• Lindsay Lohan pays her fifth visit to the ER this year, having fractured her wrist in two places after slipping and falling in her Chanel boots. So much for being Karl Lagerfeld's BFF. [Us Weekly]
• Mel Gibson emerges to walk his only daughter down the aisle. If she'd married a Jew, however, he'd just have stayed home. [TMZ]
• Alec Baldwin tells GQ that ex-wife Kim Basinger's unkind words about him were so awful, he wanted to die. Calling the guy Saddam Hussein really cuts to the quick. [Page Six]
• A second autopsy is still inconclusive about the cause of death for Anna Nicole Smith's late son, Daniel. He was taking anti-depressants (wouldn't you?), though there's nothing to indicate a suicidal overdose. [Fashion Week, one unnamed A-lister demanded $25K, first-class airfare, and her pick of the clothes. Doesn't matter who the A-lister was -- what designer is so desperate for wattage as to concede to this crap? [R&M; (bottom)]
• Bruce Willis will say just about anything so that you don't call him a Republican. [Lowdown]
• Mary-Kate Olsen protects her mystery dirtbag boyfriend from the Richards sisters' vaginas by aggressively sucking face at Bungalow. [Page Six]

• Gays, hold on to your pants, because the ugly is about to get uglier: David Gest, estranged husband of Liza Minnelli, is requesting that the court disregard the duo's prenup, as Liza failed to disclose that she was a herpetic alcoholic with violence issues. Even more horrifying: this implies that Gest learned the truth once he got his own lesions, meaning the two actually slept together. Behold the miracles of science. [E!]
• Tom Cruise continues his descent into obscurity by making appearances as Six Flags and a Redskins game in an effort to appear "average" and "normal." [Wonkette]
• Ashlee Simpson hits Barneys, spends $11K in a mere 30 minutes. And you thought she didn't have talent! Also, post-surgery, she's rather attractive. [BWE]
• According to his ex-wife, cuddly Tom Hanks is a secret hate-fucker. [Page Six]
• Christina Aguilera endures the ultimate humiliation: getting bumped from the cover of Vibe in favor of Bobby Brown. [Lowdown]
• Ian Schrager bans Paris Hilton from his Gramercy Park Hotel. What we'd give to see her drunk ass getting denied at the door. [Page Six]
• Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen also experience the sting of rejection: having failed to RSVP for a Vogue-happy party, they never got past the entryway. [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
• Young Hollywood acts stupid, amazes masses by nonetheless walking upright. [R&M; (bottom)]

• Rumors continue that the Brangelina will spew forth its sexy spawn in the south African nation of Namibia; the couple may even give the child a local name, like Malaria. [NYDN]
• Originally from the now-defunct Radar, Mark Ebner updates his story of Girls Gone Wild freak Joe Francis and the trespassing pink dildo that Francis learned to love. Since Francis hosted Richard Johnson's bachelor party, it's a nice reminder of what you'll never read in Page Six. [Hollywood Interrupted]
• Is Kate Moss hooking up with Israeli investor Vivi Nevo? If his blow is kosher, then of course. [Page Six]
• Today in irony: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen front for Free Arts NYC, an organization for at-risk children. [Gatecrasher (3rd item)]
• Robin Williams tells GQ that he used to pick up Christopher Reeve's sloppy seconds. [R&M;]
• Is the city of Miami is paying Page Six for "advice on media coverage?" Two mentions in a single day -- we're just saying. [Page Six]
• Tom Cruise denies any involvement in Comedy Central's pulling of South Park reruns mocking the actor as being "in the closet." In fact, the decision was all R. Kelly's fault. [IMDb]

• Universal good-time guy Gary Busey is arrested at LAX for assaulting a female police officer. Always prepared, Busey was traveling with his attorney, who tried to take pictures of the arrest and was promptly greeted with an officer's gun. [Jossip]
• Starving dwarf Mary-Kate Olsen wants to make and star in a movie about Kate Moss, believing she has the right amount of "edginess" to play the troubled supermodel. That, and they both share the same dealer. [Contact Music]
• Meanwhile, MK and sister Ashley's new ads for Badgley Mishka make us want to come and play with them forever. [Gilded Moose]
• Rock mag Spin finally looks to have a buyer for somewhere in the neighborhood of $5 million, which should almost cover the cost of EIC Sia Michel's stiletto collection. [Folio]
• In a rare fit of good sporting, Vogue stylelord Anna Wintour contemplates throwing a small luncheon for the mag's assistants just prior to the premiere of Devil Wears Prada, complete with Prada gift bags. Too bad the poor slave children will be too afraid to eat or enjoy themselves. [Telegraph]
• Yes, your ass does look big in those jeans. Finally, some closure. [DMALFTP]

We're not sure when the following incident occurred, but we suppose it was before miniature tycoon Mary-Kate Olsen fled higher education for the mindless safety for the West Coast: more »

Thank God someone's watching infotainment crapfest The Insider, or else we'd not have heard today's wonderful news: Millionaire anorexic Mary-Kate Olsen is not leaving NYU, as previously reported. On the other hand, this axis-shifting development comes courtesy of Insider host and fellow rehab fan Pat O'Brien, so take it with a grain of salt. Or a gram of blow. more »

And so a campus mourns. more »

· The real issue in the Michael Jackson trial has nothing to do with speckled penises or defiled children. This is really about Bubbles the Chimp, and whether or not MJ is an honest-to-god monkeyfucker. [R&M;]
· Mary-Kate Olsen is fine, people, FINE. She's just getting outpatient care at NYU and UCLA, OKAY? Leave her the fuck alone already! She doesn't need your help! [Page Six]
· Straight from an innocently retarded Craigslist casting call to Fabian Basabe's heart, reality show Survival of the Richest is casting in New York and the Basabe just might be interested. [Lowdown]
· Lesbians have polyps, too: Ellen DeGeneres had a biopsy to remove the nasty buggers from her cervix. The surgery was sponsored by American Express. [Page Six]

In what is either a bid for official mogul-hood or the dumbest move they could ever make, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have assumed full control over their company, Dualstar Entertainment, by buying out CEO Robert Thorne. In a prepared statement, the Olsens expressed their enthusiasm at increasing their responsibilities as co-CEOs (they're taking Econ 101 and an introductory finance class, you know). Thorne, who has run Dualstar for the past 15 years (since the girls were, um, three years old), received a handsome financial reward for steering the twins on a billion-dollar path to fame, addiction, and personal hell.
Mary-Kate & Ashley Take Over [E! via Yahoo]

The shocking news has us scratching at our eyes: our patron saints, the golden Olsen twins, have fallen from grace. Horrifying as it may be, it seems that our little girls might not be so innocent as we originally thought, as they've wandered down the sweatshop path of Kathie Lee Gifford. Their fah-bulous clothing line, mary-kateandashley (sold at a Wal-Mart near you!), is assembled by none other than pregnant Bangladeshi women who don't get adequate health care or any sort of maternity leave. NYU students are gathering in Washington Square Park at 5:30 tonight for the typical undergraduate rally against this injustice and we encourage all Gawker readers to attend—after all, sweatshop abuse often leads to drug abuse. Save the Olsens before it's too late!
Olsens Targeted By Sweatshop Watchdog [People (sub. req'd.)]
How The Olsens Stole Christmas [Washington Square News]