Lifeclass: Bring back that loving feeling Last Updated: 12:01am GMT 29/01/2008  Have your say      Read comments

A marriage shattered by adultery and indifference will take more than good intentions to heal, writes Lesley Garner Dear Lesley, My question is: "Can I find love again?" I was first struck by love as a teenager and it had a totally consuming effect on me. Through my teens I was able to get the laddish behaviour out of my system and I grew up.   Drifting apart: Repressed hurt and anger is a big passion killer I met my wife-to-be at work and found feelings of love emerging again. In my twenties I wasn't surprised or disappointed to find that being in love for the second time was a little less frenetic and all-consuming and that the idea of a life-long partnership was a better one. We got married and a year later started a family. I took on a job that resulted in my wife being left at home without me, and as a consequence she took up with a younger man. When I first discovered this I wasn't too disturbed as I had been unfaithful too. However, our views on our affairs were quite different. She intended to leave me for the other man and take the children with her. I worked very hard to win her back and thankfully I succeeded. We moved, I changed jobs and we settled down to bring up our young family together. advertisement Many years later my wife found out about my affair and it took me a long time to convince her that it had just been a "randy bloke thing for fun". During a particularly bad- tempered exchange some 10 years ago I let her know that I had no love for her, which set us back a long way. Since then, with the passing of years, my libido has diminished and only with good counselling from a specialist doctor have I managed partly to recover it. My wife's libido, on the other hand, has increased. The current situation is that she loves me as much as the day we married. I find I don't have any of those feelings any more. I would like to, but in retrospect I think my love for her ebbed away after I found out about her affair. We were both working so hard to repair our marriage, bring up our demanding family and make ends meet that there was just no room for love. We have long discussions about how to make the most of our lives together. We don't doubt that we will remain as a couple. However, my lack of love for her is a problem. Trying to love someone doesn't work. It is not a question of effort. I need to be persuaded that a revival of love is possible. Then, if I can be convinced of that, I need some guidance as to how this might be achieved. Mark Dear Mark, When I read a letter such as yours I think that men and women really are two different species after all. I wish your letter didn't make me feel like that because I like to think that we are all on the same side. My instinct, on first reading it, was to think, yes, I do believe that you can learn to love somebody again. And then, when I re-read it, I had a growing picture of you, sitting there, arms metaphorically crossed, defying me to convince you. By the end of the letter you have handed the responsibility for solving the whole thing back to your wife and now to me. Can I convince you? I don't know. Let's have a look at what you've told me. First, you have a remarkable ability to disengage yourself emotionally and to rationalise your disengagement. It's as though you took a beady look at your total besottedness as a teenager and decided, consciously or not, that this was an exciting but uncomfortable state. When you met the woman who became your wife you seem to have felt almost relieved that this love had a lower temperature, as though you could be in love and still be in control. Your attitude to marriage was rational as much as it was passionate, and that feels a little cold to me, as though part of you was - ­and still is­ - detached. It gets chillier. When you discovered that your neglected wife had taken up with somebody who paid her the attention she wasn't getting from you, you didn't seem to care, because you had already detached yourself still further by pursuing an affair of your own. She was lonely. What was your excuse? I would suggest that a man who is not disturbed when he learns that his wife is having an affair is a remarkably cool man. What shook you was learning that she wasn't cool and detached like you. What she wanted was love and for her the love was worth leaving you for. You were only after "a randy bloke thing for fun". I wonder if this was how the woman you were having the affair with saw it, or did you just assume she saw things in the same detached way as you do? You worked very hard to win your wife back and all was plain sailing until she found out that while you were being self-righteous about her affair, you had been having one of your own. And still she loves you, despite everything. As I have been working through your letter again I am coming up with a different answer. I thought, and still think, that a revival of love is possible but I am not sure that it is possible for you in your present state of mind. You seem to show a lack of empathy for others and I don't think that love can flourish where there is no empathy. Here's the big question: - what is love? I tried to answer this in my book, Everything I've Ever Learned about Love. Thinking about love for months, as I did while I wrote the book, opened my eyes to its infinitely changing nature. Love for you is first consuming, then laddish, then friendly, then randy, blokey fun, then nothing. Love for me is desire and passion, yes, but more enduringly it is respect, tenderness, deep affection and the ability to explore difficulty without blaming the other. Your libido troubles make me wonder how much anger you repressed over your wife's affair in your determined efforts to hold the family together. Repressed hurt and anger is a big passion killer. Love can't survive without kindness, unselfishness and the willingness to put one's ego to one side (which is not the same as being a doormat) in the attempt to perceive the other's point of view. It's a cliché but a long marriage encompasses a lot of flexibility, compromise and mutual forgiveness. Are you forgiving, at heart? In your letter I can't find any tenderness or affection or warmth. Marriage therapists often start by asking couples to look at what attracted them to each other in the first place and to build on that. Are you brave enough to try marriage therapy? If you are you can head to Relate together in an effort to rekindle the embers. Or you could try this: ask yourself how you would behave towards your wife if you really, really loved her. Then, putting your misgivings and pride aside, behave like that. Sometimes, when we act as if something were true, it becomes true. Can you find love again? I don't know, but I do know that lasting love is not something that happens to you. It's something you create and sustain.

 Have your say    

Lesley is absolutely right to say that men and women really are two different species. Another way of putting is: they are wired differently.

