The Transgendered Philosopher

Michael ‘Miqqi Alicia’ Gilbert,
Department of Philosophy, York University, Toronto, Canada

Abstract

Contemporary gender theorists have applied social construction theory to the binary gender system, and argue that the very division of the world into two distinct genders correlated to two distinct sexes is an artifact of social practice and political institutions and can and ought to be modified. Notable thinkers such as Judith Butler and Marjorie Garber view the gender rule breakers as the very proof that gender is a variable and not a constant, that one can change one’s gender, construct one’s sex, or maintain a status not directly identifiable as one or the other classic gender. Most of the discussions on this subject have focused on two main groups. The first are transsexuals who move entirely from one gender/sex locus to the other, and the second are drag queens and kings who, by and large, identify as their birth-designated sex, but who play at or perform at the opposite gender. More or less lost in this formula is the run-of-the-mill cross dresser who periodically adorns himself in women’s clothes and participates in activities ranging from hiding timidly in a drapes-drawn home to marching boldly into public shops and restaurants.
  

The Committed Cross Dresser

The Transgender Continuum

Terminology plays a large role in the life of the transgender community. The community itself is created and manifested through its terminological identification. In the first instance, being identified by the institutional powers that apply labels signifies immediate deviance. The normal is never labeled, only variations from the norm are labeled. Like smells, one says nothing when there is "no smell," but remarks when there is a smell. Do you smell something? Of course, we always smell something, but we usually smell that which is unnoticed, and, so, unlabelled as "bad smell" or "good smell;" that which remain unlabeled is the norm. Since labels come from outside and, therefore, have significant political, medical, social force, and since it involves one's personal identification as well as one's place within the broader transgender community, the correctness, the fit of the label, can be quite significant.

It is worth noting a very common phenomenon that invariably follows external labeling in our contemporary society: The discussion and appropriation of the label by the signified group. By this I mean that the signified group begins a discourse about the appropriate label, and the identification of to whom the label rightly applies. These two are intertwined insofar the properly organized group is the licensed body for the legitimation of the label. The obvious racial example of the movement from Negro to black to African-American stands out, and closer to home is the virtual overnight move from hermaphrodite to intersexed. Now the most profound point about the process of signification is that while it is led by the most politicized component of the identified group, there is never any question of accepting the labeling process in the first instance. In accepting that one has to choose between a preference for black or African-American, one is ipso facto, accepting that is deviant, separated from the norm, and, therefore, in need of identification. The identified group is so identified solely in order that it can be an object of discourse. We do not talk about non-existent smells.

Given the emphatic nature of the binary gender system it is hardly surprising that those who violate its canons have been identified and stigmatized. Form the outset there were two basic terms - Transvestite and Transsexual - which were meant to cover the entire range of the gender variant population. More recently finer classifications have been made that signal the status of an individual within a group. There are pre- post- and non-op transsexuals, transgenderists, butches, femmes, and on and on. Within the community there are frequently heated debates about who belongs to which group, who has rights to which title, who is genuine, who wannabes. Imagine a highly marginalized group going to all this trouble in order to do the work of the social institutions that are doing the marginalizing. The term 'transgender' arose within this morass as an indicator of membership within one or another of the groups who are identified on the basis of gender deviance. In-fighting continues on this battlefield as well. While the term and its vague ideology were initially embraced, it did not take long for dissatisfaction to surface. A lack of clarity with the term, its wide usage, and, most importantly, a refusal of the classification 'transgendered' considered as a denigration of legitimate gender membership by those who saw themselves not as trans-anything, but as initially mis-identified.

Given all this, the question of, just what do I mean by 'transgendered,' is important, and I can guarantee in advance that whatever I come up with will be contested and will make some groups, sub-groups or individuals unhappy. I do think the term is meaningful and, more, important. I also tend to be somewhat opportunistic about my definition - the larger the signified group, the more potential political clout it has; there is strength in numbers. I also intentionally use a simple definition that captures a wide group without wasting effort on clinical notions. So, my simple definition of transgendered is as follows.

'Transgendered' applied to an individual signifies some degree of discomfort, all or some of the time with one's birth-assigned gender designation.

Notice first that this is a self-evaluative notion rather than an externally assigned category; i.e., one decides at some point that being in the birth-designated pigeon-hole one was placed in is either inadequate, inappropriate, too limiting, or just plain wrong as a description of one's own gender identity. Secondly, note that not everyone who plays with gender is transgendered, insofar as the playing may not be initiated by discomfort, but, perhaps, by professional requirements, sex play, masquerade or what have you. Finally, note that one does not have to do anything with this discomfort in order to qualify as transgendered. It is the having of the discomfort rather then the acting on it that precipitates the classification, which also means that one can easily be transgendered and never so identified.

Having spent all this time on nomenclature, I must be clear that ultimately for me, it is just not that important. Regardless of how internal and careful we make the definitions that create us, that bring us into being, we will always be classified by external social and political forces that have their own agenda, their own needs, and their own purposes. So, instead of remaining in the realm of the terminological, I will take my simple definition and explore one particular group, and especially, the one particular group in which I place myself. In other words, enough theory, let's talk about me. But it is still worth noting that the range of transgendered persons, as I use the term, runs from the life-long transsexual, some of whom can be identified as young as three years old, through my own category, the committed cross dresser, to the occasional non-reflective cross dresser operating in total isolation.
  

