A new story Tao Lin wrote expressly for this blog day

Expensive Art Books

by Tao Lin

Tony O 'Neill came in the Melville House Booth. I was in the Melville House Booth. We were at BEA, which is I think the Book Expo of America. I was signing books. I was signing the books and then the people were getting my books for free. Dennis Loy Johnson, co-founder of Melville House, gave Tony O 'Neill a beer. They talked a little and then I heard Dennis behind me say, "Who are you?" I focused on signing books. An old lady asked me to sign books for her grandchildren. She said her grandchildren were between 3 and 13. My books feature severely depressed people talking about killing rampages, killing themselves, and the shit of the world; a severely depressed dolphin that murders Elijah Wood after a failed suicide attempt; and the books use the words and phrases "fuck," "shit" "fucked," "killing rampage," "I'm going to kill myself," "we should kill ourselves," and "fuck America" about 100 times. The old lady picked up another Melville House book and said, "Hmm, 'The Little Girl and the Cigarette.'" She put the book down. "Not in my family," she said. I drew a giant squid in the book and gave her the book. She was happy. She walked away. The next person came and I drew a hamster and wrote "fucked" on the hamster's forehead. That person was also happy. That person walked away.

Tony O 'Neill came back later. "I ate a seven dollar pizza, the most expensive pizza I have ever eaten," he said. "I got two books. I got Lydia Davis and Philip Roth," I said. "We should go steal a lot of books," I said. "I picked up some books and the people came and told me I couldn't have those books," Tony said. "I don't know, I must look suspicious," Tony said, and then showed me his name-tag which was for someone named "Donald Hall," or something. The person who told Tony to come, to BEA, to meet him, had given him that name-tag. "Someone is probably tied up in the bathroom," I said. Tony and I saw some food and walked to it. I took some grapes. A woman stared at me with intense hatred and then said that those weren't for me.

We went to steal books. We saw some expensive art books. I picked up an expensive art book and walked away. I stood there. I stood for a few seconds. I saw Tony. Tony walked toward me with an expensive art book. We walked away together, each of us holding an expensive art book. Tony's expensive art book was sealed. "Nice job," I said. "Yours is sealed." We put the expensive art books in Tony's bag and Tony's bag was completely full. I felt happy and productive. "I sell Moleskines on ebay," I said. "I saw some Moleskines here," Tony said. "Moleskines," I said. "Where are the Moleskines?" We walked around looking for the Moleskines. "The Moleskines are in a corner somewhere," Tony said. "Where are the Moleskines," I said. Tony was wearing a "Bad Brains" T-shirt and someone said, "Awesome record, man," and walked away. Another person said almost the same thing to Tony and then didn't walk away but walked with Tony. Tony and I walked away from that man. We found no Moleskines. We found more art books. Tony said some names of photography people. I picked up a book called "Action" by Richard Kern and stood there by the art books. Tony skillfully gave me directions as to what to do. "Walk away now," Tony said. "Meet me one block over and to the right," Tony said. I walked away. "Victory," I thought calmly with real happiness. Tony walked to me. "Good job," Tony said. "That was good," Tony said. "We are good," I said.

I was reading at 4:30 p.m. It was almost 4:30 p.m. "We should get our own booth next year and use it as a storing place for books we steal," Tony said. "We can do our own author signings for fake books," I said. "Good idea," I thought pensively. Tony and I walked back to the Melville House booth and put our pile of stolen goods inside the booth, for safety. Tony O 'Neill looked at his cell phone. He normally did not use a cell phone. He was confused. I told him how to call back the person who had called him. It was his wife. But it was from a pay phone. "She is going to think I have been drinking and ignoring her," Tony said. "Just tell her we were on a stealing rampage," I said. "I will vouch for you," I said. "How many beers have you had?" I said. Tony said he had had two beers.

We met Melville House's publicist to find out where I was supposed to read at. Melville House's publicist had had four beers. We walked around. It was 4:15. A person told us where to go. Melville House's publicist went there. He went down an escalator. I stood with Tony O 'Neill. Tony's cell phone rang. I looked at Tony. "He is speaking to his wife, that is more important," I thought. I went down the escalator alone. It was around 4:25. I went to the McSweeney's booth and looked at them. There was one McSweeney's person and one Harpercollin's person. "Friends," I thought. "I saw your books, they look good," said Eli Horowitz. "Then get them and read them and tell Dave Eggers to read them and get Dave Eggers to review them for The New York Times Book Review," I thought calmly. "Oh, thank you," I said. I went to my reading. There were four people, many of which were the organizers. "It's the end of the day, people are tired," said the main organizer. She was grinning a little. I was grinning. I read about 2 pages of my book. I read loudly. I ran away from the stage and saw no Tony. "Where are you, Tony," I thought. I ran back to the Melville House booth. The stolen goods pile was still there. "You are still here," I thought. "Good."
----