Gawker

Perhaps you have noticed that I am obsessed with the MTV "reality" show The Hills. It seems like a lot of you are, too! And, like, every celebrity magazine, and even Real Newspapers, are too. At first, it sort of seemed like a joke, like a so-bad-it's-good sort of thing. We were only being ironic as we watched! But now we think there's something not at all ironic at work here.

Our slags over at ladysite Jezebel caught Lauren Conrad of "The Hills" "reality" show semi-fame rocking the name necklace a la Carrie Bradshaw. Proof positive of our "The Hills" is the new "Sex And The City" theory. What's more, we hear from inside MTV that "The Hills" is "the only thing holding up the channel at the moment. The online ratings/# of streams are THROUGH THE ROOF. But everything else is in the shitter. All of the programming meetings are about doing 'triage' on the programming schedule/lineup, and how 'America's Next Top Model' marathons are helping to 'stop the bleeding.'"

Now we understand why the well of faux New Yorker cartoon submissions have dried up: you all are sending them to the Wall Street Journal instead of us. So sad!

We have to admit that the recent news of Owen Wilson's drug addictions and suicide attempt has thrown us for a bit of a loop. If we can't trust America's favorite funny-friend rapscallion not to slit his wrists after a three-day oxycontin bender, well, what can we trust? Answer: The experts at Radar magazine! Their PR pitch just landed in a tipster's inbox: "As Owen Wilson loses his first movie role following his reported suicide attempt, some wonder if this is indicative of more backlash to come for the actor? A Radar editor is available for comment." But wait, there's more!

Comedy ensued on MSNBC last night when pundit Tucker Carlson happily admitted that when a guy hit on him in a men's room in Georgetown, he went back with "someone I knew and grabbed him... and hit him against the stall with his head." Then the cops came and arrested the gay dude. But not Tucker! The laughs just keep coming; MSNBC top exec (um, and lawyer) Dan Abrams and chatshow host Joe Scarborough were besides themselves with giggles. We're no lawyers ourselves, but didn't Tucker just confess to an actual crime on air?

We once posited this analysis of professional talking head, dating columnist, and internet metacelebrity Julia Allison: "The extent of her self-awareness of her persona is a constant source of speculation for me. I think she must know to some extent that the character she has constructed—a hyperstylized vixen—borders on absurd but you gotta admit, she's milking the character for all it is worth." Now we wonder no more! Julia writes: "I've always felt completely self-aware—like, if you don't get that 94% of the things I do are to amuse myself, or because I fear, more than anything else, being boring—how is that my problem?" Snap! Oh, and it gets better. She's written a whole post about her image construction! Sociology grad students, listen up.

Last night on The Hills, Heidi took Spencer to visit her parents in Colorado. They live in Crested Butte, in the middle of nowhere, in a pretty small house, and own a restaurant in "town," which is like one street. At one point, Spencer calls his best dude Brody and is all, "She is from a different world." Heh. Throughout the show, Heidi's parents try to figure out what went wrong between her and her former best friend Lauren (this was filmed after the allegations that Spencer and Heidi had leaked Lauren's sex tape had come out, and Heidi's new nose and boobs had been plastered all over the tabloids), and gently suggest that maybe spending all her time with Spencer isn't such a good idea. But it's the scene where Heidi's parents take Heidi and Spencer out to dinner at their restaurant that let them see his true colors for themselves. Which is to say: He's a crazy, possessive maniac!

Why, we wondered, is everything so damn slow out on the town? Besides the usual pre-Labor Day vacation whatnots, of course. Page Six clears it up: Nobody's here!

Last night Gothamist, the 1010Wins of the blogosphere, held a dating event called "Check Out" at Whole Foods on the Bowery. Apparently (and, pretty predictably) the event was an unmitigated disaster. Our mole, Lauren, 23, reports.

In last night's episode of VH1's "Academy of Douchery,"pick up artist" "Mystery" instructed his douchelettes in the art of "kiss tactics." Demonstrating on his almost certainly gay wingman "J. Dog," our Venusian master sets the stage for a challenge in which his charges must kiss a girl—with her permission even! Pay attention, you might learn something. About being a douche.

Some lonely fellow answered 100 Craiglist Casual Encounters ads, presumably posted by women. Of the 81 responses he got:

- 4 seems to be legitimate (or person at least): 1 successful online conversation / 3 email conversation (2 dudes)
- 58 immediate (with in 2 hours) automatic fake responses (porn sites)
- 19 delayed responses: the fake sites are getting smarter, they are sending out reply after a day
- 19 non-reply (i even got rejected from porn sites!!)

The 100 post reply test - w4m - 99 [Craigslist]

There's a new blog in town, Sympathy for the Restaurant Industry. It's anonymous, "meta-fictional," and kind of good? Also, everyone thinks it's written by Abbe Diaz.

The other day, a magazine arrived addressed to a former occupant of my apartment. It was a copy of The Nest magazine, which is published by theknot.com. The thinking seems to be that women go to theknot.com and buy The Knot magazine to prepare for their weddings, and then once they're married, they move on to The Nest. If there was ever a reason to want to avoid becoming a "married," as they refer to themselves, this would be it.

Here's Miss Teen USA contestant Lauren Caitlin Upton answering a politically-charged question about American's inability to locate their own country on a map. Her answer more or less directly proves the validity of the question. South Carolinians must be beaming with pride right now!

Former Queen of Mean Leona Helmsley cut her two grandchildren out of her will, but left "probably" hundreds of millions of dollars to charity. Also! $12 million for her dog! On the the "Today Show," the gang puts it in context: "That's a lot of Kibbles 'n' Bits." Right. Actually, it's 9.6 million pounds of Kibbles 'N' Bits. Also, it's unendingly stupid.