The Cross Dresser

The focus of this essay is not on the entire range of transgendered individuals, but on one subset, my subset, the committed cross dresser, so this is a term I must define. The question of just where this sub-set lives within the larger transgender tribe will become clear as I go on, but it must be clear from the outset that not everyone who is transgendered is a cross dresser. There are transsexuals who internally identify as cross-gendered but who never in their lives act on it and never wear cross-gender clothing. There are also many transsexuals who only wear cross-gender clothing because it is not in fact, for them, cross-gendered at all. They are not cross dressers. I might also add that while I will be talking about the cross dresser as a birth-designated male, I do believe that there are female cross dressers and I do not mean to exclude them. Much of what I say does, I am sure, pertain to them, but my expertise is not there, so I plead indulgence.

So what is a cross dresser? To begin with a cross dresser, simpliciter, is a person who has an apparent gender identification with one sex, and who has and certainly has been birth-designated as belonging to one sex, but who wears the clothing of the opposite sex because it is the clothing of the opposite sex. I put this last in italics because it is intended to eliminate from the cross dresser pool people who wear opposite sex clothing for other reasons. This group primarily includes women who wear, for example, men's shirts for either fashion, comfort or convenience reasons, or performers who don women's clothing in aid of a role.

Many women may sometimes or even frequently appear in clothing that, were a male wearing them, they would be perfectly appropriate (allowing for different cuts of cloth, etc..) However, these women are not considered to be cross dressers either by themselves or society at large. In our culture, the wearing of men's or man-tailored clothing is not considered, by and large, a violation of gender rules. Indeed, the overwhelming degree to which trousers have been donned by women has led to a distinction between trousers for men and those for women. Men wear pants, women wear slacks, though both words are cross used, and it must also be noted that fairly evident identifying characteristics are also available for those who want to discern the subtleties. Still, there are garments, e.g., blue jeans and sweats, where there is hardly any difference. But even so, the women who wear such garments, regardless of the department from which they were purchased are not considered cross dressers. For one thing, they typically fail the BVD test, which is to say they are not wearing male undergarments. (Or, if they are it's not because they are male undergarments, but perhaps because they are more durable or warmer.) This is not to suggest that women who exclusively wear men's clothing will not receive disapprobation - they will, but it will not usually be because they are cross dressed, but because they are failing to be sufficiently feminine.

Cross dressers often complain that they are envious of women's ability to wear whatever style of clothes they please. Why, it is asked, should women be able to wear men's clothing without censure, while men cannot do the same in reverse. This question misses the fundamental nature of cross dressing: It is not about comfort or convenience or even style, but about gender and gender representation. Women often, though not always, wear men's clothing for style or comfort, not because they are men's. Certainly, there are exceptions, and those exceptions often do receive the same grief that male cross dressers receive.

Another group that may be excluded by the BVD test can be those female impersonators who look upon dressing as solely connected to their livelihood, actors undertaking roles, individual males and females enjoying a masquerade, and so on. These individuals are cross dressing but are not cross dressers. In addition, I especially need to distinguish cross dressers, who are largely heterosexual (though not infrequently bisexual, especially if fantastical sex is considered,) from the gay drag queen. The latter group is well known through media exposure in such films as Wigstock, Priscilla Queen of the Desert, To Wong Foo, and others. Stereotypically, the drag queen is arch, catty, and brings stereotypical gay bitchiness to a fine art. They are also frequently made up in bizarre, overdone, or outrageous ways hyperbolizing female elegance and playing with a huge array of gender markers. Some may well be cross dressers, but there is no necessary connection between the two. While their role in the way gender is constructed and deconstructed is very important, my concern in this talk, nonetheless, is not with them. (Vide Butler, 1991 and Garber, 1992.)

Again, not to spend too much time on semantics, while there may be borderline and fuzzy cases, the paradigmatic cross dresser is a person who sometimes wants to appear in whole or in part as a member of the opposite (non-birth-designated) gender; i.e., the choice of clothing is not a question of style. Cross dressers do not have only one motive for dressing, there is, rather, a range. Sometimes the driving force is an eroticism that arises (so to speak) out of donning women's clothing. At other times it is the appearance of the cross dresser, the looking as woman that is central, while still others find that a particular feeling, not primarily erotic, is the sought after goal. And, indeed, these motives might be mixed, might wax and wane during the life of a cross dresser or even during a particular cross dressing episode.

It is important to note that, at least sometimes and/or for most people, it is the feeling the clothing engenders rather than the appearance it creates that is paramount, or, perhaps, the appearance is an aid to engendering (pun intended) a particular feeling. This allows for options other then full dress given the circumstances. By this I mean that sometimes a cross dresser, especially if not going out in public, may wear women's clothes but, say no makeup or wig, and still satisfy the yen to be feminine because the kinesthetic results of whatever is worn are sufficient for the engendering. Alternatively, he may go out "underdressed," which means he will be wearing some female clothing beneath his male clothing but that no one observing him will be able to notice. Both of these options may be directed at an internal feeling of increased femininity rather than trying to look like a woman. In short, there are many ways in which a cross dresser can "dress" or be en femme that fall short of full costume, and I mark this as significant because it demonstrates that there may be many roots or drives or desires that lead an individual to cross dress.
  

