When Weekly's most vertically opposite editors Robert Schork (6'7'') and Mala Bhattacharjee (5'1'') trade thoughts on their favorite storyline of the day, you're left with The Long & The Short Of It. Here, they welcome GENERAL HOSPITAL's Felicia home to Port Charles. Sort of.

Mala: Georgie's dead and Sonny and Kate had sex and so did Liz and Jason. Looks like the aphrodisiac spread around during Emily's demise has yet to fade.
Robert: Talk about "working through your grief."
Mala: Grief sex, it's the new "hate sex."
Robert: You're telling me in 2007 the police can't trace the source of these text messages?
Mala: Of course not. That's what Spinelli is for. Look, it's Felicia! Don't put down the fireplace poker, Maxie. You might still want to use it!
Robert: Oh, look, it's Dillon — two returns for the price of one.
Mala: And Dillon's about to get really, really bad news. At least this time Lucky isn't the last to know something.
Robert: Felicia is a WSB agent now? Wow, times have changed.
Mala: Well, it's better than "your grandma Mariah, who's 180 now, still hasn't died!" I'll buy Felicia and Frisco working together. I'll buy anything. I'll buy she was going cross country in a bad wig with Decker Moss again.
Robert: At this rate, what's next? Laura coming back as a psychiatrist?
Mala: So, why are we watching Sonny, Kate, and Diane talk about the Manolo Mafia when we have years of Maxie-Felicia angst to catch up on?
Robert: Yeah, they're paying Kristina Wagner by the day, let's make the most of it.
Mala: I was going to make the "Mama needs a new pair of shoes" joke, but that would de-feet the purpose.
Robert: Meanwhile, you'd think if the Police Commissioner's daughter gets STRANGLED, every available cop would be on the case 24/7. So why is Lucky making small talk with his dad?
Mala: Why was Luke SMILING at the dead Georgie newspaper during Lucky's small talk? That's my question. Bwahahaha. Felicia finally put Mariah in a HOME.
Robert: Mariah is in "assisted living." It beats the Chi Chi's "hacienda" she used to live in.
Mala: Aw, I liked the hacienda. And now I want chips and guac. Thanks, Robert.
Robert: Felicia is stunning.
Mala: She really is. Though I wish she'd be a little more stunned by Georgie's death.
Robert: I know. She's looking too "together" under the circumstances. A little running mascara is called for.
Mala: A little? Dude, I need the three-day sob and snot fest that was Nikolas crying over Emily. Felicia birthed that child under a table without an epidural!
Robert: Methinks we're going to need an epidural to get through this.
Mala: And then we can wear sunglasses to cover our pain. I hear it's all the rage.
Robert: Felicia will "take" Maxie's anger? How Dr. Phil of her. Enter Elvira — I mean Robin.
Mala: The hair color has gone a wee bit Goth, yes. But can you blame her? It's funeral season!
Robert: You and I are dressed too festive for the occasion...
Mala: Oddly enough, I'm wearing my GENERAL HOSPITAL T-shirt. Aw. Somebody hug Dillon.
Robert: Dillon can direct the Lifetime Original Movie about Georgie's murder.
Mala: Too bad Valerie Bertinelli is too old to star in it.
Robert: Maybe Joanna Kearns can play Felicia and Gregory Harrison can be Mac!
Mala: If you were Dillon, wouldn't you run into a bathroom to be sick and not outside?
Robert: No, I'd rather throw up on Spinelli.
Mala: I'm sure you're not alone in that sentiment. Spinelli and Dillon should cry in each other's arms. We can call them "Spillon" because they're "spillin" their guts.
Robert: New supercouple alert: Spillon!
Mala: That California tan everyone has is getting in the way of me believing it's a cold PC winter and you know it's sad when Maxie (with Kirsten Storms as the newest member of the gang) is showing the most sadness. Whip out those tears, Robin and Filly!
Robert: Maybe the Cassadine weather machine is stuck in reverse and Port Charles is experiencing an Indian Summer (is that politically correct these days?)
Mala: Are you asking me because I'm Indian?
Robert: LOL No, but I'll play it safe — "Native American" summer. So, now we're back at the hospital — AGAIN.
Mala: Pointless Cassius The Orderly and Kate scene...why?
Robert: To remind people it's GENERAL HOSPITAL.
Mala: So was what we were watching with Felicia, Georgie, and Maxie PORT CHARLES?
Robert: Yeah! It certainly wasn't NIGHT SHIFT.
Mala: Then we need some vampires...and Caleb can bring Georgie back to life. Also, where's that chips and guac from Chi Chi's? I'm Jonesing. So to speak.
Robert: Yeah, now that you mention it there's a serious lack of gastronomic diversity in Port Charles. Everyone eats at Kelly's or Metro Court. Where's the Tex-Mex joint? Where's the Chinese take-out?
Mala: Sam and Jason used to get Chinese takeout — probably from the long forgotten Asian Quarter. Now poor Dillon is back at Kelly's to mourn and play the jukebox. Which, by the way, I just tried to look up the song and called up Insane Clown Posse lyrics. Somehow, I'm thinking that wasn't it.
Robert: Okay, is Spinellli going to fall for Felicia now?
Mala: No. I'm sure they had to have her have a gratuitous scene with someone from the "real" GH. Was I naive for hoping Felicia and the gang would get the last scene?
Robert: Yes! I think holidays at the Snyders' on ATWT would be more fun.
Mala: Holidays at the Snyders are more fun because there's cute gay boys at them...and nobody DIES.
Robert: Amen to that. I'd rather pass the eggnog than the ammo! Er, the chips and guac!

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