• Kristy Swanson will play Anna Nicole Smith and Jon Lovitz will play Howard K. Stern in the Law & Order version of the story. It must be a total coincidence that producers went with a guy famous for a character named “The Liar,” right?
• Live Free or Die Hard has been retitled in Australia. The Aussies will simply call it “Save Your Money”.
• U.S. Cellular has begun enforcing a “no email Fridays” policy. This comes on the heels of “Enough with The F**king MySpace Mondays.”
• Live With Regis & Kelly has already lined up a slew of guest co-hosts to cover for Regis as he recovers from heart bypass surgery. Sorry Kelly- Clay isn’t one of them.
• An online gambling site is taking bets on whether Heather Mills’ artificial leg will fall off during Dancing With The Stars. Paul McCartney put $1 million on “hopefully.”

ABC announced the line-up for the next round of Dancing With The Stars and, oh man, are we excited. Once again, producers rounded up the perfect mix of desperate newcomers, ironic old-timers and “celebrities” who really strain the concept of what dancing with a “star” actually means. And this season, to make things even more interesting, they threw in a 39-year-old amputee with a history in pornography who’s going through a bitter divorce with a billionaire musician. Yes! Not that anybody can compete, but here’s the rest of the line-up, complete with the roles they were cast to fill. It’s going to be the best season ever.

Overqualified Boy Band-er: Joey Fatone (see: Drew Lachey, Joey McIntyre)
Token Athlete Looking To Tarnish Legacy: Clyde “The Glyde” Drexler (see: Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith)
Not A “Star”, Per Se, But Hot: Shandi Finnessey, Miss USA 2004. (see: Stacy Keibler, Shanna Moakler)
The “Remember Him??” Cheesy Early 90’s Actor: Ian Ziering. (see: Mario Lopez, Joey Lawrence)
Musician Who Nobody Actually Listens To: Billy Ray Cyrus (see: Willa Ford, Overqualified Boy Band-ers)
The Awkward “Journalist”: Leeza Gibbons (see: Jerry Springer, Kenny Mayne)
Over-The-Hill Supermodel: Paulina Porizkova (see: Rachel Hunter)
Big Pussy: Vincent Pastore (see: Tucker Carlson)
Light On Their Feet Boxer Who In Theory Should Be A Good Dancer: Laila Ali (see: Evander Holyfield)
The “Oh, You’re Doing Crappy Shows Like This Already?” Star: Apolo Ono (see: Monique Coleman, Lil’ Romeo)
The One-Legged Handicapped Star: Heather Mills (see: Heather Mills. Seriously, just look at her. This is going to be great.)

• Paula Abdul has contacted the press, claiming that she’s “the piƱata.” How long until some crazed meth addict beats her silly with a broom handle to access all the “candy” inside?
• While it has been reported that Paul McCartney and Heather Mills have settled their divorce for roughly $62 million, Mills says that isn’t true. Thank God — $62 million works out to barely $2000 an hour for her 4 year marriage, and any self-respecting woman knows to charge at least $5,000 an hour to sleep with McCartney.
• Not only hasn’t James Brown been buried yet, but now his attorney’s refuse to disclose where they’re hiding the body. Proving that even in death, James Brown is the feistiest corpse in showbiz.
• Colonel Sanders will be receiving his own U.S. postal stamp. Which raises so many questions… will it taste like fried or honey-baked? And won’t millions of letters suffer from unsightly clear little grease windows? Also, is America doomed?
• Do you think it’s possible Beyonce keeps flashing her armpits at photogs in order to distract from the hair net slowly taking over her face? Cauuuuuse it’s not really working… and we’re a little disturbed by everything reported in the previous sentence.

