A few weeks ago, after Spiderman 3 first came out, word on the proverbial street was that it sucked Spiderballs. We thought “How could that be?”, ignored even the most sincere of urgings to avoid it, and plunked down $13 to not just see it, but see it on a huge Imax screen. What we got was everything we were warned: A terrible, LONG, and literally huge nightmare. The only saving grace were the scenes were Peter Parker went all Emo on our ass, rocking guyliner like some sort of Gay Hitler.
So yes: Your friends really DO care about you. And seeing as we consider ourselves your best friend, we’d like to do you the favor of saving you the $10 movie ticket. So instead, please enjoy this thirty second video of Spidercat, which we swear to God is 800 times more entertaining than the movie, with better acting and a more cohesive plot. Don’t say we’ve never done you any favors, double negative style!
1. This movie is sort of like riding the ride for the third time at the Magic Kingdom - the lines are too long, the novelty has worn off, and the animatronic special effects have long ceased being impressive - $142 million
2. I know people are crazy for these movies, but I personally can’t watch them without thinking of the dad from So I Married An Axe Murderer. “Heeead! Pillow! Neeooow!” - $69.1 million
1. In the future, every movie will be superheroes and animated green ogres fighting against pirates - $122 million
2. Producers have taken all the money they’ve already made from this movie, used it to buy part of South America and have established their own country where Tobey Maguire is worshipped as the Man God King - $28.5 million
1. So the spider movie continues its mandatory domination of the box office until the next Pirates sequel arrives, amassing even more cash that will be piled into a giant money bin with a diving board to help the film’s producers swim in it - $60 million
2. Didn’t see this movie. Sorta want to. Probably will someday. Just not right now. And I think that’s how most people felt about it - $10 million
3. Lindsay Lohan once again proves to be the most mediocre box office draw working in Hollywood. Putting her in your movie guarantees a third or fourth place opening in the first week before the film finally fades away into its rightful place at the bottom of your Netflix queue, where it will continue to exist forever - $5.9 million
5. If you’re a total redneck, why would you actually want to go and fight in the war you so staunchly support by placing all those magnetic ribbons on your big gas-guzzler? Wouldn’t you rather just go to the movies and watch Larry the Cable Guy hilariously trying to fight the brown people? Of course you would - $3.5 million
As far as epic letdowns go, George Lucas knows a lot about disappointment, particularly when it comes to allowing beloved subject matter to become “silly” by polluting it with cartoonish special-effectery and ridiculous storylines. So here’s what the auteur had to say about Spiderman 3:
“It’s silly. It’s a silly movie,” he said. “There just isn’t much there. Once you take it all apart, there’s not much story, is there?”
Well, it’s not “Star Wars.”
“People thought ‘Star Wars’ was silly, too,” he added, with a wink. “But it wasn’t.”
Hmm, okay. Interesting. So, according to Lucas, here are things that are and are not silly:
Strong performances from the two romantic leads in an action movie: SILLY.
Darth Vader literally frolicking through fields and telling his princess girlfriend how much he loves her: NOT SILLY.
James Franco as The Green Goblin: SILLY.
Minstrel show stereotypes as Jar Jar Binks: NOT SILLY.
A blockbuster trilogy that still manages to consistently entertain despite its own balooning success: SILLY.
An ill-conceived trilogy that utterly destroyed the childhoods of an entire generation of fans: NOT SILLY.
1. He’s defeated the Green Goblin, Doc Ock, Venom, The Sandman and Green Goblin Junior, but now Spidey adds another notch to his belt with his underdog box office victory over the unstopabble box office force known as The LaBeouf - $148 million
2. We’re sure that The LaBeouf will be back in the sequel next week, stronger than ever, filled with seething vengeance, and ready to exact his brutal revenge on that pansy in the red and blue PJ’s - $5.7 million
3. Is it even possible for Hollywood to produce a movie that looks more boring and generic than this one? - $3.5 million
5. Hey Nicholas Cage, maybe we’ll care about the next movie in which you have some retarded power and have to save the world and whine about it the whole time and blah blah blah - $2.8 million
Sling your webs towards Stereogum’s exclusive preview of the indie-centric soundtrack for Spiderman 3.
If you weren’t too weirded out by Bjork’s performance on last weekend’s SNL, go grab the mp3’s over at *Sixeyes.
The Music Slut has a b-side from Sufjan Stevens called “Opie’s Funeral Song”, but we’re not sure whether he’s talking about the shock jock or Little Ronnie Howard.
Hey White Stripe-y types: go get your Icky Thump on over at The Rocksuckers!
Lotsa great stuff playing over at The Yellow Stereo, including Pela, The Veils, and Dntel.
The White House Correspondents Dinner was a hotbed of controversy this weekend. Not only did Karl Rove come out of his evil armadillo shell long enough to physically swat awaySheryl Crow…
…But one of the signs of the apocalypse took place on the red carpet when Sanjaya Malakar arrived with model, tsunami-and-James-Blunt survivor Petra Nemcova. Strangely, a huge step up from Blunt, no?
It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, March 5th! Brian Faas is here to jaunt through the best moments of Monday night TV, including: Deal or No Deal, I Love NY, 24, Heroes and a world premiere exclusive, the trailer you have been waiting for, Spider-Man 3! dun dun dunnnn!!!!
First things first, we want to point out the striking similarities between Tobey Maguire as “Evil Spiderman” and Hitler as “Hitler“:
Moving along! Forget that other Spiderman 3 trailer you saw a few days back… Here is the super-sized, un-cut, kick-ass trailer scheduled to be released in theaters this spring. Parts of it are still animation only, and while it’s not fully glossed over, this trailer is a welcomed donkey punch to your cerebral cortex. Plus, the last frame is so startling and scary that we kind of can’t believe it’s in the movie.
[removed for legal reasons! feel free to search Google Video, though.]
In case you haven’t already seen it, the Spiderman 3 trailer debuted on the web last night. Our first thought? “Wait, is that the guy from Wings? Crazy.” Our final thought? We love the Spiderman franchise, but fear that this movie might be way over-CGI’d… And not the good Lord of the Rings kind, but the bad Jumanji kind. Check it out below, and trust that no matter what, we’ll be in a theater come May 4, 2007.
It’s Best Night Ever for Thursday, November 9th! Dan Hopper is here to walk you through the best of Thursday night tv, including The Office, The O.C., Grey’s Anatomy, My Name is Earl, and a look at the Spider Man 3 trailer!
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As far as epic letdowns go, George Lucas knows a lot about disappointment, particularly when it comes to allowing beloved subject matter to become “silly” by polluting it with cartoonish special-effectery and ridiculous storylines. So here’s what the auteur 
1. He’s defeated the Green Goblin, Doc Ock, Venom, The Sandman and Green Goblin Junior, but now Spidey adds another notch to his belt with his underdog 
