Tom Ford

Live from the pages of The Underminer: The Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life, we invited everyone's favorite frenemy to chime in from time to time on various hot topics. That's right, The Underminer has a Gawker column now. But keep trying! You'll get one someday! You trouper!
Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find the top hats—

Oh! Hi there! Sorry I didn't recognize you in your gussied up French footperson outfit. You're working here? At Tom's new store? As a cleaner? That explains the feather duster, ha ha! That's so great! more »

We hear today's New York mag profile of Tom Ford got tamed down a bit in late edits. While the published piece does contain lots of talk about his underpantsless junk, the actual description of said junk didn't make the final cut. "Nice and thick" is the summary description from one early reader of the piece. See? Now that's service journalism. And of Tom Ford's business, we'd expect nothing less. Now, back to your regular high-falutin' coverage.

The Vanessa Grigoriadis profile of Tom Ford runs at last in today's New York mag. "At 45, Ford is still the only handsome male fashion designer," she writes. (Ahem, Alexander McQueen!) Apart from that, there's not a shred of bitchiness. Says Tom Ford: "I know my value as a product, and I've divorced myself as a human from myself as a product." Also he has a Scottish butler named Angus, lives in the Carlyle Hotel in New York, and has two fox terriers. (Not mentioned in the profile, but, by his report, he really is monogamous with his gay homosexual lover, something we've always found both frustrating and informative.) He knows he's selling lifestyle: "We are running a business that's not for everyone, and I'm not trying to be an asshole, but some people can't afford it and maybe there is a sort of resentment about that." Weirdest of all, she opens the piece by talking extensively about seeing his, uh, unit—but then never tells us about it. Who knew Vanessa was a total cocktease?

Tom Ford After Sex [NY mag]

If this weekend's Journal Pursuits is to be believed, the centuries-long mega-trend of boys who want to be pretty like girls has colonized one more of the 5.5 human senses. Guys are buying perfumes by the likes of Burberry, John Varvatos, as well as Kenneth Cole's R.S.V.P., and Tom Ford's "Tuscan Leather" and "Tobacco Vanille"—many of which are "more evocative of women's perfumes than traditional male fragrances." But compared to such foppish florals, say the Journal's sniffers, Armani's new Attitude "exudes old-school machismo" with its lemon-coffee- lavender-cedar blend and Zippo-lighter bottle. Then again, Armani's new scent—let's call it 'Tude!—and its manliness might actually stem from something else altogether, according to crazy court records. more »

The Transom risked smelling like Tom Ford's darkest fantasies to attend the launch party for his new perfume, Tom Ford Black Orchid. Ford himself claims to have cultivated the "blackest orchid in history." Why a black orchid? "It's so elusive and mysterious and sensual," Ford said, later adding that the new fragrance "absolutely captures the essence of the black orchid." Susan Orlean, who was not in attendance, set the record straight, though: "As far as I know, there is no such thing as a black orchid, and from what I was told, it's botanically impossible." She added that orchids, as anyone who's read her book knows, have no scent. Still, she sent her best wishes: "Go for it, Tom. Keep at it, buddy!"
But that's not even our favorite quote from the item. No, that'd have to be the closer:

Vogue fashion giant Andr Leon Talley was getting in the elevator. He was draped in a snakeskin overcoat. A quick squirt for the road was offered to him. 'Oh darling, please stop it!' he said.

With races as locked-up as these seem, it can be hard to motivate oneself to wake up even earlier to make it to the polls. We know. Boy, do we ever know. So in case you need some convincing that the adorable 'I voted!' sticker is worth all that extra effort, the Daily News has rounded up some "celebrities" to explain the glory of performing your civic duty. Read, and be inspired.

This is a time in the United States when young people have the ability to follow their dreams and to be influential in a way that they have never been, in any other era in history in any other country. -- noted historian Emmy Rossum

Hopefully, we can find somebody who can restore the luster we once had, because I think George Bush, at least for me . . . Well, let's just leave it at that. I'm not going to do a Dixie Chicks moment. -- famously circumspect "fashion master" Tom Ford

Courtesy of Santa Fe's finest freaks, we can all enjoy a live webcam documenting the building of Tom Ford's New Mexico pleasure palace. Keep watching; he'll ask the workers to strip down any minute now for Vanity Fair's annual "Construction Issue."

Santa Fe Review (navigate to Cam 2 and 3)

We've known all along that the Vanity Fair Hollywood Issue (Now With More Tom Ford!) was sort of creeping us out. But other than for really obvious reasons -- naked-women/clothed-man; tit-biting; No With More Tom Ford! -- we didn't bother to figure out why. Fortunately, though, Salon's Rebecca Traister did. She performed some serious analysis of the issue, and now, thanks to her research, we can examine the true creepiness of Tom Ford's Hollywood:

Number of men pictured: 19
Average age of the men: 34

Number of women pictured: 17
Average age of the women: 31

Number of women over 30 pictured: 5
Number of women over 30 pictured for reasons other than being "The Breast Friends": 3

Number of female ass cracks pictured: 3
Number of naked, headless women pictured: 1
Number of manicured female feet pictured: 2
Number of disembodied female legs pictured, upside down: 1 pair
Number of giant, Dada-ist breasts pictured, on a golf course: 1
Number of women pictured propped in or on an automobiles: 2
Number of women photographed naked but posed to obscure genitalia: 5

