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Happy Birthday, Steve Jobs! | Form Letter Rejection from the Magazine Every Day with Rachael Ray | Carter, Theodore | Timm Angel, Cleanfreak: The Uncut DVD | Scribbly | Smith, Tyler Stoddard | Theatrical Terms and Trivia | Garduño, Federico | Birth Announcement | Here’s a Logo | crapbooking! | Broken Type | Jasper, David | Disquieting Modern Trends: Not So Super Bowl Edition 2007 | The Real Thing | Vaguely Valentines | Two Romantic Poems | Sweethearts | Schwartz, Greg | Miles, Martha | Valentine’s Day Massacre | My One and Only | Broken Hearts | Klein, Dan | Letter of Directions | Last Will | Disquieting Modern Trends: Meta-Holiday Edition | Thank You, Come Again | Space Playa | Neil Strauss: Updated Notes on The Game for Astronauts | NASA Worm | Now That I’m an International Jewel Thief | Results | Gamelli, Ralph | Potty Cam | Things You May Exclaim After Tumbling Down a Flight of Stairs That Turn Out to Be Made Entirely of Funnel Cake | Flickr Pictures | Held, Lucas | Some Editorial Changes | Duct Tape | Beavis and Butt-Head Do Beckett | Diarrhea, Cha Cha Cha | Design Notes for the Richard Ford “Existence Period” Roller Coaster in Haddam, New Jersey | Kiraly, Andrew | An American Casanova in New York, by Balthus Poindexter: A Reading Group Guide | Hopkins, Thomas | My Court-Ordered Apology | Notes Toward a Monograph Entitled “The Secret World of The Honeymooners: A Study in Sexual Perversion” | Gaffney, Larry | The Ghosts of Christmas Past | Christmas Correspondence Between Advice Columnist “Mother Wisdom” and a Disgruntled Reader | Frosty’s Lament | The Case of the London Terrorists | Famous Comics Speak Out on Handling Hecklers | Indelible | Sweeney, Shap | Teri Hatcher Wants John Bolton to Know That She Once Suffered a Career Slump, Too | Hoffnungslose Hausfrau | Kemper, Ellie | The Day I Interviewed Lloyd Dobler | Neither Bought, Sold, nor Processed | In Your Eyes | Nadler, Charlie | Magician Doug Henning Has Something on His Mind | Kane, Jessica Francis | George Allen Addresses the Modern Language Association’s Annual Conference | You Are Cordially Invited … | One Amateur Writer’s In-Depth Analysis Of A First Grader’s Creative Writing Exercise | Disquieting Modern Trends: Our Languor Is Broken by the Crumbling of Society (Cha-Cha) Edition | The Iceman You Didn’t Hear About | Unacceptable | Macomber, Trevor | Zach de la Rocha Performs the Preschool Poetry Slam Circuit | Letter to Chris Noth: “Mr. Big,” Detective Logan, and Owner of NYC’s The Cutting Room | Samuel Pepys Visits the Wisconsin Dells | A Moral Pharmacist | Gobble, Gobble | Good Times, Bad Times | From Ye Drye Cleanner | Ruined Music | If Mice Could Speak | Selected Letters from Peter Cook’s Correspondence with Dudley Moore, 1967-1995 | Mutant 70s Television Hybrids | “Me Decade” | Fashion Preview: Four Styles You Should Expect to See Hipsters Wearing This Fall | “Tommy” | How Various Michael J. Fox Roles Would Be Different Had Rush Limbaugh Instead Been Cast | “1.21 Jiggawatts” | Give Us Treats | Sierra, Gabrielle | Former Gawker Editor Jessica Coen’s First Day at Vanity Fair Online | “Gawking” | Phil Keoghan Shakes Things Up at the Mat | This Monday—A Very Special Evening Full of Fright, Bea, and Literary Buffoonery | The Warning Label I Recently Neglected to Read | “Standard Logo” | A Birthday Card from Chuck Palahniuk | Everything Is My Everything | Cox, Jocelyn | Woodiwiss, Bob | About the Artist | “Y.P.R. Makes Mistakes” | Letter to Chris Noth: Mr. Big, Detective Logan, and Owner of N.Y.C.’s Cutting Room | 36 Hours: Penn Station | William Shakespeare’s “Serpents Upon a Wingèd Vessel” | “Snakes on a Logo” | A Typical Day for Sagat from Street Fighter | Less Overtly Salacious but More Incriminating Republican IM Transcripts | “We’ve Got Mail” | Disquieting Modern Trends: Our Prescience Frightens Us Edition | Masterpiece Theatre Presents: Charles Dickens’ Bleak House, Starring the Gremlins | “Mogwai” | An Excerpt from Gotcha! The 500 Best Practical Jokes for Amputees | Sawalich, William | Please Be Allowing Me to Tell You About My Kiosk, Which Sells ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic Caftans, Kilts, and Yarmulkes! | Coming Soon(-ish) | Salerno, Kathy | Dear K-Fed | Savelyev, Simon | Select Passages from The International Guide for Metric Conversion | A Memo From Your Pollster | Strategy Guide for Capcom’s Lit Fighter II: The Word Warriors | Op-Ed Recipe | Martin, David | Corollaries to Godwin’s Law | Elaborate and Highly Ineffective Ways to Kill Yourself at Work | Money-Making Secrets—Revealed!!! | Y.P.R. Print Update | Disquieting Modern Trends: Things That Should Work Better in an Age of Unprecedented Technological Mastery and Yet, Maddeningly, Do Not Edition | Dudbridge, Lindsay | Dear Mr. Cigarette | Wennermark, Erik | ¡Los Bastardos Anónimos! | Disquieting Modern Trends: We Do More Than Watch Nip/Tuck till 3 a.m. (Seriously, We Do) Edition | Wedding Weekend … Sha La La La | Aileen Gallagher Up in the Guff Spot | Gallagher, Aileen | Better Buy a Bea. They’re Buttah! | Tell ’Em How You Really Feel | Quiz: Are You Curious? | David Sedaris Rules the World | Back from the Dead and Desperate for Cash, Charles Bukowski Tries to Write a Chick Lit Novel | John, David | Waters, David | Hey, Poetry!: 10 Poems | North Korea Furthers Its Demands | Bea Arthur, Booze, Hilarity … August 28th Is Gonna Rock! | King Arthur: The Syndicated Adventures | Mother Goose Talks … Things | Sorry, But I Just Can’t Marry a Woman That Doesn’t Look Hot on the JumboTron | Gorman, Jeremy | Test Your Sexist, Ageist, and Racist Tendencies | Jodzio, John | Anthoni, Victor | Ferris Bueller Fills In for The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist | Profiles from Don’tDowryHimGirl.com | Excerpts from The Burning Bonnet: A Tale of Love and Longing Amongst the Amish | Zakk Wylde for the Weather Channel | Christie, Jake | DIGGIN’ IN THE Y.P.R. CRATES: Meet Your Subway Sandwich Artist | “Subway” | DIGGIN’ IN THE Y.P.R. CRATES: My C-Span Diary: Thursday, July 15, 2004 | Well, I Thought You’d Never Ask! | Donny Most, Happy Days’ Ralph Malph, Leaves Ron Howard a Message on His Voicemail | Swear? You Shouldn’t Swear, Young Man. | A Reading from the Book of Genesis | Dean, Doug | Now That’s Some Scary Shit | Excerpt from George Romero’s New Book of Daily Affirmations | Dobson, Dale | Enough with the Promises Already | The Alcoholic Beverages of Planet Earth | Haggerty, Geoff | Disquieting Modern Trends: The “Branding” Edition | Damn, That’s Hott | The Disney Princesses Talk About Chlamydia | “Walt’s Own Hand” | Jesus’ Standup Act | Really, Who Doesn’t Like Balloons? | Come On Down and Wear Your Influences on Your Sleeve | The U.S.A. Patriot Act … (The Fine Print) | He Wrote the Book Which Makes Him … Well … Awesome | Self-Justification | Send the Kids to the Neighbors and Lock the Doors! | Major Tom, Shootin’ Star | What’s Attacking You? | Wolinsky, Ross | Celebrate Your Independence, Take Care of Your Digits | Poets’ Ghosts at Giants Games | Wittgenstein: The Crank Calls | Forthcoming Novels Titled with the White-Hot Suffix “-Ist” | Maclean, Roderick | The Da Vinci Bandwagon | Call for Shreek Writers! | Murray, Edward Lee | The Drug Diaries of Oscar Hammerstein II | Just Trying to Be the Best Me I Can Possibly Be: Talking Points | Announcements From the Flight Deck | Sometimes, at Work, I Feel Like Maybe I’m Being Singled Out … | Wolfman Taps … Or Something | Dear Diary… You Stink | Silver, Eric | The MLAB Preview 2006: The Scouting Report from the Major League of Anabolic Baseball | A Successful Date Ends Badly for Dick Wolf — Creator of TV’s Law & Order | Modern-Day Explorers | Doctor… WHOOP, WHOOP… Detroit | Dating with Goofus and Gallant | No Whammies, No Whammies, No Whammies, STOP! | The Elephant and I | Do I Smell Something Burning? | Movie Synopses from the Bonds Saga | Next Time, Maybe I’ll Knock | Super Producer Rick Rubin Mulls His Next Move | Hear Ye, Hear Ye! | John, David | Knock, Knock | Fear Not, Shreeks Aren’t Dead, They’re … Resting | Barely Awake | Perez, Alexander | Enthrone Rachael Triumphant: Alternate Pilot Concepts Featuring Rachael Ray | Even More Examples of How Viswanathan’s Novel Mirrors the Works of Megan McCafferty | Shinefield, Mordechai | Non-Celebrity Gawker Stalker | Smith, Tyler | The Sheldon Prison Experiment | We’d Like to Pre-Board | Bricker, Ryan | There’s Nothing Worse Than a Drunk Wookie | What Real Salads Are Made Of | When You Die—Ten Scenarios | Rock, J. Chris & Leary, John | Tomato and Black-Capped Chickadees Love | Clouds: Important! | The Sad Clown of Death Sings | The Goonies’ Lawrence “Chunk” Cohen Prepares His Cover Letter for an M.F.A. in Creative Writing | “Truffle Shuffle” | Fascinating, That Fascination Is | The Lost Letters of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr | Bloom, Jared | C.S.I.: The Lost Franchises | Doot Doot…. Doody! | Kukoda, Jack | A Recently Divorced Movie Critic Reviews The Latest Films | Love. Sweet! | A Knick Fan Laments | Summer Youth Reading List | We’re Gonna Rock Down to Psychosis | Street Meats, It’s the Meats of the Streets | Rock, Paper, Scissors Redux | Church of the Musical Cluster F*CK | Favorable Outcomes Generated by Talking About the Weather | That’s An Excellent Question. Let Me Get Back To You. | Disquieting Modern Trends: Things We No Longer Think Are Disquieting, “Maybe It Doesn’t All Suck” Edition | Lifetime: Television For Women Original Movies in Development for Fall/Spring 2006/2007 | Scooby Dooby Kajagoogoo | Fast-Food Sit Down | So? So, let’s dance! | I’ll Do Whatever I Damned Well Please | Unspoken Word Performance | Ames, Greg | A Love Letter | How Looooooooong? | Dabbene, Peter | Rockin’ In Iraq | Culture Club, Not just a bad 80’s bar | Inspired by Sean Combs, Musicians Rush to Launch Fragrances | Antosca, Nick | Ear Harvest | Drach, Mike | Kool-Aid Flavors of the Go-Go 90s That Never Quite Made It | Francesco Marciuliano | Gutenberg? Spinning In His Grave | Tears for Fears… and Good Charlotte’s Relevance | Extra! Extra! Read All About It! Moronic Online Lit Journal to Go Print! Unsinkable Boat Hits Iceberg! Extra! | Don’t Let the Door Hit you in the ass on the way out, Duffy! | It’s Electric! | Vampires Suck On Broadway. Truly. | Trying to Explain the Easter Bunny to My Orthodox Jewish Girlfriend | Tangential Stupidity | I Wanna Be Kinetic and I Want A Webshooter Too! | If the Neoconservatives Had Been Dentists | Dear Kind and Patient Readers | Crafty Like a Fox | The Diary of One of the Baseball Cartoons on the Playstation PSP Commercial For EA Sports’ “MLB’06” After Attending Opening Day At Yankee Stadium | Nothing Changes on New Year’s Day | If the Brill Building Had Instead Housed a Law Firm | Unintentionally Bitch Slapped Into Reality By Big Head Caps | Big Brass Bunny Band | David Mamet Channels Aristophanes | You’ll Always Be A Part of Me | Ordering Fast Food in the Age of the Statistically Challenged | Brozinsky, Murray | Hale and Hearty | Table For Two (Morons) | Missus Magazine | Edgar Allen Poe Tells “The Aristocrats” | “Nevermore” | Oberman, Zach | Out for Justice | Will Pimp for Props | Hide, Seek | Paul Stanley Summarizes The Tragedies of William Shakespeare During Between-Song Banter from the 1977-78 KISS Alive II Tour | Housley, Dave | Video Killed The Y.P.R. Star | Welcome to the Machine | I’m Deeply Sorry | Once There Was a Day | I’m Totally into American Idol | Brecht & Weill’s Annie | Read to the Death | “Standard Logo” | Eleven Scenes that Help Explain Why They Pulled the Plug on M. Night Shyamalan’s Cinematic Adaptation of Life of Pi | Make That “Borrow” | And the Winner Is … | Porn sans Sex | “Bunny” | Don’t Turn Around | Paging David Blaine… | The Other Side of Yuck | The New York Post Lifestyle: Thersday | Mom-and-Pop Business Takes an Advertising Cue from Guitar Center | “Justice for None” | Father Wears His Sunday Best | Everybody’s Just Like You | Abandoned Theme Parks | Poetry in Motion | On Playing Laser Tag with Joan Didion | Hail To The Chief | SaRaH VoWeLL | Sarah Vowell Comments on Our Imagined Liaison | Fan Fiction Web Site Forum Tackles Eraserhead | Notes from the Norfolk, Virginia, Substance Abuse Services Providers Fair 2006, Waterside Convention Center | Timeless Stories of Love for Valentine’s Day | Scorching V.D. | Aaron Burr and Dick Cheney | This Generation Rules the Nation | Disquieting Modern Trends: Post-Super Bowl Death Knell of Advertising as We Know It and Desperate Call for Return to Core Values Edition | “It’s Good to Be the King” | Don’t Smell the Kraut | Elsewhere | Brady Bunch Cliff Notes | Literary Terms Derived Not from the Greek, but From The Brady Bunch | Prediction: 17 Posts and He’s Outta There | Highlights from the 2030 Grammy Awards | “Nipper” | Jezarian, Nick; Tobey, Matthew; & Wolinetz, Geoff | Excerpts from the Future Tell-All Autobiography of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s Unborn Child | See Me a Big Woman | Extreme Sports, circa 1928 | Help! Am I Stuck in a Creedence Clearwater Revival Song? — A Survival Guide | Open Mike | Real Lab Notes | Vick, Julie | She’s Gone Electric | Some Ground Rules I Gave 50 Cent and G-Unit before They Played My Daughter’s Bat Mitzvah | “L’Chiam!” | Spiewak, Aaron | Twelfth Night of the Living Dead | A Few Ideas for the Next Film in George Romero’s Zombie Series | Opium.Weekend | Koch, Elizabeth & Zuniga, Todd | Disquieting Modern Trends: Opium Magazine Five-Year Anniversary N.Y.C. Celebration Edition | Top 40 Castoff from a Record Stand | Richardson-Bryan, Mike | Kindling | Three-legged Man O’ War | Suggested Names for Racehorses Expected to Have Undistinguished Careers | Like a Pigeon from Hell | Internal Memo to the Secret Society | Full of Strange Arrangements | Monkey Shock | Boom! The Black Table | The Black Table Roast | R.I.P., Black Table | The Black List: Funny for Nothing and We’re Dicks for Free | Believe the Hype? The Black Table | Will Leitch and Eric Gillin Use Instant Messenger to Defuse a Bomb | The Black Table: I Only Know Them for Networking Reasons | A Quick Roast, Pt. I | A Quick Roast, Pt. II | The Week in Craig | Blair, Amy | Outgoing! | Waxing Off: Thank You for Being a Friend | Grierson, Tim | Chandler, Rick | Keller, Joel | Koyen, Jeff | Robertson, Lindsay | Hubley, Jen | I Don’t Wanna Hear That Song No More | Deer Dents | Selling Myself, Installment II | “Musicless Television” | Slow, Slow, Quick, Quick, Slow | Sneak Preview: Merchant-Ivory’s Hostel | “Hostel” | Poor Old Johnny Ray | From the Diary of Out of This World’s Evie Garland | “Bundy” | Mesh & Lace | The New York Times Slash Fic | “Gray Lady” | Leave the TV and the Radio Behind | Talk² | Disquieting Modern Trends: Navel-Gazing Edition | “1 x 10¹⁰⁰” | Smell Like I Sound | Intimidation Strategies to Be Avoided in a Street Fight | “Puma” | Partout Que Je Ne Suis Pas | An Evening at the Tokyo Ballet | “Rising Sun” | Do You Hear Me? Do You Care? | An Entry to the M.P.A.A.’s Contest in Which College Students Are Asked to Make a P.S.A. about the Problem of Online Piracy | Singal, Jesse | Bringing You the Best New Music of 1982 | Abre los Ojos | Rejected Pitches for NBC’s Three Wishes: Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Division | Procé, Brendan | Y.P.R.’s WLIR/WDRE Shreek-of-the-Week of the Day | That Crazy Casbah Sound | Excerpts from T.S. Eliot’s First Draft of The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock Written While He Was Deliriously Hungry | “Snicker” | Pep Talk | “The Passion of the Pot Roast” | Galef, David | Bat Play | “Stately Wayne Manor” | Kharakh, Ben | AAA Gas-Saving Tips: Updated for the Coming Oil Apocalypse | “Time” | Selected Words and Phrases from William Safire’s “On Words” Column That Reveal a Libertine Heart Beating within the Conservative Wordsmith’s Bosom | Gorp | MMV | Tiding of Joy | An American Psycho Christmas | “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” | Last Christmas, I Gave You My Heart | Comedy Gold | New Adaptations for the Holiday Theatre Season | “Playbill” | I Almost Googled My Life Away | Three Concerns about This Caption | Die Hard Police Officer John McClane Prepares His Cover Letter for Admission to an M.F.A. in Creative Writing Program | “Yippee-Kai-Yay” | Harnetiaux, John | The Complete Radar, Vol. I-II | The Complete Radar | Excerpt from an Article Found in the Handbill for “Let’s Combat Hunger: A Fashion Charity Soirée,” November 14, 2005, New York, New York | “R.I.P., Radar” | Sacks, Mike | Pity, Indeed | Mint on a Pillow | The White Stripes at the Hotel Yorba | “Aldous Huxley” | Disquieting Modern Trends: Back to Basics Edition | The Absent Adults of Childhood Favorites Speak | “Peanuts” | Looking a Gift Horse in the Mouth | The Alarmist’s Reference Book of Miserable Maladies That Are Possibly Infecting Your Body at This Very Moment | Dennis DiClaudio, pathological worrywart | A Message from Avian Influenza A (H5N1) to the People of Planet Earth: I Will Kill You All! | “Achoo!” | Correção (Correction) | Those from Whom No Guff Will Be Brooked | “Portzebie” | Phillips-Sandy, Mary | Pabst for Pulitzer | Selling Myself, Installment I | “Blue Ribbon” | Roberts, Kent | Instantly Karmic | Resignation Letter from an Organ Grinder’s Monkey | “Hey, Hey, It’s Y.P.R.” | Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Still Not Dead (They’re Just Playing Hide and Seek) | “Double Word Score” | He Sees You When You’re Eating His Cookies, You Pudgy Bastard | Does Your Child Have A.D.H.D.? | “Pez” | Various Restaurant Menus Explain Themselves | “Potent Potable” | Jim Davis Probably Made Ten Times My Yearly Salary for These Ten Words | This Will Be The Week That Will Be | Cartoons for Grown-Ups | Subtle Changes to the Titles of Children’s Shows That Would Require Drastic Changes in Program Content | “Nickelodeon” | Condolences Posted to the Funeral Home Web Site Upon the Death of “Zesty the Clown” | “Clown” | He Knows When You Are Confused and Disappointed | The Recently Discovered “Erotick Poetry” of Daniel Chelly-Ladbourne | “Naughty Bits” | Nice Things to Say to Chris Columbus after Seeing Rent | “Rent” | Thank You for Taking Me to See Your Friend’s Band | “OMFUG” | Listen: | Starbucks Letter Regarding Seemingly Illogical Size Nomenclature | What a Turkey | Cold Turkey | Aardvarks Like Root Beer: Nine Poems | Kurt Vonnegut Jr.’s Canon | “Kilgore Trout” | Excerpts from Other Speeches Mistakenly Attributed to Kurt Vonnegut | As the Pizza Turns … | Highlights from Kurt Vonnegut’s Friar’s Club Roast | “Now It Can Be Sold” by Drinkmore Stout | The Good News | Deadeye Dicks | Of Course the Fat Cat Wants Pizza, You Maroon | A Press Conference with New White House Spokesman Darth Vader | “Episode I” | Hasan, Russell | Nipsey Fan Seeks Same | Excerpts from What Lessons Can We Learn from Little Johnny, Neighborhood Scamp?—Health & Citizenship Development Series (Educational Resources Ltd.) | “If This Schoolhouse’s A-Rockin’” | Onstage Play-by-Play: Oklahoma! | “OK!” | The Most Excellent () and Lamentable () Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet, Told Entirely in Emoticons | “R + J” | Cartoon Episodes about Science | “Adult Swimming” | Wherefore Art Thou, Y.P.R.? | Scientific Study Finds That Chickens Think about the Future | Drennon, Raleigh | May We Use Your Loo? | Questions for Discussion | Rogers, Joseph | The Adventures of Dr. Squat: “Aunt Linda, You’re a Pig” | Powerful Stories Made Impotent by the Introduction of Cellphones | Kahn, Justin | Jon Is Fooled by a Three-Dollar Bill, or Maybe He’s as Gay as One | In Response to My Little Sister’s Plea for Assistance on Her History Report—Topic: “The Middle Ages” | Feezell, Eric | A Play In One Act | Happy Hallowe’en! | Y.P.R Is Kind of Crazy with a Spooky Little Reader Like You | Is This Shit Supposed to Be Funny? | Excerpts from Paul Stanley’s Testimony Before the Senate Armed Services Committee Regarding the Capability and Readiness of the Kiss Army™ in the War Against Terror™ | What I Could Have Done to that Jerk Who Asked Me “Hey You Know Karate?” Had I Actually Known Karate | The Dog Should Have Killed Garfield | Human Brain and Animal Brain, Analogous? No!: A Keen Example of Objective Scientific Argument by Professor Pierre Dugelay, Ph.D., Philosophy and Cultural Studies, Translation to English Permitted for Higher Education Purposes Only | Yeh, James | 32°F or Jon’s IQ: Which Is Higher? | Waiting Room | And Funky Winkerbean Languishes in Obscurity | Captain Red Shirt | Conway, Jack | Staring into the Abyss | A Frequent Contributor to a Popular Internet Humor Site Is Transported Back in Time, and, after Finding Work as a Writer on Your Show of Shows, Is Reprimanded by Sid Caesar within One Week | Political Posturing | Madore, P. H. | Will Wet Nurse Never Cease? | Schmitt, Jeff | Crap in Three Panels, for almost Three Decades | What a Rick Steves Travel Guide to Venice Would Look Like if Rick Steves Were Severely Agoraphobic | Adventures in Primatology | Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief as Experienced by Me Reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince | Verlizzo, Lauren | Jim Davis’s First Dick Joke | Rock Stars Enjoying Anonymity | Macho Nacho | Cassius Karl | Karl Rove’s Ringside Boasts | This Comic Strip Depresses the Shit out of Me | | Dog Licks Cone & Cat | Get It? Because He Ate the Bird | Some Things Are Best Left Unsaid | Phone Call Informing the New Nobel Prize Winner in Physics of His Award, Shortly after He’s Had a Breakdown and Reverted to a Childlike State, as KISS Alive Plays in the Background | “Béseme Mucho” | The Horror! The Horror! | Cracked Baby | R.I.P., Nipsey Russell | Dear Nipsey | Some of Hollywood’s Greatest Surprise Endings Revealed and Synopsized | “Sixth Sense” | Ruehlmann, Greg | Punting Odie, Pointing at All of Us | 70s Music Is Stupid | Following the Trail Blazed by Margaret Truman | Rosh Hashanah Head Rush | Disquieting Modern Trends: Interacting with the Smarty-Pants yet Ultimately Insufferable Public Edition | Pavlov Is Shuffling in His Urn | Figler, Dayvid | This One Really Sucks | Donor Secrecy | Curiosity Killed Something Else | The Cat Lies | Kanye West’s Cronyism | Justify My Love | Beware the Dust Mites | Nappy Cat | To the Pirates, from the Cowboys | Perhaps the Other End Is a Garfield Phone | The Trials and Tribluation of Doug Clifton, Ghost Whisperer | Funniest E-Mail of the Century | Jon Arbuckle and the Spiders from Mars | Tonight … and Beyond! | Raining Cats | Following the Letter of the Law, but Not the Spirit | Starmer, Aaron | The Cat Drinks Some Super-Caffeinated Coffee | Unlikely Pen Pals: Penny Dobson, Seventh-Grader from Suburban New Jersey circa 1985, and Vladimir Tarkovsky, Inmate of a Siberian Gulag circa 1952 | Dork Calling Orson | Timber? | Dealing with Dealers | Jon Looks Hungover (Stubble, Droopy Eyes) but Garfield Guesses Correctly That the Putz Was Out Late Because He Got Lost | “Arbuckle” | “Meow.” | Jaffe, Anthony | Pay the Rent: A Solo Play Exploring Gender Politics | Little Mouse Feet | Cruelty to Animals | Does the Appropriation by Target of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” Disquiet You? | How You Say, “Michel”? | Happy Cat | The Cat Smiles | Cat Nap | Schrödinger’s Call | Doing Our Part | Bet There’s a Half-Eaten Bag Stuffed under the Cat’s Bed | Standing and Delivering | A Pleasing Labor Day to You All | Belabor Day | Transmogrify This | The Unspoken Vasquez: James Cameron’s Aliens, First Folio | Houk, J. M. | More Graydonesque Haha | Editor’s Letter | Amendments to the New Iraqi Constitution | Rottman, Michael | Memo to the Executives | Burch, Ron | Rejected Letters to Penthouse Forum | Disquieting Modern Trends: White-Hot Legal-Eagle Point/Counterpoint Edition | An Animals’ Forum: Was It Right for Researchers to Grow Human Brain Cells in My Head? | Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms: An Occasional Series: Eminem at the Ambient Hotel | The Worst Harvard Alumna | Kepnes, Caroline | Koolbalah | Isenberg, Robert | The Puck Stops Here | Sad Face/Happy Face | A Real Estate Agent’s Tour Of Hannigan’s Cove: Fictional Town For Rent Or Sale To Aspiring Novelists | Gladstone, Wayne | J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince | “Mudblood” | Rowling’s Spawn* | The New Harry Potter Book, as Dictated by My Boss, Brian Schmutto | Numerous Events That Should Be Included in the Film Adaptation of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in Order to Widen Its Urban Appeal | Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Meet Prince and the Half-Baked Potter | Harry Potter and the Magic of Puberty | Harry Potter and the Bitch Ex-Wife | Sheivachman, Andrew | Advertise Here | This Isn’t Working | We’ll Be Right Back after a Quick Word from Our Sponsors … | We Should Go Hat-Shopping Together Sometime, Pt. II | Welcome to the Dog Days | Disquieting Modern Trends: Summertime (and the Living Is Uneasy) Edition | Aussie Love | Meet Your Subway Sandwich Artist | “Subway” | A Field Guide to Selected Western Artists | Smith, J. D. | LeBron James, from an Interview in the March 2005 Issue of GQ and the King James Bible | The Adventures of Dr. Squat: “I Am Still the Eggman” | How to Win at Cards | Disquieting Modern Trends: People Ruining America Edition | Muggles, Mudbloods, & Morons | Giles, Gareth | Fahy, Michael | All About Me: 12 Poems | Everlasting Gobstopper | Judy and Jim in Paris | Hot Times, Summer in My Pants | Woody’s Sketches for His Next Four Pictures | “Konisberg” | Will the Real Alvy Singer Please Stand Up (Please Stand Up)? | Overheard in the Brainstorming Meeting for the Sequel to Million Dollar Baby | Having Felled Gore Vidal with a Punch, Only to Hear the Line “Words Fail Norman Mailer, Yet Again,” Mr. Mailer Can Only Come Up with Answers in the Car, on the Way Home | Coppedge, Whit | Signs That Internet Dating Is Not Going Well for You | Stahl, Jon | Interview with an Interview with Ann Coulter | Murray, Ed | Masters of My Domain: My Vices as Characters from “Seinfeld” | Sally Forth | Kurt Cobain’s Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks | “B.L.T.”: A Review | Attn: N.Y.C.-Area Actors | Who Wants to Watch “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” | Ten Tiny Poems | Beatty, Brian | Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project | Key Party, N.Y.C., Circa Always | Burnette, William K. | A Day on the Phone with Mythological Norse Firewarrior, Bringer of Storms | Belz, Aaron | Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms: An Occasional Series: Tom Waits for No Man | Misheard Song Lyrics, Schizophrenic Edition | Connelly, James | The People Recommend | We Keep Yelling “Rooster” | Venice | Yes, I Said Yes | Molly Bloom Takes Manhattan | Last of the Famous International Playboys | Morrissey Addresses the Graduating High-School Class of 2005 | Out of the Blue | O’Brien, Christopher | A Princeton Review Correspondent Overhears Some Tense Moments in Town/Gown Relations | Golden, Andrew | Notes to Hoobastank Street-Teamers for Posting CD Reviews on Amazon.com | Grovada + Charlie | United States’ Puppet States and Their Respective Leaders | Dead Ends from Rejected “Choose-Your-Own-Adventure” Books | I Am Tom Cruise, and I Love Women | J.S.F., Loud & Close | Disquieting Modern Trends: The City So Nice We Complain about It Twice Edition | Pussyknickers! | Jonathan Safran Foer’s Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close | Extremely Long and Incredibly Bad Writer’s Block | Everything According to Incredible Acquaintances | Correspondence between Jonathan Safran Foer and Nicole Krauss That Explains How They Wrote the Same Book | Intellectual Property | A Scientific Proposal to the Executive Program Directors of the ABC, CBS, FOX, and NBC Networks | Rorem, Matthew | Chuck Palahniuk Mows the Lawn | “Palahniuk” | Kavadlo, Jesse | Diamond Dave’s Sestina | Albert, Jason | I Sound My Chlorophyll Yawp | A Day in My Life as Reviewed by Rolling Stone | “Rolling Stone” | Ankommend! | The Weatherman’s Weekend Forecast | On Dagobah Pond | “Lucasfilm” | Thompson, Brian | Armadillo Pad | He Buried Paul | My Continued Conversation with the Ghost of John Lennon | “Beatlesque” | Mesler, Corey | Notes from Mattel’s “Future of Barbie®” Brainstorming Session | We’ve Already Got a Two-Year Subscription, Thank You | Reasons Why the Female Characters in Certain Male-Written Fiction Are Not Like Actual Women at All | Disquieting Modern Trends: Big Apple Edition | A Salesman Reborn | Schroll, Savannah | Lesser Known Secrets from Secret Antiperspirant & Deodorant … | Regarding My Teenaged Affair with Paula Abdul | Godzilla vs. Godzilla | “Gojira” | ¡Flashback de Mayo! | Press Secretary Scott McClellan Addresses a First-Grade Junior Achievement Class | Peck, Justin | The New York Toast | The New York Post-Times | My Weekend! | Dos de Mayo—Seis de Mayo | As Reviewed by Ben Brantley | Blog Never Written by Mommy Who Had Baby in the Days Before Blogs | Baker, Gail Konop | Dear Abba | Gene S1mm0ns | A.I. Wanna Rock and Roll All Nite | Nester, Daniel | Exceedingly Cagey and Awfully Precocious | GEICOld Party | If the Republicans Were Making GEICO Commercials | Airbag Warnings | Hidden Affikomen | Genusa, Angela | The Night of Standup Comedy I Recently Saw, Reduced to Its Logical Abstractions, as per Freud’s Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious | The Amazing Adventure of Michael Chabon and the Golem | Frequently Asked Questions: The Social Security Debate | I Am a Terrible Person to Cheat on Your Boyfriend With | Borden, Matthew | Excerpts from Dick Cheney’s Duck-Hunting Journal | My Evening With CNN | “This Is Y.P.R.” | Disquieting Modern Trends: William Safire Edition | Reader’s Block | Sam Lipsyte’s Home Land | Home Istan | Alumni Update from the Guy That Sat Behind Me in Homeroom That I Never Talked to and Only Remember Because He Was Really into Candlebox | Smith, Dave | Catamount Encounters: Tips on Avoiding Trouble and Defending Yourself in an Attack | Sam Lipsyte, distinguished alumnus | Prepping for My First Out-of-Body Experience | Raskolnikov Meets Dr. Phil | Warner, James | The Author of the Universe | The Y.P.R. 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Tilly” | Tabby, Binky | Foreword | Oliver, Jeffrey | Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms: An Occasional Series | How to Get a New York City Straphanger to Bankroll Your Alternative Lifestyle | Disquieting Modern Trends: Offspring Edition | Calling All Catamounts | Avenging Angel | E-mail: liberties@nytimes.com | Spelunking with Niles and Deebo | Niles from “Frasier” Takes Acid on an Overnight Spelunking Trip with Deebo from Friday and Reënacts Plato’s The Cave | Champlin, Brian | Arrrrrtwork | Alas, Poor Jeeves | Hamlet by P. G. Wodehouse | Andrei Codrescu, exquisite corpse | Weinman, Jaime J. | Transmogrified Papa | Hills Like Stuffed Tigers: Calvin Discovers Hemingway | “Watterson” | Bradbury-Carlin, Russell | Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink! | Disquieting Modern Trends: iPod Edition | Malcolm Gladwell, quick thinker | Trapped in Malcolm Gladwell’s Hair | Two Real Case Studies in Snap Judgment Involving My Parents | Blink … | A Brief, Reasoned Argument to Counteract the Two-Second Judgment You’ve Made to Buy Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink: the Power of Thinking without Thinking | The Way We Live Now | Y.P.R. 3.1 | Kennedy, Gideon C. | Tolley, John | Masterson, Timber | One-Sentence Stories | I Play a Jaw-Harp | Verratti, Thom | Double Wink | Get Yr Blink On. | When Yakov Smirnoff Was King | Sasha Frere-Jones, music critic | Brushes with Llamas | The Tragedy of Two Bills | Liu, Calvin | R.I.P., H.S.T. | “Fear and Logo” | Disquieting Modern Trends Return: Hollywood Edition | Help | Staff | What It’s Like to Have Sex with Me | Rapid Eye Movements | Granger, Chris | Y.P.R. 3.0 | Brought to You by PepsiCo | David Foster Wallace, TV Guide Synopsist | Wayne, Teddy | This Is the Week That Is | Music for the Masses | Dear Wikipedia | How to Write a Book | Huh? | From Nairobi with Love | It’s Shauna, but Most Guys Call Me Shawna. | MMIV Wrap-Up | Christmastime Is Here | A Holiday Update from the Kinsleys | Season’s Greetings | The Stanton Family Christmas Newsletter | The Annual Holiday Newsletter from the Guy Who Does the Voiceover for NBC Primetime TV Previews | Loomis, Stephen | Flynn, Julianne | Shipley, Jonathan | Letter from the White House to Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum | Nylon Curtains | Selected Tips from Emily Post’s Etiquette for Ukrainian Dinner Parties | Letter of Rejection to Dr. Phil | Ng, David | Freeze! 