i had this whole long post on the things that i have that make me proud to be who i am and make me feel good about myself, but i deleted everything when i received the daily devotional in my inbox. despite that fact that it probably wasn't the most beautifully written prose and laden with errors, i saw the heart of the person who wrote it and i knew it was God's special word for me. at His perfect timing. it's not feeble self-affirmation i need (but thanks chris, your little paragraph made me feel better about myself), but ultimately i need the original Giver of rest.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will you rest. Matthew 11:28

if my God is for me, who can be against me? it's true, i can do anything because He gives me the strength to carry on.

currently, am swinging precariously between bouts of self-acceptance and extreme insecurity. hope to swing more to the former; the latter is bad for my self-esteem :(

actually, i was thinking about how much i'm going to miss the national stadium.

why does everything have to have an economic value attached to it in order to survive on this island? all these monuments that we have come to grow fond of are being torn down one by one, and pretty soon, singapore is going to look so developed and sophisticated with spanking new, sleek buildings

but no soul.

i'm going to miss the national stadium.

my earliest memory of it is watching the michael jackson concert with my parents, when i was a toddler.

then, when i was 12 years old, they brought us there again for the NDP preview, which i never forgot also.

but the biggest memory of that beautiful grand old place had yet to happen.

and that was when i marched together in this contingent called tkband. we perspired, bled, cried and toiled together for that fateful title of Best Display Band for countless years. i was a part of that, for 2000 and 2002. the national stadium was our battlefield, the culmination of our efforts, and it was a place where we celebrated triumph after triumph.

i'll miss the stadium. we had NDP there too. remember how it started pouring one rehearsal, and all our bells were soaked in water, but we never stopped until we finished our repertoire.

i'll also remember SYF rehearsals, how we were drenched and fatigued as we ran across the field to stand at position.

the only tangible memories i have are the people who have emerged unscathed from all this. yina, jacq, roy, tk saxes, delon, laweng, yingzhen, susie. thanks for our friendship guys. who would have thought our friendship could sustain until now?

all in all, we fought and loved, but we never lost. ever. we were in her era of victory. tkband's era.

How to bag a date for your OCS Commissioning Ball 1101E:

1) Ask the girl out for ocs social night the year before. She will reject you. After which, SMS her one week before the ball. She will ignore you. Call her personally and beg. She will pity you, and accept.

2) Treat her super well. Pick her up from her doorstep, send her home after the event, smile and shrug it off when she apologises profusely for taking so long, take food for her, open the door for her, do the PR thing by introducing her to all your friends so she doesn't feel left out.

3) Keep complimenting her. Like alot. Make her ego grow so huge so that she will feel like her time is not wasted helping you, and so she feels appreciated.

Obviously Mr. Augustine Choo did not comply. but with a steady bevy of beautiful girls to pick from, why does he need to? hahahah. lenny wenny i still wurve youuuus. update on lovelifelive***s soon okie day?

i know my dad has been eyeing this thing for very long.

it's not cheap, but i went ahead and bought it, and just blew most of my money to ship it in from the states.

i hope it arrives in time for father's day, and i hope he'll like it.

have less than $40 in account currently, to see me through the rest of the month =(

the week ended off with me feeling quite contented, because:

1) i satiated my cravings for tian tian hainan ji fan at maxwell market during lunch hour, AND i bought the mr bean mascot (the soya bean drink, not the atkinson variety) for $3, and it's perched proudly on my work desk now. go get it! it's only $3, and $1.50 goes to a special school, so it's for a good cause.

