Now We Also Hate Miranda July
A bunch of people are perpetually and loudly super-annoyed by indie director-author Miranda July, who is inevitably described as "elfin" or "pixieish" or "ethereal" in profiles, but we've only ever been able to get mildly peeved at her. Mostly because the ))<>(( scene in Me You and Everyone We Know made us actually squirt Coke out our nose (no, not into someone else's nose forever). But on page 32 of this month's Jane, she squandered that goodwill by recommending a book by someone that you've never heard of but who we absolutely despise. The reason you've never heard of him is that we have been doing our utmost to protect you from his spammy, retarded, deceptive, always on the verge of interesting but never actually interesting Internet stunts. But we've long been planning an all Tao Lin edition of Glaring Omissions and, well, today's the day.
It begins:
Hello,More spam along these lines followed. MUCH MORE. Like, sometimes every day. And then, there was a Craigslist ad so obnoxious it almost had to be fake, about five writers looking to share an intern. We pursued it for four emails until we got this one:
I'm a hot young (b. 1983) writer who went to NYU. My forthcoming books have ironic covers. Miranda July is inside the novel. I'm ambitious, sexy, and intelligent. My IQ is 173. I recognize both existential truths and the necessity of politics for a meaningful existence.
Though all meaning is arbitrary it can still be used as a tool just like arbitrary rules can be created to make life "better." I hope you understand.
I hope you recognize that I'm hot, young, that I went to NYU, and have ironic book-covers. I think you know what all this means.
Sincerely,
Tao Lin
This is Tao Lin right now. I shouldn't speak for the other people. I wrote the posting. It cost $25. It is "for real." I have assigned tasks to many interns already. If you want to help me get more interns that would be good. I want army of interns. I met my publisher today and he kept saying, "Army of interns."Tao Lin strikes again! Oh, and: a sincere applicant to the"intern army" forwarded us this email Tao Lin had sent her in response to her email about employment:
Dear Alice,Of course Alice was surely Tao Lin too. Since then, Tao Lin has kept us apprised of his daily activities way more than our actual friends do. "good morning. i am going to baltimore today. i am going to read in baltimore. at atomic pop. have a good day. i will be emailing you again soon," reads a representative missive.Thank you for applying to be an intern. I accept you. I am one of the five writers. My name is Tao Lin. My books, EEEEE EEE EEEE and BED, are forthcoming from Melville House Publishing. I have flyers for those books with Miranda July blurb on them. I would like for you to superglue flyers for my books onto Starbucks windows and also inside Starbucks, on their sofas and walls. It would be good if you could cover an entire glass window with my 4x6 glossy, two-sided flyers. You can do this at 3 a.m. If you get caught and get in trouble that is okay. That is part of this internship. Let me know if you are interested and I'll mail you about 200 flyers. You can start with the Astor place Starbucks. I'll have more tasks for you after this.
Sincerely,
Tao Lin
It's like being poked on Facebook every hour by someone you don't know or like but the Facebook is your email.
Tao Lin, I know you're reading this. I just want you to know that because of your ill-conceived self-marketing strategy, you have 100% guaranteed that I will never read your damned book with its oh-so-wacky title. Dennis Cooper might love you, but that doesn't mean a thing to us. (Hey, maybe he'll chop you up!) Your publicity games aren't a play on fame-seeking or celebrity culture. Actually, you're maybe perhaps the single most irritating person we've ever had to deal with—and you wouldn't believe our in-box. Stop it. Stop it now. And now we will go back to never mentioning you again.
WED JUN 27 2007 AT 12:47 pm
BY EMILY
8,134 views
I'm dropping out of college because of this.
This reee eeee eeeeks of a Dave Eggers side-project.
Oh, no, now you've done it. You know what happens when you give these people even a scintilla of attention. Now you've encouraged him. You're going to regret it.
Just reading about this makes me sick.
OH Miranda, you should know better than pushing the Gallant Gallstone, you are so off the list for promoting this 2-bit no talent metathief hack.
