Gawker

Each week, the 'New York Times' publishes wedding announcements from the newsworthy set. While it's true that you'll never find love and eventually you'll wind up settling for whoever's left, your sad little dreams put to a terrible end in some dingy rented hall that was the only place you and the schmuck you wound up with could afford, it's still nice to know that good things can happen to other, better people. Intern Alexis tallies the score from Vowland.

There were some good ones this week. Kyle Smith, author of "Love Monkey" got hitched to Sara Austin a Self mag editor, the son of the president of Julliard got married, as did the daughter of the executive producer of Lincoln Center Theater and the grandson of the chairman and chief executive of the Ford Motor Company... but it was Elizabeth Goldhirsh, daughter of the late magazine honcho Bernard Goldhirsh, and her non-money-grubbing husband Eric Yellin, who - despite having met on JDate -- brought it home. Here's why.

Each week, the 'New York Times' publishes wedding announcements from the newsworthy set. Why do they make you so bitter, you horrible little nitpicker? Why can't you just be happy for them? What's wrong with you? Intern Alexis breaks down who won in the Land Of Vows.

What a sad week it was for wedding announcements. A violin teacher and a "sales manager," whatever that is. Young lawyers in love. This chick is the lawyer for 1800Mattress.com, and clearly she left the last "S" off for savings because she got married in MICHIGAN. (Dearborn, but still.) These two baby shrinks are an unholy union of the outer boroughs and Jersey. Also there were a lot of average Jews. But then, lurking amongst these ordinary folks, wow: A sterling winner.

Intern Alexis, who usually applies a complicated ratings system to the couples featured in the Times' Weddings and Celebrations section to determine who has won the game of life, is out of town. So Emily is filling in. She doesn't believe in point systems, or the bourgeois institution of marriage.

So if Intern Alexis was here, we'd guess that Catherine Roach and Joshua Chafetz, who both graduated from Yale, she summa cum laude and he magna cum laude, would be the winners of Altarcations based on Yaliness alone. (They'd beat out New York Observer executive editor Peter Stevenson's wedding announcement, even though it's something of a shocker.) Roach's parents are even professors at Yale. Josh's parents are professors too. She's 27 and she's getting her doctorate in art history at Columbia and she's keeping her name—even though, hello? Crap name!—so she must be sort of a feminist. So it surprises us, in a way, to learn about her nuptials via the Times. Or actually, to learn about her nuptials at all. Because, when you think about it, marriage is a tool that the patriarchy uses to oppress women, just like it's always been. Oh, and love is a lie.