Look, it’s a REALLY slow news day and all, so why don’t we all just stop for a moment and watch some animated penguins get down on some of that Dirty South crunk by my cold-ass homie Lil’ Wayne? Great.
UPDATE: Well, contrary to what my totally bangin’ gangsta writing would lead you to believe, I was not familiar with this song prior to hearing it in this video. I thought the guy was saying “Walk It Off”, which is in fact a ditty by Lil’ Wayne. However, as it would turn out, he’s saying “Walk It Out”, which is by DJ Unk. I apologize for my inability to understand his pronunciation, and for being the whitest person imaginable.
It’s only the third day of our 10 Best 10 Best Lists of 2006, but we’ve already tackled two of the biggest issues yet: The Top 10 Celebrity Body Parts of the year and the Top 10 Reasons to Hate Singing & Dancing in 2006. Today we’re shifting our attention to the big screen and counting down the 10 Best Movie Cliches of the year. If it was in theaters at some point during the past 12 months, chances are it’s on this list. Not The Lake House, though. We missed that one.
10. ‘The’ Movies are the new ‘The’ Bands
Way back in 2001 everybody was talking about the influx of ‘The’ bands that came popping out of the woodwork. The Strokes, The White Stripes, The Hives and The Vines ushered in a new wave of music that people were excited about (for approximately 9-15 months.) This year, we were treated to a whole new batch of The ______s in theaters. The Illusionist, The Marine, The Queen, The Guardian, The Sentinal, The Benchwarmers, and The Departed were just a few. Let’s hope that this trend disappears faster than those “Get Free” guys.
9. Sequels that nobody everybody’s been waiting for!
Every year we’re blessed with a bunch of sequels that are guaranteed to a) make a lot of money and b) be terrible. In 2006, though, they added another item to the list: c) make sure it’s a sequel to a franchise that should’ve died years ago. How else could you explain Basic Instinct II? Why else would Sylvester Stallone release Rocky VI? Did anybody else really expect a Van Wilder 2 nearly four years after the original? Hey, we even had Superman Return. What’s left? I’m shocked there wasn’t a Short Circuit III. Maybe next year.
8. Talking animals, people. Talking! Animals!
Over The Hedge: talking rodents. Happy Feet: talking penguins. Barnyard: talking farm animals. Ant Bully: talking ants. Sadly, most of the dialogue spoken by animated animals in 2006 was probably better than most of the dialogue spoken by actual people. Writers in Hollywood might want to get on that.
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1. It seems that Will Smith was able to tug on moviegoers’ heartstrings with his “hard-luck determined dad” character, despite not even being able to f*cking spell - $27 million
2. I wonder how many illiterate people went to see this movie mistakenly thinking it was the fourth installment of the Lord of the Rings trilogy - $23.4 million
3. Could Some Pig be the new penguins? - $12 million
4. This movie makes me wish the polar ice caps would hurry up and melt already - $8.5 million
5. It’s funny how Hollywood is sort of like a bad alcoholic dad in that they can toss up a little mistletoe, put on a Santa cap and try to make you think things are all “Christmasy” - $8.2 million
1. Even a sh*t-faced Danny Devito in that terrible costume from Batman Returns couldn’t stop the world-dominating momentum of these happy little dancing arctic birds - $17 million
2. Timothy Dalton’s dreams of a James Bond worse than he was have been dashed, yet again - $15.1 million
3. SPOLER ALERT: In the surprise twist ending, you find out everyone is actually dreaming and dead and related and in an elaborate computer program in the future - $11 million
4. It would seem that Hollywood’s prized Film-going Christian audience is far more interested in the bloody beating and torturing of Christ than they are in the peaceful, angelic Christmas morning that marked his miraculous birth. Or mabye they just think the girl who played Virgin Mary is a whore. - $8 million
5. Danny DeVito’s 15 drunken minutes on The View packed in way more entertainment and laughs than the entire two hours of reheated “neighbors trying to outdo each other with Christmas lights” this movie had to offer - $6.6 million
After dating Ashton Kutcher and Eminem, Brittany Murphy finally finds someone that America can tolerate.
Your turn. Leave your Captions in the Comments now!
(and then for more pictures, check out Hollywood Tuna.)
1. Forget Turkey. Forget Duck. Forget Chicken. Forget Turducken. Next Thanksgiving, serve the one bird everyone can’t get enough of: penguins - $51.5 million ($37.9 million weekend)
2. This movie would have had a higher box office figure if not for all the turkey-and-beer stuffed dads who bought tickets to the “family movie” (some bullsh*t about penguins), then leaned over ten minutes in, loudly announced to their wives that they’d meet them out by the car after the movie, and went to see this instead - $45.1 million ($31 million weekend)
3. Hmm, why do I have the strange feeling that I’ve seen this psychological pseudo-sci-fi action thriller before? Oh yeah, because I have. About 40 times - $29 million ($20.8 million weekend)
4. If there’s one kind of movie that best describes my overall cinematic taste, it would have to be the “overzealous neighbors hilariously feuding over who has the most holiday spirit until they realize in the end what the true meaning of holiday spirit is, then combine forces to have the best Christmas ever” genre - $16.9 million ($12 million weekend)
5. Let us give thanks that there are so many astonishingly idiotic people in this country that a British comedian can dress up as a Kazakh reporter, drive across America with a camera, and leave us all laughing hysterically at the utter hopelessness of our fellow countrymen - $15.4 million ($10.4 million weekend)
1. This inevitable blockbuster combines America’s deep-seeded love for penguins with its burning passion for movies about CGI-animated animals who sound like celebrities, resulting in an unholy alchemy of powerful forces colliding together to create a movie so magnetic that every man, woman, and child in this country has no choice but to see it - $42.3 million
2. “The name’s Bond. James Bond.” “Uh, yeah, that’s cool - but if you’re not a computer-generated penguin named Flippy who sounds like Gilbert Gottfried and slips around hilariously on ice a lot, we don’t really give a sh*t” - $40.6 million
3. On the food chain of outraged people trying to sue Borat, we’re down to…racist rodeo clowns and Mothers Against Not Using Penguins In Movies - $14.3 million
4. F*ck Santa Claus, you know who else lives in the North Pole? Penguins - $8.2 million
5. For the sequel, the producers are already conducting extensive research to determine whether or not penguins could realistically exist in underground sewer cities - $6.8 million