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Bush, Part I, by Kurt Loder | The Family Matters | Excerpt from The Family Matters: The Real Story of the Winslow Dynasty | Kitty Kelley’s The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty | The Adams Family: My Ill Fated Attempt at Writing a Tell-All Biography about the Adams Dynasty without Doing Any Actual Research | Kelley Putty!™ Fun for the Whole Family! | Truth Is Beauty | Geometry | Bittner, Russell | Ten Things You Used to Be Able to Get Away With in Grade School but You Probably Can’t Get Away With at Work | Kinsella, Kevin | The Wrong Man’s Burden | I Named the Dog “Indiana” | Memo to Human Resources | Your Future in the Stars: Introducing the Department of Homeland Astrology | 12 Easy Steps to a Better You | Carey, Ian | Osmond, Chris | Things You Can Accomplish before Conan Takes Over “The Tonight Show” in 2009 | Layman & Osmond | Blurbs | Closing Statements from the Castaways’ Presidential Debate | At Last, Respect: Rodney Dangerfield, 1921-2004 | Self-Portrait (Left Ear) | The Recently Recovered Love Letters of Vincent van Gogh | My Predictions for Major League Baseball’s Post Season | Mootpoint | Reviews for Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint that I Started to Write before Realizing I Was Thinking of Something Else | Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam Synopsize Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint | Checkmate | Checkmate, Checkpoint! | How to Conduct a Sincere Discussion Group on Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint with a Disruptive Norwegian Forest Cat on the Premises | Gina Gershon and the Persian Subway Plot, or, There Are No Wheat Thins in Tehran | If Checkpoint Were Based on Conversations I’ve Had with My Grandparents | Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint | Some Failed Parodies of Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint | Happy Birthday, Martina Hingis! | Happy Birthday, Jill Whelan! | UPN or Made Up? | Happy Birthday, Jeffrey Jones! | Happy Birthday, Hilary Duff! | Andrew Vachss, creative factory | Ned Vizzini, chill squipster | J. T. LeRoy, young Turk | Happy Birthday, Avril Lavigne! | Happy Birthday, Wilford Brimley! | Cheese Nos. 1 — 7 | Why Cheese? | Allston’s Favorite Drunk | Maurer, Daniel | Dispatches from the V.I.P. Lounge | Happy Birthday, Bryan Ferry! | Who’s Your Momma? | A Wee Bit Sticky | What’s Goin’ Down in the Boogie | Conversations with My Mother Which Suggest She May Secretly Be a Primatologist | Hal Sparks, funny person | Patton Oswalt, funny person | Todd Barry, funny person | Marx and Engles to Spite | Marc Maron, funny person | Kim Needs to Talk | The Scrolling Book Club | Three Quick Ones | How to Make the Most of This Desert Island Experience | I Was a Virgin Sex Doll | Zeidler, Kevin | Zello, Dolly!, or, Three Big Boobs | Deleted Lines from Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Speech at the Republican National Convention | My Keynote Address for Tonight’s Family Dinner | Layman, Will | The As-Yet-Unaired Third ‘Swift Boat Veterans for Truth’ Advertisement | Y.P.R.’s R.N.C. in N.Y.C. 2004 | How to Protest the Republican National Convention without Giving Up Your Last Weekend at Your Friend’s Timeshare on Fire Island | Antoniadis, Tony | From “The Amazing E-mail Letters of Dr. Maria Marinario and Dr. Humphrey Ichovitzsky” | Novack, Carol | William Shakespeare, da Bard | “I Fucked Choire” | Lord of the Blogs | Choire Sicha Is Not Who You Think He Is | The Choire Sicha Roast | A Very Short Roast | Krucoff, Andrew | Choire Sicha, Literary Critic | My Site Meter’s Best Friend | Sack, Brian | Coen, Jessica | Zulkey, Claire | Garnett, Joy | This Is Art | Choire Destroyed My Art Career | David Rees, clip-artist | Abu Ghraib | Danny Gregory, watercolor journalist | Canis latrans | Stephen Elliott, lover of the electoral process | Andrew Sean Greer, planetary pathfinder | Dan Kennedy, small-talking memoirist | Three Short Stories | Comstock, Emily | Interview with the World’s Oldest Man: Ezekiel Houghton, Age 137 | Exclusive Gear for Faraway Republicans Visiting Our Liberal Blue City | Jonathan Ames, randy writer | Neal Pollack, supercharged satirist | Tom Perrotta, novelist | Blood Drive | Cassidy, Oliver | Belated Apologies to Girls I Have Known | Graham, Brian | The Tonight Symposium | What Would Sammy Do? | Also Available at Any New England Truck-Stop Diner | Tetherball with Grandma | Non-Chip-Related Letters I’ve Written to Chip Companies | Dear Heinz Ketchup, Pt. II | My Muse Talks Back | Atkinson, Thea | Random Thoughts while Watching the “I Love the…” Series on VH1 | I ♥ the 80s! | Reagan Administration, The | I Hate “I Love the 90s” | Dear VH1 | I Love … Pt. IV | Jake Loves the Eighties | A Short Conversation with Hal Sparks about His “I Love the 80s” Appearances as We Wait for Our Drinks at a Los Angeles Starbucks | I Love … Pt. III | Bunsen | VH1’s “I Love Christopher Monks’s Labor Day Weekend 1986” | The Gradual Decline of the “I Love the … ” Sidebars | I Love … Part II | If “I Love the 80s” Were Strictly about My Life | I Love You, “I Love the 90s,” but I’m Not in Love with You | I ♥ “I Love the [X]0s” | I Love “I Love the 70s,” “I Love the 80s,” “I Love the 90s,” and “I Love the 80s Strikes Back” | “Video Kills the Radio Star” | Hawaii Diarii: Kauai | My Anti-Depressant Diary | Suzanne Yeagley, McSweeney’s | Eyes on Arbuckle | Next Time on “The Surreal Life” … | Will Respond for Food | The Supine Feline | Daniel Robert Epstein, Suicide Girls | Still | A Message from Franklin Nchita Ogbuewu, Nigeria’s Minister of Tourism | My C-Span Diary: Thursday, July 15, 2004 | That Cat Demo, Pt. III | The Shard Phenomenon and Its Potential Application as a Come-On | Enquire Within | Assignation at the Tot Lot | Van Doren, Heather | The Coveted 18-to-34-Yr-Old Feline Demographic, Pt. II | The Coveted 18-to-34-Yr-Old Feline Demographic | Al-Jazeera Coverage of Ozzfest 2004 | We Should Go Hat-Shopping Together Sometime | Cat and Dog Watch TV | Legends of My Fictional Baseball League | The Old Lady Screamed | Young, L. Lynn | A Public Apology from The New York Post | “Post This!” | Kotzin, Miriam N. | Freudian Slip | Pee/Bee | Morgan, Gene | Reasons Why a Bridge over Troubled Water Would Not Necessarily Ease My Mind | Martin, Jeremy | Dear Sam Raimi | Why I’ll Never Be Granted a Home Equity Loan | Oh, What a Fortnight! | Celebrate Just One Day out of Life! 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Daulerio, The Black Table | Claire Zulkey, Zulkey.com | ‘My Poem’ by Karl Malone | Tolstoy, Leo | Requiem for the Gay Divorcé: Tony Randall, 1920-2004 | Happy Birthday, Tina Fey! | Dear Game Show Network | Similes | Happy Birthday, Bob Saget! | My Date with Harold Bloom | Superman Ain’t Shit | 1220 AM WLIT: All Lit All the Time | Davis, Dan | Bush Mountain | Spatial Relationships | Happy Birthday, Pat Summerall! | Ausherman, Stephen | The Ausherman Stories | The Rubaiyat of Felix Dennis: Awful Poetry by the Maxim Publisher | How I Got Kicked Off the Basketball Team | Friday Morning Lament | Short Introduction I Have Planned for When I Get to Break Ground on the New Wing on the Children’ Hospital in My Town | Happy Birthday, I. M. Pei! | Eat, Shoot, & Leave This!: Dear Lynne Truss | Happy Birthday, William Shakespeare! | Dear Penthouse Forum | Happy Birthday, Charlotte Rae! | I Do Something Terrible, Liz Removes Her Underwear, & You Start Talking Dirty | Speed Reader | Garcia, Nicanor | Dave Chappelle: The Grand Impostor | Some Things Remain Impossible, Despite the Heart’s Will | Happy Birthday, Carmen Electra! | Excerpts from the Hipster Law Treatise | Weathersfield | Happy Birthday, Suge Knight! | Liner Notes for The Best of Trevor Seigler: Covers | Pimpin’ Like a Pirate | Edible Television | New Releases This Week | Great Moments in Pantyhose Jurisprudence | Most Logical Answer Yet | Happy Birthday, Pete Rose! | My Zombie Movie | Truce with Hip-Hop | Some Things You Ought to Have Mentioned before You Brought Me, Your Irish-Catholic Boyfriend, to Meet Your Parents at My First Seder Ever with Your Orthodox Family | Shepherd S. E. | Who Has the Bigger : Democratic Nominee John Kerry or President George W. 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D. * | Coverage from a Hollywood Reader | Some Sequels to Famous Books Written by the Original Authors’ Offspring | Poetic License | How to Write Gouda | Robbins, Tom* | Happy Birthday, Abe Vigoda! | Why I’ll Never Be Published in The New Yorker | K.B.N. on Engagement Rings | Moby-Dick: The Whale’s Story | Happy Birthday, Charles Barkley! | K.B.N. on Bridesmaids | Writing Well | Newman, Karen | Mailer, Norman* | Pitching to Cousin Graydon | Carter, K. Robinson | ‘Snotwatch’ by Heidi J. | Happy Birthday, Paris Hilton! | More Valentine Affairs of the Famous, as Revealed by Their Love Sonnets | Are You Lonesome Tonight? | “My Bloody Valentine” | Happy Birthday, Peter Gabriel! | Bosch, Kim | Dear Food Network | Valentine Affairs of the Famous, as Revealed by Their Love Sonnets | Happy Birthday, Judy Blume! | Motisher, George | Concerning My Recent Submission | Janzen, J. Daniel | Poetry in Pastrami: The Carnegie Deli Goes Lit | Happy Birthday, George Stephanopoulos! | Writing Good | Happy Birthday, J. M. Coetzee & JM J. Bullock! | Irving, John* | ‘And Another Thing about Bush 43’ by Maureen Dowd | Stingley, Mick | Sexyin’ Up the Classics | Barnosky, Jeff | An Assortment of Love Poems Written with the Assistance of a Pamphlet Entitled “How 2 Write Love Poems That Don’t Suck” Distributed by Delias.com, a Clothing Company That Caters to Pre-Teen Girls | Happy Birthday, Alice Cooper! | Pastorek, Whitney | Yeah, Right—“Wardrobe Failure.” I’m Sure. | Letter to Failure | Happy Birthday, Tallulah Willis! | Routh, Phillip | Nick v. The Donald | The New New York Times Book Review: This Isn’t Your Father’s New York Times Book Review! | Happy Birthday, Christie Brinkley | The Land of the Ice and Snow | Fairlee | Writers-on-Writing Month | Happy Birthday, Big Boi | Let’s Go Hoboken! | An Excerpt from Flu Shot Review Quarterly’s Winter 2004 Issue | Mr. Wolinetz Goes to Houston: Geoff’s Wacky Super Bowl XXXVIII Adventure | Armstrong, Jon | How to Wear Battle Dress | Happy Birthdays, Oprah & Tom Selleck! | Fradera, Alex | The DeVito Code | Happy Birthday, Elijah Wood! | Lembrey, Victor | The Human Campaign | How I Quit Smoking | Happy Birthday, Paul Newman! | Chambers, Cheryl | I Love Scrushy | Dear Regal Cinemas | Recently Returned Letters to Santa | Hughes, Brian | Pop Quiz & Why You Should Be Friends with Me | This Is the Ultimate Y.P.R.* | Happy Birthday, Plácido Domingo! | Gimme a Half-Caff Soy Triple Latté (No Foam) and the Unagi/Torigai Special: In Defense of the Green Mountain State | The Metamorphosis | Happy Birthday, Kate Moss! | Seigler, Trevor | Stunk ’n’ White: New ’n’ Improved!!! | Happy Birthday, Mario Van Peebles! | It’s an Honor Just to Be Read | We’re Working on It | whatfore (dot org) | Postcards from My Bed | Happy Birthday, Orlando Bloom! | Proctor, Dennis | Girl with Pearl Drops Toothpaste | Grayson, Richard | Happy Birthday, Melanie Chisholm! | Tighter Abs in Six Weeks | Meister, Ellen | Who’s the Pop Diva Queen Now, Bitch? | Aguilera, Christina* | Happy Birthday, Wolfgang Puck! | Happy Birthday, Stephen Hawking! | The Ten Most World-Famous Belgians in the World | Happy Birthday, Erin Gray! | O cuinn, kevin | Re: Spicy Latinas Want to Taste Your Big Burrito | Our Disastrous Brunch | Happy Birthday, E. L. Doctorow! | Things I Say to Various Loved Ones, Coworkers, and Strangers When My Aunt Flo Visits | Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy SquarePants | Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy SquarePants | Happy Birthday, Umberto Eco! | Richards, Jeremy | Happy Birthday, Michael Stipe! | Happy Birthday, Mel Gibson! | Happy Birthday, Cuba Gooding Jr.! | Happy Birthday, J. D. Salinger! | MMIII: The Whole Kit & Caboodle | Happy Birthday, Jesus Christ! | Tidings of Joy | Yum, pt. II | Pollack, Neal | The Roastee Responds | Never Mind the One-Liners | Youngman, Henny* | Stats for the Neal Pollack | DiGerolamo, Tony | Happy Birthdays, William Safire, Giovanni Ribisi, Peter Farrelly, Bill Pullman, Milla Jovovich, & Bob Guccione! | Mr. & Mrs. Pollack | Dear Neal Pollack | Happy Birthday, Liv Ullmann! | A Note from Ann Coulter Left On Neal Pollack’s Pillow | Happy Birthday, Don Johnson! | Neal Pollack: The Most Important Artist of Our Time | The Neal Pollack Roast | A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man | Happy Birthday, Rider Strong! | The Other 45* Ways to Leave Your Lover | Simon, Paul* | No. 9 Dream | 13 Things You Can Do with That | A Rant on the Blizzard | Miller, Dennis* | Happy Birthday, Doctor Dre! | Urban Dance | Sexton, Kay | “Social Studies,” if You Know What I Mean | The Catcher in the Rye: The Unauthorized German Translation | Happy Birthday, Woody Allen! | McNeil, Christian | The Songwriter | Happy Birthday, Christina Applegate! | Bell, Martin | Happy Birthday, Ted Bundy & Charles Starkweather! | First and Last Paragraphs of a College-Admissions Essay that Didn’t Get My Niece into Dartmouth Like She Wanted | Man-on-the-Street Interviews | Happy Birthday, Bo Derek! | The Great Gob in the Sky | Commands My Dog Hasn’t Yet Learned | Are We Having the Same Conversation? | Shearn, Amy | Daddy Left Me Alone with God | Swanton | Slick, Robin | A Plea to the People of Northern Vermont | Yes, or Psoriasis | Lemmings | The Paris Film: Director’s Commentary | Salomon, Rick* | When You Said, “Insensitive Prick,” Were You Talking to Me? | Happy Birthday, David Schwimmer! | What I Hope to Find in Hell | You Call That Celebrity Prostitution? | Happy Birthday, Demi Moore! | Why I’ll Never Be Admitted to the New York State Bar Association | Why Won’t Anybody Touch Me in My Special Place? | Requiem for “Snark” | Wonka’ed | “Wonka” | Happy Birthday, Sally Field! | Happy Birthday, Art Garfunkel! | Helmets with Horns Are the Best Kind of Helmet | I Was a Teenage Snarkist | Gotham: Four Very Short, Spooky Plays about Monsters at Large in the City | Hallmark Holiday | It’s the Great Pumpkin-Patch Farmer, Charlie Brown! | What Are We Giving Trick-or-Treaters at Our Doorstep? | A Trick-or-Treat Guide to the Houses on My Block | The Bone-Chilling, Spine-Tingling, Hair-Raising, Bloodcurdling Hallowe’en House of Horror | A Hallowe’en Message from Dr. Demento | Monks, Christopher | Happy Birthday, Vanilla Ice! | Elizabeth Smart: The Christopher Monks Interview | Lessons Learned from HBO | If We Were Marvel Comics, She’d Win a No-Prize | What I Hope to Find in Heaven | Cliffster Notes | Kelley, Heather | Shelley Jackson’s Skin Project | The Skin Project | The Skin Project | Gin Rummy | Cautionary Tales for Teens | Coulbourn, Tom | Amey, Jennifer | Happy Birthday, Joaquin Pheonix! | Thank You for Being So Understanding about That Partial Prefrontal Lobotomy | Happy Birthday, Roberto Benigni! | Happy Birthday, Roberto Benigni! | For the Record, That’s Not Why We’re Pissed at Ourselves | Happy Birthday, India.Arie! | Happy Birthday, Bobby Knight! | Winnie-the-Pooh and the Thug Life | Happy Birthday, F. Murray Abraham! | Poker | Evolution | Bowling | “Page Six” of Artforum | Krimstein, Ken | Happy Birthday, Jerry Orbach! | Pot Roast Is for Lovers | Happy Birthday, Angela Lansbury! | Kill Bill, Vol. II: Please Watch It | Tarantino, Quentin* | Happy Birthday, Penny Marshall! | Woodstock | Upcoming Titles from Y.P.R. Books: Erotica | Happy Birthday, Sir Roger Moore! | A Slice of Heaven | Terms of Endearment | Admissions Essays of Harvard Applicants Wholly Unqualified to Attend | VH1 Acquires Michael Ian Black | Happy Birthday, Sigourney Weaver! | Omit Needless Words | Happy Birthday, Yo-Yo Ma! | Random Selections from the ‘H’ Volume of the Encyclopedia | Happy Birthday, Seann William Scott! | Happy Birthday, Alicia Silverstone! | Happy Birthday, Kate Winslet! | Happy Birthday, Václav Havel! | Happy Birthday, Rachael Leigh Cook! | Happy Birthday, Charlton Heston! | What’s on the News Tonight? | Happy Birthday, Chubby Checker! | My Sitcom Pitch to a Guy in the Elevator Who I’m Pretty Sure Was NBC President Jeff Zucker, Despite His Insistence to the Contrary | Reviews by a Stupid, Bitter Asshole Who Just Got Fired and Hit the Bottle, Thereby Causing His Wife to Leave Him, Thus Forcing Him to Redouble His Drinking | Happy Birthday, Haypenny! | More New TV Shows Premièring This Week | Happy Birthday, Lacey Chabert! | Stowe | Happy Birthday, Monica Bellucci! | Premières You May Have Missed | Fall Première Week | Happy Birthday, Andrew “Dice” Clay! | Happy Birthday, Gwyneth Paltrow! | The Apology | Happy Birthday, Olivia Newton-John! | Happy Birthday, Senator Kefauver | Hollywood Interruption | Happy Birthday, Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta-Jones! | First Eight Drafts of My Resignation Letter | Y.P.R.’s Cheap & Stupid Stunt for Shameless Self-Promotion That Nonetheless Guarantees a Good Time for One and All | Inner Monologue from This Morning’s Subway Commute | Putney | Stender, Amy | Barres, Scott | Flirting with Death | Happy Birthday, Ray Charles! | Happy Birthday, Ani Difranco! | Brief Character Summaries for My Yet-to-Be-Written Play | Happy Birthday, Jerry Bruckheimer! | Happy Birthday, Dave Coulier! | Dear Jen | Happy Birthday, Tommy Lee Jones! | Chimps | Happy Birthday, Paul Walker! | Happy Birthday, Yao Ming! | No More Fun | Postmodern Irony Final Exam | On Values and Other Positions | Happy Birthday, Hugh Grant! | Happy Birthday, Adam Sandler | Gygantopithecus Blackus, or, The Hunt for “Big Al” | Happy Birthday, Henry Thomas! | Happy Birthday, Pink! | The Nature of the Carolina Ghost Crab | Delia, Christina | DiClaudio, Dennis | Happy Birthday, Brooke Burke! | Una Lettera Aperta Alla Gente Che Cerca “Piedi di Monica Bellucci” | Happy Birthday, Beyoncé! | Lady, Your Pipes Need Cleaning | Happy Birthday, Eileen Brennan! | Happy Birthday, Adam Curry! | Happy Birthday, Charlie Sheen! | Sentiments Anti-Français | Let’s Go France! | The Nose | Happy Birthday, Keanu! | A Postcard from Paris | Louis XIV’s To-Do List | Useful Phrases for the American in Paris | Everything Is Translated | Random Selections from the ‘U’ Volume of the Encyclopedia | Happy Birthday, Jason Priestly! | The Travis Diaries | Happy Birthday, Sgt. Slaughter! | Happy Birthday, Pee-wee Herman! | “I Do” | Six Months | Extreme Creative Writing | Happy Birthday, Norman Schwarzkopft! | Happy Birthday, Cindy Williams! | Larson, Darby | A Reason to Party | Happy Birthday, Erika Christenson! | Happy Birthday, Kim Catrall! | Horseshit. | Happy Birthday, Al Roker! | Happy Birthday, John Stamos! | Happy Birthday, Frank McCourt! | Happy Birthday, Bill & Tipper! | Alameda, Jackie | Possible Names for My Rock Band | Dear Christina Aguilera | “I Am Your Governor” by Arnold Schwarzenegger | Happy Birthday, Malcolm-Jamal Warner! | Happy Birthday, Patrick Swayze! | Happy Birthday, Christian Slater! | Happy Birthday, Robert Redford! | Happy Birthday, Madeleine Stowe! | Obituaries | Happy Birthday, Edward Norton! | .edu: An Exchange with My Alma Mater | “Huff in Here” by Arianna Huffington | Happy Birthday, Halle Berry! | Happy Birthday, Steve Martin! | “In Like Me” by Larry Flynt | “Watchu Talkin’ ’bout Cali?” by Gary Coleman | Happy Birthday, Casey Affleck! | Californication | Timothy McSweeney’s Pretentious Horseshit | “McSwys” | Happy Birthday, Hulk Hogan! | Happy Birthday, Alan Keyes! | Happy Birthday, Soleil Moon Frye! | Happy Birthday, M. Night Shyamalan! | Happy Birthday, Geri Halliwell! | The Nine Lives of Chester the Cat | Goth | Happy Birthday, Jonathan Silverman! | Hoff, Jessika | 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Mutated Cloned Offspring | Happy Birthday, Billy Bob Thornton! | Coates, T. J. | Behind the Scenes: Gigli | Happy Birthday, Tempestt Bledsoe! | Happy Birthday, Dom DeLuise! | Middle East Gawker | Dear Honorary Mayor of Hollywood | Happy Birthday, Arnold Schwarzenegger! | Happy Birthday, Ken Burns! | Happy Birthday, Elizabeth Berkley! | A Muggle’s Guide to the World of Harry Potter | Dialogue from Deleted Scenes from Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl | Swiffer | Happy Birthday, J. Lo! | The 10-Spot | Happy Birthday, Daniel Radcliffe! | Excerpted Transcript of the Worst Game Show Ever | Upcoming Titles from Y.P.R. Books: Travel | Happy Birthday, Larry ‘Bud’ Melman! | Happy Birthday, Jon Lovitz! | Infantile Nomenclature | Happy Birthday, Vin Diesel! | Happy Birthday, Hunter S. Thompson! | Potty Humor | Happy Birthday, David Hasselhoff! | An Intervention Discovered upon Peeling off the Label on This Bottle of Beer | Happy Birthday, Pheobe Cates! | Happy Birthdays, Brian Austin Green, Scott Foley, Brigette Nielson, Forest Whitaker, Willie Aames, Joe Satriani, Jesse “The Body” Ventura, & Arianna Huffington! | The Persistance of Memory | Ashburner, Karen | Happy Birthday, Tommy Mottola! | Happy Birthday, Patrick Stewart! | Happy Birthday, Cameron Crowe! | Happy Birthday, Harrison Ford! | Happy Birthday, Cheech! | Happy Birthday, Bill Cosby! | I Love the 80s! | Happy Birthday, Lil’ Kim! | I Sooooo Need an Intern | Why I’ll Never Be Featured at the Cannes Film Festival | Happy Birthday, Courtney Love! | Inside the Actor’s Studio | How It Ended: My Last Four Relationships | Happy Birthday, Kevin Bacon! | Where God Lies | A Letter from Brent D. Glass, Director of the Smithsonian National Museum of American History | George Washington’s To-Do List, July 4, 1776 | A Junior-High School Student’s Sessay Found in this Old History Textbook | The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming! | Four Fours | Fourth of July Fourthiness | If I Could Fly or Shoot Lasers from My Eyes | Happy Birthday, Tom Cruise! | Reminiscing | Happy Birthday, Jose Canseco! | Hey, That’s My C(r)ab! | Happy Birthday, Pamela Anderson! | Happy Birthday, Derek Jeter! | An AOL Chat among Marcel Marceau, Teller, and That Chick from The Piano | Happy Birthdays, Busy Philipps & Linda Cardellini! | Upcoming Titles from Y.P.R. Books: Self-Help | Things I’ve Learned from the Internet | [Nick Owes Geoff $5] | Happy Birthday, Mick Fleetwood! | Hey, Shakespeare, Kiss My Ass! | Dear Spike Lee | Dear Hip-Hop | Happy Birthday, Selma Blair! | Sports Origins | Happy Birthday, Nicole Kimdan! | Your Desk Is a Wonderland | Happy Birthday, Kathleen Turner! | Faster than a Speeding Bullet | Inner Monologue from This Morning’s Subway Commute | Happy Birthday, Roger Ebert! | The Global Male | Happy Birthday, Joe Piscopo! | Grove, Diana Lynn | Happy Birthday, Yasmine Bleeth! | Gross Anatomy | Ng, Mike | Happy Birthday, Mary-Kate & Ashley! | Re: My Afternoon | Justin Timberlake’s Acceptance Speech for the American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers “Songwriter of the Year” Award | McGregor, J. D. | Happy Birthday, Marv Albert! | Happy Birthday, Gene Wilder! | Cooking | Puck Everlasting: Stanley Cup 2003 | Lady, What’s With All The Cats? | What Are We Doing with Our Pucks? | What Are We Doing for Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals? | A Day in the Life of Phil Pritchard, Guardian of the Stanley Cup | A Letter from “Toothless” Jim O’Brien, the Oldest Living Stanley Cup Winner | “Rectum? I Damn Near Killed ’Em!” | You’re Firing Me? | Abraham, David | Happy Birthday, Gary U.S. Bonds! | An Excerpt from the Best Harlequin Romance Novel Ever | Silverman, David | Happy Birthday, Marky Mark! | Your First Time | How to Fix Your Canon Copier | Happy Birthday, Dr. Ruth! | Newell, Brian | Why This Broken Finger Sucks/Doesn’t Suck | Happy Birthday, Chuck Barris! | Boneless Spare Ribs | Why Ari Really Quit | Happy Birthday, Ted McGinley! | Happy Birthday, Bob Hope! | Not Suitable for All Ages | Happy Birthday, Kylie Minogue! | Sally’s Guide to Cleansing Your Corporate Soul | Purple Pants | Happy Birthday, Todd Bridges! | I’ve Got Your Memorial Day Sale Right Here! | Remember Our Fallen Heroes | You’re Invited to the Big Wood Annual Memorial BBQ Bash. . ! | Memorial Day Mania! | Happy Birthday, Ian McKellan! | A Long-Lost Love Letter from a U.S. Soldier Stationed in Germany During World War II to His Sweetie Back Home, Discovered beneath the Floorboards of this Old Apartment | Happy Birthday, Jewel! | Happy Birthday, Drew Carey! | Wedding Jitters | Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Not Dead (They Are Hiding) | Happy Birthday, Mr. T! | Ten 10s | Buffy’s and Dawson’s Farewells | Happy Birthday, Bronson Pinchot | My Cult Is Having Serious Problems | Ari and Aaron Exit Stage Right | The Matrix Reloaded | Happy Birthday, Billy Joel! | Nueve de Mayo | It’s All about the Sacagaweas | Happy Birthday, Gary Glitter! | Ransom-Note Writing Tips | Happy Birthday, Breckin Meyer! | Prenatal Hoop Dreams | Happy Birthday, George Clooney! | ¡Cinco de Mayo! | A Message from the Mexican Minister of Tourism | Re: Why Girls Can’t Drive | ¿What Are We Doing with Our Empty Corona Bottles? | ¡Don’t Want No Mexican Radio! | ¡How We’re Celebrating Cinco de Mayo! | Happy Birthday, Danielle Fishel! | Dear Fruit Loops | Geoff Wolinetz, Guest Bartender | Springtime in the Ghetto | Happy Birthday, Tim McGraw! | Around the World | Happy Birthday, Kirsten Dunst! | Life as a Houseboat | Happy Birthday, Carnie Wilson! | Happy Birthday, Master P! | Why Girls Can’t Drive | Grover, Lisa | Jay-Z’s “Do Re Mi” | Happy Birthday, Penélope Cruz! | Happy Birthday, Al Pacino! | Pen Pals | Results | Happy Birthdays, Cedric & Djimon! | I Could Simonize My Car | McDermott, Jack | I’m a Red Hot Chili Pepper! | Happy Birthday, Joyce DeWitt! | Kiedis, Anthony* | Scenes from Next Week’s Episode of “Potato, Come Home!” | I Can’t Wait for My Midlife Crisis! | Happy Birthday, Tony Danza! | “Easter? I Hardly Know Her!” | Happy Birthday, Victoria Beckham! | Happy Birthday, James Woods! | Lo! Bread of Affliction: How to Flirt with a Guest at the Seder | More Soup, Please | Dear KTU | XL | Happy Birthday, Samantha Fox! | A Glimpse into the Domestic Life of my Least Favorite English Professor | Happy Birthday, Adrien Brody! | Happy Birthday, Sarah Michelle Gellar! | Top 10 Things That Sucked about My Day (In No Particular Order) | Kucharsky, Jason | Dear Spam | Happy Birthday, Joel Grey! | To the Chap Who Finds This Bottled-Enclosed Message | Happy Birthday, Mandy Moore! | My Huge Head | Generic 60s Beach Sitcom | Happy Birthday, Jenna Jameson! | Happy Birthday, Robin Wright Penn! | Cause Célèbre | Happy Birthday, Jackie Chan! | … And the Horse You Rode in On | Dear Sally Field’s Agent | Dear N.Y.T.B.R. Pt. V | How to Get Rid of a Body Using Ordinary Household Objects | Happy Birthday, David Blaine! | MacFarlane, James | Do Not Spindle or Mutilate | Happy Birthday, Marlon Brando! | Happy Birthday, Jane Goodall! | Happy Birthday, Alec Baldwin! | Mistakes I’ve Made … | Happy Birthday, Ron Palillo! | Hasselhoff: A Retrospective | Le Jour d’Imbécile d’Avril | Tag Des April Dummkopfs | Happy Birthday, Method Man! | Clips from Upcoming Films I Don’t Want to See | Happy Birthday, Christopher Walken! | Dear N.Y.T.B.R. Pt. IV | That’s Not How You Shave a Bear | Smuggled Goods | Things I Can’t Believe Happened (March 2003) | Middleman, Harold | A TV-Commercial Script | Happy Birthday, Amy Smart! | Happy Birthday, Steven Tyler! | Nunnery vs. Cathouse | Happy Birthday, Gloria Steinem! | Happy Birthday, Nena! | Why Do People Keep Telling Me I’m Racist and Stupid? | Happy Birthday, Keri Russell | Happy Birthday, Ric Ocasek | Dear N.Y.T.B.R. Pt. III | Oscar Coverage 2003 | Henny Youngman’s Lifetime Achievement Award Acceptance Speech | Bruce Vilanche’s To-Do List | What’s in My Oscar Goodie Bag? | A Postcard from Joan | Crappy Oscar Song that Is Not Clever but Shoots for Cheap Laughs Based on Recognition of Pop Melodies and the Juxtaposition of Movie Titles | Complete List of Nominees | Happy Birthday, Andrew Lloyd Weber & Stephen Sondheim | Happy Birthday, Reese Witherspoon | Old-Timey Sales Pitch | Happy Birthday, Rosie O’Donnell! | Axis of Weasel | Happy Birthday, Spike Lee! | Dear Froot Loops | Dear HBO | Alternative Uses for Instant Paper Pulp | Happy Birthday, Bruce Willis! | Happy Birthday, Tyrone Hill! | If S.T.D.s Were People, I’d Be China | Cavanaugh, Pierre | Happy Birthday, Queen Latifah! | Happy Birthday, Rob Lowe! | A Salute to Some Things Irish | Dear N.Y.T.B.R. Pt. II | A Time to Laugh, a Time to Cry | My Dinner with Bellucci and Bellow | Happy Birthday, Michael Caine! | L’Chiam! | Happy Birthday, Fred Berry! | Sticky Situation | Happy Birthday, Ron Jeremy! | Beef | Happy Birthday, Joey Buttafuoco | I’m Sorry, What? | Happy Birthday, Chuck Norris! | Dear Secretary of Transportation | Dear Oxford | Dear New York Times Book Review | Dear N.Y.T.B.R., Pt. I | Strip This! | Dear Maxell | Koufax! The Musical | Dear M&M;’s | Dear Dairy Barn | Ask Professor Quark | E-mail to G-d | Tequiza Makes Me Tequeasy | Happy Birthday, Julie Bowen! | Dear AOL | Dear Coca-Cola | Happy Birthday, Roger Daltrey! | Dear Dr. Zizmor | A Good Piece of ‘S’ | Dear the Gap | Reardon, Sally | Dear Starbucks | Semper Fi | Stuff that Sounds like Porn | The Semi-Private Thoughts of Connie Chung | Why I Will Never Win the Nobel Peace Prize | A Star Is Born | Dear Sierra Mist | Lenny Goldfarb, Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse | Confessions of a Kindergarten Mind | Five-Second Theater Proudly Presents Play on Words: A Drama in One Act | Cha Cha Cha | A Short Film That Will Be Rated ‘R’, for Nudity, Drug Use, Adult Language, and Excessive Violence, in That Order | Stillman, Ray | That One Time I (an American) Called England (a Country in Europe) | Jobs | From the Producers of “24” | Advance Publicity for My Unwritten Masterpiece, in Case I’m Dead | A Miramax Development Executive’s Notes on My Date Last Night | Submit! | About Y.P.R. | Links | Missing Link | Sausage Link | Cuff Links | Link Hogthrob | Chain Links | Lancelot Link | Hyper Links | ©, Etc. | Dear Lesotho | Rufferto, Bobby | Appeal to the U.S. Government | Happy Birthday, Bob Seger! | You Like Me, You Really Like | It Will Always Be Burma to Me | So You’ve Decided to Subscribe to Y.P.R.’s Mass Communiqué | Right On | Unsubscribe | Subscribe | Suggestion Box | Thanks. | Kindred Spirits | Support | Contact | Suggestions for Reading and Enjoying Yankee Pot Roast | A Recipe for Yankee Pot Roast | “Scrawl” | “Kitsch” | “Shine” | Happy Birthday, Matthew Lillard! | Happy Birthday, Yakov Smirnoff! | Happy Birthday, Mary Lou Retton! | Happy Birthday, Sonny Chiba! | Happy Birthday, Linda Blair! | Happy Birthday, Emma Bunton! | Happy Birthday, Buzz Aldrin! | Happy Birthday, John Carpenter! | Abraham, Josh | Jezarian, Nick | Wolinetz, Geoff | You Cannot Love All the People All the Time | Letter of Resignation | Only Time | Out of My Cold, Dead Hands | Dust in the Wind | Begin the Begin | Correspondence | And the Beat Goes On | Today I Play Hooky | Ask Not for Whom the Bell Tolls … | The Real World Awaits | Critics, Shmritics | Cheese, Glorious Cheese | Those Were the Salad Days, although These Are Good, Too | Monday Morning Lament | Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza | Untitled Again | Untitled | Untitled Post | I Am Going to Die Alone | The Succulent Cantaloupe | And on that Note, Let’s Cue the Music … | “Prehistoric Logo” |