The  'Commited' Cross Dresser: The Definition

I said above that I am a 'committed' cross dresser, a term I have used for a number of years now. The term 'committed' encompasses, for me, two essential items. The first concerns one's self-identity, the second an approach to what one is doing that includes a mature thoughtfulness and a reflective view of gender roles. Unfortunately, both of these items often do not come to the individual cross dresser until later in life (if ever,) though for various reasons, that is, happily, changing. In order to understand how and why being committed is so difficult we must look at the life of a typical cross dresser.

Gender, certainly in our culture, is emphatically bipolar.That is, there are two socially identified genders, men and women, and each individual within the society is expected to fall neatly into one of those two categories. Of course, not everyone does, and those who do not pay the price through such various mechanisms of social control as ridicule, ostracism, systemic discrimination, legal and social persecution, medical mutilation, institutional isolation, state supported harassment, and even death. The bipolar gender system is not only a cultural phenomenon supported by a multitude of societal mores, customs and institutions. It is also a highly policed legal institution as well. For example, it is, to the best of my knowledge and according to the Supreme Court still the case that discrimination as a result of crossing gender lines is allowable in most US jurisdictions. Moreover, the expectation that one will fit into and behave according to one's birth-designated gender is made loudly and perfectly clear from birth, if not before when the sex of the fetus is known. Indeed, when an infant is identified as intersexed, a gender is chosen by the physician. Rather then have a human being who cannot be gender classified, the child is surgically altered to conform to the chosen gender's standards, and is then supposed to toe the gender line from then on. This process is, thankfully, being opposed vigorously, but it is an uphill battle. Family, media, and a host of social institutions all strictly delimit a person's choices to being a little boy if you have a penis, or a little girl if you have a vagina. If you lack clear evidence of one or the other, then the medical machine will intervene to bring you in line with the necessary standards.

Once a child has been placed in a gender category, there is no going back. The limits for gender behavior are clear and taught to children at once. Transgressing these limits, especially for little boys, can result in harsh consequences often including being handed over, at a very young age, to the psycho-medical establishment. Little girls have more leeway - it is better to be a "tomboy" then it is to be a "sissy." In my undergraduate classes on gender and sexuality 50-60% of females will, typically, say they were tomboys, but it is unusual for even one male to acknowledge that he was a sissy. This said, it must not be thought that girls who gender transgress have an easy part: They too can go too far. If they do not "grow out of it" at the appropriate age, or if they refuse to ever be "sugar and spice" for Daddy and Mummy or put a dress on for Auntie Kate, they will suffer consequences. The gender rules might be easier for girls, but the gender rules are there nonetheless.

Consider then the young transgendered person, let us say, (to keep this personal,) a little boy who in watching the world around him in whole or in part identifies with little girls as much as or more than little boys. That is, at least some of the time, this little boy wants to be or wishes he was or was more like the little girls he sees. He will not, typically for a cross dresser, be very young, but, more likely, approaching or entering puberty. While transsexuals are often self- or other- identified as young as three, cross dressers may only be vaguely aware of odd feelings or inappropriate desires until cross dressing activities begin at puberty. Some do report an attraction to girl's things from an early age, and there are those who have a fantastical identification with girls, but it is usually at the onset of puberty when things will come to a head. In other words, the young gender outlaw is at that threshold when, more and more, the distinction between the genders widens and the separate societal identified paths must be taken.

What happens to this young boy? Well, he learns very quickly not to make these desires public. His play habits and mannerisms are watched and corrected if he violates the gender laws. He learns to sublimate the feelings of wrong-ness, and, often, though he watches little girls and, at least partially, identifies with them, envies them, wants to be with them, his main time is spent with other little boys. He may play more with little girls than other boys, but then he may not. The point is not so much clocking the physical time he spends playing with each gender, but rather the impossible task of reading his consciousness. To what messages is he paying attention? In this sense one may wonder about the socialization of gender non-conforming boys who to some greater or lesser degree identify with girls. Especially given our vast media world in which children live, is it not possible for a little boy (or girl) to focus on the socialization messages given to girls? In this way a boy who cross-identifies may absorb some or all of the socialization intended for girls. I leave this question to my psychologist and sociologist colleagues, but it is worth noting that much, though not all, socialization programs are there for the picking. This certainly makes sense and agrees with the autobiographical reports of many early onset transsexuals, so why not allow that the transgendered youth who is not transsexual may also absorb or pay attention to the cross-gender messages readily available.

At this time, recall, the young cross dresser has not manifested cross-gender behavior, but, at some point, certainly at the onset of puberty if not before, he will put on women's clothes, usually those belonging to a sister or mother. He will not know why he is doing it, though he will know it is wrong. He may be fulfilling a fantasy, or exploring a fantastical identification or be acting out a compulsion for no considered reason. Indeed, many young children may do this, but when the cross dresser does he will feel great sense of comfort, arousal, or both. Once he has done this there is no turning back: something clicks, something happens and a euphoria, a sense of rightness overcomes him. Almost every male puts on one or more articles of female clothing at some point or other, but when a cross dresser does everything changes - his life will never be the same because he knows from the very first that he will do this again.

