The greatest movie you'll never see

Hey, I have an idea! Instead of a movie about, say, a wretched middle-aged letch who poses on Facebook as a hunky teen stud so as to befriend, seduce and subsequently ruin the life of a pretty 14-year-old white girl from the suburbs, one whose parents just so happen to be Clive Owen and Catherine Keener who both appear to be ridiculously panicky and distressed throughout much of the movie ...

How about we make a movie about, say, the countless ignitions and romances, love notes and marriages, wedding photos and baby pictures, evolutions and even revolutions currently flooding all over those same networks like sticky fire in the veins of our jaded and bitter god?

Or hell, go ahead, make one about a creepy and possibly illegal hookup, but let's dare to suggest that it doesn't actually end up traumatizing everyone involved and instead is just one of those obnoxious things that happens in life, and we groan and get over it and move the hell on? Is that too much to ask?

Hey, I have an idea! Instead of one more military apocalypse porn fantasia about enormous, screamingly mechanized super-aliens who invade Earth to colonize/impregnate/beat the living crap out of us for no valid reason whatsoever, but oh my goodness they somehow just can't seem to annihilate our tiny, ludicrous speck of a planet with their insanely advanced superhuman weaponry because our astonishing ingenuity and unquenchable love of life finally proved just too much for them ...

How about a movie where the aliens wipe out our petulant species in, say, 10 minutes flat, re-colonize Earth and make it green and fiery and interesting again? Or one where said aliens aren't disgusting metasoldiers with nine eyes and fish guts for faces and they, instead of war and doom, deliver us such massive doses of radiant wisdom our overwhelmed collective soul simply explodes into a fine powdery tobacco to be smoked by a million laughing deities shaped like trees? I have a screenplay underway.

Here's an idea. How about a sublime indie movie where the characters don't speak in forlorn small-town grunts infused by half-poetic nonsense that's supposed to tell us something about hope and lost dreams that've been slowly smothered by the unchecked bleakness of small-town life ...

How about an indie movie where some of the characters actually care about grooming, talk about national politics and investigate the nature of God and existence using dirty sex and travel and books, all of it awash in awe and science and lots of meditation deep in the fertile woods where absolutely zero ax murderers and hairy rapists lurk like ridiculous cartoon nightmare trolls?

Or hey! What if God is depicted not a crusty old black man/childish voice in a suburban dad's head, and He doesn't decide on a drunken celestial bar bet -- because of course God is nothing if not reducible to frat-boy inanity -- to impart all His supreme powers to a single idiotic male with the intention of teaching him a grand lesson about Love and Life he will discover through assorted insulting relationships and boob jokes written by 10-year-old boys on coke?

How about if said god-infused human instead decides to, oh I don't know, reinvent the cosmos on a single exhale, flip the transcendental channel, put the dolphins back in charge and sends puny warmongering humanity to the subconscious catacombs as we all cartwheel like ecstatic clouds into the ether? Can anyone film that?

Is any of it possible? Can we remake our familiar, increasingly offensive myths into something maybe a bit more luminous and true? Maybe a screenplay where the superhero is not transformed from an innocent bystander into a thick-necked frat boy multibillionaire with a fetish for rubber, hammers and nonstop ultra violence? Captain America! He once was a skinny sweet loser and now, zap bang wow, look! He's a glossy dumb-as-rocks slab of muscle-bound kill-'em-all Republican wet dream war machine! All vengeance! Neat!