: Will Durst : City Brights

worst of durst

The NRA is right: Guns don't kill people. The problem is those darn bullets that put in the holes that the blood leaks of out way too quick.

Posted By: Will Durst (Email) | Jan 18 at 05:20 PM

worst of durst

I think one thing we've learned from all of this is that Sarah Palin really really needs a Jewish speechwriter.

Posted By: Will Durst (Email) | Jan 13 at 04:45 PM

WILL DURST'S PREDICTIONS FOR 2011

Yes, we did. Survived 2010. 365 tumultuous days of what my good friend Elizabeth (Betty) Windsor, is wont to call an annus horribilis. And our reward for enduring that annoying annum is this clean slate of a new year where potentially anything can happen. A position we find ourselves now; looking flush front blunt at an empty unscrawled calendar embodying hope and optimism and aspiration and promise. So now is the time for all good men to sweep away the debris of yesterday and build on the solid foundation of tomorrow. This sentiment guaranteed to last at least a week before we screw it up and all hell breaks loose. And with that thought in mind, here is: WILL DURST'S PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR 2011.

Incoming Speaker of the House John Boehner opens his first joint session of Congress with "Alright, who wants a piece of me?"

North Korean President Kim Jong Il keeps lobbing bombs into South Korea until someone on his team develops a formula to spin turkey pot pies out of grass.

Sarah Palin tapes a second season of her reality show and accidentally shoots a Mama Grizzly from a helicopter.

The women on The View walk out during an appearance by Keith Olbermann, just to balance the books.

Former BP CEO Tony Hayward gets his life back and is not that crazy about it.

Lady Gaga wears a tinfoil dress to an NBA Playoff Game and spontaneously combusts during the pre- game laser show.

Oprah buys Rhode Island and turns it into a gay theme park.

Governor Jerry Brown promises to focus less on the vast spaceship that is Earth and more on the long- term parking shuttle that is California.

The Airline Industry attempts to rid the skies of the most dangerous security threat known to man: passengers.

The 112th Congress resolves not to fall prey to the same mistakes the 111th Congress made by actually accomplishing anything.

Pope Benedict XVI undergoes Lasik surgery to repair the Catholic Church's hindsight.

The state of South Dakota sells Mount Rushmore to Fox News who recarves the monument to resemble Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Mike Huckabee and Bill O'Reilly. Brit Hume and Chris Wallace leave the network in a huff. Carl Cameron chuckles.

Jimmy McMillan disbands "The Rent is Too Damn High" Party after subletting a rent stabilized co- op in TriBeCa.

Julian Assange demonstrates his total commitment to a "no secrets" philosophy by leaking the damning testimony that leads to his own conviction.

Steve Jobs introduces the iPud for male Baby Boomer retirees.

Nancy Pelosi does not rest until she earns a colorful nickname like "Slappy."

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell does not rest until the hole in the back of his neck is enlarged to accommodate Grover Norquist's hand.

Officials at the Tour de France throw up their arms and invite cyclists to take whatever performance enhancing drugs they want.

New York Senator Chuck Schumer becomes the go- to guy in the Democratic Caucus after it is discovered Harry Reid died years ago.

May your 2011 be twice as good as 2010 and only half as wonderfully exciting as 2012.

San Francisco based political comedian, Will Durst, writes sometimes: this being a fundamentally curious example.

Posted By: Will Durst (Email) | Jan 01 at 12:18 PM

worst of durst

President Obama has twice delayed his Hawaiian vacation return. Knowing what he's coming back to, we might expect three or four more delays. Ten?

Posted By: Will Durst (Email) | Dec 30 at 04:16 PM

WILL DURST'S 2010 XMAS WISH LIST

Wishing you all a Very Happy Merry. And no, I'm not falling into that trap. You go out and dance to the beat of whichever winter festival you want to celebrate. Christmas. Hanukah, Kwanza, Saturnalia, Solstice, noon Tuesday, 420, a December date equal to the square root of the number 625. Whatever. And good on ya. As we say in politically correct San Francisco, "May the corpulent bearded one in the scarlet suit smile upon your chosen shrubbery."

Now, inevitably some people are going to find their stockings aren't quite stuffed with the egregious booty they were expecting or most importantly, believe they deserve. So I'm here to help the under- gifted achieve a certain amount of cathartic closure. As the great philosopher Rodney King once almost said: "can't we all wear a thong?" So, to insure that certain traditions don't get washed right out into the ocean like a picnic table on a Malibu hillside, let me offer up my annual scathingly incisive yet curiously refreshing:

WILL DURST'S 2010 XMAS WISH LIST.

For Mel Gibson. A muzzle. Permanent. Steel. Welded with titanium rivets.

For the Economists who insist the recession ended in June of 09. An opportunity to collect 99 weeks of unemployment insurance.

For Charlie Sheen. A date with Lindsay Lohan. Matching ankle bracelets at Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab.

For WikiLeaks Founder Julian Asange. A slip of paper naming whoever leaked details of his sexual assault charges tucked into a dictionary in the fold of the page with the "irony" entry.

For Betty White. 30 more years.

For Ireland. Far fewer reasons to drown their troubles.

For Juan Williams. A prayer rug for his Fox News cubicle.

For the American public. A case of antacid to get through the next two years watching the heartless pummel the spineless cheered on by the clueless.

For Conan O’Brien. Half the on- air excitement he inspired off- air.

For Barack Obama. An electron telescope to focus on jobs. American jobs. Democratic jobs. Obama Administration jobs. His job.

For Mrs. Clarence Thomas. A six pack of Coke.

For Arizona Governor Jan Brewer. A used set of Spanish language cassette tapes.

