10. I, Jamie Foxx - Do hereby resolve to ratchet up my Unending Attention Whoring Tour even a few more notches by making myself available to perform the refrain from “Golddigger” at store openings, birthday parties, bar mitzvahs and any other event featuring more than four people who will look at me.
9. I, Rush Limbaugh - Do hereby resolve to continue talking out of my ass day in and day out on my radio program for people who lack the capability of even the most basic forms of rational thought. I will make every attempt to use my 
ignorant, uninformed opinions to appeal to the fragile emotions of the weak and fearful, and take great care to callously belittle and humiliate all those whom I have deemed “evil” or an “enemy” of my flawed ideals, even if they are beloved actors and activists who have suffered more in a single hour than I will in the entirety of my gluttonous, pharmaceutically anesthized waste of a life.
8. I, Clay Aiken - Do hereby resolve to stay in this closet, where it is nice and warm, forever.
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Now that we’re a few days removed from Christmas and we’ve come to grips with the fact that nobody loves us enough to get us a PS3, it’s time to look at what we’ve received and learn what our holiday gifts say about us. Christian Finnegan is here to help.
You know, it’s not too late to pick up a copy of Christian’s CD “Two For Flinching” for your friends and family. Get it here!
10. Naomi Campbell v. Maids. Word to the uneducated wise: If you absolutely have to spend your life cleaning other people’s houses, do you best to stay away from Casa de Naomi Campbell. Because there you’ll be, on your hands and knees, bleaching some tile grout, when the next thing you know you feel a 22-pound Balenciaga boot hit you in the back of the head, with the model demanding to know where her Stella McCartney jeans are. This almost literally happened in real life, with two separate maids accusing the supermodel of abuse, not to mention her former personal assistant who also claimed she was on the receiving end of the trademarked “Campbell How Are Ya?” The result? Naomi tamed her smoldering stare in anger management classes.
9. Travis Barker v. Shanna Moakler. We never really cared about this couple, and still kinda don’t. But their televised love affair and eventual divorce is significant in 2006, if only because two adults – grown humans with children, mind you – resorted to verbal attacks on MYSPACE for God’s sake to get back at one another. Yes, Travis may have banged Paris Hilton (BFD, so did half the Minneapolis Rotary Club) and sure, Shanna, a former Miss USA, responded by binging on Penis Cake, but you know what guys? It’s called the high road. Mapquest it.
8. Rosie v. Kelly v. Clay. What happens when a clammy, skinny singer clamps his hand over the mouth of the reigning Queen of Annoying Morning Hosts? Rosie happens. So when Clay Aiken put his faux paw over Ripa’s mouth, inciting her rage on live TV, O’Donnell goes ahead and not only accuses Kelly of being a homophobe, but at the same time kicks Clay’s closet door in like Arnold Schwarzenegger in the bathroom scene from Kindergarten Cop. Winner? Well, it would have to be Rosie by default. We wouldn’t want Clay Aiken’s germs on our face either.
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Did you find yourself mumbling the phrase “that’s just not right” a little bit more often than usual in 2006? So did we. And so did Paul F. Tompkins, which is why he’s here today to share his Top 5 “That’s Just Not Right” Moments of the year.
Have you found the time to return those unwanted Christmas gifts yet? Well, before you do, you should check back here tomorrow at 11 for Christian Finnegan’s What Your Holiday Gifts Say About You.
10. A Nation of Heavyset Italian Gay Men Develop a Craving for “Johnny Cakes.” If there’s one image that has burned it’s way into the depths of our subconscious, it has to be Vito on The Sopranos, traipsing around a gay S&M night club in a little tight black number, topped off with a little leather cap. Sure, he was (spoiler!) killed, but you know there was one gay mobster out there who looked up to the sky and mouthed the words “thank you” to the TV Gods. (We’ll also take this time to recognize our favorite SNL skit of the year, “The New Jersey Gay Couple.”)