Thus is born the cross dresser. Now the young boy has discovered a deep attraction to the wearing of women's clothing. While on the one hand he is pleased since he has found a new form of erotic gratification, the discovery nonetheless causes him great distress insofar as he is convinced he is the only one in the world to indulge in this forbidden activity. This increases his sense of isolation and feelings of difference thus re-enforcing his gender non-conformity. This might lead to his being a loner, associating primarily with girls, but might also very possibly lead to masculine over compensation. In his desire to make himself feel like a normal boy he may become very involved in sports and male activities, but, on the other hand, he may not. There is, in my experience, no clear pattern. There are cross dressers who, looking back for that elusive explanation, see their attraction to the feminine as a flight from the pressure of competitive male sports and the continual involvement with power hierarchies. But there are also many cross dressers who loved sports and, as adults, still participate in various athletic activities, and there are also cross dressers who have been very aggressive in business and other endeavors. If all cross dressers are or were sissies, then some were much better at hiding it then others.

In all cases, though, what is clear is that once begun, there is no going back. The fetishistic attachment, the eroticization of feminine clothing is a strong association once made. Suddenly, the "opposite sex" is seen through new eyes - eyes that contain much of the normal pubescent awareness of girls as sexual beings, but also a desire, a fascination with their accoutrement as much as with them. This attraction to wearing the clothes of the opposite gender will never go away, even though it may occasionally be suppressed for even lengthy periods of time. And, as our young cross dresser moves on into manhood the desires typically increase at the same time as do the opportunities for expression. Sometimes the opposite may be true as when a man goes into the service or a crowded college dorm; at various times in life the desire may all but disappear through repression or inability to act out. Occasionally a cross dresser (or transsexual) will intentionally put himself into a situation where pursuing the activity is difficult in an attempt to stifle or extinguish the cross dressing. The patterns at these times are fairly similar, but now we begin to come to some diverging paths.

What happens to the cross dresser now, and I reiterate that the primary group I have in mind is the male heterosexual cross dresser, is a function of individual personality, intelligence, self-reflection, and chance. The two aspects I am concerned with, self-identity and thoughtful self-consideration, are not really separable, but let me nonetheless treat them as such.
  

Self-Identity

The heterosexual cross dresser has spent a great deal of his life experiencing shame and isolation. For a long time, perhaps almost forever, he has been convinced that he is the only man in the world who gets off on wearing women's clothing. This is not something you share with people. It is a practice that is ridiculed and mocked, and those who do it are sissies and fags and, above all, not real men. The isolation brought on by shame and guilt are frequently so extreme that often there is not one other person in the world who knows about his compulsion. No one to discuss it with, no one to share it with, no mentor to learn from, and no role models to emulate. Even though often a significant other may be aware of the practice, this by no means guarantees emotional support or a boost to one's self-confidence. To the contrary, a mate's reactions may range from shock and surprise to total denial and a demand that the activity continue to be performed only in isolation. This includes the "blind eye" - do it, but I'll pretend it doesn't exist. Consider how isolating and shame provoking a response such as that it. Another common reaction is some form of 'tolerance': "Do what you want," his wife says, "but leave me out of it." If the cross dresser is lucky tolerance may extend to being able to come and go from home while dressed, and for the lucky ones it may even extend to the occasional offer of sartorial or makeup advice. The reasons for spousal resistance are complex and, in large part, understandable - these women are heterosexuals who are attracted to men. The better their husbands are at emulating their own female sex, the less attractive they are sexually. Still, understanding a spouse’s difficulties does not help the cross dresser who takes a great risk in sharing a humiliating secret with his partner.

But, somehow, some way, for some of us, there is a change, an event or a series of them, an epiphanic experience or a slowly growing process that leads to a pride and confidence in oneself. It may even be tinged with anger or defiance as in, Page: 8"I have a right to do this as it doesn't hurt anybody. What's it their business?" For me it began when my first wife announced to me that I was a transvestite, something she had garnered from her therapist. My reaction was to be nonplussed. On the one hand I felt categorized and somewhat medicalized - I was in a category, a box, neatly labeled. But on the other hand, it meant I could, like the good academic I was, trot off to the library and read all about myself. I took out all the books my university had on the subject, found I was far from alone, and also learned that there were organizations like the IFGE, the International Foundation for Gender Education, that catered to and supported people like myself. So my beginning of self-awareness came through an external stimulus, but others come from various avenues ranging from being advised by a therapist to stumbling across an Internet site.