2) i discovered sultana khong guan biscuits in the office pantry. which is like, right outside my cubicle. *beams*

3) the senior manager was impressed by the report analysis she tasked me to do. this same manager tends to find fault alot more than praise, so i was very taken aback when she went "WOW!" and beamed from ear to ear as she read the analysis.

i think, i've finally found someplace where my efforts and talent are appreciated, and where my grades don't count for squat, so there's no one telling me that i am not up to par just because my grades show that i'm a struggling-to-get-honours student. i've found this place where everyone is nice, and everybody works hard so there's no petty politics, because they're too big a company for that. i like how the CEO, despite the fact that he is rushing for meetings and busy watching over the largest media agency in singapore, can stop and have a chat with me, almost as if i am already one of them. and i feel comforted that even though my results are not, quite simply put, da bomb, the director is already talking about hiring me after i graduate, simply because "in the media industry, we don't really look at grades".

argh i still have fever! =\

i used to wonder if you did it subconsciously or otherwise; but the protective way you put your hand on the small of my back whenever we cross the road and the way you always make sure to stand on the side where the traffic is coming speaks volumes about the way you feel about... us?

is 'us' even a correct word to use in the first place... haha.

have not seen you much during the holidays this time around, and will not be seeing you much during the rest of the holidays to come. khon kaen, penang, mindshare, reservist, all getting in the way.

people say it gets easier as time goes by, because you've gone through it before. i'm sure beijing and thailand last year was tough too. yet somehow i feel quite sad about it this time. sad because... i guess i had a choice. i could have chosen not to do the internship, could have chosen not to take up the million and one commitments i have now, but had i done so, i would be one of those girls who make mindless sacrifices and compromise themselves for a guy. i'm not that sort of girl, and you know that of me.

i keep thinking of this hokkien song, sung by duh who else, haha. but seriously, ah shin has the most moving lyrics, whether he's writing in chinese or hokkien.

是你的形影 叫我逐天作眠梦
梦中可爱的人 伊不是别人
我的每一天 一分钟也不当轻松
你是阮爱的人 将我来戏弄

九月的风在吹 那会寒到心肝底
希望变无望 决定我的一世人

I Love You 无望 你甘是这款人
没法度来作阵 也没法度将我放
I Love You 无望 我就是这款人
我身边没半项 只有对你的思念 陪伴我的每一天





miss you already...

i can't over the wuyuetian concert!! it was so so so much better than final home in 2005. the crowd went absolutely wild cuz they were so damn good, and so many people (yes yours truly is guilty as charged) were standing on the chairs dancing and singing our hearts out. it was so so fun. i can't wait for them to come back in about, say, 2 years' time? note to self: please buy early so you can get $148 tix next time!!

xiang shui MV



wo you chu lian le MV. AH XIN IS SO ZAI OMGOMGOMG



zui zhong yao de xiao shi MV. damn sweet song! think if any guy sings this to a girl the girl will be so so touched. AH XIN IS SO ZAI OMGOMGOMG.



ah xin singing one of the first wu yue tian songs i loved - wen rou! eeks he's so talented can play guitar and so cute SIGH i almost touched his shoulder ok!!!!! faint.



wu yue tian doing an encore at the JUMP! concert in hongkong - a medley of the cover version of beyond's paradise and jue jiang!



k should stop being so biased. i love guang you, masa, guai shou and shi tou also!!! especially masa, who showed other talents when he did a very nice piano rendition of coldplay's yellow. :))

WO AI WU YUE TIAN!!!!!!!! L! O! V! E! L-O-V-E!! LIAN AI-ING, HAPPY, I-N-G! XING QING JIU XIANG SHI, ZHUO SHANG, YI TAI BEN SE JI!!!

1) guess who's going to watch tatler unveil its new look this friday? =D

2) I LOVE WU YUE TIEN MANY MANY MUCH MUCH DEEP DEEP. PLEASE COME BACK SOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!

erm. i think i just said something i shouldn't have said.

shit.

random snippets of my day:

1) today i realised that no matter what, people will always judge. and i should learn to let go and not let what other people have been saying or think about me bother me at all.

2) pumpkin barfed a hairball all over both my blankets. so now they're wet and gross. don't know how i'm going to sleep tonight.

3) CEOs and group directors can be as silly/kooky as you or i, especially when placed in weird situations like company bowling tournaments.