By History

February 24, 2007 | Happy Birthday, Steve Jobs!
February 23, 2007 | Form Letter Rejection from the Magazine Every Day with Rachael Ray
February 23, 2007 | Carter, Theodore
February 22, 2007 | Timm Angel, Cleanfreak: The Uncut DVD
February 22, 2007 | Scribbly
February 22, 2007 | Smith, Tyler Stoddard
February 21, 2007 | Theatrical Terms and Trivia
February 21, 2007 | Garduño, Federico
February 20, 2007 | Birth Announcement
February 20, 2007 | Here’s a Logo
February 16, 2007 | crapbooking!
February 16, 2007 | Broken Type
February 16, 2007 | Jasper, David
February 15, 2007 | Disquieting Modern Trends: Not So Super Bowl Edition 2007
February 15, 2007 | The Real Thing
February 14, 2007 | Vaguely Valentines
February 14, 2007 | Two Romantic Poems
February 14, 2007 | Sweethearts
February 14, 2007 | Schwartz, Greg
February 14, 2007 | Miles, Martha
February 13, 2007 | Valentine’s Day Massacre
February 13, 2007 | My One and Only
February 13, 2007 | Broken Hearts
February 13, 2007 | Klein, Dan
February 12, 2007 | Letter of Directions
February 12, 2007 | Last Will
February 9, 2007 | Disquieting Modern Trends: Meta-Holiday Edition
February 9, 2007 | Thank You, Come Again
February 8, 2007 | Space Playa
February 8, 2007 | Neil Strauss: Updated Notes on The Game for Astronauts
February 8, 2007 | NASA Worm
February 7, 2007 | Now That I’m an International Jewel Thief
February 7, 2007 | Results
February 7, 2007 | Gamelli, Ralph
February 6, 2007 | Potty Cam
February 6, 2007 | Things You May Exclaim After Tumbling Down a Flight of Stairs That Turn Out to Be Made Entirely of Funnel Cake
February 6, 2007 | Flickr Pictures
February 6, 2007 | Held, Lucas
February 5, 2007 | Some Editorial Changes
February 5, 2007 | Duct Tape
January 29, 2007 | Beavis and Butt-Head Do Beckett
January 29, 2007 | Diarrhea, Cha Cha Cha
January 26, 2007 | Design Notes for the Richard Ford “Existence Period” Roller Coaster in Haddam, New Jersey
January 26, 2007 | Kiraly, Andrew
January 24, 2007 | An American Casanova in New York, by Balthus Poindexter: A Reading Group Guide
January 24, 2007 | Hopkins, Thomas
January 22, 2007 | My Court-Ordered Apology
January 12, 2007 | Notes Toward a Monograph Entitled “The Secret World of The Honeymooners: A Study in Sexual Perversion”
January 12, 2007 | Gaffney, Larry
December 24, 2006 | The Ghosts of Christmas Past
December 22, 2006 | Christmas Correspondence Between Advice Columnist “Mother Wisdom” and a Disgruntled Reader
December 21, 2006 | Frosty’s Lament
December 20, 2006 | The Case of the London Terrorists
December 19, 2006 | Famous Comics Speak Out on Handling Hecklers
December 19, 2006 | Indelible
December 19, 2006 | Sweeney, Shap
December 14, 2006 | Teri Hatcher Wants John Bolton to Know That She Once Suffered a Career Slump, Too
December 14, 2006 | Hoffnungslose Hausfrau
December 14, 2006 | Kemper, Ellie
December 13, 2006 | The Day I Interviewed Lloyd Dobler
December 13, 2006 | Neither Bought, Sold, nor Processed
December 12, 2006 | In Your Eyes
December 12, 2006 | Nadler, Charlie
December 11, 2006 | Magician Doug Henning Has Something on His Mind
December 8, 2006 | Kane, Jessica Francis
December 8, 2006 | George Allen Addresses the Modern Language Association’s Annual Conference
December 7, 2006 | You Are Cordially Invited …
December 6, 2006 | One Amateur Writer’s In-Depth Analysis Of A First Grader’s Creative Writing Exercise
December 5, 2006 | Disquieting Modern Trends: Our Languor Is Broken by the Crumbling of Society (Cha-Cha) Edition
December 4, 2006 | The Iceman You Didn’t Hear About
December 1, 2006 | Unacceptable
December 1, 2006 | Macomber, Trevor
November 30, 2006 | Zach de la Rocha Performs the Preschool Poetry Slam Circuit
November 29, 2006 | Letter to Chris Noth: “Mr. Big,” Detective Logan, and Owner of NYC’s The Cutting Room
November 28, 2006 | Samuel Pepys Visits the Wisconsin Dells
November 27, 2006 | A Moral Pharmacist
November 22, 2006 | Gobble, Gobble
November 20, 2006 | Good Times, Bad Times
November 14, 2006 | From Ye Drye Cleanner
November 10, 2006 | Ruined Music
November 10, 2006 | If Mice Could Speak
November 8, 2006 | Selected Letters from Peter Cook’s Correspondence with Dudley Moore, 1967-1995
November 7, 2006 | Mutant 70s Television Hybrids
November 7, 2006 | “Me Decade”
November 3, 2006 | Fashion Preview: Four Styles You Should Expect to See Hipsters Wearing This Fall
November 3, 2006 | “Tommy”
November 1, 2006 | How Various Michael J. Fox Roles Would Be Different Had Rush Limbaugh Instead Been Cast
November 1, 2006 | “1.21 Jiggawatts”
October 31, 2006 | Give Us Treats
October 31, 2006 | Sierra, Gabrielle
October 30, 2006 | Former Gawker Editor Jessica Coen’s First Day at Vanity Fair Online
October 30, 2006 | “Gawking”
October 27, 2006 | Phil Keoghan Shakes Things Up at the Mat
October 27, 2006 | This Monday—A Very Special Evening Full of Fright, Bea, and Literary Buffoonery
October 25, 2006 | The Warning Label I Recently Neglected to Read
October 24, 2006 | “Standard Logo”
October 24, 2006 | A Birthday Card from Chuck Palahniuk
October 23, 2006 | Everything Is My Everything
October 21, 2006 | Cox, Jocelyn
October 20, 2006 | Woodiwiss, Bob
October 20, 2006 | About the Artist
October 20, 2006 | “Y.P.R. Makes Mistakes”
October 19, 2006 | Letter to Chris Noth: Mr. Big, Detective Logan, and Owner of N.Y.C.’s Cutting Room
October 17, 2006 | 36 Hours: Penn Station
October 13, 2006 | William Shakespeare’s “Serpents Upon a Wingèd Vessel”
October 13, 2006 | “Snakes on a Logo”
October 11, 2006 | A Typical Day for Sagat from Street Fighter
October 10, 2006 | Less Overtly Salacious but More Incriminating Republican IM Transcripts
October 10, 2006 | “We’ve Got Mail”
October 7, 2006 | Disquieting Modern Trends: Our Prescience Frightens Us Edition
October 6, 2006 | Masterpiece Theatre Presents: Charles Dickens’ Bleak House, Starring the Gremlins
October 6, 2006 | “Mogwai”
October 5, 2006 | An Excerpt from Gotcha! The 500 Best Practical Jokes for Amputees
October 5, 2006 | Sawalich, William
October 4, 2006 | Please Be Allowing Me to Tell You About My Kiosk, Which Sells ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic Caftans, Kilts, and Yarmulkes!
October 4, 2006 | Coming Soon(-ish)
October 4, 2006 | Salerno, Kathy
October 2, 2006 | Dear K-Fed
October 2, 2006 | Savelyev, Simon
September 28, 2006 | Select Passages from The International Guide for Metric Conversion
September 27, 2006 | A Memo From Your Pollster
September 26, 2006 | Strategy Guide for Capcom’s Lit Fighter II: The Word Warriors
September 25, 2006 | Op-Ed Recipe
September 23, 2006 | Martin, David
September 22, 2006 | Corollaries to Godwin’s Law
September 21, 2006 | Elaborate and Highly Ineffective Ways to Kill Yourself at Work
September 20, 2006 | Money-Making Secrets—Revealed!!!
September 20, 2006 | Y.P.R. Print Update
September 19, 2006 | Disquieting Modern Trends: Things That Should Work Better in an Age of Unprecedented Technological Mastery and Yet, Maddeningly, Do Not Edition
September 19, 2006 | Dudbridge, Lindsay
September 11, 2006 | Dear Mr. Cigarette
September 10, 2006 | Wennermark, Erik
September 7, 2006 | ¡Los Bastardos Anónimos!
September 6, 2006 | Disquieting Modern Trends: We Do More Than Watch Nip/Tuck till 3 a.m. (Seriously, We Do) Edition
September 5, 2006 | Wedding Weekend … Sha La La La
September 4, 2006 | Aileen Gallagher Up in the Guff Spot
September 4, 2006 | Gallagher, Aileen
September 4, 2006 | Better Buy a Bea. They’re Buttah!
September 1, 2006 | Tell ’Em How You Really Feel
August 31, 2006 | Quiz: Are You Curious?
August 30, 2006 | David Sedaris Rules the World
August 29, 2006 | Back from the Dead and Desperate for Cash, Charles Bukowski Tries to Write a Chick Lit Novel
August 29, 2006 | John, David
August 28, 2006 | Waters, David
August 23, 2006 | Hey, Poetry!: 10 Poems
August 22, 2006 | North Korea Furthers Its Demands
August 21, 2006 | Bea Arthur, Booze, Hilarity … August 28th Is Gonna Rock!
August 17, 2006 | King Arthur: The Syndicated Adventures
August 16, 2006 | Mother Goose Talks … Things
August 15, 2006 | Sorry, But I Just Can’t Marry a Woman That Doesn’t Look Hot on the JumboTron
August 15, 2006 | Gorman, Jeremy
August 14, 2006 | Test Your Sexist, Ageist, and Racist Tendencies
August 13, 2006 | Jodzio, John
August 13, 2006 | Anthoni, Victor
August 3, 2006 | Ferris Bueller Fills In for The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist
August 2, 2006 | Profiles from Don’tDowryHimGirl.com
August 1, 2006 | Excerpts from The Burning Bonnet: A Tale of Love and Longing Amongst the Amish
July 31, 2006 | Zakk Wylde for the Weather Channel
July 30, 2006 | Christie, Jake
July 25, 2006 | DIGGIN’ IN THE Y.P.R. CRATES: Meet Your Subway Sandwich Artist
July 25, 2006 | “Subway”
July 24, 2006 | DIGGIN’ IN THE Y.P.R. CRATES: My C-Span Diary: Thursday, July 15, 2004
July 20, 2006 | Well, I Thought You’d Never Ask!
July 20, 2006 | Donny Most, Happy Days’ Ralph Malph, Leaves Ron Howard a Message on His Voicemail
July 19, 2006 | Swear? You Shouldn’t Swear, Young Man.
July 19, 2006 | A Reading from the Book of Genesis
July 18, 2006 | Dean, Doug
July 18, 2006 | Now That’s Some Scary Shit
July 18, 2006 | Excerpt from George Romero’s New Book of Daily Affirmations
July 18, 2006 | Dobson, Dale
July 17, 2006 | Enough with the Promises Already
July 17, 2006 | The Alcoholic Beverages of Planet Earth
July 17, 2006 | Haggerty, Geoff
July 13, 2006 | Disquieting Modern Trends: The “Branding” Edition
July 12, 2006 | Damn, That’s Hott
July 12, 2006 | The Disney Princesses Talk About Chlamydia
July 12, 2006 | “Walt’s Own Hand”
July 11, 2006 | Jesus’ Standup Act
July 11, 2006 | Really, Who Doesn’t Like Balloons?
July 10, 2006 | Come On Down and Wear Your Influences on Your Sleeve
July 10, 2006 | The U.S.A. Patriot Act … (The Fine Print)
July 6, 2006 | He Wrote the Book Which Makes Him … Well … Awesome
July 6, 2006 | Self-Justification
July 6, 2006 | Send the Kids to the Neighbors and Lock the Doors!
July 5, 2006 | Major Tom, Shootin’ Star
July 5, 2006 | What’s Attacking You?
July 3, 2006 | Wolinsky, Ross
June 29, 2006 | Celebrate Your Independence, Take Care of Your Digits
June 29, 2006 | Poets’ Ghosts at Giants Games
June 28, 2006 | Wittgenstein: The Crank Calls
June 27, 2006 | Forthcoming Novels Titled with the White-Hot Suffix “-Ist”
June 26, 2006 | Maclean, Roderick
June 26, 2006 | The Da Vinci Bandwagon
June 23, 2006 | Call for Shreek Writers!
June 23, 2006 | Murray, Edward Lee
June 23, 2006 | The Drug Diaries of Oscar Hammerstein II
June 22, 2006 | Just Trying to Be the Best Me I Can Possibly Be: Talking Points
June 21, 2006 | Announcements From the Flight Deck
June 20, 2006 | Sometimes, at Work, I Feel Like Maybe I’m Being Singled Out …
June 20, 2006 | Wolfman Taps … Or Something
June 19, 2006 | Dear Diary… You Stink
June 19, 2006 | Silver, Eric
June 19, 2006 | The MLAB Preview 2006: The Scouting Report from the Major League of Anabolic Baseball
June 16, 2006 | A Successful Date Ends Badly for Dick Wolf — Creator of TV’s Law & Order
June 15, 2006 | Modern-Day Explorers
June 15, 2006 | Doctor… WHOOP, WHOOP… Detroit
June 14, 2006 | Dating with Goofus and Gallant
June 9, 2006 | No Whammies, No Whammies, No Whammies, STOP!
June 8, 2006 | The Elephant and I
June 8, 2006 | Do I Smell Something Burning?
June 5, 2006 | Movie Synopses from the Bonds Saga
June 5, 2006 | Next Time, Maybe I’ll Knock
June 2, 2006 | Super Producer Rick Rubin Mulls His Next Move
June 2, 2006 | Hear Ye, Hear Ye!
May 26, 2006 | John, David
May 25, 2006 | Knock, Knock
May 19, 2006 | Fear Not, Shreeks Aren’t Dead, They’re … Resting
May 19, 2006 | Barely Awake
May 19, 2006 | Perez, Alexander
May 18, 2006 | Enthrone Rachael Triumphant: Alternate Pilot Concepts Featuring Rachael Ray
May 17, 2006 | Even More Examples of How Viswanathan’s Novel Mirrors the Works of Megan McCafferty
May 17, 2006 | Shinefield, Mordechai
May 16, 2006 | Non-Celebrity Gawker Stalker
May 15, 2006 | Smith, Tyler
May 15, 2006 | The Sheldon Prison Experiment
May 12, 2006 | We’d Like to Pre-Board
May 11, 2006 | Bricker, Ryan
May 11, 2006 | There’s Nothing Worse Than a Drunk Wookie
May 10, 2006 | What Real Salads Are Made Of
May 10, 2006 | When You Die—Ten Scenarios
May 10, 2006 | Rock, J. Chris & Leary, John
May 9, 2006 | Tomato and Black-Capped Chickadees Love
May 9, 2006 | Clouds: Important!
May 8, 2006 | The Sad Clown of Death Sings
May 8, 2006 | The Goonies’ Lawrence “Chunk” Cohen Prepares His Cover Letter for an M.F.A. in Creative Writing
May 8, 2006 | “Truffle Shuffle”
May 5, 2006 | Fascinating, That Fascination Is
May 5, 2006 | The Lost Letters of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr
May 5, 2006 | Bloom, Jared
May 4, 2006 | C.S.I.: The Lost Franchises
May 4, 2006 | Doot Doot…. Doody!
May 3, 2006 | Kukoda, Jack
May 3, 2006 | A Recently Divorced Movie Critic Reviews The Latest Films
May 3, 2006 | Love. Sweet!
May 2, 2006 | A Knick Fan Laments
May 2, 2006 | Summer Youth Reading List
May 2, 2006 | We’re Gonna Rock Down to Psychosis
May 1, 2006 | Street Meats, It’s the Meats of the Streets
May 1, 2006 | Rock, Paper, Scissors Redux
April 28, 2006 | Church of the Musical Cluster F*CK
April 28, 2006 | Favorable Outcomes Generated by Talking About the Weather
April 27, 2006 | That’s An Excellent Question. Let Me Get Back To You.
April 27, 2006 | Disquieting Modern Trends: Things We No Longer Think Are Disquieting, “Maybe It Doesn’t All Suck” Edition
April 26, 2006 | Lifetime: Television For Women Original Movies in Development for Fall/Spring 2006/2007
April 26, 2006 | Scooby Dooby Kajagoogoo
April 25, 2006 | Fast-Food Sit Down
April 25, 2006 | So? So, let’s dance!
April 24, 2006 | I’ll Do Whatever I Damned Well Please
April 24, 2006 | Unspoken Word Performance
April 21, 2006 | Ames, Greg
April 21, 2006 | A Love Letter
April 20, 2006 | How Looooooooong?
April 20, 2006 | Dabbene, Peter
April 20, 2006 | Rockin’ In Iraq
April 19, 2006 | Culture Club, Not just a bad 80’s bar
April 19, 2006 | Inspired by Sean Combs, Musicians Rush to Launch Fragrances
April 18, 2006 | Antosca, Nick
April 18, 2006 | Ear Harvest
April 17, 2006 | Drach, Mike
April 17, 2006 | Kool-Aid Flavors of the Go-Go 90s That Never Quite Made It
April 17, 2006 | Francesco Marciuliano
April 17, 2006 | Gutenberg? Spinning In His Grave
April 17, 2006 | Tears for Fears… and Good Charlotte’s Relevance
April 14, 2006 | Extra! Extra! Read All About It! Moronic Online Lit Journal to Go Print! Unsinkable Boat Hits Iceberg! Extra!
April 14, 2006 | Don’t Let the Door Hit you in the ass on the way out, Duffy!
April 13, 2006 | It’s Electric!
April 13, 2006 | Vampires Suck On Broadway. Truly.
April 13, 2006 | Trying to Explain the Easter Bunny to My Orthodox Jewish Girlfriend
April 13, 2006 | Tangential Stupidity
April 12, 2006 | I Wanna Be Kinetic and I Want A Webshooter Too!
April 12, 2006 | If the Neoconservatives Had Been Dentists
April 10, 2006 | Dear Kind and Patient Readers
April 5, 2006 | Crafty Like a Fox
April 4, 2006 | The Diary of One of the Baseball Cartoons on the Playstation PSP Commercial For EA Sports’ “MLB’06” After Attending Opening Day At Yankee Stadium
March 31, 2006 | Nothing Changes on New Year’s Day
March 31, 2006 | If the Brill Building Had Instead Housed a Law Firm
March 24, 2006 | Unintentionally Bitch Slapped Into Reality By Big Head Caps
March 24, 2006 | Big Brass Bunny Band
March 23, 2006 | David Mamet Channels Aristophanes
March 22, 2006 | You’ll Always Be A Part of Me
March 22, 2006 | Ordering Fast Food in the Age of the Statistically Challenged
March 22, 2006 | Brozinsky, Murray
March 21, 2006 | Hale and Hearty
March 21, 2006 | Table For Two (Morons)
March 21, 2006 | Missus Magazine
March 20, 2006 | Edgar Allen Poe Tells “The Aristocrats”
March 20, 2006 | “Nevermore”
March 20, 2006 | Oberman, Zach
March 17, 2006 | Out for Justice
March 17, 2006 | Will Pimp for Props
March 17, 2006 | Hide, Seek
March 17, 2006 | Paul Stanley Summarizes The Tragedies of William Shakespeare During Between-Song Banter from the 1977-78 KISS Alive II Tour
March 17, 2006 | Housley, Dave
March 16, 2006 | Video Killed The Y.P.R. Star
March 16, 2006 | Welcome to the Machine
March 15, 2006 | I’m Deeply Sorry
March 14, 2006 | Once There Was a Day
March 14, 2006 | I’m Totally into American Idol
March 13, 2006 | Brecht & Weill’s Annie
March 13, 2006 | Read to the Death
March 13, 2006 | “Standard Logo”
March 7, 2006 | Eleven Scenes that Help Explain Why They Pulled the Plug on M. Night Shyamalan’s Cinematic Adaptation of Life of Pi
March 5, 2006 | Make That “Borrow”
March 3, 2006 | And the Winner Is …
March 3, 2006 | Porn sans Sex
March 3, 2006 | “Bunny”
March 2, 2006 | Don’t Turn Around
March 2, 2006 | Paging David Blaine…
March 2, 2006 | The Other Side of Yuck
March 2, 2006 | The New York Post Lifestyle: Thersday
March 1, 2006 | Mom-and-Pop Business Takes an Advertising Cue from Guitar Center
March 1, 2006 | “Justice for None”
March 1, 2006 | Father Wears His Sunday Best
February 28, 2006 | Everybody’s Just Like You
February 28, 2006 | Abandoned Theme Parks
February 27, 2006 | Poetry in Motion
February 27, 2006 | On Playing Laser Tag with Joan Didion
February 22, 2006 | Hail To The Chief
February 17, 2006 | SaRaH VoWeLL
February 17, 2006 | Sarah Vowell Comments on Our Imagined Liaison
February 16, 2006 | Fan Fiction Web Site Forum Tackles Eraserhead
February 15, 2006 | Notes from the Norfolk, Virginia, Substance Abuse Services Providers Fair 2006, Waterside Convention Center
February 14, 2006 | Timeless Stories of Love for Valentine’s Day
February 14, 2006 | Scorching V.D.
February 13, 2006 | Aaron Burr and Dick Cheney
February 13, 2006 | This Generation Rules the Nation
February 13, 2006 | Disquieting Modern Trends: Post-Super Bowl Death Knell of Advertising as We Know It and Desperate Call for Return to Core Values Edition
February 13, 2006 | “It’s Good to Be the King”
February 13, 2006 | Don’t Smell the Kraut
February 13, 2006 | Elsewhere
February 10, 2006 | Brady Bunch Cliff Notes
February 10, 2006 | Literary Terms Derived Not from the Greek, but From The Brady Bunch
February 10, 2006 | Prediction: 17 Posts and He’s Outta There
February 9, 2006 | Highlights from the 2030 Grammy Awards
February 9, 2006 | “Nipper”
February 9, 2006 | Jezarian, Nick; Tobey, Matthew; & Wolinetz, Geoff
February 8, 2006 | Excerpts from the Future Tell-All Autobiography of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s Unborn Child
February 6, 2006 | See Me a Big Woman
February 6, 2006 | Extreme Sports, circa 1928
February 3, 2006 | Help! Am I Stuck in a Creedence Clearwater Revival Song? — A Survival Guide
February 2, 2006 | Open Mike
February 1, 2006 | Real Lab Notes
February 1, 2006 | Vick, Julie
January 31, 2006 | She’s Gone Electric
January 31, 2006 | Some Ground Rules I Gave 50 Cent and G-Unit before They Played My Daughter’s Bat Mitzvah
January 31, 2006 | “L’Chiam!”
January 31, 2006 | Spiewak, Aaron
January 30, 2006 | Twelfth Night of the Living Dead
January 30, 2006 | A Few Ideas for the Next Film in George Romero’s Zombie Series
January 29, 2006 | Opium.Weekend
January 29, 2006 | Koch, Elizabeth & Zuniga, Todd
January 29, 2006 | Disquieting Modern Trends: Opium Magazine Five-Year Anniversary N.Y.C. Celebration Edition
January 29, 2006 | Top 40 Castoff from a Record Stand
January 27, 2006 | Richardson-Bryan, Mike
January 27, 2006 | Kindling
January 27, 2006 | Three-legged Man O’ War
January 27, 2006 | Suggested Names for Racehorses Expected to Have Undistinguished Careers
January 26, 2006 | Like a Pigeon from Hell
January 26, 2006 | Internal Memo to the Secret Society
January 25, 2006 | Full of Strange Arrangements
January 24, 2006 | Monkey Shock
January 24, 2006 | Boom! The Black Table
January 24, 2006 | The Black Table Roast
January 24, 2006 | R.I.P., Black Table
January 24, 2006 | The Black List: Funny for Nothing and We’re Dicks for Free
January 24, 2006 | Believe the Hype? The Black Table
January 24, 2006 | Will Leitch and Eric Gillin Use Instant Messenger to Defuse a Bomb
January 24, 2006 | The Black Table: I Only Know Them for Networking Reasons
January 24, 2006 | A Quick Roast, Pt. I
January 24, 2006 | A Quick Roast, Pt. II
January 24, 2006 | The Week in Craig
January 24, 2006 | Blair, Amy
January 24, 2006 | Outgoing!
January 24, 2006 | Waxing Off: Thank You for Being a Friend
January 24, 2006 | Grierson, Tim
January 24, 2006 | Chandler, Rick
January 24, 2006 | Keller, Joel
January 24, 2006 | Koyen, Jeff
January 24, 2006 | Robertson, Lindsay
January 24, 2006 | Hubley, Jen
January 23, 2006 | I Don’t Wanna Hear That Song No More
January 23, 2006 | Deer Dents
January 23, 2006 | Selling Myself, Installment II
January 23, 2006 | “Musicless Television”
January 20, 2006 | Slow, Slow, Quick, Quick, Slow
January 20, 2006 | Sneak Preview: Merchant-Ivory’s Hostel
January 20, 2006 | “Hostel”
January 19, 2006 | Poor Old Johnny Ray
January 19, 2006 | From the Diary of Out of This World’s Evie Garland
January 19, 2006 | “Bundy”
January 18, 2006 | Mesh & Lace
January 18, 2006 | The New York Times Slash Fic
January 18, 2006 | “Gray Lady”
January 17, 2006 | Leave the TV and the Radio Behind
January 16, 2006 | Talk²
January 16, 2006 | Disquieting Modern Trends: Navel-Gazing Edition
January 16, 2006 | “1 x 10¹⁰⁰”
January 13, 2006 | Smell Like I Sound
January 13, 2006 | Intimidation Strategies to Be Avoided in a Street Fight
January 13, 2006 | “Puma”
January 12, 2006 | Partout Que Je Ne Suis Pas
January 12, 2006 | An Evening at the Tokyo Ballet
January 12, 2006 | “Rising Sun”
January 11, 2006 | Do You Hear Me? Do You Care?
January 11, 2006 | An Entry to the M.P.A.A.’s Contest in Which College Students Are Asked to Make a P.S.A. about the Problem of Online Piracy
January 11, 2006 | Singal, Jesse
January 10, 2006 | Bringing You the Best New Music of 1982
January 10, 2006 | Abre los Ojos
January 10, 2006 | Rejected Pitches for NBC’s Three Wishes: Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Division
January 10, 2006 | Procé, Brendan
January 9, 2006 | Y.P.R.’s WLIR/WDRE Shreek-of-the-Week of the Day
January 9, 2006 | That Crazy Casbah Sound
January 6, 2006 | Excerpts from T.S. Eliot’s First Draft of The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock Written While He Was Deliriously Hungry
January 6, 2006 | “Snicker”
January 5, 2006 | Pep Talk
January 5, 2006 | “The Passion of the Pot Roast”
January 5, 2006 | Galef, David
January 4, 2006 | Bat Play
January 4, 2006 | “Stately Wayne Manor”
January 4, 2006 | Kharakh, Ben
January 3, 2006 | AAA Gas-Saving Tips: Updated for the Coming Oil Apocalypse
January 3, 2006 | “Time”
January 1, 2006 | Selected Words and Phrases from William Safire’s “On Words” Column That Reveal a Libertine Heart Beating within the Conservative Wordsmith’s Bosom
January 1, 2006 | Gorp
December 22, 2005 | MMV
December 21, 2005 | Tiding of Joy
December 21, 2005 | An American Psycho Christmas
December 21, 2005 | “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”
December 21, 2005 | Last Christmas, I Gave You My Heart
December 20, 2005 | Comedy Gold
December 20, 2005 | New Adaptations for the Holiday Theatre Season
December 20, 2005 | “Playbill”
December 20, 2005 | I Almost Googled My Life Away
December 19, 2005 | Three Concerns about This Caption
December 19, 2005 | Die Hard Police Officer John McClane Prepares His Cover Letter for Admission to an M.F.A. in Creative Writing Program
December 19, 2005 | “Yippee-Kai-Yay”
December 19, 2005 | Harnetiaux, John
December 16, 2005 | The Complete Radar, Vol. I-II
December 16, 2005 | The Complete Radar
December 16, 2005 | Excerpt from an Article Found in the Handbill for “Let’s Combat Hunger: A Fashion Charity Soirée,” November 14, 2005, New York, New York
December 16, 2005 | “R.I.P., Radar”
December 16, 2005 | Sacks, Mike
December 15, 2005 | Pity, Indeed
December 15, 2005 | Mint on a Pillow
December 15, 2005 | The White Stripes at the Hotel Yorba
December 15, 2005 | “Aldous Huxley”
December 14, 2005 | Disquieting Modern Trends: Back to Basics Edition
December 14, 2005 | The Absent Adults of Childhood Favorites Speak
December 14, 2005 | “Peanuts”
December 13, 2005 | Looking a Gift Horse in the Mouth
December 13, 2005 | The Alarmist’s Reference Book of Miserable Maladies That Are Possibly Infecting Your Body at This Very Moment
December 13, 2005 | Dennis DiClaudio, pathological worrywart
December 13, 2005 | A Message from Avian Influenza A (H5N1) to the People of Planet Earth: I Will Kill You All!
December 13, 2005 | “Achoo!”
December 13, 2005 | Correção (Correction)
December 12, 2005 | Those from Whom No Guff Will Be Brooked
December 12, 2005 | “Portzebie”
December 12, 2005 | Phillips-Sandy, Mary
December 9, 2005 | Pabst for Pulitzer
December 9, 2005 | Selling Myself, Installment I
December 9, 2005 | “Blue Ribbon”
December 9, 2005 | Roberts, Kent
December 8, 2005 | Instantly Karmic
December 8, 2005 | Resignation Letter from an Organ Grinder’s Monkey
December 8, 2005 | “Hey, Hey, It’s Y.P.R.”
December 7, 2005 | Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Still Not Dead (They’re Just Playing Hide and Seek)
December 7, 2005 | “Double Word Score”
December 7, 2005 | He Sees You When You’re Eating His Cookies, You Pudgy Bastard
December 6, 2005 | Does Your Child Have A.D.H.D.?
December 6, 2005 | “Pez”
December 5, 2005 | Various Restaurant Menus Explain Themselves
December 5, 2005 | “Potent Potable”
December 5, 2005 | Jim Davis Probably Made Ten Times My Yearly Salary for These Ten Words
December 5, 2005 | This Will Be The Week That Will Be
December 2, 2005 | Cartoons for Grown-Ups
December 2, 2005 | Subtle Changes to the Titles of Children’s Shows That Would Require Drastic Changes in Program Content
December 2, 2005 | “Nickelodeon”
December 1, 2005 | Condolences Posted to the Funeral Home Web Site Upon the Death of “Zesty the Clown”
December 1, 2005 | “Clown”
November 30, 2005 | He Knows When You Are Confused and Disappointed
November 30, 2005 | The Recently Discovered “Erotick Poetry” of Daniel Chelly-Ladbourne
November 30, 2005 | “Naughty Bits”
November 29, 2005 | Nice Things to Say to Chris Columbus after Seeing Rent
November 29, 2005 | “Rent”
November 28, 2005 | Thank You for Taking Me to See Your Friend’s Band
November 28, 2005 | “OMFUG”
November 26, 2005 | Listen:
November 25, 2005 | Starbucks Letter Regarding Seemingly Illogical Size Nomenclature
November 24, 2005 | What a Turkey
November 24, 2005 | Cold Turkey
November 23, 2005 | Aardvarks Like Root Beer: Nine Poems
November 22, 2005 | Kurt Vonnegut Jr.’s Canon
November 22, 2005 | “Kilgore Trout”
November 22, 2005 | Excerpts from Other Speeches Mistakenly Attributed to Kurt Vonnegut
November 22, 2005 | As the Pizza Turns …
November 22, 2005 | Highlights from Kurt Vonnegut’s Friar’s Club Roast
November 22, 2005 | “Now It Can Be Sold” by Drinkmore Stout
November 22, 2005 | The Good News
November 22, 2005 | Deadeye Dicks
November 21, 2005 | Of Course the Fat Cat Wants Pizza, You Maroon
November 21, 2005 | A Press Conference with New White House Spokesman Darth Vader
November 21, 2005 | “Episode I”
November 21, 2005 | Hasan, Russell
November 18, 2005 | Nipsey Fan Seeks Same
November 18, 2005 | Excerpts from What Lessons Can We Learn from Little Johnny, Neighborhood Scamp?—Health & Citizenship Development Series (Educational Resources Ltd.)
November 18, 2005 | “If This Schoolhouse’s A-Rockin’”
November 17, 2005 | Onstage Play-by-Play: Oklahoma!
November 17, 2005 | “OK!”
November 16, 2005 | The Most Excellent () and Lamentable () Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet, Told Entirely in Emoticons
November 16, 2005 | “R + J”
November 14, 2005 | Cartoon Episodes about Science
November 14, 2005 | “Adult Swimming”
November 11, 2005 | Wherefore Art Thou, Y.P.R.?
November 7, 2005 | Scientific Study Finds That Chickens Think about the Future
November 7, 2005 | Drennon, Raleigh
November 4, 2005 | May We Use Your Loo?
November 4, 2005 | Questions for Discussion
November 4, 2005 | Rogers, Joseph
November 3, 2005 | The Adventures of Dr. Squat: “Aunt Linda, You’re a Pig”
November 2, 2005 | Powerful Stories Made Impotent by the Introduction of Cellphones
November 2, 2005 | Kahn, Justin
November 2, 2005 | Jon Is Fooled by a Three-Dollar Bill, or Maybe He’s as Gay as One
November 1, 2005 | In Response to My Little Sister’s Plea for Assistance on Her History Report—Topic: “The Middle Ages”
November 1, 2005 | Feezell, Eric
October 31, 2005 | A Play In One Act
October 31, 2005 | Happy Hallowe’en!
October 31, 2005 | Y.P.R Is Kind of Crazy with a Spooky Little Reader Like You
October 28, 2005 | Is This Shit Supposed to Be Funny?
October 28, 2005 | Excerpts from Paul Stanley’s Testimony Before the Senate Armed Services Committee Regarding the Capability and Readiness of the Kiss Army™ in the War Against Terror™
October 25, 2005 | What I Could Have Done to that Jerk Who Asked Me “Hey You Know Karate?” Had I Actually Known Karate
October 24, 2005 | The Dog Should Have Killed Garfield
October 24, 2005 | Human Brain and Animal Brain, Analogous? No!: A Keen Example of Objective Scientific Argument by Professor Pierre Dugelay, Ph.D., Philosophy and Cultural Studies, Translation to English Permitted for Higher Education Purposes Only
October 24, 2005 | Yeh, James
October 21, 2005 | 32°F or Jon’s IQ: Which Is Higher?
October 21, 2005 | Waiting Room
October 20, 2005 | And Funky Winkerbean Languishes in Obscurity
October 20, 2005 | Captain Red Shirt
October 20, 2005 | Conway, Jack
October 19, 2005 | Staring into the Abyss
October 19, 2005 | A Frequent Contributor to a Popular Internet Humor Site Is Transported Back in Time, and, after Finding Work as a Writer on Your Show of Shows, Is Reprimanded by Sid Caesar within One Week
October 18, 2005 | Political Posturing
October 18, 2005 | Madore, P. H.
October 17, 2005 | Will Wet Nurse Never Cease?
October 17, 2005 | Schmitt, Jeff
October 14, 2005 | Crap in Three Panels, for almost Three Decades
October 14, 2005 | What a Rick Steves Travel Guide to Venice Would Look Like if Rick Steves Were Severely Agoraphobic
October 13, 2005 | Adventures in Primatology
October 13, 2005 | Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief as Experienced by Me Reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
October 13, 2005 | Verlizzo, Lauren
October 12, 2005 | Jim Davis’s First Dick Joke
October 12, 2005 | Rock Stars Enjoying Anonymity
October 11, 2005 | Macho Nacho
October 10, 2005 | Cassius Karl
October 10, 2005 | Karl Rove’s Ringside Boasts
October 10, 2005 | This Comic Strip Depresses the Shit out of Me
October 9, 2005 |
October 9, 2005 | Dog Licks Cone & Cat
October 8, 2005 | Get It? Because He Ate the Bird
October 7, 2005 | Some Things Are Best Left Unsaid
October 7, 2005 | Phone Call Informing the New Nobel Prize Winner in Physics of His Award, Shortly after He’s Had a Breakdown and Reverted to a Childlike State, as KISS Alive Plays in the Background
October 7, 2005 | “Béseme Mucho”
October 6, 2005 | The Horror! The Horror!
October 5, 2005 | Cracked Baby
October 5, 2005 | R.I.P., Nipsey Russell
October 5, 2005 | Dear Nipsey
October 4, 2005 | Some of Hollywood’s Greatest Surprise Endings Revealed and Synopsized
October 4, 2005 | “Sixth Sense”
October 4, 2005 | Ruehlmann, Greg
October 4, 2005 | Punting Odie, Pointing at All of Us
October 3, 2005 | 70s Music Is Stupid
October 3, 2005 | Following the Trail Blazed by Margaret Truman
October 3, 2005 | Rosh Hashanah Head Rush
October 3, 2005 | Disquieting Modern Trends: Interacting with the Smarty-Pants yet Ultimately Insufferable Public Edition
October 3, 2005 | Pavlov Is Shuffling in His Urn
October 2, 2005 | Figler, Dayvid
October 2, 2005 | This One Really Sucks
October 2, 2005 | Donor Secrecy
October 1, 2005 | Curiosity Killed Something Else
September 30, 2005 | The Cat Lies
September 29, 2005 | Kanye West’s Cronyism
September 29, 2005 | Justify My Love
September 28, 2005 | Beware the Dust Mites
September 26, 2005 | Nappy Cat
September 26, 2005 | To the Pirates, from the Cowboys
September 23, 2005 | Perhaps the Other End Is a Garfield Phone
September 23, 2005 | The Trials and Tribluation of Doug Clifton, Ghost Whisperer
September 22, 2005 | Funniest E-Mail of the Century
September 22, 2005 | Jon Arbuckle and the Spiders from Mars
September 22, 2005 | Tonight … and Beyond!
September 21, 2005 | Raining Cats
September 20, 2005 | Following the Letter of the Law, but Not the Spirit
September 19, 2005 | Starmer, Aaron
September 19, 2005 | The Cat Drinks Some Super-Caffeinated Coffee
September 19, 2005 | Unlikely Pen Pals: Penny Dobson, Seventh-Grader from Suburban New Jersey circa 1985, and Vladimir Tarkovsky, Inmate of a Siberian Gulag circa 1952
September 18, 2005 | Dork Calling Orson
September 17, 2005 | Timber?
September 16, 2005 | Dealing with Dealers
September 16, 2005 | Jon Looks Hungover (Stubble, Droopy Eyes) but Garfield Guesses Correctly That the Putz Was Out Late Because He Got Lost
September 16, 2005 | “Arbuckle”
September 15, 2005 | “Meow.”
September 15, 2005 | Jaffe, Anthony
September 14, 2005 | Pay the Rent: A Solo Play Exploring Gender Politics
September 14, 2005 | Little Mouse Feet
September 13, 2005 | Cruelty to Animals
September 12, 2005 | Does the Appropriation by Target of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” Disquiet You?
September 12, 2005 | How You Say, “Michel”?
September 12, 2005 | Happy Cat
September 11, 2005 | The Cat Smiles
September 10, 2005 | Cat Nap
September 9, 2005 | Schrödinger’s Call
September 8, 2005 | Doing Our Part
September 8, 2005 | Bet There’s a Half-Eaten Bag Stuffed under the Cat’s Bed
September 7, 2005 | Standing and Delivering
September 4, 2005 | A Pleasing Labor Day to You All
September 3, 2005 | Belabor Day
September 3, 2005 | Transmogrify This
September 1, 2005 | The Unspoken Vasquez: James Cameron’s Aliens, First Folio
September 1, 2005 | Houk, J. M.
August 31, 2005 | More Graydonesque Haha
August 31, 2005 | Editor’s Letter
August 30, 2005 | Amendments to the New Iraqi Constitution
August 29, 2005 | Rottman, Michael
August 29, 2005 | Memo to the Executives
August 29, 2005 | Burch, Ron
August 25, 2005 | Rejected Letters to Penthouse Forum
August 24, 2005 | Disquieting Modern Trends: White-Hot Legal-Eagle Point/Counterpoint Edition
August 24, 2005 | An Animals’ Forum: Was It Right for Researchers to Grow Human Brain Cells in My Head?
August 23, 2005 | Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms: An Occasional Series: Eminem at the Ambient Hotel
August 22, 2005 | The Worst Harvard Alumna
August 22, 2005 | Kepnes, Caroline
August 19, 2005 | Koolbalah
August 19, 2005 | Isenberg, Robert
August 18, 2005 | The Puck Stops Here
August 18, 2005 | Sad Face/Happy Face
August 16, 2005 | A Real Estate Agent’s Tour Of Hannigan’s Cove: Fictional Town For Rent Or Sale To Aspiring Novelists
August 16, 2005 | Gladstone, Wayne
August 15, 2005 | J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
August 15, 2005 | “Mudblood”
August 15, 2005 | Rowling’s Spawn*
August 15, 2005 | The New Harry Potter Book, as Dictated by My Boss, Brian Schmutto
August 15, 2005 | Numerous Events That Should Be Included in the Film Adaptation of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in Order to Widen Its Urban Appeal
August 15, 2005 | Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Meet Prince and the Half-Baked Potter
August 15, 2005 | Harry Potter and the Magic of Puberty
August 15, 2005 | Harry Potter and the Bitch Ex-Wife
August 15, 2005 | Sheivachman, Andrew
August 14, 2005 | Advertise Here
August 11, 2005 | This Isn’t Working
