• WISHFUL THINKING CATFIGHT: Looks like Jake Gyllenhaal’s banana-seat performance is beating out Matthew McConaughey’s in the race to play Lance Armstrong. Hopefully, Matt will be offered the backup role as Lance’s younger, more flexible brother, Stretch. (TMZ.com)
• CROSS-CULTURALISM, PART I: Will Smith’s production company will be producing two Bollywood movies for the booming Indian film industry. In other news, DJ Jazzy Jeff just made some instant Indian food, sat down on a milk crate, and had a good cry. (Zap 2 It)
• HILARIOUS DEADLY SCARE: Pranksters let loose two real life snakes in an Arizona screening of Snakes on a Plane. Except, in this “movie”, a 14-year-old white kid with few friends and cystic acne was given the task to get the motherf***in’ snakes out of the motherf***in’ theater, using a broom handle and a motherf***in’ garbage bag. (Orlando’s Local 6)
• CROSS-CULTURALISM, PART II: Page Six is rumoring today that the new Surivivor season will be dividing teams up by race: White, Black, Hispanic and Asian. It is impossible to say anything here and not sound racist, so we just want to wish the teams good luck and oh my god is this awkward. (NY Post)
• GIFT IDEA: What do you get the R. Kelly who has everything? Why, “Golden Pickle Juice Sport” of course! (Pickle Juice Sport)

• AWKWARD AD: Katherine McPhee looks like she’s McParalyzed. And, McNo, the McJokes will not get any McFunnier. (DListed)
• WE’VE REACHED OUR CREDIT LIMIT: Britney Spears gives K-Fed a highly coveted Black Centurion American Express Card. Cause every man’s card should match the race he pretends to be, right? (TMZ)
• BAD NEIGHBOR: Jodie Foster is unfriendly to her Manhattan neighbors. They best watch out: Bitch will cut you with that razor-sharp grimace of hers. (Page Six)
• SHLONG STORY: R. Kelly’s cousin, Damon Kelly, is an adult film star who’s next movie will be entitled Nite Lite… Day Lite. You know there’s a cousin somewhere in the fam who’s like a famous scientist or doctor, soooo jealous he’s not in the news right now. (Six Shot)
• BABY SURI SIGHTING: This one really brings us back to the sixth grade. (Junkiness)

Cityrag points us toward this list of the Top 10 Videos that Broke the Rules. According to those surveyed, Madonna’s Like a Prayer is the most rule-breaking video of all time. And while Madonna dominates the list with 3 out of 10 slots, there is absolutely no way that Vogue broke more rules than her 1993 NSFW video for Erotica. Frankly — the whole list is crap! Everyone knows that the most rule breaking music video of all time is R. Kelly peeing all over that little girl. (And for those of out there thinking “That was pretty good, but I’d rather waste company time reading an incredibly long-winded, Tolstoy-esque account of the 50 greatest movie endings of all time”? Enjoy.)

• Lindsay Lohan claims that “redheads are great in bed.” Listen, Lindsay, we get it, you have flames shooting out of your crotch, ok? Enough, already, we’ve all got our party tricks.
• Chevy Chase calls Vince Vaughn a “refrigerator repairman“. Vince Vaughn tips Chevy Chase $100 for cleaning his windshield.
• Jewel admits a debilitating addiction… to drug stores. Probably because it’s the only place she can still hear her music played.
• “Paris Hilton Craves Children“. OMG, it’s gonna be soooo hot when she eats her own young, you guys.
• Astronauts next week will debut a new NASA device that turns urine into breathable air. And R. Kelly just announced that he is to become the first rapper in space.

It’s one thing for an aspiring hip hop artist to emulate R. Kelly’s career, but DJ Boyd seems to have taken that admiration just a bit too far. You probably don’t even remember who DJ Boyd is, and you shouldn’t, so here’s a quick refresher - after making it to the “Top 70″ on the 5th season of American Idol, Boyd was dismissed and joined the ranks of rejects deemed unworthy of competing against the likes of Clay Aiken. But back home in Utah, Boyd held onto his dreams of musical stardom - he signed to “Big Fedi” records, released an album you’ve probably never heard, and constantly reminded people that he was once on TV for a few moments. Nothing too impressive, unless of course you’re two teenage girls who he has just filled with booze, in which case you might have found him attractive enough to have sex with, even allowing him to videotape the encounter. But when that Smirnoff Ice buzz finally wore off and you woke up hungover with the realization that you’d just slept with some J-list reality show failure, you might have regretted your decision so much that you called the police and reported to what this 27 year-old sleazebag did to you and your friend (who happens to be 15, a year older than yourself), resulting in his arrest and a possible judgement much harsher than even the nastiest thing Simon Cowell could have said to him. As the local court justices he’s now facing probably won’t be nearly as drunk as Paula Abdul, this wannabe Idol could be in some serious trouble.

The hipsters over at Pitchforkmedia took a break from being snarky and hating everything (except Band of Horses) and compiled 100 of the most Awesome music videos ever via YouTube. I don’t know what’s better: the fact that they put a ton of work into this, or that they used the word ‘Awesome’ unironically. I’m impressed by both.

Head on over there right now and waste the day away. Don’t miss the videos by A-Ha, Bone Thugs N Harmony, Cee-Lo, David Hasselhoff, Lionel Richie, Outkast, Pat Benetar, The Postal Service, Pulp, R. Kelly, Radiohead, Twisted Sister, and… ok, you know what, just watch them all. Which one is your favorite?