The ethics of decluttering other people's things

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A few years ago, it was my privilege to help clean out my grandmother's house and help make it ready for sale. Nana was no longer living there -- she was in an assisted living facility -- and was in no condition to have much say on what she did or didn't want to keep.

The fates of some of the items were easy to decide: an enema bottle from the 1950s? Toss. A ball made of rubber bands that had fossilized? Toss. The love letters my grandfather wrote? Keep. Her set of colored Pyrex mixing bowls from the 1950s? They're in my cabinet now.

But there was a huge pile of stuff we ended up debating -- arguing the intentions Nana had when she bought it, why she may have kept it, what she would have wanted done with it, whether anyone would want it now. Trying to act honorably toward another person when their intentions are unknown is tough.

Then again, trying to act right when you're decluttering the household you share with someone can be trying. We all have things we're loath to let go of -- and as Murphy's Law would have it, those are usually the things our partners/relatives/roommates are eager to toss. (And vice versa.) I will confess that I keep a running list of things I want out of our house, but cannot pitch because my husband would pitch a fit. (I keep this list only in my head.) For the sake of marital peace, I sit on my hands.

And now that we've got a child, the decluttering issue has just become even more ethically fraught. She has lots of presents from lots of well-meaning people. Some of these things, we will never get a chance to use (like the Christmas present of a summer outfit in a size she will have outgrown by summer, i.e. next September). Some of these things -- while given with love and received with gratitude -- are just not things we want to have in the house.

The one thing stopping me from pitching them: they're not really my things. They're my daughter's. She is an infant so that certainly entitles me to act on her behalf when it comes to organizing her stuff. But at the end of the day, I feel a certain responsibility both to her and to the generous people who want to give her gifts -- it's on me to make sure everyone's intentions are honored.

I searched for tips on how to balance the need to declutter against the need for a healthy and functional family life. I found some decent blog entries on how to get your family to implement decluttering strategies, but that presumes you've a) got buy-in from everyone in the family on the need to get things out of the house and b) got no compunction about tossing the kids' stuff, come hell or high water.

How have you resolved any ethical dilemmas about decluttering your loved ones' stuff? Are the rules different for children than for adults? What about the departed? Share your stories and opinions at dollarsandsense@sfgate.com.

Posted By: Lisa Schmeiser (Email) | January 05 2011 at 09:29 AM

Listed Under: Wallet-friendly habits