August 10, 2005 | We’ll Be Right Back after a Quick Word from Our Sponsors …
August 5, 2005 | We Should Go Hat-Shopping Together Sometime, Pt. II
August 1, 2005 | Welcome to the Dog Days
July 27, 2005 | Disquieting Modern Trends: Summertime (and the Living Is Uneasy) Edition
July 26, 2005 | Aussie Love
July 25, 2005 | Meet Your Subway Sandwich Artist
July 25, 2005 | “Subway”
July 22, 2005 | A Field Guide to Selected Western Artists
July 22, 2005 | Smith, J. D.
July 20, 2005 | LeBron James, from an Interview in the March 2005 Issue of GQ and the King James Bible
July 19, 2005 | The Adventures of Dr. Squat: “I Am Still the Eggman”
July 18, 2005 | How to Win at Cards
July 18, 2005 | Disquieting Modern Trends: People Ruining America Edition
July 18, 2005 | Muggles, Mudbloods, & Morons
July 18, 2005 | Giles, Gareth
July 16, 2005 | Fahy, Michael
July 15, 2005 | All About Me: 12 Poems
July 14, 2005 | Everlasting Gobstopper
July 14, 2005 | Judy and Jim in Paris
July 14, 2005 | Hot Times, Summer in My Pants
July 13, 2005 | Woody’s Sketches for His Next Four Pictures
July 13, 2005 | “Konisberg”
July 12, 2005 | Will the Real Alvy Singer Please Stand Up (Please Stand Up)?
July 12, 2005 | Overheard in the Brainstorming Meeting for the Sequel to Million Dollar Baby
July 11, 2005 | Having Felled Gore Vidal with a Punch, Only to Hear the Line “Words Fail Norman Mailer, Yet Again,” Mr. Mailer Can Only Come Up with Answers in the Car, on the Way Home
July 11, 2005 | Coppedge, Whit
July 8, 2005 | Signs That Internet Dating Is Not Going Well for You
July 8, 2005 | Stahl, Jon
July 7, 2005 | Interview with an Interview with Ann Coulter
July 7, 2005 | Murray, Ed
July 5, 2005 | Masters of My Domain: My Vices as Characters from “Seinfeld”
July 4, 2005 | Sally Forth
July 4, 2005 | Kurt Cobain’s Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks
July 1, 2005 | “B.L.T.”: A Review
June 30, 2005 | Attn: N.Y.C.-Area Actors
June 30, 2005 | Who Wants to Watch “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”
June 28, 2005 | Ten Tiny Poems
June 28, 2005 | Beatty, Brian
June 27, 2005 | Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project
June 24, 2005 | Key Party, N.Y.C., Circa Always
June 24, 2005 | Burnette, William K.
June 23, 2005 | A Day on the Phone with Mythological Norse Firewarrior, Bringer of Storms
June 23, 2005 | Belz, Aaron
June 22, 2005 | Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms: An Occasional Series: Tom Waits for No Man
June 21, 2005 | Misheard Song Lyrics, Schizophrenic Edition
June 21, 2005 | Connelly, James
June 20, 2005 | The People Recommend
June 18, 2005 | We Keep Yelling “Rooster”
June 17, 2005 | Venice
June 16, 2005 | Yes, I Said Yes
June 16, 2005 | Molly Bloom Takes Manhattan
June 15, 2005 | Last of the Famous International Playboys
June 15, 2005 | Morrissey Addresses the Graduating High-School Class of 2005
June 14, 2005 | Out of the Blue
June 14, 2005 | O’Brien, Christopher
June 13, 2005 | A Princeton Review Correspondent Overhears Some Tense Moments in Town/Gown Relations
June 13, 2005 | Golden, Andrew
June 10, 2005 | Notes to Hoobastank Street-Teamers for Posting CD Reviews on Amazon.com
June 9, 2005 | Grovada + Charlie
June 9, 2005 | United States’ Puppet States and Their Respective Leaders
June 8, 2005 | Dead Ends from Rejected “Choose-Your-Own-Adventure” Books
June 7, 2005 | I Am Tom Cruise, and I Love Women
June 7, 2005 | J.S.F., Loud & Close
June 7, 2005 | Disquieting Modern Trends: The City So Nice We Complain about It Twice Edition
June 3, 2005 | Pussyknickers!
June 3, 2005 | Jonathan Safran Foer’s Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
June 2, 2005 | Extremely Long and Incredibly Bad Writer’s Block
June 2, 2005 | Everything According to Incredible Acquaintances
June 2, 2005 | Correspondence between Jonathan Safran Foer and Nicole Krauss That Explains How They Wrote the Same Book
June 2, 2005 | Intellectual Property
June 1, 2005 | A Scientific Proposal to the Executive Program Directors of the ABC, CBS, FOX, and NBC Networks
June 1, 2005 | Rorem, Matthew
May 31, 2005 | Chuck Palahniuk Mows the Lawn
May 31, 2005 | “Palahniuk”
May 31, 2005 | Kavadlo, Jesse
May 27, 2005 | Diamond Dave’s Sestina
May 27, 2005 | Albert, Jason
May 25, 2005 | I Sound My Chlorophyll Yawp
May 23, 2005 | A Day in My Life as Reviewed by Rolling Stone
May 23, 2005 | “Rolling Stone”
May 23, 2005 | Ankommend!
May 20, 2005 | The Weatherman’s Weekend Forecast
May 18, 2005 | On Dagobah Pond
May 18, 2005 | “Lucasfilm”
May 18, 2005 | Thompson, Brian
May 17, 2005 | Armadillo Pad
May 16, 2005 | He Buried Paul
May 16, 2005 | My Continued Conversation with the Ghost of John Lennon
May 16, 2005 | “Beatlesque”
May 16, 2005 | Mesler, Corey
May 13, 2005 | Notes from Mattel’s “Future of Barbie®” Brainstorming Session
May 13, 2005 | We’ve Already Got a Two-Year Subscription, Thank You
May 11, 2005 | Reasons Why the Female Characters in Certain Male-Written Fiction Are Not Like Actual Women at All
May 11, 2005 | Disquieting Modern Trends: Big Apple Edition
May 10, 2005 | A Salesman Reborn
May 10, 2005 | Schroll, Savannah
May 9, 2005 | Lesser Known Secrets from Secret Antiperspirant & Deodorant …
May 6, 2005 | Regarding My Teenaged Affair with Paula Abdul
May 5, 2005 | Godzilla vs. Godzilla
May 5, 2005 | “Gojira”
May 5, 2005 | ¡Flashback de Mayo!
May 3, 2005 | Press Secretary Scott McClellan Addresses a First-Grade Junior Achievement Class
May 3, 2005 | Peck, Justin
May 2, 2005 | The New York Toast
May 2, 2005 | The New York Post-Times
May 2, 2005 | My Weekend!
May 2, 2005 | Dos de Mayo—Seis de Mayo
April 29, 2005 | As Reviewed by Ben Brantley
April 28, 2005 | Blog Never Written by Mommy Who Had Baby in the Days Before Blogs
April 28, 2005 | Baker, Gail Konop
April 27, 2005 | Dear Abba
April 26, 2005 | Gene S1mm0ns
April 26, 2005 | A.I. Wanna Rock and Roll All Nite
April 26, 2005 | Nester, Daniel
April 25, 2005 | Exceedingly Cagey and Awfully Precocious
April 25, 2005 | GEICOld Party
April 25, 2005 | If the Republicans Were Making GEICO Commercials
April 22, 2005 | Airbag Warnings
April 22, 2005 | Hidden Affikomen
April 22, 2005 | Genusa, Angela
April 20, 2005 | The Night of Standup Comedy I Recently Saw, Reduced to Its Logical Abstractions, as per Freud’s Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious
April 19, 2005 | The Amazing Adventure of Michael Chabon and the Golem
April 18, 2005 | Frequently Asked Questions: The Social Security Debate
April 15, 2005 | I Am a Terrible Person to Cheat on Your Boyfriend With
April 15, 2005 | Borden, Matthew
April 14, 2005 | Excerpts from Dick Cheney’s Duck-Hunting Journal
April 13, 2005 | My Evening With CNN
April 13, 2005 | “This Is Y.P.R.”
April 12, 2005 | Disquieting Modern Trends: William Safire Edition
April 12, 2005 | Reader’s Block
April 11, 2005 | Sam Lipsyte’s Home Land
April 11, 2005 | Home Istan
April 11, 2005 | Alumni Update from the Guy That Sat Behind Me in Homeroom That I Never Talked to and Only Remember Because He Was Really into Candlebox
April 11, 2005 | Smith, Dave
April 11, 2005 | Catamount Encounters: Tips on Avoiding Trouble and Defending Yourself in an Attack
April 10, 2005 | Sam Lipsyte, distinguished alumnus
April 7, 2005 | Prepping for My First Out-of-Body Experience
April 6, 2005 | Raskolnikov Meets Dr. Phil
April 6, 2005 | Warner, James
April 5, 2005 | The Author of the Universe
April 5, 2005 | The Y.P.R. Mass Communiqué
April 5, 2005 | Haas, Jeff
April 4, 2005 | Temping in Vatican City
April 4, 2005 | Disquieting Modern Trends: Cry-in-Your-Beer- for-the-Lost-Promise- of-Your-Youth- or-the-Impending-Irrelevance- of-Your-Dotage Edition
April 2, 2005 | Was the Pope Polish?: John Paul II, 1920-2005
April 1, 2005 | The Humor from China
April 1, 2005 | Yao Wen, Han
March 30, 2005 | My Laundromat picks
March 30, 2005 | Roeder, Jason
March 29, 2005 | The Ant Watcher’s Handbook that Came Free with My Uncle Milton’s Ant Farm, as Reïmagined Using Other Famous Uncles
March 28, 2005 | Kafka + 2
March 25, 2005 | Other Overwrought Acceptance Speeches
March 24, 2005 | Robillard, G. Xavier
March 24, 2005 | Extreme Vacations for Wordsmiths
March 23, 2005 | A Style Guide for Blog Parodists
March 22, 2005 | Memo Regarding the Viability of Superheroes as Future Presidential Candidates
March 22, 2005 | Haddon, Cole
March 21, 2005 | An Internet Humor Writer Comes Clean
March 21, 2005 | Disquieting Modern Trends: “Guaranteed 100% Funnier!” Edition
March 20, 2005 | X-Woman
March 20, 2005 | Dowd, Untouchable Mutant
March 18, 2005 | Ars Short Storica: A Guide for Aspiring Writers of Short Fiction
March 18, 2005 | Fried, Seth
March 17, 2005 | A Day in the Life of The New Yorker’s Fiction Editorial Board, if It Were a Person
March 17, 2005 | “E. Tilly”
March 17, 2005 | Tabby, Binky
March 16, 2005 | Foreword
March 16, 2005 | Oliver, Jeffrey
March 15, 2005 | Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms: An Occasional Series
March 14, 2005 | How to Get a New York City Straphanger to Bankroll Your Alternative Lifestyle
March 14, 2005 | Disquieting Modern Trends: Offspring Edition
March 13, 2005 | Calling All Catamounts
March 13, 2005 | Avenging Angel
March 13, 2005 | E-mail: liberties@nytimes.com
March 11, 2005 | Spelunking with Niles and Deebo
March 11, 2005 | Niles from “Frasier” Takes Acid on an Overnight Spelunking Trip with Deebo from Friday and Reënacts Plato’s The Cave
March 11, 2005 | Champlin, Brian
March 10, 2005 | Arrrrrtwork
March 10, 2005 | Alas, Poor Jeeves
March 10, 2005 | Hamlet by P. G. Wodehouse
March 10, 2005 | Andrei Codrescu, exquisite corpse
March 10, 2005 | Weinman, Jaime J.
March 9, 2005 | Transmogrified Papa
March 9, 2005 | Hills Like Stuffed Tigers: Calvin Discovers Hemingway
March 9, 2005 | “Watterson”
March 9, 2005 | Bradbury-Carlin, Russell
March 7, 2005 | Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink!
March 7, 2005 | Disquieting Modern Trends: iPod Edition
March 7, 2005 | Malcolm Gladwell, quick thinker
March 7, 2005 | Trapped in Malcolm Gladwell’s Hair
March 7, 2005 | Two Real Case Studies in Snap Judgment Involving My Parents
March 7, 2005 | Blink …
March 7, 2005 | A Brief, Reasoned Argument to Counteract the Two-Second Judgment You’ve Made to Buy Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink: the Power of Thinking without Thinking
March 7, 2005 | The Way We Live Now
March 7, 2005 | Y.P.R. 3.1
March 7, 2005 | Kennedy, Gideon C.
March 7, 2005 | Tolley, John
February 25, 2005 | Masterson, Timber
February 25, 2005 | One-Sentence Stories
February 24, 2005 | I Play a Jaw-Harp
February 24, 2005 | Verratti, Thom
February 24, 2005 | Double Wink
February 24, 2005 | Get Yr Blink On.
February 24, 2005 | When Yakov Smirnoff Was King
February 23, 2005 | Sasha Frere-Jones, music critic
February 23, 2005 | Brushes with Llamas
February 22, 2005 | The Tragedy of Two Bills
February 22, 2005 | Liu, Calvin
February 22, 2005 | R.I.P., H.S.T.
February 22, 2005 | “Fear and Logo”
February 21, 2005 | Disquieting Modern Trends Return: Hollywood Edition
February 19, 2005 | Help
February 19, 2005 | Staff
February 18, 2005 | What It’s Like to Have Sex with Me
February 18, 2005 | Rapid Eye Movements
February 18, 2005 | Granger, Chris
February 17, 2005 | Y.P.R. 3.0
February 17, 2005 | Brought to You by PepsiCo
February 17, 2005 | David Foster Wallace, TV Guide Synopsist
February 17, 2005 | Wayne, Teddy
February 15, 2005 | This Is the Week That Is
February 15, 2005 | Music for the Masses
February 11, 2005 | Dear Wikipedia
February 9, 2005 | How to Write a Book
January 25, 2005 | Huh?
January 15, 2005 | From Nairobi with Love
January 5, 2005 | It’s Shauna, but Most Guys Call Me Shawna.
January 1, 2005 | MMIV Wrap-Up
December 24, 2004 | Christmastime Is Here
December 24, 2004 | A Holiday Update from the Kinsleys
December 24, 2004 | Season’s Greetings
December 24, 2004 | The Stanton Family Christmas Newsletter
December 24, 2004 | The Annual Holiday Newsletter from the Guy Who Does the Voiceover for NBC Primetime TV Previews
December 24, 2004 | Loomis, Stephen
December 24, 2004 | Flynn, Julianne
December 24, 2004 | Shipley, Jonathan
December 23, 2004 | Letter from the White House to Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum
December 15, 2004 | Nylon Curtains
December 15, 2004 | Selected Tips from Emily Post’s Etiquette for Ukrainian Dinner Parties
December 8, 2004 | Letter of Rejection to Dr. Phil
December 8, 2004 | Ng, David
December 7, 2004 | Freeze! This Is a Bust!
December 7, 2004 | Advice from Topeka
December 6, 2004 | “American Pie”—A Fresh Slice
December 3, 2004 | What Truffaut Taught Me
December 3, 2004 | Sallini-Genovese, J.
December 1, 2004 | Blurbs from My Conservative Colleagues for the Back of My New Conservative Book
December 1, 2004 | The 2005 Associated Press Stylebook Supplement for the Liberal Media
December 1, 2004 | Falafel!
December 1, 2004 | An Excerpt from Bill O’Reilly’s Upcoming Book, How to Have Hot Sex Using a Falafel: For Kids
December 1, 2004 | A Fairly Balanced Look at Rightwing Propaganda
December 1, 2004 | Satann Coulter
December 1, 2004 | Demonic Bias: A Review of Ann Coulter’s How to Talk to a Liberal (if You Must): the World According to Ann Coulter
December 1, 2004 | Stepping into a Slim Jim
December 1, 2004 | The Enemy Within
December 1, 2004 | Savage, Randy “Macho Man”*
December 1, 2004 | LiCata, Vince
December 1, 2004 | At the Cover Shoot for The O’Reilly Factor for Kids
December 1, 2004 | Ann Coulter Consults Her Mentor
December 1, 2004 | The O’Reilly Factor for Kids: Chapter 4, “Toys”
November 30, 2004 | Morons
November 30, 2004 | Five Disquieting Modern Trends
November 29, 2004 | Wurn, Diana
November 29, 2004 | “Dear John” Letter from Oprah’s Dog
November 24, 2004 | All That Was Left of My Novel after the Fire
November 23, 2004 | Response to E-Mail from a Princess
November 22, 2004 | Memo to Outgoing Cabinet Members
November 22, 2004 | Stern, Jonathan
November 18, 2004 | New York Stories
November 16, 2004 | What You Can Do with This Story
November 16, 2004 | Kasperek, Rita
November 15, 2004 | Stein, Leigh
November 15, 2004 | How to Get a Boyfriend, as Explained to Me by My 11-Year-Old Sister
November 12, 2004 | Yo, Muthafuckers
November 12, 2004 | Excerpt from Tuesdays with Yasser by Mitch Al-Bomb Hawari
November 11, 2004 | The Speechwriter
November 11, 2004 | Caselle, Tania
November 9, 2004 | Use Your Illustration
November 9, 2004 | The Norman Rockwell–Axl Rose Correspondence
November 8, 2004 | Excerpts from Restroom Confidential: Adventures in the Lavatory Underbelly
November 5, 2004 | al Rojo, del Azul
November 5, 2004 | Thank-You Notes to America
November 4, 2004 | Victory Speech by the Leader of the Moderate, Pro-Choice, Anti-War, Environmentalist Undecided Voters of Cuyahoga County, Ohio, for Bush
November 3, 2004 | Suggested Reading for Psychopaths
November 3, 2004 | Perhaps There Is Life on This Planet
November 2, 2004 | Y.PRediction for Election Day
November 2, 2004 | Why Dogs Don’t Conduct Polls
November 1, 2004 | The Rolling Stone Interview with George W. Bush, Part I, by Kurt Loder
November 1, 2004 | The Family Matters
November 1, 2004 | Excerpt from The Family Matters: The Real Story of the Winslow Dynasty
November 1, 2004 | Kitty Kelley’s The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty
November 1, 2004 | The Adams Family: My Ill Fated Attempt at Writing a Tell-All Biography about the Adams Dynasty without Doing Any Actual Research
November 1, 2004 | Kelley Putty!™ Fun for the Whole Family!
November 1, 2004 | Truth Is Beauty
October 28, 2004 | Geometry
October 28, 2004 | Bittner, Russell
October 26, 2004 | Ten Things You Used to Be Able to Get Away With in Grade School but You Probably Can’t Get Away With at Work
October 26, 2004 | Kinsella, Kevin
October 25, 2004 | The Wrong Man’s Burden
October 24, 2004 | I Named the Dog “Indiana”
October 21, 2004 | Memo to Human Resources
October 20, 2004 | Your Future in the Stars: Introducing the Department of Homeland Astrology
October 19, 2004 | 12 Easy Steps to a Better You
October 19, 2004 | Carey, Ian
October 18, 2004 | Osmond, Chris
October 18, 2004 | Things You Can Accomplish before Conan Takes Over “The Tonight Show” in 2009
October 18, 2004 | Layman & Osmond
October 13, 2004 | Blurbs
October 7, 2004 | Closing Statements from the Castaways’ Presidential Debate
October 6, 2004 | At Last, Respect: Rodney Dangerfield, 1921-2004
October 6, 2004 | Self-Portrait (Left Ear)
October 6, 2004 | The Recently Recovered Love Letters of Vincent van Gogh
October 4, 2004 | My Predictions for Major League Baseball’s Post Season
October 1, 2004 | Mootpoint
October 1, 2004 | Reviews for Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint that I Started to Write before Realizing I Was Thinking of Something Else
October 1, 2004 | Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam Synopsize Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint
October 1, 2004 | Checkmate
October 1, 2004 | Checkmate, Checkpoint!
October 1, 2004 | How to Conduct a Sincere Discussion Group on Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint with a Disruptive Norwegian Forest Cat on the Premises
October 1, 2004 | Gina Gershon and the Persian Subway Plot, or, There Are No Wheat Thins in Tehran
October 1, 2004 | If Checkpoint Were Based on Conversations I’ve Had with My Grandparents
October 1, 2004 | Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint
October 1, 2004 | Some Failed Parodies of Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint
September 30, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Martina Hingis!
September 29, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Jill Whelan!
September 29, 2004 | UPN or Made Up?
September 28, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Jeffrey Jones!
September 28, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Hilary Duff!
September 28, 2004 | Andrew Vachss, creative factory
September 28, 2004 | Ned Vizzini, chill squipster
September 28, 2004 | J. T. LeRoy, young Turk
September 27, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Avril Lavigne!
September 27, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Wilford Brimley!
September 27, 2004 | Cheese Nos. 1 — 7
September 27, 2004 | Why Cheese?
September 27, 2004 | Allston’s Favorite Drunk
September 27, 2004 | Maurer, Daniel
September 27, 2004 | Dispatches from the V.I.P. Lounge
September 26, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Bryan Ferry!
September 23, 2004 | Who’s Your Momma?
September 20, 2004 | A Wee Bit Sticky
September 16, 2004 | What’s Goin’ Down in the Boogie
September 14, 2004 | Conversations with My Mother Which Suggest She May Secretly Be a Primatologist
September 13, 2004 | Hal Sparks, funny person
September 13, 2004 | Patton Oswalt, funny person
September 13, 2004 | Todd Barry, funny person
September 13, 2004 | Marx and Engles to Spite
September 13, 2004 | Marc Maron, funny person
September 13, 2004 | Kim Needs to Talk
September 10, 2004 | The Scrolling Book Club
September 9, 2004 | Three Quick Ones
September 8, 2004 | How to Make the Most of This Desert Island Experience
September 7, 2004 | I Was a Virgin Sex Doll
September 7, 2004 | Zeidler, Kevin
September 3, 2004 | Zello, Dolly!, or, Three Big Boobs
September 2, 2004 | Deleted Lines from Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Speech at the Republican National Convention
September 1, 2004 | My Keynote Address for Tonight’s Family Dinner
September 1, 2004 | Layman, Will
August 31, 2004 | The As-Yet-Unaired Third ‘Swift Boat Veterans for Truth’ Advertisement
August 30, 2004 | Y.P.R.’s R.N.C. in N.Y.C. 2004
August 30, 2004 | How to Protest the Republican National Convention without Giving Up Your Last Weekend at Your Friend’s Timeshare on Fire Island
August 30, 2004 | Antoniadis, Tony
August 26, 2004 | From “The Amazing E-mail Letters of Dr. Maria Marinario and Dr. Humphrey Ichovitzsky”
August 26, 2004 | Novack, Carol
August 25, 2004 | William Shakespeare, da Bard
August 23, 2004 | “I Fucked Choire”
August 23, 2004 | Lord of the Blogs
August 23, 2004 | Choire Sicha Is Not Who You Think He Is
August 23, 2004 | The Choire Sicha Roast
August 23, 2004 | A Very Short Roast
August 23, 2004 | Krucoff, Andrew
August 23, 2004 | Choire Sicha, Literary Critic
August 23, 2004 | My Site Meter’s Best Friend
August 23, 2004 | Sack, Brian
August 23, 2004 | Coen, Jessica
August 23, 2004 | Zulkey, Claire
August 23, 2004 | Garnett, Joy
August 23, 2004 | This Is Art
August 23, 2004 | Choire Destroyed My Art Career
August 20, 2004 | David Rees, clip-artist
August 20, 2004 | Abu Ghraib
August 20, 2004 | Danny Gregory, watercolor journalist
August 19, 2004 | Canis latrans
August 19, 2004 | Stephen Elliott, lover of the electoral process
August 19, 2004 | Andrew Sean Greer, planetary pathfinder
August 19, 2004 | Dan Kennedy, small-talking memoirist
August 18, 2004 | Three Short Stories
August 18, 2004 | Comstock, Emily
August 17, 2004 | Interview with the World’s Oldest Man: Ezekiel Houghton, Age 137
August 16, 2004 | Exclusive Gear for Faraway Republicans Visiting Our Liberal Blue City
August 13, 2004 | Jonathan Ames, randy writer
August 13, 2004 | Neal Pollack, supercharged satirist
August 13, 2004 | Tom Perrotta, novelist
August 12, 2004 | Blood Drive
August 12, 2004 | Cassidy, Oliver
August 11, 2004 | Belated Apologies to Girls I Have Known
August 11, 2004 | Graham, Brian
August 10, 2004 | The Tonight Symposium
August 9, 2004 | What Would Sammy Do?
August 8, 2004 | Also Available at Any New England Truck-Stop Diner
August 5, 2004 | Tetherball with Grandma
August 4, 2004 | Non-Chip-Related Letters I’ve Written to Chip Companies
August 3, 2004 | Dear Heinz Ketchup, Pt. II
August 2, 2004 | My Muse Talks Back
August 2, 2004 | Atkinson, Thea
July 30, 2004 | Random Thoughts while Watching the “I Love the…” Series on VH1
July 30, 2004 | I ♥ the 80s!
July 30, 2004 | Reagan Administration, The
July 29, 2004 | I Hate “I Love the 90s”
July 29, 2004 | Dear VH1
July 29, 2004 | I Love … Pt. IV
July 28, 2004 | Jake Loves the Eighties
July 28, 2004 | A Short Conversation with Hal Sparks about His “I Love the 80s” Appearances as We Wait for Our Drinks at a Los Angeles Starbucks
July 28, 2004 | I Love … Pt. III
July 28, 2004 | Bunsen
July 27, 2004 | VH1’s “I Love Christopher Monks’s Labor Day Weekend 1986”
July 27, 2004 | The Gradual Decline of the “I Love the … ” Sidebars
July 27, 2004 | I Love … Part II
July 26, 2004 | If “I Love the 80s” Were Strictly about My Life
July 26, 2004 | I Love You, “I Love the 90s,” but I’m Not in Love with You
July 26, 2004 | I ♥ “I Love the [X]0s”
July 25, 2004 | I Love “I Love the 70s,” “I Love the 80s,” “I Love the 90s,” and “I Love the 80s Strikes Back”
July 25, 2004 | “Video Kills the Radio Star”
July 23, 2004 | Hawaii Diarii: Kauai
July 22, 2004 | My Anti-Depressant Diary
July 21, 2004 | Suzanne Yeagley, McSweeney’s
July 21, 2004 | Eyes on Arbuckle
July 20, 2004 | Next Time on “The Surreal Life” …
July 20, 2004 | Will Respond for Food
July 19, 2004 | The Supine Feline
July 18, 2004 | Daniel Robert Epstein, Suicide Girls
July 16, 2004 | Still
July 15, 2004 | A Message from Franklin Nchita Ogbuewu, Nigeria’s Minister of Tourism
July 15, 2004 | My C-Span Diary: Thursday, July 15, 2004
July 15, 2004 | That Cat Demo, Pt. III
July 14, 2004 | The Shard Phenomenon and Its Potential Application as a Come-On
July 14, 2004 | Enquire Within
July 14, 2004 | Assignation at the Tot Lot
July 14, 2004 | Van Doren, Heather
July 14, 2004 | The Coveted 18-to-34-Yr-Old Feline Demographic, Pt. II
July 13, 2004 | The Coveted 18-to-34-Yr-Old Feline Demographic
July 12, 2004 | Al-Jazeera Coverage of Ozzfest 2004
July 12, 2004 | We Should Go Hat-Shopping Together Sometime
July 12, 2004 | Cat and Dog Watch TV
July 9, 2004 | Legends of My Fictional Baseball League
July 8, 2004 | The Old Lady Screamed
July 8, 2004 | Young, L. Lynn
July 7, 2004 | A Public Apology from The New York Post
July 7, 2004 | “Post This!”
July 6, 2004 | Kotzin, Miriam N.
July 6, 2004 | Freudian Slip
July 2, 2004 | Pee/Bee
July 2, 2004 | Morgan, Gene
July 1, 2004 | Reasons Why a Bridge over Troubled Water Would Not Necessarily Ease My Mind
July 1, 2004 | Martin, Jeremy
June 30, 2004 | Dear Sam Raimi
June 29, 2004 | Why I’ll Never Be Granted a Home Equity Loan
June 25, 2004 | Oh, What a Fortnight!
June 21, 2004 | Celebrate Just One Day out of Life! You’re Invited to Rocco Schlomo’s Bar Mitzvah
June 19, 2004 | Polish Facts
June 18, 2004 | ?
June 15, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Neil Patrick Harris!
June 14, 2004 | Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen in: “Mary-Kate & Ashley Turn 18!”
June 14, 2004 | The Pied Piper of Harvard Ave.
June 14, 2004 | Seen and Heard in Boston …
June 11, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Joe Montana!
June 10, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Gina Gershon!
June 10, 2004 | Nappy Days
June 10, 2004 | Finbow, Steve
June 9, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Dick Vitale!
June 9, 2004 | David Foster Wallace and Gromit
June 9, 2004 | Ward, Michael
June 8, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Nancy Sinatra!
June 8, 2004 | A Modern Short Story
June 8, 2004 | Himmer, Steve
June 7, 2004 | Lyrics to “Boléro”
June 4, 2004 | The Pope and the Lawyer: What Befell Them upon Entering Heaven
June 3, 2004 | Reference Letter to the Board of Directors
June 2, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Marquis de Sade!
June 2, 2004 | Highlights from the Recent Network Upfront Hoopla
June 1, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Heidi Klum!
June 1, 2004 | Dear Sandra Bernhard
June 1, 2004 | Willems, Brian
May 31, 2004 | Something Nice for Memorial Day, sans Cheap Laughs
May 28, 2004 | James Lipton (Almost), “Inside the Actors’ Studio”
May 27, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Adam Carolla!
May 27, 2004 | Robert Birnbaum, Identity Theory
May 26, 2004 | Andrew Krucoff, Gothamist
May 25, 2004 | A. J. Daulerio, The Black Table
May 24, 2004 | Claire Zulkey, Zulkey.com
May 21, 2004 | ‘My Poem’ by Karl Malone
May 20, 2004 | Tolstoy, Leo
May 19, 2004 | Requiem for the Gay Divorcé: Tony Randall, 1920-2004
May 18, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Tina Fey!
May 18, 2004 | Dear Game Show Network
May 18, 2004 | Similes
May 17, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Bob Saget!
May 17, 2004 | My Date with Harold Bloom
May 14, 2004 | Superman Ain’t Shit
May 13, 2004 | 1220 AM WLIT: All Lit All the Time
May 12, 2004 | Davis, Dan
May 12, 2004 | Bush Mountain
May 11, 2004 | Spatial Relationships
May 10, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Pat Summerall!
May 10, 2004 | Ausherman, Stephen
May 10, 2004 | The Ausherman Stories
May 5, 2004 | The Rubaiyat of Felix Dennis: Awful Poetry by the Maxim Publisher
April 28, 2004 | How I Got Kicked Off the Basketball Team
April 27, 2004 | Friday Morning Lament
April 27, 2004 | Short Introduction I Have Planned for When I Get to Break Ground on the New Wing on the Children’ Hospital in My Town
April 26, 2004 | Happy Birthday, I. M. Pei!
April 26, 2004 | Eat, Shoot, & Leave This!: Dear Lynne Truss
April 23, 2004 | Happy Birthday, William Shakespeare!
April 23, 2004 | Dear Penthouse Forum
April 22, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Charlotte Rae!
April 22, 2004 | I Do Something Terrible, Liz Removes Her Underwear, & You Start Talking Dirty
April 22, 2004 | Speed Reader
April 22, 2004 | Garcia, Nicanor
April 21, 2004 | Dave Chappelle: The Grand Impostor
April 21, 2004 | Some Things Remain Impossible, Despite the Heart’s Will
April 20, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Carmen Electra!
April 20, 2004 | Excerpts from the Hipster Law Treatise
April 20, 2004 | Weathersfield
April 19, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Suge Knight!
April 19, 2004 | Liner Notes for The Best of Trevor Seigler: Covers
April 16, 2004 | Pimpin’ Like a Pirate
April 16, 2004 | Edible Television
April 15, 2004 | New Releases This Week
April 15, 2004 | Great Moments in Pantyhose Jurisprudence
April 15, 2004 | Most Logical Answer Yet
April 14, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Pete Rose!
April 14, 2004 | My Zombie Movie
April 14, 2004 | Truce with Hip-Hop
April 14, 2004 | Some Things You Ought to Have Mentioned before You Brought Me, Your Irish-Catholic Boyfriend, to Meet Your Parents at My First Seder Ever with Your Orthodox Family
April 14, 2004 | Shepherd S. E.
April 13, 2004 | Who Has the Bigger : Democratic Nominee John Kerry or President George W. Bush?
April 13, 2004 | Koch, Julie
April 2, 2004 | Time Is on My Side; No, It’s on My Side
April 2, 2004 | Baird, Alan C.
March 31, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Gabe Kaplan!
March 31, 2004 | Some Good Possible Names for an Emo Band, Inspired by the 1986 Motion Picture Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
March 30, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Ian Ziering!
March 30, 2004 | Things My Nana Levenstein Taught Me about Love
March 30, 2004 | Attenberg, Jami
March 29, 2004 | Leitch, Will
March 29, 2004 | If I Had a Million Dolalrs
March 26, 2004 | Fact-Checking The Village Voice
March 25, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Sarah Jessica Parker!
March 25, 2004 | Believe It or Not, He’s Really an Attorney
March 24, 2004 | Imitations of Anonymity (2nd Item)
March 23, 2004 | Courtney Love Has Come Undone
March 22, 2004 | Slippery Pete’s Port o’ Call
March 19, 2004 | Teenage Jesus
March 19, 2004 | Dear Nesquik
March 18, 2004 | La Caída Pequeña, La Elevación Grande
March 17, 2004 | St. Pat’s Facts
March 16, 2004 | The Passion of the Führer
March 15, 2004 | Sem Ordnilap Ytir Belec: Celebrity Palindromes
March 12, 2004 | J.F.K. & J.F.K.
March 12, 2004 | Tobey, Matthew
March 11, 2004 | Curriculum Fraudium
March 11, 2004 | Lesser, Frank
March 10, 2004 | Acceptance Speech
March 10, 2004 | Ewing, Michael J.
March 9, 2004 | Scenes from “C.S.I.: Podunk”
March 9, 2004 | Cox, Daniel Byard
March 8, 2004 | An Excerpt from This Month’s Journal of the History of Intellectual Culture: “Shoe Shopping: An Interdisciplinary Case Study of the Effects of Political Discourse on the Marketplace for Shoes”
March 8, 2004 | Silverman, Peter B.
March 5, 2004 | The Rules
March 5, 2004 | Koromilas, Kathryn
March 4, 2004 | Theys, Lydia Fazio
March 4, 2004 | Some Replies to “Where’d Ya Get That Shiner?”
March 4, 2004 | The Magician’s Assistant
March 3, 2004 | Family Film Guide
March 3, 2004 | Wexler, Jay
March 2, 2004 | My Yard
March 2, 2004 | Fowler, Michael
March 1, 2004 | The Passion of the Christ: Official Merchandising HQ
March 1, 2004 | Dear Outback Steakhouse
March 1, 2004 | The Y.P.OscaRs
February 29, 2004 | Good Writing
February 29, 2004 | I ♥ Scrushy
February 29, 2004 | Capricorn Rising
February 29, 2004 | Writing Goodly
February 29, 2004 | Vonnegut, Kurt Jr.*
February 29, 2004 | Salinger, J. D. *
February 28, 2004 | Coverage from a Hollywood Reader
February 27, 2004 | Some Sequels to Famous Books Written by the Original Authors’ Offspring
February 25, 2004 | Poetic License
February 24, 2004 | How to Write Gouda
February 24, 2004 | Robbins, Tom*
February 24, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Abe Vigoda!
February 23, 2004 | Why I’ll Never Be Published in The New Yorker
February 20, 2004 | K.B.N. on Engagement Rings
February 20, 2004 | Moby-Dick: The Whale’s Story
February 20, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Charles Barkley!
February 19, 2004 | K.B.N. on Bridesmaids
February 19, 2004 | Writing Well
February 19, 2004 | Newman, Karen
February 19, 2004 | Mailer, Norman*
February 18, 2004 | Pitching to Cousin Graydon
February 18, 2004 | Carter, K. Robinson
February 17, 2004 | ‘Snotwatch’ by Heidi J.
February 17, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Paris Hilton!
February 16, 2004 | More Valentine Affairs of the Famous, as Revealed by Their Love Sonnets
February 13, 2004 | Are You Lonesome Tonight?
February 13, 2004 | “My Bloody Valentine”
February 13, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Peter Gabriel!
February 13, 2004 | Bosch, Kim
February 12, 2004 | Dear Food Network
February 12, 2004 | Valentine Affairs of the Famous, as Revealed by Their Love Sonnets
February 12, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Judy Blume!
February 12, 2004 | Motisher, George
February 11, 2004 | Concerning My Recent Submission
February 11, 2004 | Janzen, J. Daniel
February 10, 2004 | Poetry in Pastrami: The Carnegie Deli Goes Lit
February 10, 2004 | Happy Birthday, George Stephanopoulos!
February 9, 2004 | Writing Good
February 9, 2004 | Happy Birthday, J. M. Coetzee & JM J. Bullock!
February 9, 2004 | Irving, John*
February 6, 2004 | ‘And Another Thing about Bush 43’ by Maureen Dowd
February 6, 2004 | Stingley, Mick
February 5, 2004 | Sexyin’ Up the Classics
February 5, 2004 | Barnosky, Jeff
February 4, 2004 | An Assortment of Love Poems Written with the Assistance of a Pamphlet Entitled “How 2 Write Love Poems That Don’t Suck” Distributed by Delias.com, a Clothing Company That Caters to Pre-Teen Girls
February 4, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Alice Cooper!
February 4, 2004 | Pastorek, Whitney
February 3, 2004 | Yeah, Right—“Wardrobe Failure.” I’m Sure.
February 3, 2004 | Letter to Failure
February 3, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Tallulah Willis!
February 3, 2004 | Routh, Phillip
February 2, 2004 | Nick v. The Donald
February 2, 2004 | The New New York Times Book Review: This Isn’t Your Father’s New York Times Book Review!
February 2, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Christie Brinkley
February 2, 2004 | The Land of the Ice and Snow
February 2, 2004 | Fairlee
February 1, 2004 | Writers-on-Writing Month
February 1, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Big Boi
January 31, 2004 | Let’s Go Hoboken!
January 30, 2004 | An Excerpt from Flu Shot Review Quarterly’s Winter 2004 Issue
January 30, 2004 | Mr. Wolinetz Goes to Houston: Geoff’s Wacky Super Bowl XXXVIII Adventure
January 30, 2004 | Armstrong, Jon
January 29, 2004 | How to Wear Battle Dress
January 29, 2004 | Happy Birthdays, Oprah & Tom Selleck!
January 29, 2004 | Fradera, Alex
January 28, 2004 | The DeVito Code
January 28, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Elijah Wood!
January 27, 2004 | Lembrey, Victor
January 27, 2004 | The Human Campaign
January 26, 2004 | How I Quit Smoking
January 26, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Paul Newman!
January 26, 2004 | Chambers, Cheryl
January 23, 2004 | I Love Scrushy
January 22, 2004 | Dear Regal Cinemas
January 22, 2004 | Recently Returned Letters to Santa
January 22, 2004 | Hughes, Brian
January 22, 2004 | Pop Quiz & Why You Should Be Friends with Me
January 21, 2004 | This Is the Ultimate Y.P.R.*
January 21, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Plácido Domingo!
January 20, 2004 | Gimme a Half-Caff Soy Triple Latté (No Foam) and the Unagi/Torigai Special: In Defense of the Green Mountain State
January 16, 2004 | The Metamorphosis
January 16, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Kate Moss!
January 16, 2004 | Seigler, Trevor
January 15, 2004 | Stunk ’n’ White: New ’n’ Improved!!!
January 15, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Mario Van Peebles!
January 15, 2004 | It’s an Honor Just to Be Read
January 14, 2004 | We’re Working on It
January 14, 2004 | whatfore (dot org)
January 13, 2004 | Postcards from My Bed
January 13, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Orlando Bloom!
