Today the big news in the world is that Emmitt Smith beat out Mario Lopez during last night’s Dancing With The Stars season finale to take the title and taint his obituary (think about it: “NFL All-Time Rushing Leader, Dancing With The Stars Champion, Dead at 74.”) I didn’t know how important Emmitt’s victory was until I received an angry phone call from my co-worker Jaime (not her real name), who yelled at me for neglecting Dancing With The Stars all morning. Rather than do the proper research, I decided to transcribe what she said word-for-word as she ranted about the results. I type fast. So here it is- a recap from somebody who really, truly cared:

It’s 12:18 and I can’t believe you didn’t write anything about Dancing With The Stars yet! It was crazy! I screamed at the TV when Emmitt won. I haven’t yelled at the TV like that since… O.J. My husband was sleeping and I woke him up and he was like “what’s wrong? What’s wrong?” And I said “Emmitt won!”

He just won because he was clearly the nicer person. Mario was clearly the better dancer. Much better. Mario cheated on his wife and he got what was due to him. You’re typing what I’m saying, aren’t you? Stop it.

I think it came down to the freestyle in the end… or that Mario cheated on his wife– the Doritos girl. I did like Emmit’s freestyle better… I didn’t like Mario’s… but he still should’ve won. Please don’t post this. Seriously.

There you have it. Is Jaime (not her real name) right, or do think Emmit deserved to win? Let us know what you think… assuming you care too.

It’s Best Night Ever for Wednesday, November 15th! Lang Fisher is here to walk you through the best of Wednesday night tv, including Next Top Model, Dancing With the Stars, Daybreak, and BET Hip Hop Awards!

It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, November 14th! Adira is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Dancing With the Stars, Friday Night Lights, House, and Show Me the Money!

A.C. Slater has come a long way. First he was Bayside’s star wrestler, next he wowed audiences by Dancing with the Stars, and now reports indicate that he’ll be replacing Patrick Swayze in a remake of your older sister’s favorite movie:

Producers of the new ‘Dirty Dancing’ movie have finally found the man whom they think will be perfect for Patrick Swayze’s role.

According to inside reports, TV actor Mario Lopez managed to impress the film’s producers with his cha-cha moves as a contestant on TV show ‘Dancing with the Stars’.

Apparently they’re looking for a lesser-known actress to take on the female lead. Hmm. A lesser known actress. I bet Jennifer Grey is available.

To read about the remake, click here. And for an artist’s rendition of what the movie will probably look like, click below.
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It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, October 31st! Michael is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Veronica Mars, Law&Order, House, and Dancing with the Stars!

Michael blogs at perpetuallynauseous.blogspot.com

Alex Blagg is here to bring you the absolute best of Tuesday night television, including Dancing with the Stars, Friday Night Lights, Veronica Mars and Joan Rivers!

It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, October 17th! Giulia is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Dancing With The Stars, Hip Hop Honors and True Life!

It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, October 10th! Dan Hopper is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Dancing with The Stars, Law & Order and Nip/Tuck!

• Paris Hilton and Shanna Moakler both filed police reports early this morning; each celebrity claiming they were assaulted. Shanna allegedly punched Paris. Stavros Niarchos allegedly poured a drink on Shanna’s head. Castmembers from Dancing With The Stars were alleged witnesses. And Elliot Mintz is already spinning the whole thing. This news story was brought to you by the F-List.
• Nicole Richie has stopped returning Mischa Barton’s phone calls. Nicole swears it’s not personal, she’s just too weak to pick up a telephone these days.
• Lindsay Lohan was spotted at a club in Los Angeles with Keanu Reeves. Whoa!
• Ashlee Simpson denies ever hooking up with Nick Carter. Of course, if you were Ashlee Simpson, wouldn’t you deny hooking up with Nick Carter too?
• Donald Trump thinks Brad’s Pitt’s vow not to marry Angelina Jolie until same-sex marriage is legal was a crafty maneuever in an attempt to remain a bachelor… proving once and for all, Donald Trump is a sleazebag.

It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, October 3rd! Adira is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Dancing With the Stars, Friday Night Lights and True Life: Meth Addicts!

Read an interview Gothamist did with Adira here.

It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, September 26th! Alan Noah is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Dancing With The Stars, Law & Order, and Nip/Tuck!

It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, September 19th! Adrianne Frost is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Dancing With The Stars, Standoff, and Nip/Tuck!

On Tuesday night’s Dancing with the Stars, Mario Lopez, i.e. A.C. Slater, i.e. Skidz-Curlz LaRue, claimed that he had no formal dance training. Well, it was as easy as reading his IMDB profile to learn that before his legenday role on Saved by the Bell, Lopez was trained as a dancer. (You can also read about what a cad he is, and why Ali Landry had her marriage annulled.) So was Lopez lying or telling the truth? We don’t want to sway your vote, but for arguments sake, check out this short clip of him doin’ his thang, and note how oddly petite he is.

It’s Best Night Ever for Wednesday, September 13th! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best of Wednesday night tv, including Rockstar, Dancing with the Stars, and Project Runway!

It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, September 12th! Brian Faas is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Big Brother, Dancing With the Stars, and Nip/Tuck!

The publicity stills for the new season of Dancing with the Stars are here, and they should serve as a wake-up call to set your Tivo season passes NOW. While Jerry Springer brings to mind an O’Reilly-esque loofah-and-falafel fetish, Joey Lawrence reminds us that even Tiger Beat worthy teen stars can grow into “the creepy bald guy at the kegger.” And Tucker Carlson! Judging by the below picture, the guy is ready to dance his balls off. He even undid his signature bow tie! Me-ow.

On September 12, Joey Lawrence makes his Dancing with the Stars debut on ABC. Meaning that our lifelong fantasy of seeing Joey from Blossom and A.C. Slater face off against each other in a battle of suggestive thrusting will finally be realized. Check out this insane 80’s-style clip, where a Danza-like Joey interviews the Olsen twins — still only 6 and as sexy as ever — who fight over who Joey should go out with. It’s refreshing to see the girls in their natural dead-eyed state, verses their current sunglassed, gypsy-clad one.