Favoritism

Is there a favorite parent in your family?

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Does your child usually call for the same parent when he wakes up from a nightmare in the middle of the night? Does your child always want to sit next to the same parent in a restaurant?

Is there a favorite parent in your family?

Earlier this week Dr. Ellen Libby addressed this question in the Huffington Post. The author of The Favorite Child says that it's not unusual for children to prefer one parent over another, and often parents are intentionally jockeying for that position of favorite. While this is normal human behavior, she says there can be "negative consequences" if the situation is "left unchecked."

Does your child prefer one parent over the other?

Shutterstock/Benis Arapovic

Does your child prefer one parent over the other?

Dr. Libby writes:

The desire of some parents to be the preferred parent can impede the quality of their parenting, interfering with parents' abilities to set and enforce rules that children don't like. Parents decisions have to be driven by what is in the overall best interest of children, not by what will win them the popularity contest.
For example, rather than remain firm when telling young drivers that they can't drive on a rainy night, parents who do not want to be unfavored may be more vulnerable to backing down. Or, when children spending weekends with a divorced parent rant about having to complete an assignment for school before kicking a soccer ball -- insisting that rules in the home of the other parent are different, the weekend parent has to remain steadfast, driven by their sense of right and wrong and NOT by fears of being the unfavored parent.

Out of curiosity, I broached this topic with my husband, asking him, "Do you think the kids favor you or me?"

"I think they love both of us but they prefer their mommy," he said.

I wasn't surprised by his answer. My kids are young and I have a more flexible work schedule so I spend more time with them. I get them up in the morning, make them breakfast, help them with homework, read them books at night...

He went on: "I also think they prefer you because I handle more discipline. I'm more strict."

This made me stop and think...Am I less strict because I want my children to like me more than my husband?

My own parents struggled with this issue in their marriage. My mom was the bad cop, while my father was our friend. My mom was always the one to tell my brother and me to keep our elbows off the tables, to make us clean our rooms, and to decide upon the grounding sentences. She's the one who shipped my brother off to boarding school when he was a junior in high school.

We now joke about this but when my mom was trying to keep two teenagers under control who often despised her because she was generally the one to make the rules, I'm sure it wasn't easy.

Is there a favorite parent in your family?

Posted By: Amy Graff (Email, Twitter, Facebook) | April 21 2010 at 10:53 AM

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