January 13, 2004 | Proctor, Dennis
January 12, 2004 | Girl with Pearl Drops Toothpaste
January 12, 2004 | Grayson, Richard
January 12, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Melanie Chisholm!
January 9, 2004 | Tighter Abs in Six Weeks
January 9, 2004 | Meister, Ellen
January 8, 2004 | Who’s the Pop Diva Queen Now, Bitch?
January 8, 2004 | Aguilera, Christina*
January 8, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Wolfgang Puck!
January 8, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Stephen Hawking!
January 7, 2004 | The Ten Most World-Famous Belgians in the World
January 7, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Erin Gray!
January 7, 2004 | O cuinn, kevin
January 7, 2004 | Re: Spicy Latinas Want to Taste Your Big Burrito
January 6, 2004 | Our Disastrous Brunch
January 6, 2004 | Happy Birthday, E. L. Doctorow!
January 6, 2004 | Things I Say to Various Loved Ones, Coworkers, and Strangers When My Aunt Flo Visits
January 5, 2004 | Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy SquarePants
January 5, 2004 | Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy SquarePants
January 5, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Umberto Eco!
January 5, 2004 | Richards, Jeremy
January 4, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Michael Stipe!
January 3, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Mel Gibson!
January 2, 2004 | Happy Birthday, Cuba Gooding Jr.!
January 1, 2004 | Happy Birthday, J. D. Salinger!
December 25, 2003 | MMIII: The Whole Kit & Caboodle
December 25, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Jesus Christ!
December 22, 2003 | Tidings of Joy
December 21, 2003 | Yum, pt. II
December 21, 2003 | Pollack, Neal
December 21, 2003 | The Roastee Responds
December 19, 2003 | Never Mind the One-Liners
December 19, 2003 | Youngman, Henny*
December 18, 2003 | Stats for the Neal Pollack
December 18, 2003 | DiGerolamo, Tony
December 17, 2003 | Happy Birthdays, William Safire, Giovanni Ribisi, Peter Farrelly, Bill Pullman, Milla Jovovich, & Bob Guccione!
December 17, 2003 | Mr. & Mrs. Pollack
December 17, 2003 | Dear Neal Pollack
December 16, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Liv Ullmann!
December 16, 2003 | A Note from Ann Coulter Left On Neal Pollack’s Pillow
December 15, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Don Johnson!
December 15, 2003 | Neal Pollack: The Most Important Artist of Our Time
December 15, 2003 | The Neal Pollack Roast
December 12, 2003 | A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
December 11, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Rider Strong!
December 11, 2003 | The Other 45* Ways to Leave Your Lover
December 11, 2003 | Simon, Paul*
December 10, 2003 | No. 9 Dream
December 9, 2003 | 13 Things You Can Do with That
December 8, 2003 | A Rant on the Blizzard
December 8, 2003 | Miller, Dennis*
December 5, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Doctor Dre!
December 5, 2003 | Urban Dance
December 5, 2003 | Sexton, Kay
December 4, 2003 | “Social Studies,” if You Know What I Mean
December 2, 2003 | The Catcher in the Rye: The Unauthorized German Translation
December 1, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Woody Allen!
December 1, 2003 | McNeil, Christian
December 1, 2003 | The Songwriter
November 25, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Christina Applegate!
November 24, 2003 | Bell, Martin
November 24, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Ted Bundy & Charles Starkweather!
November 24, 2003 | First and Last Paragraphs of a College-Admissions Essay that Didn’t Get My Niece into Dartmouth Like She Wanted
November 21, 2003 | Man-on-the-Street Interviews
November 20, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Bo Derek!
November 20, 2003 | The Great Gob in the Sky
November 19, 2003 | Commands My Dog Hasn’t Yet Learned
November 19, 2003 | Are We Having the Same Conversation?
November 19, 2003 | Shearn, Amy
November 18, 2003 | Daddy Left Me Alone with God
November 18, 2003 | Swanton
November 18, 2003 | Slick, Robin
November 17, 2003 | A Plea to the People of Northern Vermont
November 15, 2003 | Yes, or Psoriasis
November 14, 2003 | Lemmings
November 13, 2003 | The Paris Film: Director’s Commentary
November 13, 2003 | Salomon, Rick*
November 12, 2003 | When You Said, “Insensitive Prick,” Were You Talking to Me?
November 12, 2003 | Happy Birthday, David Schwimmer!
November 11, 2003 | What I Hope to Find in Hell
November 11, 2003 | You Call That Celebrity Prostitution?
November 11, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Demi Moore!
November 10, 2003 | Why I’ll Never Be Admitted to the New York State Bar Association
November 7, 2003 | Why Won’t Anybody Touch Me in My Special Place?
November 7, 2003 | Requiem for “Snark”
November 6, 2003 | Wonka’ed
November 6, 2003 | “Wonka”
November 6, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Sally Field!
November 5, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Art Garfunkel!
November 5, 2003 | Helmets with Horns Are the Best Kind of Helmet
November 4, 2003 | I Was a Teenage Snarkist
October 31, 2003 | Gotham: Four Very Short, Spooky Plays about Monsters at Large in the City
October 31, 2003 | Hallmark Holiday
October 31, 2003 | It’s the Great Pumpkin-Patch Farmer, Charlie Brown!
October 31, 2003 | What Are We Giving Trick-or-Treaters at Our Doorstep?
October 31, 2003 | A Trick-or-Treat Guide to the Houses on My Block
October 31, 2003 | The Bone-Chilling, Spine-Tingling, Hair-Raising, Bloodcurdling Hallowe’en House of Horror
October 31, 2003 | A Hallowe’en Message from Dr. Demento
October 31, 2003 | Monks, Christopher
October 31, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Vanilla Ice!
October 30, 2003 | Elizabeth Smart: The Christopher Monks Interview
October 30, 2003 | Lessons Learned from HBO
October 30, 2003 | If We Were Marvel Comics, She’d Win a No-Prize
October 29, 2003 | What I Hope to Find in Heaven
October 29, 2003 | Cliffster Notes
October 29, 2003 | Kelley, Heather
October 28, 2003 | Shelley Jackson’s Skin Project
October 28, 2003 | The Skin Project
October 28, 2003 | The Skin Project
October 28, 2003 | Gin Rummy
October 28, 2003 | Cautionary Tales for Teens
October 28, 2003 | Coulbourn, Tom
October 28, 2003 | Amey, Jennifer
October 28, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Joaquin Pheonix!
October 27, 2003 | Thank You for Being So Understanding about That Partial Prefrontal Lobotomy
October 27, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Roberto Benigni!
October 27, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Roberto Benigni!
October 26, 2003 | For the Record, That’s Not Why We’re Pissed at Ourselves
October 26, 2003 | Happy Birthday, India.Arie!
October 25, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Bobby Knight!
October 24, 2003 | Winnie-the-Pooh and the Thug Life
October 24, 2003 | Happy Birthday, F. Murray Abraham!
October 23, 2003 | Poker
October 22, 2003 | Evolution
October 21, 2003 | Bowling
October 20, 2003 | “Page Six” of Artforum
October 20, 2003 | Krimstein, Ken
October 20, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Jerry Orbach!
October 16, 2003 | Pot Roast Is for Lovers
October 16, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Angela Lansbury!
October 15, 2003 | Kill Bill, Vol. II: Please Watch It
October 15, 2003 | Tarantino, Quentin*
October 15, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Penny Marshall!
October 14, 2003 | Woodstock
October 14, 2003 | Upcoming Titles from Y.P.R. Books: Erotica
October 14, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Sir Roger Moore!
October 13, 2003 | A Slice of Heaven
October 10, 2003 | Terms of Endearment
October 9, 2003 | Admissions Essays of Harvard Applicants Wholly Unqualified to Attend
October 8, 2003 | VH1 Acquires Michael Ian Black
October 8, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Sigourney Weaver!
October 7, 2003 | Omit Needless Words
October 7, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Yo-Yo Ma!
October 6, 2003 | Random Selections from the ‘H’ Volume of the Encyclopedia
October 6, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Seann William Scott!
October 5, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Alicia Silverstone!
October 5, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Kate Winslet!
October 5, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Václav Havel!
October 4, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Rachael Leigh Cook!
October 4, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Charlton Heston!
October 3, 2003 | What’s on the News Tonight?
October 3, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Chubby Checker!
October 2, 2003 | My Sitcom Pitch to a Guy in the Elevator Who I’m Pretty Sure Was NBC President Jeff Zucker, Despite His Insistence to the Contrary
October 1, 2003 | Reviews by a Stupid, Bitter Asshole Who Just Got Fired and Hit the Bottle, Thereby Causing His Wife to Leave Him, Thus Forcing Him to Redouble His Drinking
October 1, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Haypenny!
September 30, 2003 | More New TV Shows Premièring This Week
September 30, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Lacey Chabert!
September 30, 2003 | Stowe
September 30, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Monica Bellucci!
September 29, 2003 | Premières You May Have Missed
September 29, 2003 | Fall Première Week
September 29, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Andrew “Dice” Clay!
September 28, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Gwyneth Paltrow!
September 26, 2003 | The Apology
September 26, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Olivia Newton-John!
September 25, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Senator Kefauver
September 25, 2003 | Hollywood Interruption
September 25, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta-Jones!
September 24, 2003 | First Eight Drafts of My Resignation Letter
September 23, 2003 | Y.P.R.’s Cheap & Stupid Stunt for Shameless Self-Promotion That Nonetheless Guarantees a Good Time for One and All
September 23, 2003 | Inner Monologue from This Morning’s Subway Commute
September 23, 2003 | Putney
September 23, 2003 | Stender, Amy
September 23, 2003 | Barres, Scott
September 23, 2003 | Flirting with Death
September 23, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Ray Charles!
September 23, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Ani Difranco!
September 22, 2003 | Brief Character Summaries for My Yet-to-Be-Written Play
September 21, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Jerry Bruckheimer!
September 21, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Dave Coulier!
September 16, 2003 | Dear Jen
September 15, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Tommy Lee Jones!
September 15, 2003 | Chimps
September 12, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Paul Walker!
September 12, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Yao Ming!
September 12, 2003 | No More Fun
September 11, 2003 | Postmodern Irony Final Exam
September 10, 2003 | On Values and Other Positions
September 9, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Hugh Grant!
September 9, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Adam Sandler
September 9, 2003 | Gygantopithecus Blackus, or, The Hunt for “Big Al”
September 8, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Henry Thomas!
September 8, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Pink!
September 8, 2003 | The Nature of the Carolina Ghost Crab
September 8, 2003 | Delia, Christina
September 8, 2003 | DiClaudio, Dennis
September 8, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Brooke Burke!
September 4, 2003 | Una Lettera Aperta Alla Gente Che Cerca “Piedi di Monica Bellucci”
September 4, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Beyoncé!
September 3, 2003 | Lady, Your Pipes Need Cleaning
September 3, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Eileen Brennan!
September 3, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Adam Curry!
September 3, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Charlie Sheen!
September 2, 2003 | Sentiments Anti-Français
September 2, 2003 | Let’s Go France!
September 2, 2003 | The Nose
September 2, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Keanu!
September 1, 2003 | A Postcard from Paris
September 1, 2003 | Louis XIV’s To-Do List
September 1, 2003 | Useful Phrases for the American in Paris
August 29, 2003 | Everything Is Translated
August 28, 2003 | Random Selections from the ‘U’ Volume of the Encyclopedia
August 28, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Jason Priestly!
August 27, 2003 | The Travis Diaries
August 27, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Sgt. Slaughter!
August 27, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Pee-wee Herman!
August 25, 2003 | “I Do”
August 25, 2003 | Six Months
August 22, 2003 | Extreme Creative Writing
August 22, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Norman Schwarzkopft!
August 22, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Cindy Williams!
August 22, 2003 | Larson, Darby
August 21, 2003 | A Reason to Party
August 21, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Erika Christenson!
August 21, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Kim Catrall!
August 20, 2003 | Horseshit.
August 20, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Al Roker!
August 19, 2003 | Happy Birthday, John Stamos!
August 19, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Frank McCourt!
August 19, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Bill & Tipper!
August 19, 2003 | Alameda, Jackie
August 19, 2003 | Possible Names for My Rock Band
August 19, 2003 | Dear Christina Aguilera
August 18, 2003 | “I Am Your Governor” by Arnold Schwarzenegger
August 18, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Malcolm-Jamal Warner!
August 18, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Patrick Swayze!
August 18, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Christian Slater!
August 18, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Robert Redford!
August 18, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Madeleine Stowe!
August 18, 2003 | Obituaries
August 18, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Edward Norton!
August 18, 2003 | .edu: An Exchange with My Alma Mater
August 14, 2003 | “Huff in Here” by Arianna Huffington
August 14, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Halle Berry!
August 14, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Steve Martin!
August 13, 2003 | “In Like Me” by Larry Flynt
August 12, 2003 | “Watchu Talkin’ ’bout Cali?” by Gary Coleman
August 12, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Casey Affleck!
August 12, 2003 | Californication
August 11, 2003 | Timothy McSweeney’s Pretentious Horseshit
August 11, 2003 | “McSwys”
August 11, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Hulk Hogan!
August 7, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Alan Keyes!
August 6, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Soleil Moon Frye!
August 6, 2003 | Happy Birthday, M. Night Shyamalan!
August 6, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Geri Halliwell!
August 6, 2003 | The Nine Lives of Chester the Cat
August 5, 2003 | Goth
August 5, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Jonathan Silverman!
August 5, 2003 | Hoff, Jessika
August 4, 2003 | 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Mutated Cloned Offspring
August 4, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Billy Bob Thornton!
August 4, 2003 | Coates, T. J.
August 1, 2003 | Behind the Scenes: Gigli
August 1, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Tempestt Bledsoe!
August 1, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Dom DeLuise!
July 31, 2003 | Middle East Gawker
July 30, 2003 | Dear Honorary Mayor of Hollywood
July 30, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Arnold Schwarzenegger!
July 29, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Ken Burns!
July 28, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Elizabeth Berkley!
July 25, 2003 | A Muggle’s Guide to the World of Harry Potter
July 24, 2003 | Dialogue from Deleted Scenes from Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
July 24, 2003 | Swiffer
July 24, 2003 | Happy Birthday, J. Lo!
July 23, 2003 | The 10-Spot
July 23, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Daniel Radcliffe!
July 22, 2003 | Excerpted Transcript of the Worst Game Show Ever
July 21, 2003 | Upcoming Titles from Y.P.R. Books: Travel
July 21, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Larry ‘Bud’ Melman!
July 21, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Jon Lovitz!
July 18, 2003 | Infantile Nomenclature
July 18, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Vin Diesel!
July 18, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Hunter S. Thompson!
July 17, 2003 | Potty Humor
July 17, 2003 | Happy Birthday, David Hasselhoff!
July 16, 2003 | An Intervention Discovered upon Peeling off the Label on This Bottle of Beer
July 16, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Pheobe Cates!
July 15, 2003 | Happy Birthdays, Brian Austin Green, Scott Foley, Brigette Nielson, Forest Whitaker, Willie Aames, Joe Satriani, Jesse “The Body” Ventura, & Arianna Huffington!
July 14, 2003 | The Persistance of Memory
July 14, 2003 | Ashburner, Karen
July 14, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Tommy Mottola!
July 13, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Patrick Stewart!
July 13, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Cameron Crowe!
July 13, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Harrison Ford!
July 12, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Cheech!
July 12, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Bill Cosby!
July 11, 2003 | I Love the 80s!
July 11, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Lil’ Kim!
July 10, 2003 | I Sooooo Need an Intern
July 9, 2003 | Why I’ll Never Be Featured at the Cannes Film Festival
July 9, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Courtney Love!
July 9, 2003 | Inside the Actor’s Studio
July 8, 2003 | How It Ended: My Last Four Relationships
July 8, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Kevin Bacon!
July 7, 2003 | Where God Lies
July 4, 2003 | A Letter from Brent D. Glass, Director of the Smithsonian National Museum of American History
July 4, 2003 | George Washington’s To-Do List, July 4, 1776
July 4, 2003 | A Junior-High School Student’s Sessay Found in this Old History Textbook
July 4, 2003 | The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!
July 4, 2003 | Four Fours
July 4, 2003 | Fourth of July Fourthiness
July 3, 2003 | If I Could Fly or Shoot Lasers from My Eyes
July 3, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Tom Cruise!
July 2, 2003 | Reminiscing
July 2, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Jose Canseco!
July 1, 2003 | Hey, That’s My C(r)ab!
July 1, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Pamela Anderson!
June 26, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Derek Jeter!
June 26, 2003 | An AOL Chat among Marcel Marceau, Teller, and That Chick from The Piano
June 25, 2003 | Happy Birthdays, Busy Philipps & Linda Cardellini!
June 25, 2003 | Upcoming Titles from Y.P.R. Books: Self-Help
June 25, 2003 | Things I’ve Learned from the Internet
June 25, 2003 | [Nick Owes Geoff $5]
June 24, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Mick Fleetwood!
June 24, 2003 | Hey, Shakespeare, Kiss My Ass!
June 24, 2003 | Dear Spike Lee
June 23, 2003 | Dear Hip-Hop
June 23, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Selma Blair!
June 23, 2003 | Sports Origins
June 20, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Nicole Kimdan!
June 19, 2003 | Your Desk Is a Wonderland
June 19, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Kathleen Turner!
June 18, 2003 | Faster than a Speeding Bullet
June 18, 2003 | Inner Monologue from This Morning’s Subway Commute
June 18, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Roger Ebert!
June 17, 2003 | The Global Male
June 17, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Joe Piscopo!
June 17, 2003 | Grove, Diana Lynn
June 16, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Yasmine Bleeth!
June 16, 2003 | Gross Anatomy
June 16, 2003 | Ng, Mike
June 13, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Mary-Kate & Ashley!
June 13, 2003 | Re: My Afternoon
June 13, 2003 | Justin Timberlake’s Acceptance Speech for the American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers “Songwriter of the Year” Award
June 13, 2003 | McGregor, J. D.
June 12, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Marv Albert!
June 11, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Gene Wilder!
June 11, 2003 | Cooking
June 10, 2003 | Puck Everlasting: Stanley Cup 2003
June 10, 2003 | Lady, What’s With All The Cats?
June 10, 2003 | What Are We Doing with Our Pucks?
June 10, 2003 | What Are We Doing for Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals?
June 10, 2003 | A Day in the Life of Phil Pritchard, Guardian of the Stanley Cup
June 10, 2003 | A Letter from “Toothless” Jim O’Brien, the Oldest Living Stanley Cup Winner
June 9, 2003 | “Rectum? I Damn Near Killed ’Em!”
June 9, 2003 | You’re Firing Me?
June 9, 2003 | Abraham, David
June 6, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Gary U.S. Bonds!
June 6, 2003 | An Excerpt from the Best Harlequin Romance Novel Ever
June 6, 2003 | Silverman, David
June 5, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Marky Mark!
June 5, 2003 | Your First Time
June 4, 2003 | How to Fix Your Canon Copier
June 4, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Dr. Ruth!
June 4, 2003 | Newell, Brian
June 3, 2003 | Why This Broken Finger Sucks/Doesn’t Suck
June 3, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Chuck Barris!
June 2, 2003 | Boneless Spare Ribs
May 30, 2003 | Why Ari Really Quit
May 30, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Ted McGinley!
May 29, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Bob Hope!
May 28, 2003 | Not Suitable for All Ages
May 28, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Kylie Minogue!
May 27, 2003 | Sally’s Guide to Cleansing Your Corporate Soul
May 27, 2003 | Purple Pants
May 27, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Todd Bridges!
May 26, 2003 | I’ve Got Your Memorial Day Sale Right Here!
May 26, 2003 | Remember Our Fallen Heroes
May 26, 2003 | You’re Invited to the Big Wood Annual Memorial BBQ Bash. . !
May 26, 2003 | Memorial Day Mania!
May 25, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Ian McKellan!
May 25, 2003 | A Long-Lost Love Letter from a U.S. Soldier Stationed in Germany During World War II to His Sweetie Back Home, Discovered beneath the Floorboards of this Old Apartment
May 23, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Jewel!
May 23, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Drew Carey!
May 23, 2003 | Wedding Jitters
May 22, 2003 | Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Not Dead (They Are Hiding)
May 21, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Mr. T!
May 21, 2003 | Ten 10s
May 21, 2003 | Buffy’s and Dawson’s Farewells
May 20, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Bronson Pinchot
May 20, 2003 | My Cult Is Having Serious Problems
May 17, 2003 | Ari and Aaron Exit Stage Right
May 15, 2003 | The Matrix Reloaded
May 9, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Billy Joel!
May 9, 2003 | Nueve de Mayo
May 8, 2003 | It’s All about the Sacagaweas
May 8, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Gary Glitter!
May 7, 2003 | Ransom-Note Writing Tips
May 7, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Breckin Meyer!
May 6, 2003 | Prenatal Hoop Dreams
May 6, 2003 | Happy Birthday, George Clooney!
May 5, 2003 | ¡Cinco de Mayo!
May 5, 2003 | A Message from the Mexican Minister of Tourism
May 5, 2003 | Re: Why Girls Can’t Drive
May 5, 2003 | ¿What Are We Doing with Our Empty Corona Bottles?
May 5, 2003 | ¡Don’t Want No Mexican Radio!
May 5, 2003 | ¡How We’re Celebrating Cinco de Mayo!
May 5, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Danielle Fishel!
May 2, 2003 | Dear Fruit Loops
May 2, 2003 | Geoff Wolinetz, Guest Bartender
May 1, 2003 | Springtime in the Ghetto
May 1, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Tim McGraw!
May 1, 2003 | Around the World
April 30, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Kirsten Dunst!
April 30, 2003 | Life as a Houseboat
April 29, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Carnie Wilson!
April 29, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Master P!
April 29, 2003 | Why Girls Can’t Drive
April 29, 2003 | Grover, Lisa
April 28, 2003 | Jay-Z’s “Do Re Mi”
April 28, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Penélope Cruz!
April 25, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Al Pacino!
April 25, 2003 | Pen Pals
April 25, 2003 | Results
April 24, 2003 | Happy Birthdays, Cedric & Djimon!
April 24, 2003 | I Could Simonize My Car
April 24, 2003 | McDermott, Jack
April 23, 2003 | I’m a Red Hot Chili Pepper!
April 23, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Joyce DeWitt!
April 23, 2003 | Kiedis, Anthony*
April 22, 2003 | Scenes from Next Week’s Episode of “Potato, Come Home!”
April 21, 2003 | I Can’t Wait for My Midlife Crisis!
April 21, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Tony Danza!
April 18, 2003 | “Easter? I Hardly Know Her!”
April 18, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Victoria Beckham!
April 18, 2003 | Happy Birthday, James Woods!
April 17, 2003 | Lo! Bread of Affliction: How to Flirt with a Guest at the Seder
April 16, 2003 | More Soup, Please
April 16, 2003 | Dear KTU
April 15, 2003 | XL
April 15, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Samantha Fox!
April 15, 2003 | A Glimpse into the Domestic Life of my Least Favorite English Professor
April 14, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Adrien Brody!
April 14, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Sarah Michelle Gellar!
April 14, 2003 | Top 10 Things That Sucked about My Day (In No Particular Order)
April 14, 2003 | Kucharsky, Jason
April 11, 2003 | Dear Spam
April 11, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Joel Grey!
April 11, 2003 | To the Chap Who Finds This Bottled-Enclosed Message
April 10, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Mandy Moore!
April 10, 2003 | My Huge Head
April 9, 2003 | Generic 60s Beach Sitcom
April 9, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Jenna Jameson!
April 8, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Robin Wright Penn!
April 8, 2003 | Cause Célèbre
April 7, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Jackie Chan!
April 7, 2003 | … And the Horse You Rode in On
April 7, 2003 | Dear Sally Field’s Agent
April 6, 2003 | Dear N.Y.T.B.R. Pt. V
April 4, 2003 | How to Get Rid of a Body Using Ordinary Household Objects
April 4, 2003 | Happy Birthday, David Blaine!
April 4, 2003 | MacFarlane, James
April 3, 2003 | Do Not Spindle or Mutilate
April 3, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Marlon Brando!
April 3, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Jane Goodall!
April 3, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Alec Baldwin!
April 2, 2003 | Mistakes I’ve Made …
April 2, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Ron Palillo!
April 1, 2003 | Hasselhoff: A Retrospective
April 1, 2003 | Le Jour d’Imbécile d’Avril
April 1, 2003 | Tag Des April Dummkopfs
April 1, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Method Man!
March 31, 2003 | Clips from Upcoming Films I Don’t Want to See
March 31, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Christopher Walken!
March 30, 2003 | Dear N.Y.T.B.R. Pt. IV
March 28, 2003 | That’s Not How You Shave a Bear
March 28, 2003 | Smuggled Goods
March 27, 2003 | Things I Can’t Believe Happened (March 2003)
March 27, 2003 | Middleman, Harold
March 26, 2003 | A TV-Commercial Script
March 26, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Amy Smart!
March 26, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Steven Tyler!
March 25, 2003 | Nunnery vs. Cathouse
March 25, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Gloria Steinem!
March 24, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Nena!
March 24, 2003 | Why Do People Keep Telling Me I’m Racist and Stupid?
March 23, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Keri Russell
March 23, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Ric Ocasek
March 23, 2003 | Dear N.Y.T.B.R. Pt. III
March 23, 2003 | Oscar Coverage 2003
March 23, 2003 | Henny Youngman’s Lifetime Achievement Award Acceptance Speech
March 23, 2003 | Bruce Vilanche’s To-Do List
March 23, 2003 | What’s in My Oscar Goodie Bag?
March 23, 2003 | A Postcard from Joan
March 23, 2003 | Crappy Oscar Song that Is Not Clever but Shoots for Cheap Laughs Based on Recognition of Pop Melodies and the Juxtaposition of Movie Titles
March 23, 2003 | Complete List of Nominees
March 22, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Andrew Lloyd Weber & Stephen Sondheim
March 22, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Reese Witherspoon
March 21, 2003 | Old-Timey Sales Pitch
March 21, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Rosie O’Donnell!
March 20, 2003 | Axis of Weasel
March 20, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Spike Lee!
March 19, 2003 | Dear Froot Loops
March 19, 2003 | Dear HBO
March 19, 2003 | Alternative Uses for Instant Paper Pulp
March 19, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Bruce Willis!
March 19, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Tyrone Hill!
March 18, 2003 | If S.T.D.s Were People, I’d Be China
March 18, 2003 | Cavanaugh, Pierre
March 18, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Queen Latifah!
March 17, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Rob Lowe!
March 17, 2003 | A Salute to Some Things Irish
March 16, 2003 | Dear N.Y.T.B.R. Pt. II
March 15, 2003 | A Time to Laugh, a Time to Cry
March 14, 2003 | My Dinner with Bellucci and Bellow
March 14, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Michael Caine!
March 13, 2003 | L’Chiam!
March 13, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Fred Berry!
March 12, 2003 | Sticky Situation
March 12, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Ron Jeremy!
March 11, 2003 | Beef
March 11, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Joey Buttafuoco
March 10, 2003 | I’m Sorry, What?
March 10, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Chuck Norris!
March 9, 2003 | Dear Secretary of Transportation
March 9, 2003 | Dear Oxford
March 8, 2003 | Dear New York Times Book Review
March 8, 2003 | Dear N.Y.T.B.R., Pt. I
March 6, 2003 | Strip This!
March 6, 2003 | Dear Maxell
March 5, 2003 | Koufax! The Musical
March 5, 2003 | Dear M&M;’s
March 4, 2003 | Dear Dairy Barn
March 4, 2003 | Ask Professor Quark
March 3, 2003 | E-mail to G-d
March 3, 2003 | Tequiza Makes Me Tequeasy
March 3, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Julie Bowen!
March 3, 2003 | Dear AOL
March 2, 2003 | Dear Coca-Cola
March 1, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Roger Daltrey!
March 1, 2003 | Dear Dr. Zizmor
February 28, 2003 | A Good Piece of ‘S’
February 28, 2003 | Dear the Gap
February 28, 2003 | Reardon, Sally
February 27, 2003 | Dear Starbucks
February 27, 2003 | Semper Fi
February 27, 2003 | Stuff that Sounds like Porn
February 26, 2003 | The Semi-Private Thoughts of Connie Chung
February 25, 2003 | Why I Will Never Win the Nobel Peace Prize
February 25, 2003 | A Star Is Born
February 24, 2003 | Dear Sierra Mist
February 24, 2003 | Lenny Goldfarb, Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse
February 23, 2003 | Confessions of a Kindergarten Mind
February 22, 2003 | Five-Second Theater Proudly Presents Play on Words: A Drama in One Act
February 21, 2003 | Cha Cha Cha
February 20, 2003 | A Short Film That Will Be Rated ‘R’, for Nudity, Drug Use, Adult Language, and Excessive Violence, in That Order
February 20, 2003 | Stillman, Ray
February 19, 2003 | That One Time I (an American) Called England (a Country in Europe)
February 19, 2003 | Jobs
February 18, 2003 | From the Producers of “24”
February 17, 2003 | Advance Publicity for My Unwritten Masterpiece, in Case I’m Dead
February 16, 2003 | A Miramax Development Executive’s Notes on My Date Last Night
February 14, 2003 | Submit!
February 12, 2003 | About Y.P.R.
February 11, 2003 | Links
February 11, 2003 | Missing Link
February 11, 2003 | Sausage Link
February 11, 2003 | Cuff Links
February 11, 2003 | Link Hogthrob
February 11, 2003 | Chain Links
February 11, 2003 | Lancelot Link
February 11, 2003 | Hyper Links
February 10, 2003 | ©, Etc.
February 7, 2003 | Dear Lesotho
February 7, 2003 | Rufferto, Bobby
February 6, 2003 | Appeal to the U.S. Government
February 6, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Bob Seger!
February 4, 2003 | You Like Me, You Really Like
February 3, 2003 | It Will Always Be Burma to Me
February 3, 2003 | So You’ve Decided to Subscribe to Y.P.R.’s Mass Communiqué
February 3, 2003 | Right On
February 3, 2003 | Unsubscribe
February 3, 2003 | Subscribe
February 2, 2003 | Suggestion Box
February 2, 2003 | Thanks.
February 2, 2003 | Kindred Spirits
February 2, 2003 | Support
February 2, 2003 | Contact
February 1, 2003 | Suggestions for Reading and Enjoying Yankee Pot Roast
February 1, 2003 | A Recipe for Yankee Pot Roast
February 1, 2003 | “Scrawl”
February 1, 2003 | “Kitsch”
February 1, 2003 | “Shine”
January 24, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Matthew Lillard!
January 24, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Yakov Smirnoff!
January 24, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Mary Lou Retton!
January 23, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Sonny Chiba!
January 22, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Linda Blair!
January 21, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Emma Bunton!
January 20, 2003 | Happy Birthday, Buzz Aldrin!
January 16, 2003 | Happy Birthday, John Carpenter!
January 15, 2003 | Abraham, Josh
January 1, 2003 | Jezarian, Nick
January 1, 2003 | Wolinetz, Geoff
October 11, 2002 | You Cannot Love All the People All the Time
October 8, 2002 | Letter of Resignation
September 24, 2002 | Only Time
July 22, 2002 | Out of My Cold, Dead Hands
July 19, 2002 | Dust in the Wind
July 19, 2002 | Begin the Begin
July 17, 2002 | Correspondence
July 16, 2002 | And the Beat Goes On
July 15, 2002 | Today I Play Hooky
July 12, 2002 | Ask Not for Whom the Bell Tolls …
July 11, 2002 | The Real World Awaits
July 10, 2002 | Critics, Shmritics
July 9, 2002 | Cheese, Glorious Cheese
July 9, 2002 | Those Were the Salad Days, although These Are Good, Too
July 8, 2002 | Monday Morning Lament
July 3, 2002 | Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza
July 2, 2002 | Untitled Again
July 1, 2002 | Untitled
June 28, 2002 | Untitled Post
June 28, 2002 | I Am Going to Die Alone
June 27, 2002 | The Succulent Cantaloupe
June 27, 2002 | And on that Note, Let’s Cue the Music …
January 31, 2002 | “Prehistoric Logo”

