Here is the EXCLUSIVE!!! photo of TomKat Cruise’s very first kiss as man and wife ever.

• If there’s one gift you need to get your kid this holiday season, it’s the Lindsay Lohan doll. Comes with a fur coat, velvet rope, and her own “SUV party limo” with a hot tub and a bar. Recommended for ages 6-12 (seriously). Years of therapy to undo the severe warping of your child’s values system not included.
• It’s been a long road of couch-jumping, faux declarations of love, doing handstands on motorcycles, impregnation, child-birth, brokering of said child’s pictures, soccer practices and so on, and now, finally, Tom Cruise has married Katie Holmes. Do you believe him NOW? Here’s a picture. How about now? Me either.
• Rod Stewart’s daughter Kimberly is insisting to the press that she does not have a serious liver disease from drinking too much, as her dad had previously reported, and that for future media attention reference, we should listen only to her publicist, and not her father, who has a big mouth, and god I need a drink right now.
• Michael Richards, the actor who played TV’s beloved Kramer on Seinfeld, launched into a shocking and horrifying racial tirade during a recent stand-up comedy performance. I guess this is kind of like The Soup Nazi, except way more disturbing, way less soupy and, you know, for real.
• And thus concludes another weekend, another celebrity wedding, and of course, another Paris Hilton nipple emancipation.

If there has ever been a need for the powers of our beloved Celebrity Translator, it is now, for we have stumbled upon what is perhaps some of the most challenging celebrity text we’ve thus far encountered. The NY Times did a little digging and came up with a few excerpts of the traditional wedding rites for the Church of Scientology, which I’d bet good money will also be uttered by Katie Holmes this weekend. As this text is written in both Celebrity AND Alien, we weren’t sure our Translator would be up to the challenge. But luckily, it once again failed to disappoint us.

SCI-FI CELEB GOBBLEDYGOOK: “Now, Tom, girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat. All caprice if you will, but still they need them.”
HUMAN TRANSLATION: If you’re going to keep her locked up in the basement until another one of those pesky man-kissing rumors surfaces and you need someone to make out with in front of the paparazzi, you at least have to provide adequate food, water and clothing.

SCI-FI CELEB GOBBLEDYGOOK: “Hear well, sweet Katie, for promise binds. Young men are free and may forget. Remind him then that you may have necessities and follies, too.”
HUMAN TRANSLATION: He’s gay, dear.

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The only real news about Katie Holmes’ upcoming betrothal to Tom Cruise and his Love Cult that is coming out of Italy is the news that the media actually creates itself out of a desperate need to cover something that has been meticulously designed to be a private affair. So when CBS’s The Insider told us to visit Italian-Weddings.com to get a better gander at the wedding castle chosen to mark the spot of this most intergalactic of unions, you knows we did that sh*t. But as we gazed fawningly at the wedding slideshow, hoping that we too can someday find a place equally as charming for our own fake marriage, something jumped out at us. Specifically, Kevin Nealon jumped out at us. So this weekend, as you’re getting all wrapped up in the TomKat marriage media circus, just know that the Nealonator boated those waters first.

According to MSNBC’s The Scoop, in the final hours of her life outside of matrimony, Tom Cruise & Scientology’s bride-to-be Katie Holmes spent $3,000 on “lacy underthings” during a recent pre-marriage shopping spree in LA. While this news is most certainly adorable, it would seem that our naive little darling is either a) under the misconception that marriage will have a negligible impact on Tom’s sexual interest in her, or b) making one last desperate attempt at convincing herself that Tom’s “tendencies” can be controlled by $3,000 worth of panties. Either way, we wish her the best of luck and hope that, if the skimpy new skivvies don’t work out, not to give up entirely - there’s always roofies.

• SAVE THE DATE: Tomkat officially becomes Mrs. Tomkat on November 18. Suri remains a bastard. (Bricks & Stones)
• INCREDIBLY SPECIFIC DEMO: Meet Nemesis, just your typical gay identical twin ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses-turned-pop stars. (Radar)
• GYLLEN-BALLS: Jake Gyllehaal one ups pal Lance Armstrong by strutting around New York City with TWO balls. (Cityrag)
• FERGIE RIP-OFF: Ugh, that woman from No Doubt is totally trying to sound like that chick from the Black Eyed Peas. (Popbytes)
• SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE: Beyonce, and Lucy Liu. Okay, now just Lucy Liu. (Celebutaint)

Sure, we all got pretty swept up in last week’s “Suri on the Cover of Vanity Fair” frenzy, but there was one bald vegan ambient music-maker who was not impressed by the very public debut of the cute little Cruisebot. Moby had this to say on his blog:

are you kidding me?
putting your f*cking CHILD on the cover of vanity fair?
are they out of their minds?
[…]
using children as p.r props does disgust me, i have to admit.
in the grand scheme of things fame pales in comparison to family and child-rearing.
i don’t know tom cruise and katie holmes, but i really cannot for a second fathom
the mindset of parents who would sell pictures of their children and use their
children to get better press coverage.
i’m sorry, i try not to be too judgemental, but it’s gross.
[…]
ugh.
moby

Hear that Crazy McSpacecase? Moby’s got your number and you DO NOT want to see what happens when the proprietor of TeaNY gets pissed off enough stop telling us President Bush is an idiot long enough to pontificate the hopless vapidity of our celebrity-obsessed culture. You’re in big pacifist trouble, Mr. Cruise!