The self-identification as a cross dresser, as a member of a group is not the same as self-acceptance, When that happens it is almost invariably a result, directly or indirectly, of interaction with other cross dressers. But, regardless of how it comes about, this crucial component of what I am calling the committed cross dresser means that one is no longer ashamed of being a cross dresser, and no longer tries to abandon the practice by purging a wardrobe and foreswearing women's clothes. (Virtually every cross dresser has purged at least one if not more wardrobes, and every cross dresser ultimately regrets it. There is always that one dress, blouse or skirt, that is wistfully remembered as something in which he almost looked good.) Indeed, the committed cross dresser would not wish it away if he (or she) could, and would not choose to take the mythical "magic pill" that would make the condition vanish. And, more importantly than what one would wish for is the acknowledgment that it is never going away, that cross dressing is an integral part of one's makeup (pun intended,) and that, without it, one would not be the person one is. One may not know exactly what it adds, or exactly what it does, there may not be a full articulation of the benefits, but for the committed cross dresser there comes a time when whatever cross dressing is becomes accepted as an integral part of one's nature.

Once I can say that I am a cross dresser, that I am glad I am a cross dresser, then I have made a major step in accepting myself for who and what I am, and that is a big part of being any kind of person including a transgendered person. The society in which the cross dresser lives wants him to deny his woman-self, to repress his femininity, to pretend that the feelings, urges, and compulsions he feels are not really there. This society is broad, and includes as component voices not only the fundamentalists, but, sometimes, gays who are embarrassed by boys who are sissies, and lesbians who are affronted by caricatures of real women. "You do not exist," the voices insist. "You offend God and violate the Biblical injunctions." Or, "You feed our enemies and hold us up to ridicule with your mincing nancy ways." Or, "You try to steal our power and reinforce sexist stereotypes." Everyone has a problem, a complaint, and a reason for the transgendered, and certainly the heterosexual cross dresser, not to exist. Everyone has a reason why they should disappear, go back into the closet, and stop disturbing society's neatly bifurcated norms. This is even true of some transsexuals who occasionally treat CDs as annoying little sisters tagging along and spoiling their grown up time, or worse, as poseurs who water down and degrade the reality of the transsexual journey. I should also add that, gladly, this seems to be changing to some extent, and the Lesbigay community, especially under the umbrella of queer culture, is embracing TG folk more and more.

But the committed cross dresser (and his transsexual cousin) is not going anywhere. The committed cross dresser has passed the point of no return and does not want to go back. He (or she) may not even be out as employment realities may preclude that, and, besides, the necessity may not be there. One interesting thing about being a cross dresser, and not a small part of the complex political dynamic, is that the cross dresser usually has no need to come out fully. S/He can live his life in the closet, going to meetings, dressing at home, undertaking specialized excursions - there is most often no desire to go full time. The transsexual, on the other hand, must confirm hir non-conformity and, at some point, begin to live the life sHe needs to. But even though it is true that the cross dresser does not have to come out, most cross dressers want to come out for the simple reason they want to wear what they want when they want and be whom they want when they want. That they do not need to come out is not the same as saying they do not want to come out. The committed cross dresser may not actually come out, but wants to and will almost invariably share his secret with other close and carefully chosen people.

Most importantly, the committed cross dresser is still organizing, reaching out to others, and working for a time when gender expression is a matter of choice and possibly even mood, rather than genitalia. So, this first component of being a committed cross dresser involves an acceptance of myself, and a willingness to acknowledge to myself that I am a cross dresser, will always cross dress, and that, thank you very much, I'm quite happy to be a cross dresser. Indeed, we can take this even further. The committed cross dresser comes to see hirself as someone who chooses to break the gender rules, who is living, publicly or secretly beyond the gender laws. In some ways the cross dresser is the ultimate gender outlaw. After all, sHe goes from one gender to another, often without passing or even worrying about it. The committed cross dresser is multi-gendered, or, at least, works at it and tries to involve the crucial aspects, from a personalized point of view, of more than one gender.

These are interesting times for the cross dresser, as we are in a period of great consciousness raising, not dissimilar to feminist and gay consciousness raising in their time. More and more organizations are being created in more and municipalities. The Internet has had a marked impact on both cross dressers and transsexuals insofar as contact, support and information is much more readily accessible than ever before. My very first contact with other cross dressers was through the Internet. It was on CompuServe CB channel A13 that I first found, through sheer serendipity, others with whom I could talk. That was the first time I was ever able to discuss my compulsion with others who shared it, and it did not occur until I was 40. This greater ease of communication is a very central fact in the increased politicization and organization of transgendered people. One of the first steps to abandoning the stigma is to realize that one is not alone, that others feel as you do and behave as you do, and, miracle of miracles, some of them do it without shame!
  

On Growing Up

A cross dresser I know once remarked that five years in the life of a cross dresser is equivalent to one in the life of a genetic woman. What I took this to mean is that, because the cross dresser is so closeted and isolated, he has no interaction with the sorts of maturing and learning experiences that help take one through the various stages of emotional growth required to become a mature transgendered person.

 Many of us are all too familiar with the stereotypical cross dresser who, though overweight and overage, struts around in a tight mini-skirt, five inch heels, and enough blue eye shadow to paint a battleship. But what can we expect of someone who has had a total of 10-30 hours of human contact in his womanly guise? There have been no girl friends, mothers, or sisters to say, "What?!? You can't go out looking like that!" By the time this poor soul has worked up the courage to actually go out to a club event or dinner, no one has the heart to offer a criticism. One only has to observe the way in which mothers socialize daughters on how to dress, sit, talk, and behave to realize that the traits, habits, and behavior we consider "feminine" is not something that comes from nowhere. It is an extraordinary thorough and unrelenting process from which it is difficult to escape. So it is not surprising that the isolated cross dresser who has not had any of this training, let alone the thorough going indoctrination a genetic woman receives, misses many of the finer points.