• The American Film Institute has named Borat one of the Top 10 Films of the Year, alongside United 93. No joke here, we just want you to start off your morning picturing a world where a movie featuring a naked man-on-man wrestling match gets nominated for an Academy Award. (As it should, p.s.)
• Rosie O’Donnell is telling Asians to “chill out” regarding some “ching-chong” comments she made on The View last week. We’ve been saying for years that the only thing The View is missing is a huge gong and Barbara Walters in a rice paddy hat.
• Britney Spears did some redecorating this weekend, and finally bought drapes to match the carpet.
• Paul McCartney is reported to be scrounging up a sizeable divorce package for ex-wife Heather Mills, in the range of $235 Million, or roughly 1,206,818 half-pedicures.
• Courtney Cox-Arquette has left the door wide-open for a Friends reunion show, in a soon-to-be classic known as “The One Where Everyone Kind of Looks Like Sh*t And Feels Sorry for Themselves.”

• FAT LOL: Ruben Studdard has turned vegetarian… and 2,200 turkeys wipe the sweat off their combs in relief. (US Magazine)
• DIVORCE COSTS ARM AND LEG: Heather Mills claims that she would rather lose the rest of her limbs than go through her divorce with Paul McCartney again. We kind of wish she would’ve lost her larynx instead of that leg. (BBC News)
• SECOND SEINFELD TRAGEDY: First Michael Richards, now Jerry Seinfeld’s ex-girlfriend Tawny Kitaen has been arrested for felony drug possession after police found cocaine in her house. We know her other ex-boyfriend O.J. Simpson is connected to this somehow, but we’ll give Seinfeld a small Thanksgiving break. (Yahoo News)
• PURSE-ECUTION: First daughter Barbara Bush had her purse stolen last week while dining out in Argentina. We wouldn’t be surprised if President Bush launched “Daddy’s Payback War” and sent 10,000 troops into Buenos Aires tonight. (CBS News)
• NSFWWWWW!!!!!!!: Someone is brave enough to review the Screech Sex Tape. We nearly didn’t link to this, as it’s a holiday weekend, but maybe you’ll put down that second helping of Grandma’s Fudge Pie after reading it. See, we’re helping you help you! (Have we mentioned it’s Not Safe For Work?) (Fleshbot)
• EYE CLEANSE: We can’t end on that Screech tape, so here’s a little Thanksgiving Brain Cleanse, from us to you! (Thanksgiving Cats and Thanksgiving Dog)

We’ll be enjoying the long weekend, and will return on Monday, November 27. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Lesson to all you one-legged models out there: Probs best not to date/marry Sir Paul McCartney. McCartney, who was famously married to soft-core porn model Heather “Ilene” Mills, is now in the midst of what’s looking to be a nasty divorce. Most everyone’s favorite Beatle had to freeze his bank account last month after Mills withdrew nearly $2 million. Attorneys now say that McCartney could lose up to a quarter of his wealth, or roughly the GNP of Portugal.

Yesterday, police responded to a call that a strange man was climbing over the wall of McCartney’s property. Turns out, it was Mills’ bodyguard, told to climb over the wall after McCartney went ahead and changed the locks without telling her. How bad must it suck to be a one-legged woman’s bodyguard, p.s.? It’s like “Um, do me a favor? Can you climb over this wall and break into my ex-husband’s house for me? I’d do it… but with the leg and all… so… yeah.” No charges were pressed, but the message is pretty clear: Keep you and your parts off my property.

Who are you guys siding with?

• Paul McCartney’s soon to be ex, Heather Mills, once posed for porn pictures, but she it did for the baby seals.
• Kristin Cavallari may replace Jessica Simpson in Dukes of Hazzard prequel, and in Hollywood.
• Lindsay Lohan drops out of next movie. Luckily her life’s giving us enough entertainment.
• Scientology is joining forces with NASCAR. It’s time to evacuate the country.
• Tom Green involved in near-deadly fishing accident. Perfect for a Tom Green special.
• Avril Lavigne wants to quit singing in order to act. But does she really need a reason?
• An OJ Simpson sex tape is rumored to exist. Almost as embarrassing as being on trial for double murder..
• Shiloh Nouvel has already received loads in free swag. They’re just giving stuff away at the Playstation/AOL tent in Namibia.