So what went on during the week of BWE’s 100th episode?

• Well, we had a party and Veronica Corningstone was there.
• Kevin & Angela from The Office taught us what was SFW and NSFW.
• We celebrated our five favorite subjects from the first 100 episodes: Paris Hilton, TomKat, Lindsay Lohan, Brangelina and Britney Spears.
• We learned that James Blunt is more annoying than Heat Rash.
• OK Go released the single coolest music video EVER. And I mean EVER.
• And finally, MEL GIBSON. Ahh, Mel Gibson. From Random Facts About Jews to Rob Schneider’s reaction, this week BWE.tv broke the record for most posts about a single human being. And guess what. It was damn worth it.

Make sure to tune into Best Week Ever tonight at 11 for anything we may have missed. And if you’re one of those people who enjoy knocking back a drink or 6 during the show, play the BWE drinking game. Tonight, every time you hear a reference to the show being our 100th episode, take a drink. Mel played along during last week’s show and well… yeah, you saw how that turned out for him.

Have a great weekend!

Best Week Ever airs its monumental 100th episode tonight at 11 on VH1. All week long we’ve been sharing 100 seconds of our five favorite subjects from the first 100. Today we’ve finally arrive at Number 1. But In Case You Missed It, here’s the list thus far:
5. Paris Hilton
4. TomKat
3. Lindsay Lohan
2. Brangelina
What a line-up. But now it’s time for #1. Here she is… our favorite celebrity of the first 100 episodes. The one and only Miss Britney Spears.

Penelope Cruz has added her name to the list of celebrities who have seen the elusive Suri Cruise in the flesh. Or in the whatever-her-alien-body is-made-of. Penelope, The Queen of Queens Leah Remini, and the other Smith, Jada Pinkett are the only three people in Hollywood who claim to have seen the mystery baby. Just in case you happen to be the next person to see Suri, we here at BWE have put together this handy pictorial to illustrate the three stages of seeing Suri Cruise.

So be careful, people. See Suri at your own risk.

In honor of our 100th episode we’re counting down our Top 5 favorite celebrities to talk about all-week-long. Yesterday we saluted the one and only Paris Hilton for providing us with 2 1/2 years worth of entertainment. Today, we’re going to celebrate our 4th favorite topic of conversation in 100 seconds.

So here it is, #4: TomKat!

Don’t forget to tune into BWE’s 100th episode this Friday night at 11 and all weekend long. And be sure to check back tomorrow to find out who is #3!

The fearless investigative journalists over at TMZ have blown another hole in the case against Suri Cruise’s existence by uncovering some shocking - shocking! - discrepancies between the birth certificate of Suri and the birth certificate of Brooke Shields’ daughter, who happened to be born the same day. Supposedly the same registered nurse signed both documents, but neither of which bears her official license number, thereby casting doubt on their authenticity. There’s too much brain-bending information and irony at play here to even attempt thinking too hard on it, but evaluate this latest evidence and form your own opinions on whether or not it should be taken suri-ously (suri, I could help myself. Okay, I’ll stop now.)

What could get your heart racing with excitement even more than a blurry photo of what appears to be the newborn baby of some celebrity you’ve never met? Well in the case of Suri Cruise, who has thus far refused to validate her existence by providing us with any photographic evidence suggesting she is in fact a real human girl, you’re going to have to settle for this blurry birth certificate which suggests that, at least in the State of California, TomKat’s offspring is indeed recognized as an official human being. But still having seen no pictures, and knowing that almost anything passes for a “human being” in California, my verdict shall remain firmly on the “extraterrestrial test tube experiment” side of the baby scale.

Well, it’s official: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are really, totally, completely in love! They must be– how else could they have topped In Touch Magazine’s ‘Most Affectionate Couples’ list? The two are all about love and affection. Like when Tom jumped on the couch and stranged Oprah? Affectionate. When Katie distanced herself from her family and converted to Scientology to appease him? Completely affectionate. When they had a baby and Tom left to promote M:I3 the next day? 100% affectionate! Jesus, I’m jealous! Someday I hope to have what they have… now if only I had a publicist to help me fake find it.

1. Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes
2. Orlando Bloom & Kate Bosworth
3. Eva Longoria & Tony Parker
See the rest of the list by clicking below…
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After a year with Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise is back to his famous womanizing ways. The irrepressible bachelor is now going after new mom Angelina Jolie! Reports are in that Cruise called to congratulate the Tomb Raider star on her new baby with whatshisname and then offered an open invitation to the Scientology center when she returns to LA. He even promised to give her a Scientology award for her human rights work, if she’d just stop by the center. While critics say he’s trying to snag Angelina for his cult-like religion, we know Tom better than that. He just wants to get close to the buxom actress and implant a sub-particle micro-chip in her brain so she’ll do and say exactly what he commands. Oh Tom! You dawg, you.

• Marc Anthony takes out ad in the trade paper Variety professing love for J.Lo. Plans to rent Times Square billboard to ask her where she wants to go to dinner.
• Alanis Morissette and Ryan Reynolds break up. Watch out Ryan, you’ve got angry chick song coming your way.
• Woody Harrelson, wife welcome a brand new baby girl…made entirely out of hemp.
• Janet Jackson’s boobage looks like it’s hiding some implants. But considering she’s Michael Jackson’s sister it must be genetics.
• Jessica Alba has the ability to make dolphins excited. A trait that will come in handy if she ever wants to start a super-breed of doplh-people.
• Katie Holmes’ parents now want her to marry Tom, say sources close to the actor. Strangely no one’s actually seen or heard from the parents in months.
• Jessica and Nick’s divorce will be final June 17th. Which means Nick can finally start dating again.
• Slate thinks Tom Cruise should just disappear for a year. And he will, once he gets that goddamn time machine to work.

Tom Cruise is currently training Suri to be a superbaby. According to reports, “Tom Cruise has purchased all of the Baby Einstein DVDs and books to begin baby Suri’s “enhanced learning” program.” He also purchased so-called ‘genius toys’ and flashcards, and tossed aside the two month-old’s regular infant toys. While Katie Holmes is reportedly upset about Tom’s rigid schooling, we think he just wants to give his daughter every opportunity out there. You know the Scientology Center doesn’t accept just anyone.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have asked American Idol runner-up Katharine McPhee to sing at their wedding. According to sources, “Actress Holmes reportedly met McPhee at Los Angeles’ Church of Scientology, where the singer allegedly attended courses with her boyfriend, and has since become a huge fan.” McPhee is expected to sing her now famous cover of Somewhere Over the Rainbow from the Wizard of Oz. I guess Tom’s just really big fan of Dorothy.

Madonna and Michael Jackson. When I was a child in nursery school, that was my answer to the question “If you could choose your parents, who would you choose.” You could only imagine how I would’ve turned out.

Throughout the years, celebrities have coupled up and popped out children (like this one in the Best Baby Ever onesie) left and right. These kids, who are born rich and famous, seem to have it all: money, power, groupies (?), and to top it all off– super cool celebrity parents. With some of these Celebrity Parents you can’t help but look at them and wish that you were the one calling them Mom and Dad– Upgrade! But with other couples, you’re glad that you’re not the one being dragged around in front of the paparazzi with them– Downgrade!

• TomKat attend another little league baseball game. They love their sports.
• Paris Hilton suffers nipslip while shooting her video. We’re sure she’s mortified.
• Madonna thinks cross stunt would make Jesus proud. Makes fans yawn.
• Cate Blanchett to play Bob Dylan in biopic. She also has a man in her.
• Mormon mom Marie Osmond discovers daughters’ sexually explicit myspace pages. Hilarity ensues.
• After years together Jack White finally picks up leaves Detroit for good. Men.
• Gisele Bundchen doesn’t want to be photographed with younger models. Unless they’re plus size.

Tom Cruise has purchased land to build his dream home for his brand new perfect family. The acreage, overlooking the San Fernando Valley in California, was reportedly purchased for $10 million. The actor plans to spend an additional $25 million to build his dream house on the land. And guess who he bought the property from? The Church of Scientology. Which means Tom won’t have to go through the hassle of changing of his alien telephone number.

Tom Cruise is so ready to get married to Kate, in fact he wants it more than anything in the world, but it’s Kate who’s just not ready.

Apparently, her Scientology re-programming is not yet complete. So Tom has reportedly pushed back the wedding until Kate has fully been converted been drained of her hormones. In the coming months Katie will reportedly undergo intensive training on “how to spot and avoid anyone critical of Scientology.” She will also have a filtered exposure to the outside world while she trains to be the best wife ever. But if this is what it takes to have a happy marriage it’s worth it. And they’re already half-way there with Tom being so in love and Kate’s internal hard-drive being programmed to read BE_TOMWIFE2.ftp