4) i earned a frickin 8. dollars. today. 8. dollars. 8 dollars. after putting in so much effort, 8 dollars. i can't get over it!!!! 8 dollars. stupid.

5) i am sad and tired.

6) am carrying a lot of burdens which i just wish would go away.

7) there are far too many things to be done.

cheerio, bye.

1st day of work tomorrow.

I SCCCCAAAAAARRRRRRREEEEEEED.

this week's secrets are beautiful. some made me smile, others made my snigger, and there were one or two that were very sad.

www.postsecret.blogspot.com

i've been quite happy these few days. after months of rejection in several areas of my life and feeling generally disheartened about everything, things seem to be finally picking up.

one of the things that keep me looking forward to the days to come are my friends. i've been so busy catching up with people this past week that i realised how much of a drag school actually was, unless my friends were there.

shall upload my happening photos soon. especially yina's 21st. haha. what a riot. we had so much fun. jacq doesn't seem to like me much, though. every time i try to entertain her with my singing she gives a visibly distressed face.

:)

WAH PIANG STUPID ALVIN!!!! hahahaha

ALVIN DEDICATED A BLOG POST TO ME! COMPLETE WITH PICTURES, HONORARY AWARD BESTOWED AND FAKE THANKSGIVING SPEECH.

"I'm exhilarated that the society of Fag Hag Association has conferred me the title "Fag Hag 2007". I've been dying to receive this reputation for years. Finally the moment has arrived."

"... Since young, I knew I was a Fag Hag. It is no surprise that I took Theatre Studies in VJC and enrolled in FASS in NUS as these places are filled with gays."

see my face, it's super reluctant.

i will miss you, my GGF (go figure). have fun in shanghai, buy something back for me please! i will miss you, but not as much as i am missing jinwei the plant. HAHA eew.

I couldn't help but to notice the aptness of what was preached last Sunday during sermon; the whole issue of Uncertainty. At first I was chortling to myself (I laugh to myself everytime I hear the word 'uncertainty' for reasons obvious to only me and perhaps Chris), but then I soon felt that this would be the very word that would sum up the nature of the impending week.

Uncertain. Everything has been so uncertain this week. As I mentioned, I've been sitting at home twiddling my thumbs, revolving my life around rehearsals, to the extent that I can't really organise outings or make arrangements for my new tuition assignment just yet. To top it off, I'm waiting for two answers that will determine how my holidays will be spent.

The first was answered; positively. I signed up for the position of coordinator with Startutor on a whim, thinking that the job scope was relatively flexible and offered a reasonable wage. On Sunday, I headed down to SMU for the interview, and was momentarily daunted by the number of applicants (the stack of resumes were THICK, and I had a very late interview slot) and the surprisingly stringent nature of the interview. Honestly, when the HR person told me "We'll get back to you", I left feeling very disheartened and thinking that I wouldn't get the job. I mean, what were my chances, seeing the number of applicants? (Ah, the defeatist in me speaks). Needless to say, I was surprised when I received a call from them this morning saying that I got the job. It's quite good, can work from home and such.

However, I wasn't as happy. Today, Wednesday (or rather, yesterday, seeing how it's 2am right now), was supposed to be the day I get my posting for the internship. Truth be told, while the Startutor job offers better pay (I mean, internship what, duh what pay!), I would have been so happy if they got back to me. That was the one thing that was so important to me, and first I waited so long for the interview, then I'm now waiting for the pending outcome of my application to work there.