Mark (same name as me) is also absolutely right to say trying to love someone does not work. He differs from me in that he has long discussions with his wife. I do not. We (ie my wife and I) are wired so differently that most discussions end up in a short circuit, the fuse is blown, and all the lights go out. In consequence, we go our separate ways in this little idyllic location of ours. She watches the Cooking channel and I watch the sunset over the Indian ocean.
Posted by Mark on January 29, 2008 4:36 PM
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I love the way this Ms. Garner says the wife had an affair because she was lonely and needed love. While, as he describes had a "randy bloke type of thing" This means no emotion was attached to the affair, yet Ms Garner seems to be condeming him for his actions but not the wife. He's cold she's not. So her affair is his fault. Typical Female answer to everything.

Women should simply stop blaming Men for all that is wrong in their lives and get on with it.
Posted by Howard on January 29, 2008 3:00 PM
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But I do agree that it does seem like double standards to sympathise with the wife when she had an affair also.

But maybe she only did it to get her husbands attention?

Maybe she sensed something wasn't quite right between them.

But I do agree - it does seem hypocritical just to blame one party.


Posted by Anon on January 29, 2008 2:52 PM
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Regarding the letter, the chap does sound remarkably self-centred, but then again, many of us are.

On the subject of love, affair etc. I do think that Frank Wilson is right in that 'love is having a deep concern for the well being of another person.' I would go further, and say that it is when this concern embraces every aspect of your life. In the context of an affair, it also has the ability to confuse, frustrate and destroy one's mental health.

It would never occur to me to embark on an 'affair'. It would however occur to me to fall in love with someone other than my wife.
Posted by Peter Joshua on January 29, 2008 2:27 PM
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"She intended to leave me for the other man and take the children with her."
The important point here is "take the children with her".

This is not developed into whether there would be equal access etc or a virtual 'kidnap' and if the latter he'll have been as emotionally gutted as taking a knife and cuting out his intestines. There will be no empathy.


Posted by Dorian on January 29, 2008 2:09 PM
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Also,here's a thought.. the husband could try being 'honest' with his wife.

Or would that be too easy?

Obviously then he risks losing her altogether when he reveals his true nature/colours. But at least they wouldn't have to lie to each other any more..

Or another thought - they could just continue to pretend they are happy! :)
Posted by Anon on January 29, 2008 1:55 PM
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It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations. To love is to accept vulnerability and thus I love my husband. Come live with me and be my love, and we will some new pleasures prove, of golden sands, and crystal brooks, with silken lines and silver hooks. True love is bestowed as a gift. It is given freely, willingly and unconditionally. Love sought is good, but given unsought is better.
Posted by Jane Bradley on January 29, 2008 1:49 PM
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Reminds me of the Woody Allen film that I saw on Saturday night.

Where the man has an affair with a woman then grows tired of her and realises that his wife isn't that bad afterall.

He worries about being found out so much that he kills his lover - as if to make the whole situation go away. PUFF!

Maybe the stereotypical 'boring' wife seems far too safe, but men often end up going back to it when the other side of the coin is just as difficult.

What is worse - the nice but dull wife or the ever demanding lover..

I think, and don't blame them, men often opt for the easy option.

:)
Posted by Anon on January 29, 2008 1:48 PM
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amazing. when ms garner analysis her affair, she immediately blames him for not giving her the attention she deserves. but when it comes to his affair, its all his fault again. do women ever have to take some of the blame ms garner?? i agree with jonathan oakey, i would never go near ms garner for advice!
Posted by bernie on January 29, 2008 1:44 PM
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SEX IS A MYSTERY WHICH WE WILL NEVER GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT-PARDON THE PUN. LIFE IS HOW IT IS AND EVER WAS. PEOPLE HAVE TO BE CLEVER OR LUCKY ABOUT THE CHOICE OF THE PERSON YOU MARRY.
Posted by max bernstein on January 29, 2008 1:42 PM
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Who cares?

If they have children, they should just f _ _ _ _ _ g get on with it!

Most other people do!
Posted by Andy G on January 29, 2008 1:27 PM
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They both sound mind-bogglingly selfish and immature. It's all me, me, me.
Posted by Alys on January 29, 2008 12:55 PM
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That is the wisest, most realistic, practical, sensitive and intelligent analysis I've ever read. Bravo!!!
Posted by elizabeth schumann on January 29, 2008 12:36 PM
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I think this man is looking for a 'feeling' - but love is more than that. If he acts lovingly towards his wife and carries out daily conscious acts of love towards her - even when he's not 'feeling'romantic or loving - I believe love will return. Love is a choice and you have to make that choice daily - even hourly - sometimes minute by minute! It takes effort...

My husband and I have been through this and it seems to be the only solution.
Posted by Gill Baconnier on January 29, 2008 11:48 AM
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These two are right charmers, I'd love my children to end up with either of them.
Posted by Charles on January 29, 2008 10:48 AM
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What is the point in having a woman counsellor trying to understand a man's emotional situation? Not for the first time, I am extremely unimpressed by Ms Garner's response. It totaly lacks empathy for the man's situation and feelings, and drips with implied criticism for him. In the case described above, both spouses were at fault, and who's to say that the wife is less culpable for her affair than the husband was for his?
I certainly wouldn't go to Ms Garner for couples therapy.
Posted by Jonathan Oakey on January 29, 2008 9:34 AM
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Ah, never marry someone you’re having an affair with, it just leaves a vacancy!

If honesty, trust, attraction, compatibility ,compassion, co-operation and commitment are the foundations of a successful relationship. Then how come people are surprised that their relationship breaks down, when it was only built on attraction?

Posted by Phil B on January 29, 2008 9:34 AM
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"What is love?"

Love is having a deep concern for the wellbeing of another person.

It may not always be easy but the rewards are great.
Posted by Frank Wilson on January 29, 2008 6:20 AM
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He sounds AC/DC to me. He may be confused as to which sex he wants. Fixing that is a bigger issue.
Posted by Richard Ryan on January 29, 2008 2:47 AM
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