By Dep't

Art
Celebrate Your Independence, Take Care of Your Digits
Cold Turkey
Extreme Sports, circa 1928
Missus Magazine

Birthday Cards to Celebrities
Happy Birthday, Abe Vigoda!
Happy Birthday, Adam Carolla!
Happy Birthday, Adam Curry!
Happy Birthday, Adam Sandler
Happy Birthday, Adrien Brody!
Happy Birthday, Al Pacino!
Happy Birthday, Al Roker!
Happy Birthday, Alan Keyes!
Happy Birthday, Alec Baldwin!
Happy Birthday, Alice Cooper!
Happy Birthday, Alicia Silverstone!
Happy Birthday, Amy Smart!
Happy Birthday, Andrew “Dice” Clay!
Happy Birthday, Andrew Lloyd Weber & Stephen Sondheim
Happy Birthday, Angela Lansbury!
Happy Birthday, Ani Difranco!
Happy Birthday, Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Happy Birthday, Art Garfunkel!
Happy Birthday, Avril Lavigne!
Happy Birthday, Beyoncé!
Happy Birthday, Big Boi
Happy Birthday, Bill & Tipper!
Happy Birthday, Bill Cosby!
Happy Birthday, Billy Bob Thornton!
Happy Birthday, Billy Joel!
Happy Birthday, Bo Derek!
Happy Birthday, Bob Hope!
Happy Birthday, Bob Saget!
Happy Birthday, Bob Seger!
Happy Birthday, Bobby Knight!
Happy Birthday, Breckin Meyer!
Happy Birthday, Bronson Pinchot
Happy Birthday, Brooke Burke!
Happy Birthday, Bruce Willis!
Happy Birthday, Bryan Ferry!
Happy Birthday, Buzz Aldrin!
Happy Birthday, Cameron Crowe!
Happy Birthday, Carmen Electra!
Happy Birthday, Carnie Wilson!
Happy Birthday, Casey Affleck!
Happy Birthday, Charles Barkley!
Happy Birthday, Charlie Sheen!
Happy Birthday, Charlotte Rae!
Happy Birthday, Charlton Heston!
Happy Birthday, Cheech!
Happy Birthday, Christian Slater!
Happy Birthday, Christie Brinkley
Happy Birthday, Christina Applegate!
Happy Birthday, Christopher Walken!
Happy Birthday, Chubby Checker!
Happy Birthday, Chuck Barris!
Happy Birthday, Chuck Norris!
Happy Birthday, Cindy Williams!
Happy Birthday, Courtney Love!
Happy Birthday, Cuba Gooding Jr.!
Happy Birthday, Daniel Radcliffe!
Happy Birthday, Danielle Fishel!
Happy Birthday, Dave Coulier!
Happy Birthday, David Blaine!
Happy Birthday, David Hasselhoff!
Happy Birthday, David Schwimmer!
Happy Birthday, Demi Moore!
Happy Birthday, Derek Jeter!
Happy Birthday, Dick Vitale!
Happy Birthday, Doctor Dre!
Happy Birthday, Dom DeLuise!
Happy Birthday, Don Johnson!
Happy Birthday, Dr. Ruth!
Happy Birthday, Drew Carey!
Happy Birthday, E. L. Doctorow!
Happy Birthday, Edward Norton!
Happy Birthday, Eileen Brennan!
Happy Birthday, Elijah Wood!
Happy Birthday, Elizabeth Berkley!
Happy Birthday, Emma Bunton!
Happy Birthday, Erika Christenson!
Happy Birthday, Erin Gray!
Happy Birthday, F. Murray Abraham!
Happy Birthday, Frank McCourt!
Happy Birthday, Fred Berry!
Happy Birthday, Gabe Kaplan!
Happy Birthday, Gary Glitter!
Happy Birthday, Gary U.S. Bonds!
Happy Birthday, Gene Wilder!
Happy Birthday, George Clooney!
Happy Birthday, George Stephanopoulos!
Happy Birthday, Geri Halliwell!
Happy Birthday, Gina Gershon!
Happy Birthday, Gloria Steinem!
Happy Birthday, Gwyneth Paltrow!
Happy Birthday, Halle Berry!
Happy Birthday, Harrison Ford!
Happy Birthday, Haypenny!
Happy Birthday, Heidi Klum!
Happy Birthday, Henry Thomas!
Happy Birthday, Hilary Duff!
Happy Birthday, Hugh Grant!
Happy Birthday, Hulk Hogan!
Happy Birthday, Hunter S. Thompson!
Happy Birthday, I. M. Pei!
Happy Birthday, Ian McKellan!
Happy Birthday, Ian Ziering!
Happy Birthday, India.Arie!
Happy Birthday, J. D. Salinger!
Happy Birthday, J. Lo!
Happy Birthday, J. M. Coetzee & JM J. Bullock!
Happy Birthday, Jackie Chan!
Happy Birthday, James Woods!
Happy Birthday, Jane Goodall!
Happy Birthday, Jason Priestly!
Happy Birthday, Jeffrey Jones!
Happy Birthday, Jenna Jameson!
Happy Birthday, Jerry Bruckheimer!
Happy Birthday, Jerry Orbach!
Happy Birthday, Jesus Christ!
Happy Birthday, Jewel!
Happy Birthday, Jill Whelan!
Happy Birthday, Joaquin Pheonix!
Happy Birthday, Joe Montana!
Happy Birthday, Joe Piscopo!
Happy Birthday, Joel Grey!
Happy Birthday, Joey Buttafuoco
Happy Birthday, John Carpenter!
Happy Birthday, John Stamos!
Happy Birthday, Jon Lovitz!
Happy Birthday, Jonathan Silverman!
Happy Birthday, Jose Canseco!
Happy Birthday, Joyce DeWitt!
Happy Birthday, Judy Blume!
Happy Birthday, Julie Bowen!
Happy Birthday, Kate Moss!
Happy Birthday, Kate Winslet!
Happy Birthday, Kathleen Turner!
Happy Birthday, Keanu!
Happy Birthday, Ken Burns!
Happy Birthday, Keri Russell
Happy Birthday, Kevin Bacon!
Happy Birthday, Kim Catrall!
Happy Birthday, Kirsten Dunst!
Happy Birthday, Kylie Minogue!
Happy Birthday, Lacey Chabert!
Happy Birthday, Larry ‘Bud’ Melman!
Happy Birthday, Lil’ Kim!
Happy Birthday, Linda Blair!
Happy Birthday, Liv Ullmann!
Happy Birthday, M. Night Shyamalan!
Happy Birthday, Madeleine Stowe!
Happy Birthday, Malcolm-Jamal Warner!
Happy Birthday, Mandy Moore!
Happy Birthday, Mario Van Peebles!
Happy Birthday, Marky Mark!
Happy Birthday, Marlon Brando!
Happy Birthday, Marquis de Sade!
Happy Birthday, Martina Hingis!
Happy Birthday, Marv Albert!
Happy Birthday, Mary Lou Retton!
Happy Birthday, Mary-Kate & Ashley!
Happy Birthday, Master P!
Happy Birthday, Matthew Lillard!
Happy Birthday, Mel Gibson!
Happy Birthday, Melanie Chisholm!
Happy Birthday, Method Man!
Happy Birthday, Michael Caine!
Happy Birthday, Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta-Jones!
Happy Birthday, Michael Stipe!
Happy Birthday, Mick Fleetwood!
Happy Birthday, Monica Bellucci!
Happy Birthday, Mr. T!
Happy Birthday, Nancy Sinatra!
Happy Birthday, Neil Patrick Harris!
Happy Birthday, Nena!
Happy Birthday, Nicole Kimdan!
Happy Birthday, Norman Schwarzkopft!
Happy Birthday, Olivia Newton-John!
Happy Birthday, Orlando Bloom!
Happy Birthday, Pamela Anderson!
Happy Birthday, Paris Hilton!
Happy Birthday, Pat Summerall!
Happy Birthday, Patrick Stewart!
Happy Birthday, Patrick Swayze!
Happy Birthday, Paul Newman!
Happy Birthday, Paul Walker!
Happy Birthday, Pee-wee Herman!
Happy Birthday, Penny Marshall!
Happy Birthday, Penélope Cruz!
Happy Birthday, Pete Rose!
Happy Birthday, Peter Gabriel!
Happy Birthday, Pheobe Cates!
Happy Birthday, Pink!
Happy Birthday, Plácido Domingo!
Happy Birthday, Queen Latifah!
Happy Birthday, Rachael Leigh Cook!
Happy Birthday, Ray Charles!
Happy Birthday, Reese Witherspoon
Happy Birthday, Ric Ocasek
Happy Birthday, Rider Strong!
Happy Birthday, Rob Lowe!
Happy Birthday, Robert Redford!
Happy Birthday, Roberto Benigni!
Happy Birthday, Roberto Benigni!
Happy Birthday, Robin Wright Penn!
Happy Birthday, Roger Daltrey!
Happy Birthday, Roger Ebert!
Happy Birthday, Ron Jeremy!
Happy Birthday, Ron Palillo!
Happy Birthday, Rosie O’Donnell!
Happy Birthday, Sally Field!
Happy Birthday, Samantha Fox!
Happy Birthday, Sarah Jessica Parker!
Happy Birthday, Sarah Michelle Gellar!
Happy Birthday, Seann William Scott!
Happy Birthday, Selma Blair!
Happy Birthday, Sgt. Slaughter!
Happy Birthday, Sigourney Weaver!
Happy Birthday, Sir Roger Moore!
Happy Birthday, Soleil Moon Frye!
Happy Birthday, Sonny Chiba!
Happy Birthday, Spike Lee!
Happy Birthday, Stephen Hawking!
Happy Birthday, Steve Jobs!
Happy Birthday, Steve Martin!
Happy Birthday, Steven Tyler!
Happy Birthday, Suge Knight!
Happy Birthday, Tallulah Willis!
Happy Birthday, Ted Bundy & Charles Starkweather!
Happy Birthday, Ted McGinley!
Happy Birthday, Tempestt Bledsoe!
Happy Birthday, Tim McGraw!
Happy Birthday, Tina Fey!
Happy Birthday, Todd Bridges!
Happy Birthday, Tom Cruise!
Happy Birthday, Tommy Lee Jones!
Happy Birthday, Tommy Mottola!
Happy Birthday, Tony Danza!
Happy Birthday, Tyrone Hill!
Happy Birthday, Umberto Eco!
Happy Birthday, Vanilla Ice!
Happy Birthday, Victoria Beckham!
Happy Birthday, Vin Diesel!
Happy Birthday, Václav Havel!
Happy Birthday, Wilford Brimley!
Happy Birthday, William Shakespeare!
Happy Birthday, Wolfgang Puck!
Happy Birthday, Woody Allen!
Happy Birthday, Yakov Smirnoff!
Happy Birthday, Yao Ming!
Happy Birthday, Yasmine Bleeth!
Happy Birthday, Yo-Yo Ma!
Happy Birthdays, Brian Austin Green, Scott Foley, Brigette Nielson, Forest Whitaker, Willie Aames, Joe Satriani, Jesse “The Body” Ventura, & Arianna Huffington!
Happy Birthdays, Busy Philipps & Linda Cardellini!
Happy Birthdays, Cedric & Djimon!
Happy Birthdays, Oprah & Tom Selleck!
Happy Birthdays, William Safire, Giovanni Ribisi, Peter Farrelly, Bill Pullman, Milla Jovovich, & Bob Guccione!

Book Club
A Fairly Balanced Look at Rightwing Propaganda
J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Jonathan Safran Foer’s Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Kitty Kelley’s The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.’s Canon
Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink!
Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint
Sam Lipsyte’s Home Land

Calendrical Happenings
Californication
Christmastime Is Here
Fall Première Week
Fourth of July Fourthiness
Memorial Day Mania!
Oscar Coverage 2003
Puck Everlasting: Stanley Cup 2003
Sentiments Anti-Français
The Bone-Chilling, Spine-Tingling, Hair-Raising, Bloodcurdling Hallowe’en House of Horror
The Ghosts of Christmas Past
The Y.P.OscaRs
Valentine’s Day Massacre
Writers-on-Writing Month
Y.P.R.’s R.N.C. in N.Y.C. 2004
¡Cinco de Mayo!