Then, while I am waiting, the defeatist in me kicks in with aplomb and starts to mess around my head with neurotic nuances like "Maybe I wasn't sleek enough", or "Stupid me, I should have just told them that I wouldn't mind a position with the interactive media department", but I couldn't lie. When the HR manager interviewed me, and I told her that my expertise was not interactive media, I was just shooting myself in the foot. This is especially so, when I've been predicting market trends in media consumption and telling my mother that "Digital" is on the rise. And here I was, telling her that I'm not majoring in that aspect? That just cut my chances by half. I was so so dumb. Even more so when that particular company is very accomplished in digital media advancements. They had an opening for me in the Research department, which I was even excited about, despite the fact that I hated NM2102. I mean, I seriously don't think one needs to apply anything else other than linear regression in media research. It's all about predicting causes and effects. Ok, not the most politically correct answer, but that's what a certain friend who used to work in media research told me.

I am passionate about this industry. It's not about the press events, or the freebies that I can get. It really turns me off whenever I go for focus groups, and people get all starry eyed when they talk about working in the industry because of the chi-chi events and free things they can get. That's secondary. I just adore the nature of the job; I could totally run on the adrenaline of churning out unreasonable deadlines (which is really a talent I have come to hone at NUS, hurr), how it practicalises creativity, and most of all, how it is such a pervasive medium and henceforth relevant to the society. Media planning, negotiation, investment, implementation; I want to be a part of all of these so badly. If there is any industry that I am confirm plus chop so keen on, it's this one.

Can't hide my feelings on this one; if I don't get this gig, I'd feel very, very disheartened.

went to watch midsummer's night dream on sunday with ryan. i got so bored waiting for him that i decided to erm, go shopping.

now here i am revelling in my buys, and i have come to the conclusion that these babies are either extremely
1) cool
or
2) boliao

but that's what this post-exam jubilation has done for me. my brain is moosh now, and it needs gadgets of its present calibre to occupy itself.

so i bought this:














isn't it SUPER COOL!! it makes noise and even lights up, and you have to slot coins inside to play one time. i filled it with random knick-knacks like sweets, a bunny charm (which everyone in my family has been trying to catch), even my old VJ badge. haha. my dad made a ruckus when he read the name of the catcher; go figure. hahahaha.

then i bought this toy too. first saw it on hard gay, and it's really damn fun to play! you have to keep slotting swords into these random holes until the pirate pops out of the barrel. if you kena, you lose. hahaha








hmm yes i won't even talk about the play. wouldn't do my new toys justice wahaha.

(i didn't really like it.)

sometimes one may realise that money isn't everything.

currently i have quite a fair bit of it, but i still feel somewhat... sad? perhaps it is loneliness or pensiveness. i am not sure. perhaps it is an uncertainty i feel, because there are a couple of pending questions that will be answered this week. also, it seems that i have to plan my time around my rehearsals, which are also uncertain. maybe that's it. right now i feel like my life is uncertain. hmm.

maybe i just need to blow my hard-earned cash on shopping, hoho.

or maybe i just need to sit at my desk and count money, would that make me happy? probably not, if i know that it will be all gone soon.

for some reason i still feel broke. so weird right?

i am strange.

soundbites:

Mummy: Aiyah, this daddy ah, don't know where he running off to.
Ryan: Haha, he works in ways we cannot comprehend.
(pause)
Me: ... Sounds like God.

sometimes i hate the fact that i live in tampines, and my school is in clementi.

it was a rainy day today. and the traffic was horrible. usually i only need 30 mins if i take a drive to school, and that's including some traffic.

today i left the house at 8, hoping i could reach there at 8.30 to do a bit of refresher before the paper.

for the first time, 9.33 kept reporting, avoid this road, avoid that road, and murphy's law baby, they mentioned tampines and bedok. which are like the only two areas i can exit by, from where i live. the traffic was so bad i only reached my exam hall at 9.20. my heart fell when the clock struck 9.00 at clementi area. i was so close yet still caught in that stupid jam. very frustrating.

my heart fell even more after the paper. even if i did manage to take a second booklet despite havinga 20 minute setback, i felt it wasn't my best. if i don't get an A for this module, i'd feel so horrible. usually i'm not the kind who cares about getting perfect scores. i mean, B+ makes my day. but i really feel that theatre is something i can do effortlessly, and if i don't get an A, i think i'll feel like i lost the only thing that could have pulled my CAP up this sem.

back to 2102. i hate statistics, they bore the shit out of me. not the median mode mean sec sch stuff, i mean ANOVA, t-test, crosstabs, regression and CRAP. arghhhhh

Think of me
think of me fondly,
when we've said goodbye.
Remember me
once in a while -
please promise me
you'll try.