9. Tom Cruise Gets Married. Kidding!
9. The 6-foot Long Hoagie That is the Jake/Lance/ McConaughey Sandwich. Whether they be cycling, doing sit-ups, binge drinking, cycling, bongo-banging, or participating in wet t-shirt contests, one thing is certain: The friendship between Jakey, Myatt n’ Lyance may not be a gay three-way tryst, but it is certainly the gayest thing we’ve seen all year.
8. Rosie O’Donnell Outs Clay Aiken. It all began with an innocent, poorly timed joke between the infinitely creepy Clay Aiken and permaperky Kelly Ripa. The incident then birthed it’s own little baby, a feud between newly anointed View co-host and staunch lesbian Rosie O’Donnell, who accused Kelly Ripa of being homophobic. Which is hilarious, because, as far as we knew, Clay Aiken was a total vagina fiend. Thanks for clearing that up, Ro!
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Forget about Rolling Stone, Stereogum, Pitchforkmedia, Spin Magazine and Entertainment Weekly– this is the only year-end music list that actually matters. BWE’s Mike Britt is here to walk you through the Top 5 Songs/Lyrics of 2006.
Come back tomorrow at 11: Paul F. Tompkins will be your guide through the Top 5 “That’s Just Not Right!” Moments of the Year.
The news that former President Gerald Ford passed away yesterday might have been a little shocking… if he wasn’t 93-years-old… and if Dana Carvey hadn’t already reported on this ten years ago.
Our thoughts are with his friends and family. At least he wasn’t eaten by wolves.
(For the real news, check out CNN)
10. Shanna Moakler and Paris Hilton Enlist Help of Police to Settle Pointless Catfight Over Some Braindead Rocker Guy - While drinking vodka and energy drinks and calling everyone “bitch” at Hyde, Paris Hilton and Shanna Moakler ended up getting into a heated catfight over Moakler’s ex-husband Travis Barker, who Paris undoubtedly slept with. While there are few eyewitness reports of what actually happened (once the blow wears off, Hyde revelers seem to have trouble remembering things), we do know that they each filed seperate police reports claiming that the other one had 
assaulted them. In the end, no one was arrested, Moakler told paparazzi that Hilton has herpes, and everyone lived stupidly ever after.
9. Rip Torn Takes His Name Too Seriously While Driving - Rip Torn is part of that Gary Busey/Nick Nolte school of grizzled old veteran actors who seem to spend all their time playing excellent supporting roles in indie movies, and driving around drunk like batsh*t crazy old lunatics. They’re sort of like alcoholic grandads - we may pity their problems, but we can’t really get mad at them. Also, the mugshots are usually amazing.
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Paul Scheer loves TV so much that the first draft of his Top TV Moments of 2006 was 137 pages long. It took some convincing, but eventually we were able to convince him to narrow it down to his top 5. So here they are: Paul Scheer’s Top 5 TV Moments of 2006.
Come back tomorrow at 11– Mike Britt will be here to walk you through the Top 5 songs/lyrics of the year!
It seems fitting that on the day of the birth of perhaps the most famous celebrity baby of all time, Jesus, we look back on the year that defined celebrity baby obsession…
10. Some Celebrity Babies Are Already Cooler Than You Are. Making fun of babies can be incredibly easy, what with their complete lack of depth perception and verbal skills. But even fresh out of the womb, some celebrity babies are already way too cool for you. Ramona Saarsgard, daughter of uber-chic-but-clearly-unwashed Peter and Maggie Gyllenhaal, still hasn’t returned your calls, and Kingston Rossdale, Gwen Stefani’s son, won’t even sign your yearbook. College will be a lot better, we promise.
9. Famous People Who Look Better Pregnant, aka “Heidi Klum Syndrome” Pregnancy is the one time in a woman’s life it is acceptable to look like complete sh*t. Unless you’re a Victoria Secret “Angel”, of course, when having an alien life form in your womb transcends your beauty from “anorexia-inducing” to “bun-in-the-oven-inspiring.” Take Heidi Klum, who week after pregnant week looked more beautiful and ethereal than ever before… causing hundreds of college boys to coin the term “EMILF” (the E is for Expectant). Luckily, her baby came out kind of strange looking. (Thanks, Seal.)