That said, it is still the case that maturity, however, covers a lot more than clothing and makeup. In fact, in many ways, that is the least of it, and, with more clubs and events occurring in numerous places, our mini-skirted and fishnet stockinged friend will eventually get the idea either by being told or through his own observations. When he is the only one wearing those sorts of clothes and makeup, he must confront his difference. He may do so by saying, "The hell with 'em all, I'm having a good time," but as often as not he wants to look as good and as real as those who seem to exude confidence, have a grip on their femininity, and demonstrate a sense of proportion. Like the socialization process wherein young girls emulate those who seem to have it all together, the neophyte cross dresser slowly moves to a state of balance where perspective and the understanding of femininity play as great a role as the indulgence of fetishistic satisfaction. No, the more difficult and profound aspect of maturity, and the part that forms a crucial component of committed cross dressing, is a rich and deep understanding of womanhood and one's own place in (or near) it. The cross dresser, unlike some transsexuals, knows he is not a woman. He knows he is playing at it, emulating it, perhaps admiring and envying it. But he must acknowledge that his woman-ness does not come from the same places and needs nurturing and succor. All this leads him toward change.

How and whether this change occurs varies greatly. Depending on the education and insight of the individual cross dresser, the activity of cross dressing may remain at a static level for a long time. It may retain its initial erotic component, but may or may not expand beyond that into considerations of the individual's femininity as a component of his personality. A thoughtful, reflective person may see his cross dressing as an expression of, say, an "inner woman," and such an approach will allow for exploring the concept of womanhood. If there is involvement in cross dresser societies that expose members to discussions, articles and book reviews dealing with these issues, then growth is more likely. These all serve to broaden the base of models from which the heterosexual cross dresser has to choose.

By involvement in discussion, reading, and thinking about who he is as a man who (at least sometimes) feels like a woman and presents as a woman, the cross dresser creates a more thoughtful and richer persona. He strives to learn what it means to be a woman, to understand how a woman feels, to comprehend how to feel like a woman rather than a caricature of a woman. There is here a profound philosophical problem: How does one know what a woman feels like if one is not a woman? Rather then answer the question, I will simply pose another: How does a woman know she feels like every other woman? Is there, in fact, a "feeling" that is woman-ness? Or is there, like so many other feelings, a vast range with individuals fitting in at diverse points? Is feeling like a woman similar to feeling awake, where you are aware of it, though not consciously, all the time? Or is it like feeling confident which can vary widely in both magnitude and kind. To suppose that there is some one feeling bestowed genetically on all and only all women begs important questions including how one is to define 'woman,' and whether or not, if one can, (and many have tried and failed,) they all have the same feeling. It is difficult to imagine that Real Woman homemaker has the same feeling, should it exist, as a single feminist attorney, let alone a butch lesbian activist.

Philosophical ramblings aside, not every cross dresser learns to delve deeply into hir psyche and explore the deeper reaches of gender role and its limits and restrictions. After all, only a very small portion of the entire population thinks about these matters - most take the bipolar system as a given. So it does not always happen that a cross dresser will learn to have a deeper sense of woman-ness, of femininity. Sometimes a cross dresser and, in my experience, a transsexual, has and will always have a stunted idea of what a woman is, what a woman's place is in society, and how each of them fits into that role and model. This cannot be helped; not everyone is introspective, not everyone reflects on their role in life. For me, thinking about what woman-ness is and how cross dressing relates to it is my job. For others, not so, and some of them may not move beyond the caricature phase. But we have to be fair. Just as there are genuine one hundred per cent women born women walking around in inappropriate mini-skirts and troweled on makeup, so there are real women who never seem to reflect on who and what they are qua woman. In other words, a lack of self-awareness is no more limited to cross dressers than is a lack of a sense of style. We must be careful of putting up higher standards for the cross dresser than we do for genetic women.

One recent development, circa 1995, that has, in a burst of synchronicity, appeared in several places within a very short period of time, and is very relevant to these considerations, is the idea of gender as non-bipolar. This idea, which has resulted in discussion of transgendered people of all stripes as not being men or women, but as belonging to the Third, has much to recommend it. For one thing, it makes the "I am really a woman in a man's body" approach out dated. Now it becomes correct to say, "I am a male transgendered person who chooses to present female." (A presenting which may or may not go as far as genital surgery.) This solves many problems, especially political ones, and goes a long way toward undermining the tyranny of the bi-polar gender system on which depends such heavy duty items as the family, hetero and homosexuality, sexism, and the division of society into gender determined roles. This way of thinking opens u many options which go beyond the standard male equals man, female equals woman dichotomy that rules our lives. Once we follow this route there are many possible options - being bi-gendered, non-gendered, multi-gendered, cross-gendered, and on and on. The idea of the "third" is a potent one, especially if it is not considered as one homogeneous category itself. It would not do at all to replace a bipolar system by a tripolar one. The very idea that one need be a gender at all is disposable. It could be replaced by, say, having a set of attributes in various ranges of femininity and masculinity where those are considered as characteristics like being creative or straightforward rather than the most fundamentally defining aspects of a person.