And Tao, I met my publisher today and he kept saying, "Army of manuscripts." The Tao of Tao is obviously the Path of Wu wei.
"If you get caught and get in trouble that is okay."
So, in addition to college credit (which I'm doubtful Tao Lin will be offering), will he be compensating his indentured servant with bail money and lawyer's fees?
I loved Tao Lin on South Park. Oh, wait, that was Tao Lee.
so much anger! eee eee eeeee made me squirt coke out of my nose.
I'm Tao Lin.
Thank you for this public service announcement regarding the "EEEEE Boy" and his literary triumphs.
In fact, I believe that this is worthy of martyr status which (with either 3 miracles or lots of cash directed to the Vatican)can then move you into sainthood. Saint Balk. Has a nice ring to it.
Well, don't stay mad at Miranda July, ok?
I'll squirt Coke into his nose, if you want.
I am picturing him in oversize "ironic" neon sunglasses, with coke powder around his mouth. For a second I thought that might actually make me like him better, but no. No. Emphatically NOT.
Oh, God. We aren't going to get another internet "It" boy out of this, are we?
Somehow, I can't help but think this is somehow related:
[gawker.com]
Liar! I'm Tao Lin!
Don't sweat it. I would never read a book recommended by Jane magazine.
Kenneth Eng must have a lot of time on his hands in the clink. What's the sound a dragon makes?
If he really does "end up getting pushed off a building", it could be quite a satisfying read.
Tao Lin gets props for dragging Miranda July down with him. She's like this generation's version of David Byrne: her wide-eyed I'm-from-Mars-humans-are-weird cutesiness compromises every one of her achievements.
If anyone's remotely interested in tailing this guy, it's "Atomic Books," not "atomic pop" in B'more. I actually like that place, but if they hosted someone as dumb as this, I might not recommend them so heartily.
I still think Miranda July's cute.
It's funny that having an IQ of 172 doesn't give you the intelligence or common sense not to trumpet that little bit of trivia whenever you get the chance. Why is that?
Irony sensors on the blink today, people? .
Tao Lin is an anagram for Nolita. Which is where I saw Ben Kunkel once. You do the math.
I'd like to ask his "army of interns" to stop requesting my friendship on goodreads.com. I don't share my undying love of Baby-Sitters Club Super Special #1: Baby-Sitters On Board with strangers.
Miranda July is the epitome of everything I hated about art school. She's so "whimsical"! She's so "indie"! Yeah, indie enough to be in Jane and Domino magazines. Vah-mit.
I'm pretty sure Tao Lin is an alter-ego of my stalker ("M") in the Philippines, who sent me this today:
When will M Die ? Why does it takes so Long . ! ? two cans of sardines is a flashback for me.
Before there's no Reason for me to live. It's a very much anticipation for the sports world and media. Maybe now there is.
all i can remember is a red violet Flag on National news. that's all . Nothing else.
M is so full by eating 8 southern fried. she's so full so m asked me to wrtie unto. ?
Not to mention the ever demonic creatures.
@Esther Will: This is not ironic, this is unfortunate.
Everyone insisting that they are Tao Lin (I'm totally Tao Lin, by the way), makes me think that this has the makings of a 'Fight Club' style cult. For uber-doofuses. Or maybe I'm just imagining that this goofball (who I am) looks like Meat Loaf. With man breasts.
i never understood why anyone liked miranda july in the first place.
@gonzosmom: Um?? I am proud of this and I want credit?
@zaky: So, you hate Miranda July, and you hate Lily Allen. You know this basically means that you hate fun and life, and no one will ever invite you to dinner parties.
I'm sure it would be easier to hate Miranda July for her various efforts if she didn't actually succeed at all of them. "It ain't bragging if you done it", after all.
Wait! Fuck! I've figured it out:
[thisismycomputerblog.blogspot.com]
@Schadenfrau:
Ha ha so funny! Whenever somebody mentions an Asian person we don't like, we can mention another Asian person we don't like! Because they're all the same. And because a name like Tao Lin is so wacky and foreign it sends us into paroxysms of orientalism. And because Gawker commenters are a bunch of 300-pound rednecks from Oklahoma.