For the Cast of Jersey Shore. Watches that only measure increments of 15 minutes.

For the Texas Board of Education. A railroad car stuffed full of historical blinders.

For Bill Clinton. A Presidential appointment to the position of Secretary of Secretaries.

For Toyota. A new corporate motto. Because after 4 recalls involving acceleration problems, "Moving Forward" might be a bit too apropos.

For Katy Perry. A bigger bra.

For the Tea Party. Kissable wallets. Because its time to put their money where their mouth is.

For Willie Nelson. A THC patch.

For the TSA. Extensive training to perfect the impromptu prostate exam.

For John Boehner. A deal with Fruit of the Loom to market a line of "Mister Speaker" monogrammed handkerchiefs. And hand towels.

For former BP CEO, Tony Hayward. Now that he has his life back, a reason to live it.

For Medical Science to Study. Dick Cheney's heart, Joe Biden's mouth and Rod Blagojevich's brain.

For New Gingrich, Mitt Romney and the rest of the Republican field taking sidelong glances at 2012. Something on Sarah.

San Francisco based political comic, Will Durst, writes sometimes, this being a conventional example.

Catch Durst in stand- up mode at The Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show XVIII. Dec. 26- Jan. 1. 6 comics. 7 cities. 8 shows. 2,437 laughs. willdurst.com or 415.820.9628. Facebook. Twitter. Blah- blah.

Posted By: Will Durst (Email) | Dec 26 at 01:36 PM

worst of durst

happy merry everyone. as we say in san francisco: may the corpulent bearded in the scarlet suit one smile upon your chosen shrubbery.

Posted By: Will Durst (Email) | Dec 24 at 09:50 AM

worst of durst

START, DADT, tax cut compromise, 911 Health, Food Safety Bill. Who knew the lame ducks would be the star athletes of the 111th Congress?

Posted By: Will Durst (Email) | Dec 23 at 09:49 AM

worst of durst

The only way Congress will ever get to the truth is if we stamp it in reverse on their foreheads so they might notice it whilst admiring themselves in the mirror.

Posted By: Will Durst (Email) | Dec 22 at 09:05 AM

worst of durst

John Boehner cries so frequently, anybody who watches "It's a Wonderful Life" with him, would be wise to invest in some water wings.

Posted By: Will Durst (Email) | Dec 20 at 01:45 PM

TOP TEN COMEDIC NEWS STORIES OF THE 1ST DECADE OF THE 21ST CENTURY

Believe it or not, an entire decade has passed since the turn of the Millennium. 120 months. One tenth of a century. More than 3600 days. How did that happen? Its harder to comprehend than a faded Kazakhstani street sign tagged by Mongolian graffiti. As we are painfully aware, much ugly stuff occurred during the decade, but what with all the mayhem and turmoil, you might think nothing worth laughing about went down. You'd be wrong. I know. I know. I know. "Not another Top Ten List?" Yes. Another Top Ten List. Hey, how many ends of the decade does one get in a lifetime? Maybe seven, eight, fourteen if you're lucky. So, deal with it, because thar she blows: a list of the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of the First Decade of the 21st Century. And not a Paris Hilton or Somali pirate sighting among them.

Kerry- Edwards- 04. Worst campaign ever. And that includes France in 39. Who would have thought Democrats would fondly reminisce about the charismatic Gore- Lieberman ticket?

The Clintons. He got 12 million for his memoirs. She got 8 for hers. Not bad for two people, who testified under oath for eight years that they couldn't remember a single thing.

Economic Bubbles Bursting. Dot com. Energy. Housing. Summed up best by Enron Ethics manual on eBay whose seller described it as being in "mint condition- never used." That could have been the problem. Sold- $250.

John McCain. Old warhorse finally gets his shot. Then couldn't remember how many houses he owned. Turns out he had 8. Every time I get 4 houses I trade them in for a hotel.

Political sex scandals. Vitter. Foley. Edwards. Ensign. Sanford. And Spitzer, the NY Governor who flew a hooker from New York to DC, because God knows there aren't enough hookers in DC. 535 that I can think of, offhand. Put her up at the Mayflower and gave her 4 grand. That's a liberal. A conservative will try to get it for free in an airport men's room stall. Demonstrating fiscal responsibility.

Barack Obama. Half- black President demonstrates America ready to be Afro- curious. People still freaking out. "Born in Kenya." No, he wasn't. He was born in Honolulu. In a manger.

Weapons of Mass Destruction. President Bush was misled into thinking Iraq had WMDs because he was provided with faulty intelligence. Yeah, DNA is a bummer. Turns out it wasn't Iraq with the WMD, it wasn't Iraq with ties to Al Qaeda: it was Iran. We were so close. Probably just a clerical error.

Dick Cheney. Accidentally shot a guy in the face with a gun and got the victim to apologize. Then again, who among us hasn't mistaken a 78 year- old lawyer wearing an orange vest for an immense quail?

Sarah Palin. For those of us going cold turkey on George Bush, the former governor of Alaska is like a double dose of methadone.

George W Bush. If Reagan and Quayle had a kid. A Wheel of Fortune President in a Jeopardy world. For 8 wonderful years, he was the Full Employment Act for political comedy. And we welcome him back.

San Francisco based political comic, Will Durst, who writes sometimes, (this being a creditable example) fully expects the next decade to be as fertile, material- wise. Catch Durst in stand- up mode at The Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show XVIII. Dec. 26- Jan. 1. 6 comics. 7 cities. 8 shows. 2,437 laughs. willdurst.com or 415.820.9628. Facebook. Twitter. Blah- blah.

Posted By: Will Durst (Email) | Dec 19 at 03:38 PM