Columns
Attn: N.Y.C.-Area Actors
Woodstock

Contributors' Notes
Abraham, David
Abraham, Josh
Aguilera, Christina*
Alameda, Jackie
Albert, Jason
Ames, Greg
Amey, Jennifer
Anthoni, Victor
Antoniadis, Tony
Antosca, Nick
Armstrong, Jon
Ashburner, Karen
Atkinson, Thea
Attenberg, Jami
Ausherman, Stephen
Baird, Alan C.
Baker, Gail Konop
Barnosky, Jeff
Barres, Scott
Beatty, Brian
Bell, Martin
Belz, Aaron
Bittner, Russell
Blair, Amy
Bloom, Jared
Borden, Matthew
Bosch, Kim
Bradbury-Carlin, Russell
Bricker, Ryan
Brozinsky, Murray
Bunsen
Burch, Ron
Burnette, William K.
Carey, Ian
Carter, K. Robinson
Carter, Theodore
Caselle, Tania
Cassidy, Oliver
Cavanaugh, Pierre
Chambers, Cheryl
Champlin, Brian
Chandler, Rick
Christie, Jake
Coates, T. J.
Coen, Jessica
Comstock, Emily
Connelly, James
Conway, Jack
Coppedge, Whit
Coulbourn, Tom
Cox, Daniel Byard
Cox, Jocelyn
Dabbene, Peter
Davis, Dan
Dean, Doug
Delia, Christina
DiClaudio, Dennis
DiGerolamo, Tony
Dobson, Dale
Drach, Mike
Drennon, Raleigh
Dudbridge, Lindsay
Ewing, Michael J.
Fahy, Michael
Feezell, Eric
Figler, Dayvid
Finbow, Steve
Flynn, Julianne
Fowler, Michael
Fradera, Alex
Francesco Marciuliano
Fried, Seth
Gaffney, Larry
Galef, David
Gallagher, Aileen
Gamelli, Ralph
Garcia, Nicanor
Garduño, Federico
Garnett, Joy
Genusa, Angela
Giles, Gareth
Gladstone, Wayne
Golden, Andrew
Gorman, Jeremy
Graham, Brian
Granger, Chris
Grayson, Richard
Grierson, Tim
Grove, Diana Lynn
Grover, Lisa
Haas, Jeff
Haddon, Cole
Haggerty, Geoff
Harnetiaux, John
Hasan, Russell
Held, Lucas
Himmer, Steve
Hoff, Jessika
Hopkins, Thomas
Houk, J. M.
Housley, Dave
Hubley, Jen
Hughes, Brian
Irving, John*
Isenberg, Robert
Jaffe, Anthony
Janzen, J. Daniel
Jasper, David
Jezarian, Nick
Jezarian, Nick; Tobey, Matthew; & Wolinetz, Geoff
Jodzio, John
John, David
John, David
Kahn, Justin
Kane, Jessica Francis
Kasperek, Rita
Kavadlo, Jesse
Keller, Joel
Kelley, Heather
Kemper, Ellie
Kennedy, Gideon C.
Kepnes, Caroline
Kharakh, Ben
Kiedis, Anthony*
Kinsella, Kevin
Kiraly, Andrew
Klein, Dan
Koch, Elizabeth & Zuniga, Todd
Koch, Julie
Koromilas, Kathryn
Kotzin, Miriam N.
Koyen, Jeff
Krimstein, Ken
Krucoff, Andrew
Kucharsky, Jason
Kukoda, Jack
Larson, Darby
Layman & Osmond
Layman, Will
Leitch, Will
Lembrey, Victor
Lesser, Frank
LiCata, Vince
Liu, Calvin
Loomis, Stephen
MacFarlane, James
Maclean, Roderick
Macomber, Trevor
Madore, P. H.
Mailer, Norman*
Martin, David
Martin, Jeremy
Masterson, Timber
Maurer, Daniel
McDermott, Jack
McGregor, J. D.
McNeil, Christian
Meister, Ellen
Mesler, Corey
Middleman, Harold
Miles, Martha
Miller, Dennis*
Monks, Christopher
Morgan, Gene
Motisher, George
Murray, Ed
Murray, Edward Lee
Nadler, Charlie
Nester, Daniel
Newell, Brian
Newman, Karen
Ng, David
Ng, Mike
Novack, Carol
O cuinn, kevin
O’Brien, Christopher
Oberman, Zach
Oliver, Jeffrey
Osmond, Chris
Pastorek, Whitney
Peck, Justin
Perez, Alexander
Phillips-Sandy, Mary
Pollack, Neal
Proctor, Dennis
Procé, Brendan
Reagan Administration, The
Reardon, Sally
Richards, Jeremy
Richardson-Bryan, Mike
Robbins, Tom*
Roberts, Kent
Robertson, Lindsay
Robillard, G. Xavier
Rock, J. Chris & Leary, John
Roeder, Jason
Rogers, Joseph
Rorem, Matthew
Rottman, Michael
Routh, Phillip
Ruehlmann, Greg
Rufferto, Bobby
Sack, Brian
Sacks, Mike
Salerno, Kathy
Salinger, J. D. *
Sallini-Genovese, J.
Salomon, Rick*
Savage, Randy “Macho Man”*
Savelyev, Simon
Sawalich, William
Schmitt, Jeff
Schroll, Savannah
Schwartz, Greg
Seigler, Trevor
Sexton, Kay
Shearn, Amy
Sheivachman, Andrew
Shepherd S. E.
Shinefield, Mordechai
Shipley, Jonathan
Sierra, Gabrielle
Silver, Eric
Silverman, David
Silverman, Peter B.
Simon, Paul*
Singal, Jesse
Slick, Robin
Smith, Dave
Smith, J. D.
Smith, Tyler
Smith, Tyler Stoddard
Spiewak, Aaron
Stahl, Jon
Starmer, Aaron
Stein, Leigh
Stender, Amy
Stern, Jonathan
Stillman, Ray
Stingley, Mick
Sweeney, Shap
Tabby, Binky
Tarantino, Quentin*
Theys, Lydia Fazio
Thompson, Brian
Tobey, Matthew
Tolley, John
Tolstoy, Leo
Van Doren, Heather
Verlizzo, Lauren
Verratti, Thom
Vick, Julie
Vonnegut, Kurt Jr.*
Ward, Michael
Warner, James
Waters, David
Wayne, Teddy
Weinman, Jaime J.
Wennermark, Erik
Wexler, Jay
Willems, Brian
Wolinetz, Geoff
Wolinsky, Ross
Woodiwiss, Bob
Wurn, Diana
Yao Wen, Han
Yeh, James
Young, L. Lynn
Youngman, Henny*
Zeidler, Kevin
Zulkey, Claire

Correspondence
36 Hours: Penn Station
Dear Secretary of Transportation
Letter to Chris Noth: Mr. Big, Detective Logan, and Owner of N.Y.C.’s Cutting Room

Covers
Brady Bunch Cliff Notes
The New York Toast
Extreme Sports, circa 1928
Falafel!
Missus Magazine
Nylon Curtains
Satann Coulter
Space Playa
Stepping into a Slim Jim
The Complete Radar, Vol. I-II
The Family Matters
Tiding of Joy
Twelfth Night of the Living Dead
Use Your Illustration
X-Woman
Yes, I Said Yes

Daily Garfield® Digest
“Meow.”
32°F or Jon’s IQ: Which Is Higher?
A Play In One Act
Adventures in Primatology
And Funky Winkerbean Languishes in Obscurity
As the Pizza Turns …
Bet There’s a Half-Eaten Bag Stuffed under the Cat’s Bed
Beware the Dust Mites
Cat Nap
Cat and Dog Watch TV
Comedy Gold
Crap in Three Panels, for almost Three Decades
Cruelty to Animals
Curiosity Killed Something Else
Dog Licks Cone & Cat
Don’t Smell the Kraut
Dork Calling Orson
Eyes on Arbuckle
Following the Letter of the Law, but Not the Spirit
Get It? Because He Ate the Bird
Happy Cat
He Knows When You Are Confused and Disappointed
He Sees You When You’re Eating His Cookies, You Pudgy Bastard
Hide, Seek
Is This Shit Supposed to Be Funny?
Jim Davis Probably Made Ten Times My Yearly Salary for These Ten Words
Jim Davis’s First Dick Joke
Jon Arbuckle and the Spiders from Mars
Jon Is Fooled by a Three-Dollar Bill, or Maybe He’s as Gay as One
Jon Looks Hungover (Stubble, Droopy Eyes) but Garfield Guesses Correctly That the Putz Was Out Late Because He Got Lost
Justify My Love
Little Mouse Feet
Looking a Gift Horse in the Mouth
Macho Nacho
Nappy Cat
Of Course the Fat Cat Wants Pizza, You Maroon
Paging David Blaine…
Pavlov Is Shuffling in His Urn
Perhaps the Other End Is a Garfield Phone
Pity, Indeed
Punting Odie, Pointing at All of Us
Raining Cats
Schrödinger’s Call
Some Things Are Best Left Unsaid
Standing and Delivering
Staring into the Abyss
Still
Table For Two (Morons)
That Cat Demo, Pt. III
The Cat Drinks Some Super-Caffeinated Coffee
The Cat Lies
The Cat Smiles
The Coveted 18-to-34-Yr-Old Feline Demographic
The Coveted 18-to-34-Yr-Old Feline Demographic, Pt. II
The Dog Should Have Killed Garfield
The Horror! The Horror!
The Supine Feline
This Comic Strip Depresses the Shit out of Me
This One Really Sucks
Timber?
What a Turkey
Will Respond for Food

Dear Y.P.R.
Canis latrans
?
A Wee Bit Sticky
Allston’s Favorite Drunk
Also Available at Any New England Truck-Stop Diner
Believe It or Not, He’s Really an Attorney
Capricorn Rising
Correção (Correction)
Enquire Within
For the Record, That’s Not Why We’re Pissed at Ourselves
From Nairobi with Love
Happy Birthday, Senator Kefauver
Horseshit.
Huh?
I ♥ Scrushy
I Named the Dog “Indiana”
If We Were Marvel Comics, She’d Win a No-Prize
It’s Shauna, but Most Guys Call Me Shawna.
It’s an Honor Just to Be Read
Kim Needs to Talk
Let’s Go Hoboken!
Marx and Engles to Spite
Morons
Most Logical Answer Yet
Nipsey Fan Seeks Same
Pot Roast Is for Lovers
Rapid Eye Movements
Re: My Afternoon
Seen and Heard in Boston …
Semper Fi
Some Things Remain Impossible, Despite the Heart’s Will
Starbucks Letter Regarding Seemingly Illogical Size Nomenclature
We Keep Yelling “Rooster”
We Should Go Hat-Shopping Together Sometime
We Should Go Hat-Shopping Together Sometime, Pt. II
We’re Working on It
Who’s Your Momma?
Yes, or Psoriasis
Yo, Muthafuckers
Yum, pt. II
¡Los Bastardos Anónimos!

Disquieting Modern Trends
Disquieting Modern Trends Return: Hollywood Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: “Guaranteed 100% Funnier!” Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: Big Apple Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: Offspring Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: The City So Nice We Complain about It Twice Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: iPod Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: Opium Magazine Five-Year Anniversary N.Y.C. Celebration Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: Back to Basics Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: Cry-in-Your-Beer- for-the-Lost-Promise- of-Your-Youth- or-the-Impending-Irrelevance- of-Your-Dotage Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: Interacting with the Smarty-Pants yet Ultimately Insufferable Public Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: Meta-Holiday Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: Navel-Gazing Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: Not So Super Bowl Edition 2007
Disquieting Modern Trends: Our Languor Is Broken by the Crumbling of Society (Cha-Cha) Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: Our Prescience Frightens Us Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: People Ruining America Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: Post-Super Bowl Death Knell of Advertising as We Know It and Desperate Call for Return to Core Values Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: Summertime (and the Living Is Uneasy) Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: The “Branding” Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: Things That Should Work Better in an Age of Unprecedented Technological Mastery and Yet, Maddeningly, Do Not Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: Things We No Longer Think Are Disquieting, “Maybe It Doesn’t All Suck” Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: We Do More Than Watch Nip/Tuck till 3 a.m. (Seriously, We Do) Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: White-Hot Legal-Eagle Point/Counterpoint Edition
Disquieting Modern Trends: William Safire Edition
Five Disquieting Modern Trends

Etc.
A Pleasing Labor Day to You All
Blurbs
Courtney Love Has Come Undone
Dear Kind and Patient Readers
Doing Our Part
Exclusive Gear for Faraway Republicans Visiting Our Liberal Blue City
Extra! Extra! Read All About It! Moronic Online Lit Journal to Go Print! Unsinkable Boat Hits Iceberg! Extra!
Fact-Checking The Village Voice
Freeze! This Is a Bust!
Geoff Wolinetz, Guest Bartender
Gobble, Gobble
Hail To The Chief
Happy Hallowe’en!
Imitations of Anonymity (2nd Item)
Knock, Knock
Le Jour d’Imbécile d’Avril
MMIII: The Whole Kit & Caboodle
MMIV Wrap-Up
MMV
Oh, What a Fortnight!
Requiem for “Snark”
Six Months
Speed Reader
Suggested Reading for Psychopaths
Tell ’Em How You Really Feel
The Apology
The Ghosts of Christmas Past
The Scrolling Book Club
This Is the Ultimate Y.P.R.*
Tidings of Joy
Una Lettera Aperta Alla Gente Che Cerca “Piedi di Monica Bellucci”
We’ll Be Right Back after a Quick Word from Our Sponsors …
Wedding Weekend … Sha La La La
Wherefore Art Thou, Y.P.R.?
Why Cheese?
Y.P.R.’s WLIR/WDRE Shreek-of-the-Week of the Day
Y.P.R.’s Cheap & Stupid Stunt for Shameless Self-Promotion That Nonetheless Guarantees a Good Time for One and All
Y.PRediction for Election Day

Features
Dear New York Times Book Review
Oscar Coverage 2003
Sentiments Anti-Français
Smuggled Goods
The Neal Pollack Roast

Fiction
The As-Yet-Unaired Third ‘Swift Boat Veterans for Truth’ Advertisement
“Huff in Here” by Arianna Huffington
“I Am Your Governor” by Arnold Schwarzenegger
“I Fucked Choire”
“In Like Me” by Larry Flynt
“Now It Can Be Sold” by Drinkmore Stout
“Page Six” of Artforum
“Watchu Talkin’ ’bout Cali?” by Gary Coleman
‘Snotwatch’ by Heidi J.
… And the Horse You Rode in On
1220 AM WLIT: All Lit All the Time
70s Music Is Stupid
8 Simple Rules for Dating My Mutated Cloned Offspring
The New York Times Slash Fic
An American Casanova in New York, by Balthus Poindexter: A Reading Group Guide
Die Hard Police Officer John McClane Prepares His Cover Letter for Admission to an M.F.A. in Creative Writing Program
Hamlet by P. G. Wodehouse
Kill Bill, Vol. II: Please Watch It
Masterpiece Theatre Presents: Charles Dickens’ Bleak House, Starring the Gremlins
The Catcher in the Rye: The Unauthorized German Translation
The Goonies’ Lawrence “Chunk” Cohen Prepares His Cover Letter for an M.F.A. in Creative Writing
The New York Post Lifestyle: Thersday
The O’Reilly Factor for Kids: Chapter 4, “Toys”
The Passion of the Christ: Official Merchandising HQ
Timm Angel, Cleanfreak: The Uncut DVD
A Birthday Card from Chuck Palahniuk
A Day in My Life as Reviewed by Rolling Stone
A Day in the Life of The New Yorker’s Fiction Editorial Board, if It Were a Person
A Day in the Life of Phil Pritchard, Guardian of the Stanley Cup
A Day on the Phone with Mythological Norse Firewarrior, Bringer of Storms
A Few Ideas for the Next Film in George Romero’s Zombie Series
A Frequent Contributor to a Popular Internet Humor Site Is Transported Back in Time, and, after Finding Work as a Writer on Your Show of Shows, Is Reprimanded by Sid Caesar within One Week
A Glimpse into the Domestic Life of my Least Favorite English Professor
A Good Piece of ‘S’
A Hallowe’en Message from Dr. Demento
A Holiday Update from the Kinsleys
A Junior-High School Student’s Sessay Found in this Old History Textbook
A Letter from “Toothless” Jim O’Brien, the Oldest Living Stanley Cup Winner
A Letter from Brent D. Glass, Director of the Smithsonian National Museum of American History
A Long-Lost Love Letter from a U.S. Soldier Stationed in Germany During World War II to His Sweetie Back Home, Discovered beneath the Floorboards of this Old Apartment
A Love Letter
A Memo From Your Pollster
A Message from Avian Influenza A (H5N1) to the People of Planet Earth: I Will Kill You All!
A Message from Franklin Nchita Ogbuewu, Nigeria’s Minister of Tourism
A Message from the Mexican Minister of Tourism
A Miramax Development Executive’s Notes on My Date Last Night
A Modern Short Story
A Moral Pharmacist
A Muggle’s Guide to the World of Harry Potter
A Note from Ann Coulter Left On Neal Pollack’s Pillow
A Plea to the People of Northern Vermont
A Postcard from Joan
A Postcard from Paris
A Press Conference with New White House Spokesman Darth Vader
A Princeton Review Correspondent Overhears Some Tense Moments in Town/Gown Relations
A Public Apology from The New York Post
A Rant on the Blizzard
A Reading from the Book of Genesis
A Real Estate Agent’s Tour Of Hannigan’s Cove: Fictional Town For Rent Or Sale To Aspiring Novelists
A Recently Divorced Movie Critic Reviews The Latest Films
A Salesman Reborn
A Short Conversation with Hal Sparks about His “I Love the 80s” Appearances as We Wait for Our Drinks at a Los Angeles Starbucks
A Short Film That Will Be Rated ‘R’, for Nudity, Drug Use, Adult Language, and Excessive Violence, in That Order
A Slice of Heaven
A Successful Date Ends Badly for Dick Wolf — Creator of TV’s Law & Order
A TV-Commercial Script
A Trick-or-Treat Guide to the Houses on My Block
Abandoned Theme Parks
About the Artist
Acceptance Speech
Admissions Essays of Harvard Applicants Wholly Unqualified to Attend
Advance Publicity for My Unwritten Masterpiece, in Case I’m Dead
Advice from Topeka
Airbag Warnings
Al-Jazeera Coverage of Ozzfest 2004
All That Was Left of My Novel after the Fire
Alternative Uses for Instant Paper Pulp
Alumni Update from the Guy That Sat Behind Me in Homeroom That I Never Talked to and Only Remember Because He Was Really into Candlebox
Amendments to the New Iraqi Constitution
An AOL Chat among Marcel Marceau, Teller, and That Chick from The Piano
An American Psycho Christmas
An Animals’ Forum: Was It Right for Researchers to Grow Human Brain Cells in My Head?
An Entry to the M.P.A.A.’s Contest in Which College Students Are Asked to Make a P.S.A. about the Problem of Online Piracy
An Evening at the Tokyo Ballet
An Excerpt from Flu Shot Review Quarterly’s Winter 2004 Issue
An Excerpt from Gotcha! The 500 Best Practical Jokes for Amputees
An Excerpt from This Month’s Journal of the History of Intellectual Culture: “Shoe Shopping: An Interdisciplinary Case Study of the Effects of Political Discourse on the Marketplace for Shoes”
An Excerpt from the Best Harlequin Romance Novel Ever
An Internet Humor Writer Comes Clean
An Intervention Discovered upon Peeling off the Label on This Bottle of Beer
Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project
Ann Coulter Consults Her Mentor
Announcements From the Flight Deck
Are We Having the Same Conversation?
Armadillo Pad
As Reviewed by Ben Brantley
Ask Professor Quark
Assignation at the Tot Lot
At the Cover Shoot for The O’Reilly Factor for Kids
Axis of Weasel
Back from the Dead and Desperate for Cash, Charles Bukowski Tries to Write a Chick Lit Novel
Barely Awake
Bat Play
Beavis and Butt-Head Do Beckett
Beef
Behind the Scenes: Gigli
Belated Apologies to Girls I Have Known
Big Brass Bunny Band
Birth Announcement
Blink …
Blog Never Written by Mommy Who Had Baby in the Days Before Blogs
Blood Drive
Blurbs from My Conservative Colleagues for the Back of My New Conservative Book
Bowling
Brief Character Summaries for My Yet-to-Be-Written Play
Brushes with Llamas
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam Synopsize Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint
Bush Mountain
C.S.I.: The Lost Franchises
Captain Red Shirt
Cartoon Episodes about Science
Celebrate Just One Day out of Life! You’re Invited to Rocco Schlomo’s Bar Mitzvah
Checkmate
Checkmate, Checkpoint!
Chimps
Christmas Correspondence Between Advice Columnist “Mother Wisdom” and a Disgruntled Reader
Chuck Palahniuk Mows the Lawn
Cliffster Notes
Clips from Upcoming Films I Don’t Want to See
Closing Statements from the Castaways’ Presidential Debate
Clouds: Important!
Concerning My Recent Submission
Condolences Posted to the Funeral Home Web Site Upon the Death of “Zesty the Clown”
Confessions of a Kindergarten Mind
Conversations with My Mother Which Suggest She May Secretly Be a Primatologist
Cooking
Correspondence between Jonathan Safran Foer and Nicole Krauss That Explains How They Wrote the Same Book
Coverage from a Hollywood Reader
Curriculum Fraudium
DIGGIN’ IN THE Y.P.R. CRATES: Meet Your Subway Sandwich Artist
DIGGIN’ IN THE Y.P.R. CRATES: My C-Span Diary: Thursday, July 15, 2004
Daddy Left Me Alone with God
Dating with Goofus and Gallant
Dave Chappelle: The Grand Impostor
David Foster Wallace and Gromit
David Foster Wallace, TV Guide Synopsist
David Mamet Channels Aristophanes
David Sedaris Rules the World
Dead Ends from Rejected “Choose-Your-Own-Adventure” Books
Dear Abba
Dear Jen
Dear K-Fed
Dear Mr. Cigarette
Dear Penthouse Forum
Deleted Lines from Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Speech at the Republican National Convention
Demonic Bias: A Review of Ann Coulter’s How to Talk to a Liberal (if You Must): the World According to Ann Coulter
Design Notes for the Richard Ford “Existence Period” Roller Coaster in Haddam, New Jersey
Dialogue from Deleted Scenes from Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
Dispatches from the V.I.P. Lounge
Do Not Spindle or Mutilate
Donny Most, Happy Days’ Ralph Malph, Leaves Ron Howard a Message on His Voicemail
Ear Harvest
Editor’s Letter
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief as Experienced by Me Reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Elizabeth Smart: The Christopher Monks Interview
Enthrone Rachael Triumphant: Alternate Pilot Concepts Featuring Rachael Ray
Even More Examples of How Viswanathan’s Novel Mirrors the Works of Megan McCafferty
Everything According to Incredible Acquaintances
Everything Is My Everything
Everything Is Translated
Evolution
Excerpt from The Family Matters: The Real Story of the Winslow Dynasty
Excerpt from Tuesdays with Yasser by Mitch Al-Bomb Hawari
Excerpt from George Romero’s New Book of Daily Affirmations
Excerpt from an Article Found in the Handbill for “Let’s Combat Hunger: A Fashion Charity Soirée,” November 14, 2005, New York, New York
Excerpted Transcript of the Worst Game Show Ever
Excerpts from Restroom Confidential: Adventures in the Lavatory Underbelly
Excerpts from The Burning Bonnet: A Tale of Love and Longing Amongst the Amish
Excerpts from What Lessons Can We Learn from Little Johnny, Neighborhood Scamp?—Health & Citizenship Development Series (Educational Resources Ltd.)
Excerpts from Dick Cheney’s Duck-Hunting Journal
Excerpts from Other Speeches Mistakenly Attributed to Kurt Vonnegut
Excerpts from Paul Stanley’s Testimony Before the Senate Armed Services Committee Regarding the Capability and Readiness of the Kiss Army™ in the War Against Terror™
Excerpts from the Future Tell-All Autobiography of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s Unborn Child
Excerpts from the Hipster Law Treatise
Extreme Creative Writing
Extreme Vacations for Wordsmiths
Extremely Long and Incredibly Bad Writer’s Block
Family Film Guide
Famous Comics Speak Out on Handling Hecklers
Fan Fiction Web Site Forum Tackles Eraserhead
Fashion Preview: Four Styles You Should Expect to See Hipsters Wearing This Fall
Fast-Food Sit Down
Favorable Outcomes Generated by Talking About the Weather
Ferris Bueller Fills In for The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist
First Eight Drafts of My Resignation Letter
First and Last Paragraphs of a College-Admissions Essay that Didn’t Get My Niece into Dartmouth Like She Wanted
Five-Second Theater Proudly Presents Play on Words: A Drama in One Act
Flirting with Death
Foreword
Form Letter Rejection from the Magazine Every Day with Rachael Ray
Former Gawker Editor Jessica Coen’s First Day at Vanity Fair Online
Forthcoming Novels Titled with the White-Hot Suffix “-Ist”
Frequently Asked Questions: The Social Security Debate
Freudian Slip
From Ye Drye Cleanner
From the Diary of Out of This World’s Evie Garland
From the Producers of “24”
From “The Amazing E-mail Letters of Dr. Maria Marinario and Dr. Humphrey Ichovitzsky”
Generic 60s Beach Sitcom
Geometry
George Allen Addresses the Modern Language Association’s Annual Conference
Gin Rummy
Gina Gershon and the Persian Subway Plot, or, There Are No Wheat Thins in Tehran
Girl with Pearl Drops Toothpaste
Give Us Treats
Godzilla vs. Godzilla
Goth
Gotham: Four Very Short, Spooky Plays about Monsters at Large in the City
Gross Anatomy
Hallmark Holiday
Harry Potter and the Bitch Ex-Wife
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Meet Prince and the Half-Baked Potter
Harry Potter and the Magic of Puberty
Helmets with Horns Are the Best Kind of Helmet
Henny Youngman’s Lifetime Achievement Award Acceptance Speech
Hey, Shakespeare, Kiss My Ass!
Hey, That’s My C(r)ab!
Highlights from Kurt Vonnegut’s Friar’s Club Roast
Highlights from the 2030 Grammy Awards
Highlights from the Recent Network Upfront Hoopla
Hills Like Stuffed Tigers: Calvin Discovers Hemingway
Home Istan
How I Got Kicked Off the Basketball Team
How It Ended: My Last Four Relationships
How Various Michael J. Fox Roles Would Be Different Had Rush Limbaugh Instead Been Cast
I ♥ the 80s!
I Am Tom Cruise, and I Love Women
I Am a Terrible Person to Cheat on Your Boyfriend With
I Can’t Wait for My Midlife Crisis!
I Do Something Terrible, Liz Removes Her Underwear, & You Start Talking Dirty
I Love Scrushy
I Love You, “I Love the 90s,” but I’m Not in Love with You
I Love the 80s!
I Play a Jaw-Harp
I Sooooo Need an Intern
I Was a Teenage Snarkist
I Was a Virgin Sex Doll
I’m Deeply Sorry
I’m Sorry, What?
I’ve Got Your Memorial Day Sale Right Here!
If Checkpoint Were Based on Conversations I’ve Had with My Grandparents
If I Could Fly or Shoot Lasers from My Eyes
If S.T.D.s Were People, I’d Be China
If the Brill Building Had Instead Housed a Law Firm
If the Neoconservatives Had Been Dentists
If the Republicans Were Making GEICO Commercials
If “I Love the 80s” Were Strictly about My Life
In Response to My Little Sister’s Plea for Assistance on Her History Report—Topic: “The Middle Ages”
In Your Eyes
Infantile Nomenclature
Inspired by Sean Combs, Musicians Rush to Launch Fragrances
Intellectual Property
Internal Memo to the Secret Society
Interview with an Interview with Ann Coulter
Interview with the World’s Oldest Man: Ezekiel Houghton, Age 137
It’s the Great Pumpkin-Patch Farmer, Charlie Brown!
Jake Loves the Eighties
Jesus’ Standup Act
Judy and Jim in Paris
Just Trying to Be the Best Me I Can Possibly Be: Talking Points
Justin Timberlake’s Acceptance Speech for the American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers “Songwriter of the Year” Award
Kafka + 2
Kanye West’s Cronyism
Karl Rove’s Ringside Boasts
Kelley Putty!™ Fun for the Whole Family!
Key Party, N.Y.C., Circa Always
King Arthur: The Syndicated Adventures
Koolbalah
Kurt Cobain’s Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks
Lady, What’s With All The Cats?
Lady, Your Pipes Need Cleaning
LeBron James, from an Interview in the March 2005 Issue of GQ and the King James Bible
Legends of My Fictional Baseball League
Lemmings
Lenny Goldfarb, Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse
Less Overtly Salacious but More Incriminating Republican IM Transcripts
Lesser Known Secrets from Secret Antiperspirant & Deodorant …
Letter from the White House to Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum
Letter of Directions
Letter of Rejection to Dr. Phil
Letter to Failure
Letter to Chris Noth: “Mr. Big,” Detective Logan, and Owner of NYC’s The Cutting Room
Life as a Houseboat
Lifetime: Television For Women Original Movies in Development for Fall/Spring 2006/2007
Liner Notes for The Best of Trevor Seigler: Covers
Lord of the Blogs
Magician Doug Henning Has Something on His Mind
Man-on-the-Street Interviews
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen in: “Mary-Kate & Ashley Turn 18!”
Masters of My Domain: My Vices as Characters from “Seinfeld”
Meet Your Subway Sandwich Artist
Memo Regarding the Viability of Superheroes as Future Presidential Candidates
Memo to Human Resources
Memo to Outgoing Cabinet Members
Memo to the Executives
Misheard Song Lyrics, Schizophrenic Edition
Mistakes I’ve Made …
Moby-Dick: The Whale’s Story
Modern-Day Explorers
Molly Bloom Takes Manhattan
Mom-and-Pop Business Takes an Advertising Cue from Guitar Center
Mootpoint
More Soup, Please
Morrissey Addresses the Graduating High-School Class of 2005
Movie Synopses from the Bonds Saga
Mutant 70s Television Hybrids
My Anti-Depressant Diary
My C-Span Diary: Thursday, July 15, 2004
My Continued Conversation with the Ghost of John Lennon
My Court-Ordered Apology
My Cult Is Having Serious Problems
My Date with Harold Bloom
My Dinner with Bellucci and Bellow
My Evening With CNN
My Huge Head
My Keynote Address for Tonight’s Family Dinner
My Muse Talks Back
My One and Only
My Predictions for Major League Baseball’s Post Season
My Sitcom Pitch to a Guy in the Elevator Who I’m Pretty Sure Was NBC President Jeff Zucker, Despite His Insistence to the Contrary
My Weekend!
My Yard
My Zombie Movie
Nappy Days
Neil Strauss: Updated Notes on The Game for Astronauts
Never Mind the One-Liners
New Adaptations for the Holiday Theatre Season
New Releases This Week
New York Stories
Next Time on “The Surreal Life” …
Niles from “Frasier” Takes Acid on an Overnight Spelunking Trip with Deebo from Friday and Reënacts Plato’s The Cave
No More Fun
No. 9 Dream
Non-Celebrity Gawker Stalker
Non-Chip-Related Letters I’ve Written to Chip Companies
North Korea Furthers Its Demands
Notes Toward a Monograph Entitled “The Secret World of The Honeymooners: A Study in Sexual Perversion”
Notes from Mattel’s “Future of Barbie®” Brainstorming Session
Notes from the Norfolk, Virginia, Substance Abuse Services Providers Fair 2006, Waterside Convention Center
Notes to Hoobastank Street-Teamers for Posting CD Reviews on Amazon.com
Now That I’m an International Jewel Thief
Nueve de Mayo
Nunnery vs. Cathouse
Old-Timey Sales Pitch
Omit Needless Words
On Dagobah Pond
On Playing Laser Tag with Joan Didion
On Values and Other Positions
One Amateur Writer’s In-Depth Analysis Of A First Grader’s Creative Writing Exercise
One-Sentence Stories
Onstage Play-by-Play: Oklahoma!
Open Mike
Ordering Fast Food in the Age of the Statistically Challenged
Other Overwrought Acceptance Speeches
Our Disastrous Brunch
Out of the Blue
Outgoing!
Overheard in the Brainstorming Meeting for the Sequel to Million Dollar Baby
Paul Stanley Summarizes The Tragedies of William Shakespeare During Between-Song Banter from the 1977-78 KISS Alive II Tour
Pay the Rent: A Solo Play Exploring Gender Politics
Pee/Bee
Pen Pals
Pep Talk
Phil Keoghan Shakes Things Up at the Mat
Phone Call Informing the New Nobel Prize Winner in Physics of His Award, Shortly after He’s Had a Breakdown and Reverted to a Childlike State, as KISS Alive Plays in the Background
Pitching to Cousin Graydon
Please Be Allowing Me to Tell You About My Kiosk, Which Sells ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic Caftans, Kilts, and Yarmulkes!
Poetry in Pastrami: The Carnegie Deli Goes Lit
Poker
Political Posturing
Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms: An Occasional Series: Tom Waits for No Man
Porn sans Sex
Postcards from My Bed
Postmodern Irony Final Exam
Powerful Stories Made Impotent by the Introduction of Cellphones
Premières You May Have Missed
Prenatal Hoop Dreams
Prepping for My First Out-of-Body Experience
Press Secretary Scott McClellan Addresses a First-Grade Junior Achievement Class
Profiles from Don’tDowryHimGirl.com
Questions for Discussion
Random Selections from the ‘H’ Volume of the Encyclopedia
Random Selections from the ‘U’ Volume of the Encyclopedia
Raskolnikov Meets Dr. Phil
Re: Why Girls Can’t Drive
Real Lab Notes
Reasons Why a Bridge over Troubled Water Would Not Necessarily Ease My Mind
Reasons Why the Female Characters in Certain Male-Written Fiction Are Not Like Actual Women at All
Recently Returned Letters to Santa
Reference Letter to the Board of Directors
Regarding My Teenaged Affair with Paula Abdul
Rejected Letters to Penthouse Forum
Rejected Pitches for NBC’s Three Wishes: Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Division
Remember Our Fallen Heroes
Reminiscing
Resignation Letter from an Organ Grinder’s Monkey
Reviews by a Stupid, Bitter Asshole Who Just Got Fired and Hit the Bottle, Thereby Causing His Wife to Leave Him, Thus Forcing Him to Redouble His Drinking
Reviews for Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint that I Started to Write before Realizing I Was Thinking of Something Else
Rock Stars Enjoying Anonymity
Rock, Paper, Scissors Redux
Rockin’ In Iraq
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Not Dead (They Are Hiding)
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Still Not Dead (They’re Just Playing Hide and Seek)
Sad Face/Happy Face
Samuel Pepys Visits the Wisconsin Dells
Sarah Vowell Comments on Our Imagined Liaison
Scenes from “C.S.I.: Podunk”
Scenes from Next Week’s Episode of “Potato, Come Home!”
Scientific Study Finds That Chickens Think about the Future
Season’s Greetings
Selected Letters from Peter Cook’s Correspondence with Dudley Moore, 1967-1995
Self-Justification
Sem Ordnilap Ytir Belec: Celebrity Palindromes
Sexyin’ Up the Classics
Short Introduction I Have Planned for When I Get to Break Ground on the New Wing on the Children’ Hospital in My Town
Similes
Slippery Pete’s Port o’ Call
Sneak Preview: Merchant-Ivory’s Hostel
Some Editorial Changes
Some Failed Parodies of Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint
Some Sequels to Famous Books Written by the Original Authors’ Offspring
Some of Hollywood’s Greatest Surprise Endings Revealed and Synopsized
Sometimes, at Work, I Feel Like Maybe I’m Being Singled Out …
Sorry, But I Just Can’t Marry a Woman That Doesn’t Look Hot on the JumboTron
Spatial Relationships
Sports Origins
Stats for the Neal Pollack
Sticky Situation
Summer Youth Reading List
Super Producer Rick Rubin Mulls His Next Move
Superman Ain’t Shit
Teenage Jesus
Temping in Vatican City
Tequiza Makes Me Tequeasy
Teri Hatcher Wants John Bolton to Know That She Once Suffered a Career Slump, Too
Tetherball with Grandma
Thank You for Being So Understanding about That Partial Prefrontal Lobotomy
Thank You for Taking Me to See Your Friend’s Band
That One Time I (an American) Called England (a Country in Europe)
The 10-Spot
The 2005 Associated Press Stylebook Supplement for the Liberal Media
The Rolling Stone Interview with George W. Bush, Part I, by Kurt Loder
The Absent Adults of Childhood Favorites Speak
The Adams Family: My Ill Fated Attempt at Writing a Tell-All Biography about the Adams Dynasty without Doing Any Actual Research
The Adventures of Dr. Squat: “Aunt Linda, You’re a Pig”
The Adventures of Dr. Squat: “I Am Still the Eggman”
The Alcoholic Beverages of Planet Earth
The Amazing Adventure of Michael Chabon and the Golem
The Annual Holiday Newsletter from the Guy Who Does the Voiceover for NBC Primetime TV Previews
The Ant Watcher’s Handbook that Came Free with My Uncle Milton’s Ant Farm, as Reïmagined Using Other Famous Uncles
The Ausherman Stories
The Author of the Universe
The Black List: Funny for Nothing and We’re Dicks for Free
The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!
The Case of the London Terrorists
The Da Vinci Bandwagon
The Day I Interviewed Lloyd Dobler
The Diary of One of the Baseball Cartoons on the Playstation PSP Commercial For EA Sports’ “MLB’06” After Attending Opening Day At Yankee Stadium
The Disney Princesses Talk About Chlamydia
The Drug Diaries of Oscar Hammerstein II
The Elephant and I
The Enemy Within
The Global Male
The Good News
The Gradual Decline of the “I Love the … ” Sidebars
The Great Gob in the Sky
The Human Campaign
The Humor from China
The Iceman You Didn’t Hear About
The Lost Letters of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr
The MLAB Preview 2006: The Scouting Report from the Major League of Anabolic Baseball
The Magician’s Assistant
The Metamorphosis
The Most Excellent () and Lamentable () Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet, Told Entirely in Emoticons
The New New York Times Book Review: This Isn’t Your Father’s New York Times Book Review!
The New Harry Potter Book, as Dictated by My Boss, Brian Schmutto
The Night of Standup Comedy I Recently Saw, Reduced to Its Logical Abstractions, as per Freud’s Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious
The Nine Lives of Chester the Cat
The Norman Rockwell–Axl Rose Correspondence
The Nose
The Old Lady Screamed
The Paris Film: Director’s Commentary
The Passion of the Führer
The People Recommend
The Persistance of Memory
The Pope and the Lawyer: What Befell Them upon Entering Heaven
The Recently Recovered Love Letters of Vincent van Gogh
The Rules
The Semi-Private Thoughts of Connie Chung
The Sheldon Prison Experiment
The Songwriter
The Speechwriter
The Stanton Family Christmas Newsletter
The Tonight Symposium
The Tragedy of Two Bills
The Travis Diaries
The Trials and Tribluation of Doug Clifton, Ghost Whisperer
The U.S.A. Patriot Act … (The Fine Print)
The Warning Label I Recently Neglected to Read
The Weatherman’s Weekend Forecast
The Worst Harvard Alumna
Theatrical Terms and Trivia
There’s Nothing Worse Than a Drunk Wookie
Things My Nana Levenstein Taught Me about Love
Three Quick Ones
Three Short Stories
Timeless Stories of Love for Valentine’s Day
To the Chap Who Finds This Bottled-Enclosed Message
To the Pirates, from the Cowboys
Tonight … and Beyond!
Trapped in Malcolm Gladwell’s Hair
Truth Is Beauty
Trying to Explain the Easter Bunny to My Orthodox Jewish Girlfriend
Unacceptable
United States’ Puppet States and Their Respective Leaders
Unlikely Pen Pals: Penny Dobson, Seventh-Grader from Suburban New Jersey circa 1985, and Vladimir Tarkovsky, Inmate of a Siberian Gulag circa 1952
Unspoken Word Performance
VH1 Acquires Michael Ian Black
VH1’s “I Love Christopher Monks’s Labor Day Weekend 1986”
Various Restaurant Menus Explain Themselves
Venice
Victory Speech by the Leader of the Moderate, Pro-Choice, Anti-War, Environmentalist Undecided Voters of Cuyahoga County, Ohio, for Bush
Waiting Room
Waxing Off: Thank You for Being a Friend
We’d Like to Pre-Board
Wedding Jitters
Welcome to the Machine
What Are We Doing for Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals?
What Are We Doing with Our Pucks?
What Are We Giving Trick-or-Treaters at Our Doorstep?
What It’s Like to Have Sex with Me
What Truffaut Taught Me
What Would Sammy Do?
What You Can Do with This Story
What a Rick Steves Travel Guide to Venice Would Look Like if Rick Steves Were Severely Agoraphobic
What’s on the News Tonight?
When Yakov Smirnoff Was King
When You Die—Ten Scenarios
When You Said, “Insensitive Prick,” Were You Talking to Me?
Where God Lies
Who Has the Bigger : Democratic Nominee John Kerry or President George W. Bush?
Who’s the Pop Diva Queen Now, Bitch?
Why Ari Really Quit
Why Do People Keep Telling Me I’m Racist and Stupid?
Why Girls Can’t Drive
Why I Will Never Win the Nobel Peace Prize
Why I’ll Never Be Admitted to the New York State Bar Association
Why I’ll Never Be Featured at the Cannes Film Festival
Why I’ll Never Be Granted a Home Equity Loan
Why I’ll Never Be Published in The New Yorker
Why This Broken Finger Sucks/Doesn’t Suck
Why Won’t Anybody Touch Me in My Special Place?
Will Leitch and Eric Gillin Use Instant Messenger to Defuse a Bomb
Winnie-the-Pooh and the Thug Life
Wittgenstein: The Crank Calls
Wonka’ed
Woody’s Sketches for His Next Four Pictures
Yeah, Right—“Wardrobe Failure.” I’m Sure.
You Are Cordially Invited …
You Call That Celebrity Prostitution?
You’re Firing Me?
You’re Invited to the Big Wood Annual Memorial BBQ Bash. . !
Your First Time
Your Future in the Stars: Introducing the Department of Homeland Astrology
Zach de la Rocha Performs the Preschool Poetry Slam Circuit
Zakk Wylde for the Weather Channel
crapbooking!
‘And Another Thing about Bush 43’ by Maureen Dowd
“Dear John” Letter from Oprah’s Dog