Books by Kate Bornstein, Martine Rothblatt, Gordene Mackenzie, Riki Anne Wilchins, Pat Califia and a host of others have all in one way or another emphasized the role of the transgendered individual as what Bornstein calls the "gender outlaw." The discussion provoked by these books have made our case more public, and have echoes within the transgendered community as well. If MtFs and FtMs are not going to be women or men but rather trans-women and trans-men, then SRS surgery with its concomitant difficulties and dangers, becomes a less pressing need. It is not so much that it will disappear - I do not think that will ever happen, nor do I mean to indicate that it should - but it does mean that the choice will be freer, will be made after considerable reflection and time, rather then as a matter of course because one is simply on a given path or in a given box. Even "passing," the ability to be taken as a member of the opposite sex without being recognized as such, becomes less important as the holy grail of cross dressing. One can be a male wearing women's clothes and presenting as a woman without having to pretend to be a genetic woman. 'Passing' is, of course, a very complex issue that cannot be gone into here in detail, but suffice it to say, it speaks to many of the tensions and contradictions inherent in the cross dressers' personality. Unfortunately for the success of the don't bother passing approach, society still enjoys ridiculing those who would maintain such a space, and passing is still the best way to ensure one's personal safety.

So, for me, the committed cross dresser is a person who (more or less) happily self-identifies as a cross dresser, and who has an approach to his own femininity (or her own masculinity) that goes deeper than mere appearances. The committed cross dresser owns his or her self, in fact, owns both his and her selves, treats them with respect and wants to explore them in light of contemporary thought, especially in light of feminist and progressive transgendered thinking. The committed cross dresser wants to be out and does so insofar as safety and expediency permit. The goal of the committed cross dresser is the creation of a world in which gender expression is a matter of choice and personal inclination, need and desire, and is not limited or restricted by societal rules and regulations. SHe works with clubs, political and professional organizations to extend outreach and involve the myriad of transgendered people who are alone, isolated and in need of help.
  

On Explanations: The Goal of Integration

The committed cross dresser has as a goal the integration of his masculine and feminine sides into one complete rich personality. The ideal is a sort of Jungian Buddha-hood where all parts of your gender mesh into one higher gender-free being, a being that includes all one's gender aspects and rises above and beyond the stereotyped gender roles dictated from outside. Indeed, various workshops at progressive events are geared to helping just this sort of growth, which is not to say that once having achieved such an integration he or she will always exhibit the same personality all the time. Anyone, regardless of how integrated and "in-touch" they are will have different personae even within the same gender. Most of us have professional façades as compared to social façades. And we do not expect to feel or look or be treated the same way when standing in front of a classroom as when being playful with a romantic partner. We all have roles we play, and they are important to our self-identity and self-protection. (Thank you, Erving Goffman.) Being too nice or too open, for example, can lead to being taken advantage of. Roles provide us with guidelines and parameters in which we can both safely operate and find certain protections.

All of this applies to both the non-transgendered and transgendered individual. The difference is that the transgendered person feels that the range of roles that can be adopted are broad enough to cross gender boundaries. But considering the ideal of integration sometimes leads a cross dresser to believe that if sHe were truly integrated, if all of the gender personality components in hir nature were developed and integrated within each other, that cross dressing would disappear, that the clothing would be irrelevant to the feelings and personality expression normally associated with it. That is, I imagine, that if I were a really together person, then I would have my male and female sides integrated, and, if that happened, I would no longer feel the need to dress. But, I've been at it long enough to know that that's just not true. Even though integration of all one's roles is a goal of personality development, it is simply a misunderstanding of what integration is to imagine that it means one is the same or one looks the same or feels the same all the time. Just as one can be integrated and still switch between being a professor and being a romantic partner, so being integrated does not mean that a cross dresser will never feel womanly as opposed to manly. He or she may well feel quite different in these different guises. Integration does not mean being and feeling the same all the time; it means having all your resources available to you all the time.

It is a mistake, then, to imagine that integration means the cessation of cross dressing. One thing has nothing to do with the other. Of course, there is no way to know what total psychological balance will do to anyone - I've certainly never had the experience. But I do know that cross dressers are no more neurotic or unbalanced than any other group (Docter & Prince, 1997). No, the idea that psychic integration means a cessation of cross dressing is simply another way of condemning it, of treating it - of treating all transgender behavior - as something that is wrong and needs to be fixed. Cross dressing does not need to be fixed, rigid attitudes toward gender, gender roles, the relationship between sex, genitals and gender are what need to be fixed.
  

But, why the Clothes?