• As if Valentine's Day weren't depressing enough, Nicole Richie will drag her lifeless limbs all over New York, distributing free samples of Dr. Pepper. Apparently, she's "fallen in love with the taste," but we're doubting she's actually tasted anything with caloric content since, say, last July. [AdFreak]
• Barbie gets back together with Ken. How'd he win her over? By donning a leather jacket, styling his hair like Orlando Bloom, and learning about Buddhism. Yes, we're still talking about the freaking dolls. [NYT]
• Seeing this picture confirms that we're about 2 days away from Tom Ford backlash. How about you? [Towleroad]
• The blogosphere continues to gobble up everything in its path, including the New York Times. Or so says Google. [Kottke]
• Lindsay Lohan and Ryan Adams. First vomit, then discuss. [IMDb]

• Icahn and Wasserstein unveil plan to break up Time Warner into four separate companies: Cable systems, entertainment products, AOL, and Time Inc. And if Time Inc. is alone again, maybe they'll even bring back the drinks cart. Please? [NYT]
• Brangelina spawn's baby pix likely to go for up to $4 million. Even our own mother doesn't think ours are worth that much. [NYP]
• More Page Six is coming! More Page Six is coming! Also, David Carr is a quasi-TV star. [NYO]
• God bless the web, which is saving the two non-Murdoch news networks. Also, Dick Cavett thinks Brokaw was drunk. [NYO]
• Why is Brian Williams, not the traditional Katie Couric, Bob Costas' sidekick for the Olympics opening parade? Either because Katie is busy with morning work, as NBC says, or maybe because the peacock doesn't want to build up anchor who's about to bolt. [Chicago Tribune]
• Tom Ford looks like Jeremy Piven, according to VF focus groupers. [WWD]

A reader writes:

We all gotta crap. That's why there are restrooms. We all gotta wash our hands afterward. That's why there are sinks. Guess Tom Ford never got that memo.

Our feelings about the Vanity Fair cover just went from jealous to sympathetic. Poor Scarlett and Keira, forced to get all fleshy with Mr. PeeHands.

[Image via Oh La La Paris]

The Times' Thursday Styles is like a bloodhound of fluff journalism, sniffing out the stories before they even break. Case in point: today brings us an exploration of the disproportionate number of successful gay males in the fashion industry to their straight, female counterparts. While Miuccia Prada and Donna Karan have built empires, notes the Gray Lady, the glittery buzz of being an "it" designer seems reserved for young gay men. Uh, no shit.

Nevertheless, the facts are compelling: Since 1986, The Council of Fashion Designers of America has given its Perry Ellis award for young talent to 8 women and 29 men, 20 of whom were/are openly gay. Bill Blass designer Michael Vollbracht, a self-proclaimed gay elitist, believes that women are too "confused" to design high fashion, and the sentiment can be summed up by former Gucci and YSL creative mastermind Tom Ford, who noted, "Men are often better designers for women than other women."

Thank you, gentlemen. You're right. A man truly understands how to design perfect slacks based on the potential for pre-menstrual bloating, or how to cut a slip dress so that it de-emphasizes those little globs of armpit fat. Men really ARE better at designing for women -- just like they're also better suited for business, parenting, driving, voting, and castration.

In Fashion, Who Really Gets Ahead? [NYT]

What's the only thing more secondhand-embarrassing than a disturbingly stylized W mag photo spread of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie playing house? Easy: A disturbingly stylized W mag photo spread of former Gucci dom Tom Ford lying naked in bed with women.

Tom Ford and the Fashion Bots [Towleroad]
Forbidden [W at Style.com]
Earlier: W Helps Brad and Angelina Jump the Shark of Love

Reports a pal from within 4 Times Sqaure today:

a friend of mine at vanity fair who wishes to remain anonymous urged that i pass on to you news that tom ford was hanging around the VF offices yesterday, and is shortly about to go to work there -- or at least to be given an office, apparently, and serve as a "consultant" for the VF oscar issue. i cannot verify any of this, of course, but i suppose that's the general idea with gossip, no?

Yes, yes it is. Confirmation, anyone, on this rumor's truth -- and also on what sort of consultation an erstwhile luxury-clothes designer provides will provide on the arts of either magazine-making or filmmaking?

• In Monday's issue of Time magazine's Style & Design, former Gucci prince Tom Ford tells editor Kate Betts that leaving Gucci "was horrible. I did not want to leave. I was deeply, deeply depressed for probably six months. I felt like my life might just end." Funny, we usually start feeling better about ourselves after we leave the Gucci store.
• Your tattoo of Interpol bassist Carlos D is forever, just like his herpes. [ToTC]
• Snoop Dogg will NOT have his image misappropriated, and his lawyer will fuck you doggystyle if you dare to do so. [TSG]
• Bomb Secretary Donald Rumsfeld will appear on Letterman next week. We didn't realize how funny that Iraq situation is 'till now! [AP]
• When all else fails, blame The Gays for Hurricane Katrina. God knows they started the Tsunami, too. [365gay]

· Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss is moving to Australia to run a 30-room brothel. [Page Six]
· Born Rich, the Sundance-featured documentary about spoiled NYC rich kids has been snapped up by HBO and will air in the fall. [Page Six]
· John Berger of Harper's won't let anyone quote from his work unless they add, "With millions of Americans, Mr. Berger is totally opposed to the unjustified war against Iraq—a land of drought." [Liz Smith]
· Gucci and Yves Saint Laurent designer Tom Ford is a porn connoisseur: "I watch straight porn movies as well as gay porn movies." He also tells sex expert Shere Hite that he imagines himself as every character. [NY Daily News]
· The New York State Trial Lawyers Association is launching a campaign against five insurance company CEOs they're referring to as the "Gang of Five." [The Word]