Fruit Salad
A Star Is Born
A Time to Laugh, a Time to Cry
And on that Note, Let’s Cue the Music …
And the Beat Goes On
Appeal to the U.S. Government
Ask Not for Whom the Bell Tolls …
Begin the Begin
Cheese, Glorious Cheese
Correspondence
Critics, Shmritics
Dust in the Wind
Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza
I Am Going to Die Alone
Inside the Actor’s Studio
It Will Always Be Burma to Me
Letter of Resignation
Monday Morning Lament
Only Time
Out of My Cold, Dead Hands
Perhaps There Is Life on This Planet
Results
The Real World Awaits
The Succulent Cantaloupe
Those Were the Salad Days, although These Are Good, Too
Today I Play Hooky
Untitled
Untitled Again
Untitled Post
You Cannot Love All the People All the Time
You Like Me, You Really Like

How To
12 Easy Steps to a Better You
Gygantopithecus Blackus, or, The Hunt for “Big Al”
A Field Guide to Selected Western Artists
A Style Guide for Blog Parodists
AAA Gas-Saving Tips: Updated for the Coming Oil Apocalypse
An Excerpt from Bill O’Reilly’s Upcoming Book, How to Have Hot Sex Using a Falafel: For Kids
Are You Lonesome Tonight?
Ars Short Storica: A Guide for Aspiring Writers of Short Fiction
Catamount Encounters: Tips on Avoiding Trouble and Defending Yourself in an Attack
Does Your Child Have A.D.H.D.?
Elaborate and Highly Ineffective Ways to Kill Yourself at Work
Good Writing
Help! Am I Stuck in a Creedence Clearwater Revival Song? — A Survival Guide
How I Quit Smoking
How to Conduct a Sincere Discussion Group on Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint with a Disruptive Norwegian Forest Cat on the Premises
How to Fix Your Canon Copier
How to Get Rid of a Body Using Ordinary Household Objects
How to Get a Boyfriend, as Explained to Me by My 11-Year-Old Sister
How to Get a New York City Straphanger to Bankroll Your Alternative Lifestyle
How to Make the Most of This Desert Island Experience
How to Protest the Republican National Convention without Giving Up Your Last Weekend at Your Friend’s Timeshare on Fire Island
How to Wear Battle Dress
How to Win at Cards
How to Write Gouda
How to Write a Book
Lo! Bread of Affliction: How to Flirt with a Guest at the Seder
Money-Making Secrets—Revealed!!!
Op-Ed Recipe
Quiz: Are You Curious?
Ransom-Note Writing Tips
Sally’s Guide to Cleansing Your Corporate Soul
Select Passages from The International Guide for Metric Conversion
Selected Tips from Emily Post’s Etiquette for Ukrainian Dinner Parties
Signs That Internet Dating Is Not Going Well for You
Strategy Guide for Capcom’s Lit Fighter II: The Word Warriors
Stunk ’n’ White: New ’n’ Improved!!!
Test Your Sexist, Ageist, and Racist Tendencies
That’s Not How You Shave a Bear
The Shard Phenomenon and Its Potential Application as a Come-On
Tighter Abs in Six Weeks
Urban Dance
What’s Attacking You?
Writing Good
Writing Goodly
Writing Well
Your Desk Is a Wonderland

Illustration
Abu Ghraib
Alas, Poor Jeeves
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy SquarePants
Cheese Nos. 1 — 7
Cold Turkey
Last of the Famous International Playboys
Mint on a Pillow
R.I.P., Nipsey Russell
Self-Portrait (Left Ear)
Transmogrified Papa
al Rojo, del Azul

Interviews
Daniel Robert Epstein, Suicide Girls

Interviews with Interviewers
A. J. Daulerio, The Black Table
Andrew Krucoff, Gothamist
Claire Zulkey, Zulkey.com
Daniel Robert Epstein, Suicide Girls
James Lipton (Almost), “Inside the Actors’ Studio”
Robert Birnbaum, Identity Theory
Suzanne Yeagley, McSweeney’s

Letter from the Editors
The New York Post-Times
Arrrrrtwork
Attn: N.Y.C.-Area Actors
Coming Soon(-ish)
Dowd, Untouchable Mutant
E-mail: liberties@nytimes.com
J.S.F., Loud & Close
May We Use Your Loo?
R.I.P., H.S.T.
Selected Words and Phrases from William Safire’s “On Words” Column That Reveal a Libertine Heart Beating within the Conservative Wordsmith’s Bosom
The Complete Radar
Three Concerns about This Caption
Transmogrify This
We’ve Already Got a Two-Year Subscription, Thank You
Who Wants to Watch “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”
Will Pimp for Props
Y.P.R. 3.0

Letters (from)
A Scientific Proposal to the Executive Program Directors of the ABC, CBS, FOX, and NBC Networks
Dear N.Y.T.B.R. Pt. II
Dear N.Y.T.B.R. Pt. III
Dear N.Y.T.B.R. Pt. IV
Dear N.Y.T.B.R. Pt. V
Dear N.Y.T.B.R., Pt. I
Dear AOL
Dear Christina Aguilera
Dear Coca-Cola
Dear Dairy Barn
Dear Dr. Zizmor
Dear Food Network
Dear Froot Loops
Dear Fruit Loops
Dear Game Show Network
Dear HBO
Dear Heinz Ketchup, Pt. II
Dear Honorary Mayor of Hollywood
Dear KTU
Dear Lesotho
Dear M&M;’s
Dear Maxell
Dear Neal Pollack
Dear Nesquik
Dear Outback Steakhouse
Dear Oxford
Dear Regal Cinemas
Dear Sally Field’s Agent
Dear Sam Raimi
Dear Sandra Bernhard
Dear Secretary of Transportation
Dear Sierra Mist
Dear Spam
Dear Spike Lee
Dear Starbucks
Dear VH1
Dear Wikipedia
Dear the Gap
Eat, Shoot, & Leave This!: Dear Lynne Truss
Letter to Chris Noth: Mr. Big, Detective Logan, and Owner of N.Y.C.’s Cutting Room
Selling Myself, Installment I
Selling Myself, Installment II

Listicles
“Easter? I Hardly Know Her!”
13 Things You Can Do with That
A Typical Day for Sagat from Street Fighter
Around the World
Bruce Vilanche’s To-Do List
Cause Célèbre
Corollaries to Godwin’s Law
Eleven Scenes that Help Explain Why They Pulled the Plug on M. Night Shyamalan’s Cinematic Adaptation of Life of Pi
Faster than a Speeding Bullet
Four Fours
George Washington’s To-Do List, July 4, 1776
Having Felled Gore Vidal with a Punch, Only to Hear the Line “Words Fail Norman Mailer, Yet Again,” Mr. Mailer Can Only Come Up with Answers in the Car, on the Way Home
If Mice Could Speak
Intimidation Strategies to Be Avoided in a Street Fight
J.F.K. & J.F.K.
Kool-Aid Flavors of the Go-Go 90s That Never Quite Made It
L’Chiam!
Let’s Go France!
Literary Terms Derived Not from the Greek, but From The Brady Bunch
Louis XIV’s To-Do List
More New TV Shows Premièring This Week
Nice Things to Say to Chris Columbus after Seeing Rent
Not Suitable for All Ages
Numerous Events That Should Be Included in the Film Adaptation of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in Order to Widen Its Urban Appeal
Possible Names for My Rock Band
Potty Humor
Sem Ordnilap Ytir Belec: Celebrity Palindromes
Some Good Possible Names for an Emo Band, Inspired by the 1986 Motion Picture Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Some Ground Rules I Gave 50 Cent and G-Unit before They Played My Daughter’s Bat Mitzvah
Strip This!
Stuff that Sounds like Porn
Subtle Changes to the Titles of Children’s Shows That Would Require Drastic Changes in Program Content
Suggested Names for Racehorses Expected to Have Undistinguished Careers
Ten 10s
Terms of Endearment
The Ten Most World-Famous Belgians in the World
Things You May Exclaim After Tumbling Down a Flight of Stairs That Turn Out to Be Made Entirely of Funnel Cake
Those from Whom No Guff Will Be Brooked
Upcoming Titles from Y.P.R. Books: Erotica
Upcoming Titles from Y.P.R. Books: Self-Help
Upcoming Titles from Y.P.R. Books: Travel
What I Could Have Done to that Jerk Who Asked Me “Hey You Know Karate?” Had I Actually Known Karate
What’s in My Oscar Goodie Bag?
¡Don’t Want No Mexican Radio!
¡How We’re Celebrating Cinco de Mayo!
¿What Are We Doing with Our Empty Corona Bottles?
“Social Studies,” if You Know What I Mean

Logo
“1 x 10¹⁰⁰”
“1.21 Jiggawatts”
“Béseme Mucho”
“Achoo!”
“Adult Swimming”
“Aldous Huxley”
“Arbuckle”
“Baby, It’s Cold Outside”
“Beatlesque”
“Blue Ribbon”
“Bundy”
“Bunny”
“Clown”
“Double Word Score”
“E. Tilly”
“Episode I”
“Fear and Logo”
“Gawking”
“Gojira”
“Gray Lady”
“Hey, Hey, It’s Y.P.R.”
“Hostel”
“If This Schoolhouse’s A-Rockin’”
“It’s Good to Be the King”
“Justice for None”
“Kilgore Trout”
“Kitsch”
“Konisberg”
“L’Chiam!”
“Lucasfilm”
“McSwys”
“Me Decade”
“Mogwai”
“Mudblood”
“Musicless Television”
“My Bloody Valentine”
“Naughty Bits”
“Nevermore”
“Nickelodeon”
“Nipper”
“OK!”
“OMFUG”
“Palahniuk”
“Peanuts”
“Pez”
“Playbill”
“Portzebie”
“Post This!”
“Potent Potable”
“Prehistoric Logo”
“Puma”
“R + J”
“R.I.P., Radar”
“Rent”
“Rising Sun”
“Rolling Stone”
“Scrawl”
“Shine”
“Sixth Sense”
“Snakes on a Logo”
“Snicker”
“Standard Logo”
“Standard Logo”
“Stately Wayne Manor”
“Subway”
“Subway”
“The Passion of the Pot Roast”
“This Is Y.P.R.”
“Time”
“Tommy”
“Truffle Shuffle”
“Video Kills the Radio Star”
“Walt’s Own Hand”
“Watterson”
“We’ve Got Mail”
“Wonka”
“Y.P.R. Makes Mistakes”
“Yippee-Kai-Yay”
Broken Hearts
Broken Type
Brought to You by PepsiCo
Diarrhea, Cha Cha Cha
Duct Tape
Flickr Pictures
Here’s a Logo
Hoffnungslose Hausfrau
Indelible
Last Will
NASA Worm
Neither Bought, Sold, nor Processed
R.I.P., Black Table
Results
Scorching V.D.
Scribbly
Sweethearts
Thank You, Come Again
The Real Thing

Main
Bea Arthur, Booze, Hilarity … August 28th Is Gonna Rock!

Media Gadflies
Middle East Gawker
La Caída Pequeña, La Elevación Grande
whatfore (dot org)
Timothy McSweeney’s Pretentious Horseshit
Dear New York Times Book Review
I ♥ “I Love the [X]0s”
Shelley Jackson’s Skin Project
Smuggled Goods
The Black Table Roast
The Choire Sicha Roast
The Neal Pollack Roast

New & Noteworthy
Cracked Baby
Dos de Mayo—Seis de Mayo
Out for Justice

Aaron Burr and Dick Cheney
And the Winner Is …
Ankommend!
Belabor Day
Better Buy a Bea. They’re Buttah!
Bringing You the Best New Music of 1982
Calling All Catamounts
Crafty Like a Fox
Does the Appropriation by Target of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” Disquiet You?
Elsewhere
Everlasting Gobstopper
Exceedingly Cagey and Awfully Precocious
Following the Trail Blazed by Margaret Truman
Get Yr Blink On.
Gutenberg? Spinning In His Grave
Hear Ye, Hear Ye!
Hidden Affikomen
Instantly Karmic
Kindling
Last Christmas, I Gave You My Heart
Listen:
Make That “Borrow”
More Graydonesque Haha
Muggles, Mudbloods, & Morons
Music for the Masses
Opium.Weekend
Potty Cam
Prediction: 17 Posts and He’s Outta There
Pussyknickers!
Read to the Death
Rosh Hashanah Head Rush
Ruined Music
Sally Forth
Send the Kids to the Neighbors and Lock the Doors!
Street Meats, It’s the Meats of the Streets
Tangential Stupidity
The Alarmist’s Reference Book of Miserable Maladies That Are Possibly Infecting Your Body at This Very Moment
The Puck Stops Here
The Way We Live Now
The Y.P.R. Mass Communiqué
This Is the Week That Is
This Isn’t Working
This Monday—A Very Special Evening Full of Fright, Bea, and Literary Buffoonery
This Will Be The Week That Will Be
Valentine’s Day Massacre
Video Killed The Y.P.R. Star
Welcome to the Dog Days
What Real Salads Are Made Of
Y.P.R Is Kind of Crazy with a Spooky Little Reader Like You
Y.P.R. 3.1
Y.P.R. Print Update
¡Flashback de Mayo!

Nick's Guff
A Knick Fan Laments
Advertise Here
Aileen Gallagher Up in the Guff Spot
Aussie Love
Dear Hip-Hop
E-mail to G-d
Funniest E-Mail of the Century
Hasselhoff: A Retrospective
Hot Times, Summer in My Pants
I Almost Googled My Life Away
Nick v. The Donald
Purple Pants
R.I.P., Nipsey Russell
Something Nice for Memorial Day, sans Cheap Laughs
Springtime in the Ghetto
Truce with Hip-Hop
Unintentionally Bitch Slapped Into Reality By Big Head Caps
Vampires Suck On Broadway. Truly.
Wedding Weekend … Sha La La La
What’s Goin’ Down in the Boogie
XL
[Nick Owes Geoff $5]

Non-Fiction
“B.L.T.”: A Review
“I Do”
.edu: An Exchange with My Alma Mater
A Brief, Reasoned Argument to Counteract the Two-Second Judgment You’ve Made to Buy Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink: the Power of Thinking without Thinking
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
A Quick Roast, Pt. I
A Quick Roast, Pt. II
A Reason to Party
A Salute to Some Things Irish
A Very Short Roast
A.I. Wanna Rock and Roll All Nite
Aileen Gallagher Up in the Guff Spot
At Last, Respect: Rodney Dangerfield, 1921-2004
Believe the Hype? The Black Table
Cautionary Tales for Teens
Choire Destroyed My Art Career
Choire Sicha Is Not Who You Think He Is
Choire Sicha, Literary Critic
Commands My Dog Hasn’t Yet Learned
Complete List of Nominees
Deadeye Dicks
Dear Nipsey
Edible Television
Five Disquieting Modern Trends
Gimme a Half-Caff Soy Triple Latté (No Foam) and the Unagi/Torigai Special: In Defense of the Green Mountain State
Good Times, Bad Times
Great Moments in Pantyhose Jurisprudence
Hawaii Diarii: Kauai
Hollywood Interruption
How You Say, “Michel”?
Human Brain and Animal Brain, Analogous? No!: A Keen Example of Objective Scientific Argument by Professor Pierre Dugelay, Ph.D., Philosophy and Cultural Studies, Translation to English Permitted for Higher Education Purposes Only
I Could Simonize My Car
I Hate “I Love the 90s”
I Love “I Love the 70s,” “I Love the 80s,” “I Love the 90s,” and “I Love the 80s Strikes Back”
I Love … Part II
I Love … Pt. III
I Love … Pt. IV
I’m Totally into American Idol
If I Had a Million Dolalrs
Inner Monologue from This Morning’s Subway Commute
Inner Monologue from This Morning’s Subway Commute
K.B.N. on Bridesmaids
K.B.N. on Engagement Rings
Lessons Learned from HBO
Mr. Wolinetz Goes to Houston: Geoff’s Wacky Super Bowl XXXVIII Adventure
My Laundromat picks
My Site Meter’s Best Friend
Neal Pollack: The Most Important Artist of Our Time
Obituaries
Pop Quiz & Why You Should Be Friends with Me
Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms: An Occasional Series
Random Thoughts while Watching the “I Love the…” Series on VH1
Re: Spicy Latinas Want to Taste Your Big Burrito
Reader’s Block
Requiem for the Gay Divorcé: Tony Randall, 1920-2004
Some Replies to “Where’d Ya Get That Shiner?”
Some Things You Ought to Have Mentioned before You Brought Me, Your Irish-Catholic Boyfriend, to Meet Your Parents at My First Seder Ever with Your Orthodox Family
St. Pat’s Facts
Ten Things You Used to Be Able to Get Away With in Grade School but You Probably Can’t Get Away With at Work
Thank-You Notes to America
The Black Table: I Only Know Them for Networking Reasons
The DeVito Code
The Nature of the Carolina Ghost Crab
The Roastee Responds
The Skin Project
The Week in Craig
Things I Can’t Believe Happened (March 2003)
Things I Say to Various Loved Ones, Coworkers, and Strangers When My Aunt Flo Visits
Things I’ve Learned from the Internet
Things You Can Accomplish before Conan Takes Over “The Tonight Show” in 2009
Time Is on My Side; No, It’s on My Side
Top 10 Things That Sucked about My Day (In No Particular Order)
Two Real Case Studies in Snap Judgment Involving My Parents
UPN or Made Up?
Useful Phrases for the American in Paris
Vaguely Valentines
Was the Pope Polish?: John Paul II, 1920-2005
What I Hope to Find in Heaven
What I Hope to Find in Hell
Why Dogs Don’t Conduct Polls
Will Wet Nurse Never Cease?
Will the Real Alvy Singer Please Stand Up (Please Stand Up)?
Zello, Dolly!, or, Three Big Boobs
“Rectum? I Damn Near Killed ’Em!”

One-Question Interviews
Andrei Codrescu, exquisite corpse
Andrew Sean Greer, planetary pathfinder
Andrew Vachss, creative factory
Dan Kennedy, small-talking memoirist
Danny Gregory, watercolor journalist
David Rees, clip-artist
Dennis DiClaudio, pathological worrywart
Hal Sparks, funny person
J. T. LeRoy, young Turk
Jonathan Ames, randy writer
Malcolm Gladwell, quick thinker
Marc Maron, funny person
Neal Pollack, supercharged satirist
Ned Vizzini, chill squipster
Patton Oswalt, funny person
Sam Lipsyte, distinguished alumnus
Sasha Frere-Jones, music critic
Stephen Elliott, lover of the electoral process
Todd Barry, funny person
Tom Perrotta, novelist

Photography
Deer Dents
Pabst for Pulitzer
The Skin Project
The Land of the Ice and Snow
The Pied Piper of Harvard Ave.

Photomontage
Avenging Angel
Boom! The Black Table
Cartoons for Grown-Ups
Cassius Karl
Double Wink
GEICOld Party
Gene S1mm0ns
Grovada + Charlie
He Buried Paul
Mr. & Mrs. Pollack
SaRaH VoWeLL
Spelunking with Niles and Deebo
Three-legged Man O’ War

Poetry & Lyric
Aardvarks Like Root Beer: Nine Poems
All About Me: 12 Poems
An Assortment of Love Poems Written with the Assistance of a Pamphlet Entitled “How 2 Write Love Poems That Don’t Suck” Distributed by Delias.com, a Clothing Company That Caters to Pre-Teen Girls
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy SquarePants
Brecht & Weill’s Annie
Cha Cha Cha
Crappy Oscar Song that Is Not Clever but Shoots for Cheap Laughs Based on Recognition of Pop Melodies and the Juxtaposition of Movie Titles
Diamond Dave’s Sestina
Edgar Allen Poe Tells “The Aristocrats”
Excerpts from T.S. Eliot’s First Draft of The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock Written While He Was Deliriously Hungry
Friday Morning Lament
Frosty’s Lament
Hey, Poetry!: 10 Poems
I Sound My Chlorophyll Yawp
I’m a Red Hot Chili Pepper!
It’s All about the Sacagaweas
Jay-Z’s “Do Re Mi”
Koufax! The Musical
Lyrics to “Boléro”
More Valentine Affairs of the Famous, as Revealed by Their Love Sonnets
Mother Goose Talks … Things
Pimpin’ Like a Pirate
Poetic License
Poets’ Ghosts at Giants Games
Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms: An Occasional Series: Eminem at the Ambient Hotel
Response to E-Mail from a Princess
Rowling’s Spawn*
Ten Tiny Poems
The Other 45* Ways to Leave Your Lover
The Recently Discovered “Erotick Poetry” of Daniel Chelly-Ladbourne
The Rubaiyat of Felix Dennis: Awful Poetry by the Maxim Publisher
The Unspoken Vasquez: James Cameron’s Aliens, First Folio
The Wrong Man’s Burden
Two Romantic Poems
Vaguely Valentines
Valentine Affairs of the Famous, as Revealed by Their Love Sonnets
William Shakespeare’s “Serpents Upon a Wingèd Vessel”
William Shakespeare, da Bard
‘My Poem’ by Karl Malone
“American Pie”—A Fresh Slice

Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms
Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms: An Occasional Series
Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms: An Occasional Series: Eminem at the Ambient Hotel
Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms: An Occasional Series: Tom Waits for No Man
The White Stripes at the Hotel Yorba

Shreek of the Week of the Day
Partout Que Je Ne Suis Pas
Abre los Ojos
Call for Shreek Writers!
Church of the Musical Cluster F*CK
Come On Down and Wear Your Influences on Your Sleeve
Culture Club, Not just a bad 80’s bar
Damn, That’s Hott
Dear Diary… You Stink
Do I Smell Something Burning?
Do You Hear Me? Do You Care?
Doctor… WHOOP, WHOOP… Detroit
Don’t Let the Door Hit you in the ass on the way out, Duffy!
Don’t Turn Around
Doot Doot…. Doody!
Enough with the Promises Already
Everybody’s Just Like You
Fascinating, That Fascination Is
Father Wears His Sunday Best
Fear Not, Shreeks Aren’t Dead, They’re … Resting
Full of Strange Arrangements
Hale and Hearty
He Wrote the Book Which Makes Him … Well … Awesome
How Looooooooong?
I Don’t Wanna Hear That Song No More
I Wanna Be Kinetic and I Want A Webshooter Too!
I’ll Do Whatever I Damned Well Please
It’s Electric!
Leave the TV and the Radio Behind
Like a Pigeon from Hell
Love. Sweet!
Major Tom, Shootin’ Star
Mesh & Lace
Monkey Shock
Next Time, Maybe I’ll Knock
No Whammies, No Whammies, No Whammies, STOP!
Nothing Changes on New Year’s Day
Now That’s Some Scary Shit
Once There Was a Day
Poetry in Motion
Poor Old Johnny Ray
Really, Who Doesn’t Like Balloons?
Scooby Dooby Kajagoogoo
See Me a Big Woman
She’s Gone Electric
Slow, Slow, Quick, Quick, Slow
Smell Like I Sound
So? So, let’s dance!
Swear? You Shouldn’t Swear, Young Man.
Talk²
Tears for Fears… and Good Charlotte’s Relevance
That Crazy Casbah Sound
That’s An Excellent Question. Let Me Get Back To You.
The Other Side of Yuck
The Sad Clown of Death Sings
This Generation Rules the Nation
Tomato and Black-Capped Chickadees Love
Top 40 Castoff from a Record Stand
We’re Gonna Rock Down to Psychosis
Well, I Thought You’d Never Ask!
Wolfman Taps … Or Something
You’ll Always Be A Part of Me

The Methicist
Dealing with Dealers
Donor Secrecy
Gorp

Vermont Girl
Fairlee
Putney
Stowe
Swanton
Weathersfield
Woodstock

What's Up with That?
The Matrix Reloaded
Ari and Aaron Exit Stage Right
Boneless Spare Ribs
Buffy’s and Dawson’s Farewells
Swiffer

Y.P.R.
©, Etc.
A Recipe for Yankee Pot Roast
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