8. 2006 Most Realistic Fake Bump Award: Reese Witherspoon. Then again, celebrities are held up to a strangely higher standard. Like when Reese Witherspoon was photographed on a beach with her children sporting a little mid-year bloat sac (read: small tummy.) Star Magazine jumped all over her baby mudflap, congratulating the actress on the burrito she was likely to birth in the bathroom later on that evening. Witherspoon sued the tabloids, and, as a result of the embarrassment (and that alone), divorced her husband.
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Before we start: Merry Christmas everybody!
Okay, now moving on. A lot of crappy movies hit theaters in 2006, but believe it or not there were also exactly five good ones. That’s why BWE’s own Doug Benson is here to walk you through the 5 best movies of 2006.
Make sure you check back here tomorrow at 11, when Paul Scheer will walk you through the 5 best TV Moments of the year. You don’t want to miss it.
Have yourselves a Happy Holiday - and check back every day next week for more of our year-end lists and updates on all the celebrity dirt that went down while you were drowning in Egg Nog!
10. Acting All Gay With Jake Gyllenhaal - Spitting on his hand and giving Donnie Darko the rough ride of his life did for Heath Ledger what Gladiator did for Russell Crowe. And who could ever forget the sweaty glory of the Endless Exercising Summer shared by the Fitness Force of Lance Livestrong, Shirtless McConaughey, and Jakey G. Bottoms? McConaughey’s life will never be the same.
9. Being Famous For Nothing Other Than Being Unlikeable - While Paris has been perfecting this little trend for years, she’s brought a cast of supporting characters into the fold. We’ve got perpetually-sweating trust-funder Brandon “said a bunch of dumb sh*t while drunk this one time” Davis, Scott “I dress like a moron and produce bad music” Storch, Kimberly “my daddy is Rod” Stewart and a whole bunch of other various hanger-oners who all would have been better off having never existed.
8. Having Babies When You Really Shouldn’t - Britney Spears had barely finished pooping out her first Lifelong Biological Connection to Kevin Federline when the wife-beater-sporting wannabe rapper managed to sperminate her for a second time. And seeing as how Tom Cruise is a closeted homosexual who is clearly out of his f*cking mind, bringing a space alien into the world through the miracle of Silent Scientological Birthing might not have been the best idea. And Anna Nicole Smith’s infinite trainwreck of a life was brilliantly enriched by the addition of one child just prior to the loss of another. All in all, I’d say it was a pretty good year for Therapists of the Future.
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Jessica Simpson’s metamorphasis from sex goddess to disgarded puppy nears the final stage of completion.
For more great pics, check out I Don’t Like You In That Way. But now it’s your turn, leave your Captions in the Comments now!
We’ve gots to give MASSIVE proppers to The Thighmaster for doing the necessary legwork to bring us this comprehensive guide to The Ladies of The Wonder Years. If you thought it was all about Winnie Cooper, you thought wrong. Now you can scratch your itch for 80’s TV nostalgia, AND find out just what became of Karen Arnold, Margaret Farquhar, Becky Slater and “Teri” (and believe us, you WANT to find out what became of Teri). Enjoy, buttfaces!
Looks like it’s a Merry Christmas in the Beckham household, what with Posh Spice Victoria Beckham leaving her abode with two alien bodies attached to her — and we ain’t talkin’ about Thetans! (Hey-oh!) We’re not sure if Victoria is aware that most breasts can actually grow naturally when one feeds the body nutrients found in this weird stuff called “food”, but nevertheless, even a little extra weight won’t give her the “lift, separation and nipplyness” that the plastic stuff affords. It’s a good thing she’s covering those lil’ guys up with a conservative turtleneck. We imagine the skin in between those otherworldly orbs is hanging on by a thread. The good news is that her rack reminded us of one of our favorite scenes from the movie Dumb and Dumber: Enjoy!
