On-again, off-again couple back on to stay

"It was a commune," insists Iris Miller Stetson of the living arrangements at the house where she first met her husband, Jim, back in 1971 when both were only 22 years old. Jim was a student at Cal; Iris was playing music, traveling and "doing her thing." Jim was moving in and Iris was moving out of the house - er, commune.

"You can imagine," the exuberant Iris says, drolly.

Photos of the couple from back then set the scene. Iris is the angelic archetype of a hippie - bright-colored bell-bottoms, a sheaf of long hair. Jim is shaggy and mustached.

"I instantly liked him," Iris says. "He was so beautiful." They connected again a year later at a party. Iris asked around for Jim's number and soon called. A romance ensued.

"Jim was the stable one," Iris remembers. "I was the scared one." After a few rocky years of on-and-off, the two became engaged in 1974. Invitations were sent and gifts had already arrived when Iris' feet went icy. "I wasn't ready," she says. "I was just too young."

Jim, who by then had graduated with a degree in architecture, was building his career. "I was, like, 'What?' " he remembers. Gifts were returned.

A year later, with Iris back in school, the two were back together. But once again, Iris called it off. "I had oats to sow," she says, with a grimace. This time, it was a real break. There was one shared lunch in 1982, but Iris was still sure it wouldn't work. Jim married a few years later. Iris, then an opera singer who studied and performed flamenco, embarked on a series of "awful" relationships.

In 1993, Iris decided to move to Spain to pursue her dance passion. Days before departure, she picked up a mysterious message at her sister's house from Jim. Iris knew he had married - and was even a little envious - yet was curious. She called. Jim told her his wife had lost her long battle against cancer. "He spoke about her so beautifully," she says, "with nothing but respect and love."

It was Iris' birthday, and Jim, who remembered, asked if he could take her out. Years had passed since they'd been together, and Iris wondered if Jim would still find her "cute." Ironically, they saw the film "Groundhog Day" - a movie about doing the same thing over and over until life turns out right.

"I knew then where my heart belonged," Iris says. Though Spain beckoned, neither was going to let the other slip away. On her return, Iris moved into Jim's Crocker Highlands home. A month later, he proposed. Today, nearly 40 years after their first meeting, they will celebrate their 17th wedding anniversary.

"Who would have thought?" says Iris, who now teaches American Sign Language to Oakland preschoolers. She smiles, and at the corner of her eyes are traces of her life as a Berkeley hippie.

What has been different the second time around?

Iris: "I was ready to be really loved."

Jim: "We are securely attached; we are really enjoying our life together."