time 138 minutes approx.
Rated 12a.

Trivia.
1)Christian Bale & Michael Fassbender were offered the part of Noah & wisely declined.
2)The characters refer to God as the Creator in this film.
3)Julianne Moore was offered the role of Maameh but declined.
4)Logan Lerman play's the main title character in the two Percy Jackson movie's.

Synopsis.
A man called Noah is chosen by the Creator to undertake a momentous mission to save the innocent by building an Ark before an apocalyptic flood cleanses away the wickedness from the world.

Timelord Thoughts.
I seen the trailer for this film & thought this could be a biblical epic, Great acting talent in Russell Crowe, Anthony Hopkins, Ray Winstone & Jennifer Connelly in a rather impressive looking trailer surely this couldn't go wrong could it?

Yes it could, This is one nomination for the Golden Raspberry Awards!

This retelling of the Noah story is one of the worst films I've ever seen & with unimpressive CGI overload & bland static performances from the cast this,film is utter nonsense were not much happens & becomes one overlong borefest.

Russell Crowe gives a below par performance as Noah & one wonders what happened to the great actor that gave us the outstanding Gladiator movie because that actor didn't turn up in this film.

Anthony Hopkins gives another phoned in performance & what is quite shocking is how a actor with such acting talent perform so badly in this movie is a complete mystery.

Jennifer Connelly tries a little harder but isn't given a well written part as Maameh & poor Emma Watson goes from Harry Potter to this awful nonsense is a huge blot in this promising actresses C.V.

Finally Ray Winstone who is the best out of a bad bunch when he's on screen & at least his performance stopped me from nodding off & walking out.

The special effects are dire & one wonders were the budget went on this movie because there isn't much spectacle seen actually on-screen apart from a average Rock Monster sequence who strangely appear when people are trying to board the Ark to stop them & crush them to death?

Another confusing plot point is just how does Ray Winstone's character Tubal-cain survive 9 months on an Ark go unnoticed as this film gets more unbelievable the longer it goes on.

138 minutes is this movie's running time yet it felt twice as long as that & I knew this film was going to be poor within 10 minutes of viewing & then we have Noah who supposedly saved mankind through God's hands in a very brief flood scene has Noah seemingly lose his mind wanting to kill his Grandaughters?

So is the message of the movie here saying God turned Noah crazy is this referencing mankind is crazy because that's how I felt this film portrayed the character & us as human beings?

I'm not religious in any way but I respect many people have there own faiths & beliefs which I respect but I found this film incoherent & quite offensive & Crowe, Connelly, Hopkins, Watson, Winstone should bow there head's in shame at agreeing to star in this awful slow incoherent overlong CGI movie, So save your money & avoid this film at all costs.

Forget what you think you know about Noah. In this Middle Earth saga the watchers are huge rock creatures that look like they belong in Star Wars. This is a rather bizarre interpretation of Genesis 6:1-5, and was my first WTF moment. The Watchers actually had relations with humans and created a race of giants who apparently ruled over man...not in this film.

Russell Crowe portrays Noah as a dark, bitter, dysfunctional, unlikeable person who obeys God through his dreams. (God doesn't even make a cameo.) The women, whose names aren't mentioned in the Bible are given expanded and important roles. All the time on the ark is spent on personal drama. No tending of the animals that are all living together in the hull of the ship.

Another problem is that Tubal-Cain kills Noah's father Lamech, not to be confused with Tubal-Cain's father Lamech while Noah was a child.The Bible claims Lamech was born in the 182nd year of Methuselah and lived 777 years. This means he died 10 years before the flood. Noah was over 600 years old at the time of the flood. Do the math.

There were a number of surprises, some I won't mention as I wouldn't want to "spoil" a millennia tale. That said, at the end, a son leaves the group before them all having children when clearly the families stayed together for a number of years and raised children until the Canaan/Noah incident which is not mentioned.

Poor Emma Watson and Jennifer Connelly acted their hearts out, reminding me of Sean Astin who gave a wonder performance in "Cabin Fever 3." Nothing like casting pearls before swine.