FIRMIN
Andre, this is doing nothing for my nerves.

ANDRE
Don't fret, Firmin.

CHRISTINE
When you find
that, once
again, you long
to take your heart back
and be free -
if you
ever find
a moment,
spare a thought
for me

(Transformation to the Gala. CHRISTINE is
revealed in full costume)


We never said
our love
was evergreen,
or as unchanging
as the sea -
but if
you can still
remember
stop and think
of me . . .

Think of all the things
we've shared and seen -
don't think about the things
which might have been . . .

Think of me,
think of me waking,
silent and
resigned.

Imagine me,
trying too hard
to put you
from my mind.

Recall those days
look back
on all those times,
think of the things
we'll never do -
there will
never be
a day, when
I won't think
of you . .

(Applause, bravos. Prominent among the bravos, those
of the young RAOUL in the MANAGERS' box)

RAOUL
Can it be?
Can it be Christine?

Bravo!

(he raises his opera-glasses)

What a change!
You're really
not a bit
the gawkish girl
that once you were...

(lowering his opera-glasses)

She may
not remember
me, but
I remember
her...

CHRISTINE
We never said
our love
was evergreen,
or as unchanging
as the sea -
but please
promise me,
that sometimes
you will think of me!


***

RAOUL
No more talk
of darkness,
Forget these
wide-eyed fears.
I'm here,
nothing can harm you -
my words will
warm and calm you.

Let me be
your freedom,
let daylight
dry -your tears.
I'm here,
with you, beside you,
to guard you
and to guide you . . .

CHRISTINE
Say you love me
every
waking moment,
turn my head
with talk of summertime . . .

Say you need me
with you,
now and always . . .
promise me that all
you say is true -
that's all I ask
of you . . .

RAOUL
Let me be
your shelter,
let me
be your light.
You're safe:
No-one will find you
your fears are
far behind you . . .

CHRISTINE
All I want
is freedom,
a world with
no more night . . .
and you
always beside me
to hold me
and to hide me . . .

RAOUL
Then say you'll share with
me one
love, one lifetime . . .
Iet me lead you
from your solitude . . .

Say you need me
with you
here, beside you . . .
anywhere you go,
let me go too -
Christine,
that's all I ask
of you . . .

CHRISTINE
Say you'll share with
me one
love, one lifetime . . .
say the word
and I will follow you . . .

BOTH
Share each day with
me, each
night, each morning . . .

CHRISTINE
Say you love me . . .

RAOUL
You know I do . . .

BOTH
Love me -
that's all I ask
of you . . .

(They kiss)

Anywhere you go
let me go too . . .
Love me -
that's all I ask
of you . .



ssssiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i want to watch again.

I hope this is not true, but if it is I am scared.

A certain gahmen's economic strategy
"create significant inequalities and significant poverty"
- which would explain their reluctance to increase welfare benefits, but create a furore on how they should be paid in wages on par with those in the private sector

"strives to be the first but at the cost of efficiency and the ultimate well-being of the people"
- which our education system is really a microcosm of, 'nuff said
- which gave rise to meritocracy. and how many of us actually believe in meritocracy?

"While the Hong Kong government has emphasised a policy of laissez faire, the (*&*%^$%*^ gahmen has, since the early 1960s, pursued the accumulation of physical capital via forced national savings... S*#^#^#* has one of the lowest returns to physical capital in the world. The days in which S@($&@%& can continue to sustain accumulation driven growth are clearly outnumbered."

the main reason why i decided not to pursue my dreams of becoming a journalist... i don't want to become a mouthpiece, the doll of a ventriloquist.