Nonetheless, the question that haunts the cross dresser, committed or otherwise, is, "Why am I compelled to wear women's clothes?" I mean, here I am, fifty-odd years old, a reasonably integrated personality, a person with a fairly sophisticated understanding of people of both sexes and the various genders, and with a repertoire of philosophical expertise that includes familiarity with philosophical techniques of inquiry, knowledge of great minds and recent thinkers. I'm smart, I'm mature, and I'm sufficiently balanced to hold a job, stay married, and maintain a good relationship with my children. I am, after all, a professional philosopher, someone whose job it is to ask and at least attempt to answer the most profound questions we confront in our lives. Surely, this question, why do I cross dress, is something I ought be able to answer. But the simple truth is that when it comes to this one question so central to my life, I have no answer. I simply cannot tell you why I am standing here today wearing a skirt and blouse. All I can tell you is that, whether here or somewhere else, it is something that I have no choice over.I will do it whether I want to or not. And if, for practical or whatever reasons, I cannot, then I will feel a certain discomfort, a pressure that will slowly build up until release.There are numerous explanations.Freudian, behavioral, and, lately, hormonal and genetic. One theory has it that my father was too weak and my mother too strong, another that my mother was too weak and my father too strong. Take your pick. Another recent theory has it that hormones washed over me while I was but a wee tiny fetus - I call this theory the "Eek, a mouse theory" because it implies that something happened during my mother's pregnancy that triggered a hormonal flow during some precise moment when I, minding my own business floating around her womb, was particularly susceptible to gender diversion. Perhaps she had a fright or was thrilled at a romantic movie, and that is why I wear dresses. Let us also not forget that it might all be genetic and would have occurred on a statistical regularity no matter what anyone did.

I have no idea which of these theories, if any, are true.It may be that one is, or some combination, or none. All I know is that cross dressing, for me, is not a question of choice. It is certainly not the case that I woke up one day and decided my life was not sufficiently complicated, not difficult enough, and I would fix all that by wearing brassieres. It is also not as if I have first discovered a strong womanly component in my personality and, therefore, began to express it by wearing women's clothing. To the contrary-I first began to wear women's clothing, and only then began to explore that part of my nature that so compelled me. It is as a result of my cross dressing and my need to make sense of it that I have explored this part of my soul, not the reverse.

Moreover, I don't care a fig for the explanations. What difference can it make to me to know what is the "cause" of my cross dressing? I am, as Popeye said, what I am, and I have to learn to accept that and use that and love that regardless of why I am that way. If I work hard and introspect and think and meditate, then I can learn to love myself the way I am and not the way I am, according to some societal mythology, supposed to be. If I am truly blessed then there will be others in my life who will also come to love and accept that part of me as something enriching. None of the causal explanations have anything to do with my life, the life of a cross dresser. My dressing is like my brown eyes - it just is. Unlike my brown eyes the emotional cost through censure and danger that cross dressing has brought me are great and have colored my existence very thoroughly. Having to go through the struggle I have endured, having to make the decisions, keep the secrets, share the shame and grief and anxiety have most certainly impacted me mightily.

But a page has been turned. Because now the cross dresser and his and her transsexual sisters and brothers want a place in the sun. I want to be able to go to campus or to a restaurant as I feel like without fear of harassment or harm. And, as more of us do so, yet more will follow. As the committed cross dresser steps out, tests the waters and exposes hirself to public scrutiny more and more people have to accept and acknowledge that gender diversity is not a sickness, not a madness, not a deviance, but an option. By being committed and, where possible, open, connections are made and candles lit. Not every cross dresser may, as I have, step into the spotlight and take on a public presence, but there are other ways. Reaching out in clubs, through the world wide web, even anonymous media reports means that more and more people see cross dressing and gender diversity as an ordinary activity. This desensitization, this making of the strange something familiar, is a process every group that is out of the mainstream must go through before ultimate acceptance.

Now, through the Internet and widely aired media many people are recognizing themselves as transgendered. Younger and younger cross dressers and transsexuals are coming out and seeking advice. They are not, like me and my age cohort, waiting until they are 40 to confront their demons. My job as a committed cross dresser is to do whatever I can to make their lives easier than mine has been, to make their paths straighter and their confidence greater. There is no explanation for cross dressing, and if there were it would be irrelevant. What matters is not why it happens, but that. it happens. And happen it does. Cross dressing is not going away and the transgender community, cross dressers, transgenderists, transsexuals and the entire panoply of gender diversity are not going away. We are here to stay. We are not harmful, not perverted, perhaps insidious, but absolutely and forever here.
  

References

Bornstein, Kate.1994. Gender Outlaw. London, Eng.: Routledge.245pp.

Butler, Judith. 1991. "Imitation and Gender Substitution." in Diana Fuss, Inside/out : Lesbian theories, gay theories.

Califia, Pat. 1997. Sex Changes: The Politics of Transgenderism. San Francisco: Cleis Press.

Docter, Richard F. & Prince, Virginia. 1997. "Transvestism: A Survey of 1032 Cross-Dressers." Archives of Sexual Behavior.26:6:589-605.

Garber, Marjorie. 1992. Vested Interests: Cross-Dressing & Cultural Anxiety. New York: Routledge.

MacKenzie, Gordene Olga.1994. Transgender Nation.Bowling Green, OH : Bowling Green State University Popular Press

Rothblatt, Martine. 1995. The Apartheid of Sex and the Freedom of Gender. New York: Crown Publishers.