Checking In
When His Past Is the Gift That Keeps On Giving
Thu Dec 13, 2:00 AM ET
DEAR MARGO: I met and married the man of my dreams four years ago. Both of us were in our 40s, and obviously we each had a past. I was honest about mine; he said he just didn't remember things. After we married he remembered a few things . . . such as having sex with two women at the same time. I told him I found that disgusting. When he saw how shocked I was, he didn't tell me anything else.
Because he had a child from a previous relationship, his ex would call to talk about "Susie," and the conversation invariably turned to when they were together. She informed me that he'd had sex with her and some of her friends at the same time. When I confronted him, he fessed up. I asked if I knew any of the other girls. He stated no.
A few years passed and we ran into a guy he pretended not to remember. Come to find out not only was this guy involved in some of the "group activities," but he was also one of his good friends. He promised he would never lie to me again.
Just last week I was informed that a friend was moving next door with his girlfriend. I asked my husband if he knew the girl. He stated no. Come to find out she was a girl who was part of the "group."
What am I to do? He says he just wants to forget about these episodes, that they keep getting brought up and it's not fair to him. Well, excuse me, but I am the one being lied to and I am the one not wanting to be put in situations where I am in a roomful of people who've all had sex with my husband.
I don't think I can get past it. I believe a person's sexual preference does not change. Am I wrong?
--- HAUNTED BY HIS PAST
DEAR HAUNT: Oh, my. This man of your dreams was busy, wasn't he? I do think you're wrong, however, about being able to change. His wild oats, granted, would have filled several tanker trucks, but it does sound as though he's settled down and gotten the kinks out of his system.
Because he's never suggested the two of you expand your love life to include others, do work on letting bygones be bygones, as it were. Stop the mental pictures, and try to accept that when he was young and foolish he was young and foolish.
He will be most grateful for your mercy, and I feel certain there are no more skeletons to dance out of the closet.
--- MARGO, REGENERATIVELY
A Diamond Is Forever (But What About the Setting?)
DEAR MARGO: Is there a way to tell your sensitive, lovely husband of one year that you don't like the engagement ring he chose for you? Don't get me wrong, I love the ring because it's from him, but I really don't care for the setting.
The reason I feel so bad is that I want to feel proud about this ring that's a symbol of our commitment to each other. I know I probably should have told him right off the bat so we could have just traded it then, but something about his excitement at having picked it out himself kept me from doing it.
Should I just live with it, or should I say something?
--- RIGHT HUSBAND, WRONG RING
DEAR RIGHT: Old rule of thumb regarding men and jewelry: Never make them feel insecure about walking into a jewelry store! Had you, at the time, registered disappointment in the setting, it would have rained on his parade and he likely would not have selected anything for you again.
Time has worked in your favor, however. Your reticence about suggesting another setting has now put some distance between the presentation of the ring and today. (You did the right thing, instinctively.)
Now, however, with minimal damage to his ego, you could mention you saw a setting you love that you think would show off the stone to better advantage.
--- MARGO, ADVANTAGEOUSLY
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to click here.
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Copyright © 2007 Margo Howard