MOON LANDINGS WERE HOAX!
Internet Researcher proves what was always blatantly obvious, now that
we think about it.
Academic & Scientific World Dumfounded.
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Science Editor Joe Schmoe Reports. The world was shaken to the very core yesterday as it was once and for all proven that the Moon Landings were faked. President Bush has ordered an immediate investigation and promised that all those found to be involved with this deception shall be brought to justice. ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP Top NASA officials were placed under arrest after early morning FBI raids, and the entire organization, once the pride of American space exploration, has been shut down. Amazement has been expressed from all quarters that this deception could have gone on for so long. "This issue is not going to go away," a senator was quoted as saying yesterday. "This must go all the way up to Capital Hill, and it's sure is one huge stinking heap of lies!"
Presidential aides, however, denied that the current administration had any knowledge of the hoax. "We are as horrified as everyone else," a spokesperson said. "President Bush is totally bemused about the whole affair," he added, "but he is determined to get to the bottom of it." FEARS FOR LIFE Meanwhile, Carl West, the unassuming, but razor-sharp mind who uncovered the deception is now in a federal protection scheme, after fears for his life from the NASA hit squads who have allegedly killed so many before. President Bush, however, had these words of comfort for West; "Our nation, and indeed the world, owes you our deepest thanks. You have opened our eyes and exposed the lies." FIRST DOUBTS West first expressed his doubts over the Moon Landings over a year ago in a conversation with a friend during a football game. But it was not until last week that he publicly aired the issue in a earth shattering and insightful posting to an internet discussion board. Events moved quickly from that moment. FBI investigator Howards, a "real life Scully" read what West had to say. "From that moment on I was convinced. This guy West had hit on something that no-one else had seen." Howards said yesterday at a press conference. "I immediately swung the entire investigative power of my organization into action. Everything we found confirmed what West had said. It was a hoax!" THE EVIDENCE In his discussion board post West pointed out the following;
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"I was stunned," said Agent Howard."These were questions that absolutely no-one had an answer to, yet no-one was doing anything about it! I had to take action! " The head of NASA was unapologetic yesterday."We so nearly got away with it," he hissed, stroking his white cat. "We had been stock piling all those billions of dollars for the last 38 years, just spending a few thousand every year to make some cheap videos in a warehouse." Banging his many ringed finger on his table and ripping out his glass eye the evil NASA chief snarled "Two more years and we could have bought Canada outright and taken over the world!" "Damn you, Carl West!" he added. HERO Carl West is an unassuming all-American 24 year old. You might think that because he works in a convenience store that he's not the brightest guy you're likely to meet. Yet this slightly scruffy young man, five foot, nine inches in his Nike sneakers, was smart enough to break a conspiracy that successfully fooled the world for 33 years. "I guess I just got lucky," West smiles."It just goes to show you don't have to finish high school to be smart." But just what was the break-through that led West to his remarkable conclusion? "I just got talking with my best friend Joe about the moon and stuff. WATCHING TV We were watching football on the TV, drinking beer and just kicking back. Then he says something about kicking the ball so high that maybe it'd go into orbit and hit the moon. Well, that just got us thinking about stuff. We didn't really think you could kick something into orbit, but we weren't sure. And that got into, well how'd we reach the moon anyway? Joe's real smart, it got me thinking. Pretty soon I had it all worked out. By the time the game was finished I was convinced for sure that we could never have gone to the moon and the Apollo landings must have been a hoax!"
INTERNET RESEARCH But West didn't leave it there. "I wasn't going to run around telling people this without checking it out first," he explains. "Otherwise I might look a right dumbass! I spent a whole hour browsing the web. I found a web site by some guy in California on Geocities. He worked a summer in the grounds staff at NASA space-camp, so he must know the truth." It was after this 4 hours of exhaustive and in depth research that West became the expert that shook the world's view of space travel. ORDINARY GUY When asked about his new-found fame West is characteristically humble. "Gee," he smiles toothily. "I'm just an ordinary guy that pointed out the obvious I''ve no idea why I discovered all this, frankly I know nothing about science or space or anything. I guess it's not as tricky as all those scientist pretend.." Well, we know you're just being modest Carl! You sure showed those scientist geeks a thing or two! |
SCIENTISTS BAFFLEDProf. William Stevens (58) looks justifiably embarrassed. "I simply can't explain it." He said to reporters outside his University offices yesterday. "Why didn't I notice this before?" 40 YEARS STUDY "I've spent 40 years in astronomical study, and 20 years of that specifically in Satellite Systems study. I have a University chair in three major Universities and sat on 5 different governmental committees on Space Exploration. Hell, I wrote a research paper on the Lunar Landings that took 18 months to research, then a further 3 months just to proof-read." Steven pauses to scratch his head. "Yet not once did it occur to me to wonder who filmed Armstrong as he stepped onto the moon. How could I have been so dumb?" BRAINIAC "I gave a seminar on it in at the 1979 Space Exploration and Planetary Science Conference at Oxford before 200 experts in the field. Yet not one of those dumb-asses thought to stick up a hand and tell me about the deadly Van Allen belt. I suppose we really should have just stayed at home, watched TV and drunk beer, just like Carl Wilson. He sure is one brainiac!" TOTAL MORON "I mean how freaking stupid are we!? All those years of study and not once did it cross my mind about how hot the moon was. What am I, a total moron?" STUPID But Prof. Stevens is not alone. He is just one of literally thousands of supposedly highly educated men and woman fooled by this blatantly obvious hoax. Take Dr. Hitomo Tsujimura, a geologist with 24 years experience in rock formation and planetary techtonics. Dr Tsujimura examined lunar rock samples as part of her original doctorate studies in Japan . Since then she has gone on to become a foremost expert in lunar rocks, lecturing across the world to students and enthusiast alike. But now it seems her life-work has been nothing but a sham. "Now I am feeling very stupid," she says, speaking from her 200 million Yen research laboratories in Tokoyo. "After all those years of tests I did on the rocks I could have sworn they were from the moon. I spent years getting samples from NASA, but now I realize I could have just made my own in the microwave! We're shutting this place down next week. We may have 20 trained scientists at work here with the very latest in technology, but we couldn't spot a cow in a bunkbed. We are soooo stupid! Already 5 of the staff have committed suicide through the shame of it all. It is very bad." OTHER REACTIONS Dr. Darren Kilware. Chair of US Astronomical Association. "Somebody kill me! I swallowed this hoax from day one, but now I see what a dumb jerk I've been." Neil Armstrong. "Aw crap, It's true. They made me do it! I just can't believe we got away with it for so long. We were making it up as we went along!" Pres. Jimmy Carter. "Cripes! I kept asking those NASA guys about where all the money was going, but they just waved papers at me and totally bamboozled me! I think West should run for President, he's way smarter than anyone else at the Whitehouse." Vladimir Putin, President of Russia . "Hey, those crazy Americans sure fooled us! They must have been using radio-transmitters and pigeons or something! All this time and everyone in the Soviet Space Authority thought the radio signals were coming from the moon. Duh! I think they must have been on the vodka!" NASA spokesperson. "We cannot comment any further on this. You simply have no idea what a 30 years supply of donuts costs." |