@Mediahohoho: It's like people who went to Harvard. Somehow, this one achievement hasn't given them the insight to know that nobody gives a crap and there's no need to begin every conversation by announcing it the first thing.
Haaaaa haaa haaaa. I have never seen someone work their blurbs so hard. Not to mention the lame, rambling blog...
@DocNoodle: And the Fight Club cult wasn't for uber-doofuses?
e@LennyShimizu:
Actually, the only substantial difference between Tao Lin and Kenneth Eng is that (so far) Dennis Cooper only has naked photos of the former.
@LennyShimizu: Sorry, but race is the least of the similarities there. And to clarify- I'm a 307 pound hillbilly from West Virginia, so stop stereotyping.
@Otto-Reimer: Oh, absolutely, yes, that too. But between this and and Inster post, just sorta wondering.
@LennyShimizu: But dude, this is #3 -- Crazians are officially a trend!
@Pope John Peeps II:
that's the texas motto.
It's fine not to talk about how overrated Miranda July is, or the irritating monotone with which Tao reads his twee little tales, but I can't believe you omitted his feud with Whitney Pastorek.
For those of you who weren't reading Gawker nine months ago, Tao knowingly and egregiously violated the first serial rights of an online magazine that had agreed to publish him, and upon being caught issued the most bombastic, bullshit-filled pomo screed about how "respect" and "first serial rights" are just constructs anyway.
And the dude also shits down the throat of all that is good in literature by constantly hating on Nabokov and Rushdie.
so does this mean i can publish what i wrote the night i passed out on the "R" key?
"Maybe perhaps the single most irritating person we've ever had to deal with!!!"
--Emily Gould, Gawker.com
That is so going on the book jacket.
You know, speaking of Tao Lin and Facebook:
[nyu.facebook.com]
He contributes to his fan club too!
[facebook.com]
The comments on the wall are fantastic.
@Ha Ha Sound: I guess I went to NYU doesn't have the same ring, but that doesn't stop him either.
i'm reading "bed" right now. it's good.
Miranda July's movie was boring.
Is it sacrilegious to blam the absence of contractions and the annoyingly short, declarative sentences on John Hodgman?
That is all.
@ellagood: John Cage would say yes. Just justify it by saying it is the absence of all the other characters but R, and the challenge of the construct is for the reader to build their own stories by inserting their own letters. And remember the key to this type of art-douchery, if anyone calls you out on it, either insult their intelligence (gotta have a 170+ IQ to understand!) or their inability to get art for arts sake.
I, for one, would actually like to watch this kid self-destruct. So can you keep us posted?
And speaking as a former MFA student who has witnessed some of the most violently erotic acts of young author douchbaggery, he will self-destruct!
@Otto-Reimer: RRRRR RRR
Macaroni.
ps: Socks on your ears is not "cute" or "eccentric."
"...we have been doing our utmost to protect you from his spammy, retarded, deceptive, always on the verge of interesting but never actually interesting Internet stunts."
If only you had adopted this policy for Julia Allison.
I fear that Tao Lin will be a Gawker Pinup by September.
@Pope John Peeps II:
Define "success". I love lots of things. Just not Shitty Allen and Miranda July.
I'm a little out of practice, but let's see:
"A book by someone you've never heard of ... glaring omission .... on the verge ... interesting ... sincere .... way more than our actual friends ...100% guaranteed. "
-- Emily Gould, Gawker
@Otto-Reimer: No no no no. Well, sort of. Ellagood would have to say something like: "blah blah blah breaking down writing into its physical manifestation blah blah I Ching chance operations blah blah blah nothing." Something like that. Then blast an email or 12 on over to all of the Gawker editors at once.
I'm not just this because I'M TAO LIN, but Miranda July is a badass.
@zaky: Well, I guess you could define "good" as "performs their craft with skill" or "praised by lots of people who know what they're talking about". I guess in a related story, I now define "taste" as "the opposite of whatever Zaky thinks".