> Subject: TS($#&%*^% Exam Format
>
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> This is (!$&*^$!%*$@^% and I am writing with regards to the TS(#&$*#@! final exam
> format. I wish to clarify with you if the exam requires us to answer
> one question pertaining to our practical exam or will there be a
> series of questions similar to the format of past year papers?
> I understand from the lecture sessions that the final exam should test
> based on our practical presentation. However some of my tutorial mates
> have raised raised queries on the format due to the confusion from
> past year papers. As such I wish to clarify this with you.
>
> Thank you for your time. I look forward to your reply to clarify my
> doubt.
>
> Regards,
XXX(*$&@#!$*@#

THE REPLY (this is PRICELESS)

"The written exam tests knowledge of the WHOLE course and application of theory to practice - and not just questions on the practical presentation. The presentation is used as source material or reference point for a larger discussion regarding the two approaches to acting. There will be a series of questions and not just one question, as in the past year's papers. You would be in trouble if you think that you do not have to study your theory or refer to the work (journals/ practical work/ discussions etc) done over the course to prepare for the paper. "

Thanks

G*r*ld

YOU TELL ME, WHERE GOT TEACHER ANSWER QUESTION LIKE THE STUDENT OWES HIM A LIVING? NUS PAY YOU MONEY TO SIT AROUND AND DRINK COFFEE AND MAKE CONDESCENDING FACES AT STUDENTS RIGHT!

he didn't even tell us what the exam format was. didn't even have the DECENCY to. hate him. i bet he's on scholarship bond, if not they should've fired him a long time ago.

good things come in threes.

just got a job offer from an NGO in cambodia, to do marketing for them. free accomdation for 3 months. how cool is that???????

unfortunately, i am now torn =(

i have to go for an interview at MindShare Group next week!

damn huge media company.

i scared scared!!! x( xD

it's 9.28am, and here i am in the school library feebly attempting to mug amidst the noise of shuffling papers, keyboard tapping and off-key singing. yes, i hear the straining sound of Sukiyaki or sakura, or toriyaki, or takobachi WHATEVER lah.

today is the day of my uncertainty exam, and the only productive thing i did yesterday, or rather, to closest thing to productivity i could muster was to stare at the notes blankly. so here i am trying to salvage the consequence of my laziness.

strained voice in the background has progressed to an extremely painful falsetto-ed version of code red's All I Want is You. sigh. the things we all go through to get some studying done.

OMG! i just received the email stating that i got into Theatreworks' Sandbox#1!!

tentative plans:

1) learn driving
2) internship at MindShare
3) make accessories until i lose my mind
4) clarkequay night flea with yunwen
5) vcf arts comm camp
6) OG chalet with RUMBLE!!!!
7) cafe del mar with the genevieve
8) must go out with chris before i lose her to sheares and stanford
9) TK gang!
10) acting in THEATREWORKS production!!
11) MAYDAY JUMP CONCERT!!
12) pre-camp for VCF arts comm
13) go out with eunice =p
14) go out with alvin and jinwei the freak =p (OMG i'm FH of the year sobsss)
15) fill in the blanks
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today i:

1) compiled a report draft
2) did 2/3 of the layouts for epistole
3) studied 3 chapters for theories

somewhat productive, i guess.

and tomorrow:

1) must... do... 6 chapters
2) phantom of the opera

can't wait for exams to be over. then can go ouuuuttttt.

tentative plans:

1) learn driving
2) internship at MindShare
3) make accessories until i lose my mind
4) clarkequay night flea with yunwen
5) vcf arts comm camp
6) OG chalet with RUMBLE!!!!
7) cafe del mar with the genevieve
8) must go out with chris before i lose her to sheares and stanford
9) TK gang!
10) fill in the blank
11) fill in the blank
12) ibid
13) ibid
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my cat is sleeping on the bed and making such queer noises...