*Runner-up Title: “It’s a Hard-Knockers Life for Beckham”
As a very special pre-Christmas post-Hanukkah present, this week’s shuffler is none other than Defamer Associate Editor Seth Abramovitch. Seth expressed the initial “Oh God, This Might Be Embarassing” hesitation that most normal human beings feel when asked to expose their music library to the world. But strangely enough, his shuffle reeked of holiday spirit, and totally played into our current hush-hush John Mayer obsession! Seth swears it’s only on his Ipod because of a free demo mailer, but we like to believe it’s an Xmas miracle.
Seth Abramovitch’s Ipod Shuffle
1. Jeff Buckley “Corpus Christi Carol”
2. Cut Chemist (featuring Hymnal) “What’s the Altitude”
3. Bob Dylan “Thunder on the Mountain”
4. DJ Shadow “Midnight in a Perfect World”
5. John Mayer “Vultures”
Now it’s your turn. Leave your Shuffle in the Comments. And remember — Don’t lie!
The NY Daily News brings to our attention rampant speculation in Italy that the new Pope Benedict, née Joseph Ratzinger (which we always read as though George Jetson’s boss were angry with him: “Raaaatzinger!”) is gay. The main reason? Namely, because Pope Benedict wears red Prada shoes. The rumor has been spreading since the day he took God’s office, when gay talk show host Fabio Canino kicked off his show “with a shot of pink smoke wafting from a chimney at the Vatican.” Apparently, the Pope’s boyfriend is his private secretary, Monsignor Georg Gänswein, the “handsome, blond, 50-year-old amateur pilot, tennis player and former ski instructor.”
Well. We had to know more. So we Google Image searched him and ohmahgawwwwww!!!! MONSIGNOR GEORG GANSWEIN IS DROP DEAD GORGE! No, all JK-ing aside, the guy is 2-DIE-4. As the Italians might say “Illay Fatchay ese muy puntamento ecstatico”, which actually doesn’t mean anything strangely enough. We gotta hand it to the Pope — well played, my good man! MERRY CHRISTMAS! If he wasn’t celebate and/or into guys, we’d have him stuff or holiday stocking every day of the week! And we mean that literally, because we love small toys.
But for serious, more shots of our new Numero Uno Monsignor after the jump… (with thanks to ONTD for calling our attention to this pressing matter.)
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About Me: Tall, thin, mediocre-looking DJ 2 THA STARZ. I go by DJ AM to my fans, Adam Goldstein to my Jewish summer camp friends, and “that strung out guy” in the tabloids. My parents have finally agreed to let me change my middle name to “Music.” Looks-wise, I’ve been compared to John Travolta (if his face was made of wax and left over an open flame), or a Hebraic Ewan MacGregor. My personality is dope as hell. I used to be one of the top DJ’s in LA, until some little skinny bitch dropped my ass… anyway, I was in a band! Called Crazy Town! (We reached our musical peak with our hit song “Butterfly”) You can bet that L.A. will be a “crazy town” with DJ AM on your arm.
Who You Should Be: Famous. Just really, really famous. Partially dead/decomposed wouldn’t hurt either, but it’s not a requirement. Fame Famey Fame Fame. Those ladies interested can beep me at 323-CHIN-DIMP. Paaaayce!
Thanks to our dear friend Goldenfiddle for bringing to our attention the first official trailer for Black Snake Moan, the blues-drenched new film from Hustle & Flow director Craig Brewer. An entire movie about a grizzled ex-bluesman Samuel L. Jackson keeping a hot blonde nympho Christina Ricci chained to his radiator in backwoods Mississippi until he “cures her wickedness”? Yes, please!
It’s Best Night Ever for Thursday, December 21st! Katina is here to walk you through the best of Thursday night tv, including Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, BBC Crown Jewels, The OC, and ET!