@ellagood: You've just written half the screenplay for the remake of 'Rin Tin Tin.'
Have your people call my little people.
@Otto-Reimer: I hope you don't think I was criticizing anyone's inability to get art for arts sake. These emails are crap. But I think he probably fancies them some sort of performance art, and posting this stuff to Gawker gives him exactly the kind of platform that he's looking for.
I have to believe that lines like "I hope you recognize that I'm hot, young, that I went to NYU, and have ironic book-covers. I think you know what all this means," are just very unsuccessful attempts at satire.
No one could be that big of an ass, right? (Please, everyone, let me keep this one last naive illusion. It comforts me.)
@ellagood: I agree, Rip RetaRded wRiteRs Reconstructed Rectums of goatse-poRn.
@kellyhere: There is nothing worse than a performance artist from the suburbs who has nothing to say. As for getting art for arts sake, I side with the dadaists. And Lin proves they were right.
You know? I suck at Gawker commenting. I'll see myself out, thanks.
So, the opposite of all Asians is 300 lb. rednecks from Oklahoma and if you don't like Miranda July and Lilly Allen then you hate life and won't be invited to dinner parties?? I'm learning so much. Thank you, Gawker comments!
tao lin is actually elijah wood's adopted step-brother from another marriage with his cousin to dave eggars. this makes more sense if you close your eyes and picture it. he is currently dating miranda july and alice his intern. the only reason he wrote those books was to follow through on bet he made with the devil. but it turns out the devil was actually john updike.
Weird. Did you see this comment below from a friend of hers in Portland over at The Huffington Post?
"In answer to Nick Antosca's query, Miranda July, like her sometime friend singer Beck Hansen, is also a second generation Scientologist.
Her parents' "publishing company" is a hippy dippy mishmash of titles reflecting his sect's interest in Martians and ghosts and Thetans and pseudo-Buddhist claptrap. (See link below.)
So Miranda July (nee Miranda Grossinger, schooled in Scientological ways in this cult's largest "alternative" school in Portland) also has the Church of Scientology's huge money and promotional appartus behind her.
She hides the association with this cult when it seems un-bohemian to be associated with them, and then accepts their aggro publicist and Hollywood force behind the scenes when promoting herself and her wan artistic emanations....."
[www.northatlanticbooks.com]
@LennyShimizu: In all fairness (to me), I did not unfairly compare one Asian-Amerian writer to another. I unfairly compared an Asian-American writer to a cartoon drug-addicted towel. So we're still good, right?
Douchebag Hall of Fame in the making. I like the set up. I'm waiting for the video.
@the rzo: wow, good inside scoop! but re: the content of your post: eeeew, eeew, eew.
Miranda has always struck me as being full of caca.
@Pope John Peeps II:
Wow. Are you actually Miranda July or something? Incognito? What's with the personal attack? I actually paid to study video art for 4 years of my life; that means I watched Miranda July videos and hated each one.
Hi,
I am a Tao Lin intern. I've been interning since May. I simply asked to be his intern. Tao has kept me busy. I've emailed Gawker four or five times, but no one writes me back. This makes me sad. I told Tao how sad this made me. He said, that's okay, just review me for other people's books and Amazon. Or get an interview for me in The Stranger. So I emailed The Stranger. I told them that Tao masturbates to The Stranger. For some reason, this didn't work. Please post about Tao more often. Everytime you post, I get free stolen moleskines. I like moleskines. Thank you.
@BritneysBaldHoohoo: Me You and Everyone We Know thought her movie was boring. Serious artist does not mean good one.
He got published in Noon...And his poetry reads like someone describing a cutesy Threadless T-shirt.
@zaky: It's Peeps. He's Canadian, and they have federal quotas for Adorably Quirky content. You can come to my Miranda July-free parties anytime.
Although she charmed me with the website written in dry-erase marker on household appliances, this seems to betoken a return to form.
Also, you can't spell WEEENIEEEE without EEEEE EEEE.
jane still exists?
I'm actually Tao's brother, he has turned into quite a little monster. I heartily approve.
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