From a biblical prospective, the film was a disaster and not inspirational. As an action adventure story, the rock creatures made me feel like I was watching Indian Jones with aliens. And I suppose people who liked the ending of that film might be attracted to this one.

Oh yea, this thing was way too long. It had scenes which dragged on. It needed an editor.

This is razzy material. A film you can watch and make fun of MST style.

Worthy of a Redbox rental at best.

Possibly the most depressing movie I have seen in a long while. I can't remember rock monsters building the ark, as hard as I might try to. The combined talents of Russel Crowe, Ray Winstone and Emily Watson just could not save this abysmal tosh. It was unintentionally hilarious and will haunt their careers for years to come.

It's one saving grace is illustrating the lengths to which the delusional are prepared to go in order to placate their sadistic gods. I suspect that was one of the director's intentions.

I'd rather scratch my eyeballs with a wire brush than sit through this movie again.

I would hate to think that prospective buyers would be influenced by the reviews given so far . I saw this film last Saturday, yes there were elements that owed more to Hollywood than the Bible but I enjoyed it or perhaps I should say it held my interest all the way through and it does give food for thought in it's message I am well educated. and literate and suggest you judge for yourselves

Noah has to be one of the most boring films ever made…ever. Watching this mess of a film I could not think how anyone would make a film like this let alone spend a reported 125 million US dollars making it. At over 138 minutes long this film feels like it’s well over 4 hours as the plot drags along. If you want to know the plot it’s about the way we (humankind) treat the environment…The End. There I saved you from watching this boring film.

Anyway, considering the age of this story I’m guessing that Hollywood would have made a story based on the Ark but also using the modern theme of the environment as a plot device and I would be right. Hollywood made this exact same film with the exact same theme back in 2007. It was called Evan Almighty and was probably one of the worst sequels ever made especially considering they spend 175 million dollars making it; yes 175 million dollars (not including marketing). But if you want a movie about the environment then get Evan Almighty as it is at least better than Noah.

Finally this movie also reminds me of another dreadful film about the environment… the 2008 remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still. And trust me I would gladly sit through both Evan Almighty and The Day The Earth Stood Still rather than watch Noah again.

I would like to say that I liked something about this film but that would be a lie. Everything about this film is awful from the post-apocalyptic scenery that looks like Terminator: Salvation to the boring plot that drags along for over two hours. Noah is really one of the worst films you will ever see with no drama, action or thrills at all.

My advice is to avoid this film or get Evan Almighty instead as it basically has the same plot but with Morgan Freeman and Steve Carell instead of a gloomy Russell Crowe and lasts only 96 minutes.

This has to be the “Worst” adaptation of Noah’s Ark I have ever seen, it starts by making the demon forces to be rock people who came to earth to help people so the creator made them into rock people. Second it make the earth baron and dry, even though the Bible tells us that a mist came down every night to water the earth. It make Noah out to be a murderer. It is so Biblically incorrect that its hardly recognisable as to what it is supposed to be. Even the bad king ruler of the bad people of the earth got on board and sailed with the ark.

One of the worst movies I ve ever seen. You have to give at least one star for this, but it really deserves minus 10 . How could such good actors become involved in this travesty? If it s only for money, they should hang their heads in shame.

Aronofsky has created an ambitious, original and completely brilliant blockbuster.

Many have clearly complained about the films inaccuracies, but, although I respect your opinion. What did you expect? For Noah to walk hand in hand with the animals, while a rainbow beams across the sky, with the song 'The animals went in by two by two'.

It would have been awful.

This is an interpretation of the material, that is arguably accessible to people of any religion. There is no reference to 'God' in the film, but only the 'Creator'. The film is treated as a fairytale, which is a much smarter move.

The film makes bold moves that will probably go down badly with some strong Christians, as showing with a lot of reactions. Have a look at the IMDb rating, and then the IMDb ratings- there is a running theme between negative reviews, and religion.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this adaptation. Although it slows down in the second act, and drags a little too much in places. I found the first hour and a half, a perfect 'Noah' film, with completely bonkers ideas thrown in, that I also loved.

The second act is more character based, and although it is an interesting study, it probably could have lost a few minutes in places.

However, I really loved the imagination and risks taken with this film.